Thank you all for replying to my thread asking for advice on whether or not to inform an adoption agency that one of their clients, (my ex-OM) had an affair and was still in contact with me. I read all the replies and thought hard about what to do.

I decided to 1) get some IC 2) tell the wife about her husband beng in contact with me.

I had thought that she knew of the affair when I ended it, (I thought for the 'last' time) earlier this year. From her reply to my email today, it seems that she believes her husband really didn't have an affair with me. She wants me to leave them alone, (that's FINE by me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ). Her email implies that either she was lied to, or that she is in utter denial that her husband indeed had an affair, (I can't really blame her--he carried on with me throughout their entire short marriage).

I decided not to inform the adoption authorities involved...I'm leaving it in God's hands--I trust in God.

I feel I've done my 'obligation', the OM's wife now knows--although she seems not to believe it, (that's not my prob).

Thanks again! This whole ordeal made me see how much I want to be COMPLETELY out of the picture--my therapist is going to work with me on my marriage...I have great hope for the future!

You all are wonderful! God bless!

I decided not to inform the adoption authorities involved...I'm leaving it in God's hands--I trust in God.

sufdb...Thx for the update. I was wondering. But I have to observe the following, rationalization is rationalization...you aren't telling because you don't want a hassle, you have an obligation to protect this child by letting the proper authorities have all relevant information, not concealing it, and not off-loading the responsibility to God. He doesn't make phone calls, or send emails...He has acted, only He can't (and won't) make his vessle...YOU, do the right thing. If you want to live in a civilized, safe, world, you have to be prepared to do your duty even when it is unplesant....you could be the only thing between this innocent child and a horrible childhood, do you really want that on your conscience? Let the agency make the decision, you aren't decideing anything, just giving them information you have an obligation to reveal, what they do with it is up to them.

In general, I feel myself (and say the same), do not expect honesty, fairplay, or your "neighbors" goodwill if you aren't prepared to do the same. If you take the easy way out, then you should never expect (or complain) anyone to reveal things to you about your life that affects it....just every man (or woman) for themself. Doing the right thing is easy when it has no conflict associated with it, but that is not what defines character, it is doing the right thing when it is hard. If you won't do this, then at least don't kid yourself it is ok, accept your shortcomings and try to correct them in the future.

re "obligation"...you had two, one to tell om wife, and kudos for making sure she knew...but you have an independent obligation re the child, and your duty as a citizen. Telling the one of parties to the deciet (his wife not telling the agency the facts) does not release you from the obligation. Your duty is to the agency, or telling someone who does tell the agency (and you would have to verify that happened before you are released from your civic duty).

<small>[ October 13, 2003, 10:11 AM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>

Gosh--I know you're right!

I was thinking strongly towards telling the agency--phoning them--and just informing them--just the facts as best as possible without any elaborations/emotions--and letting THEM decide what to do.

The OM wife's email was scary...I guess she wants this child so badly, she's in total denial her husband had an affair!

This is a lot to bear for me, but I know you're right, sufdb. I'm going to find the telephone number now...I don't know if I have the courage today, but I will consider your wise words here, and in all probability call, if not today, tomorrow.

This is really hard! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

My thought would be that unless you have proof of the A, the adoption agency would probably legally have to ignore your claim. But then I know nothing about adoption agencies.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by needingadvice:
<strong>Gosh--I know you're right!

I was thinking strongly towards telling the agency--phoning them--and just informing them--just the facts as best as possible without any elaborations/emotions--and letting THEM decide what to do.

The OM wife's email was scary...I guess she wants this child so badly, she's in total denial her husband had an affair!

This is a lot to bear for me, but I know you're right, sufdb. I'm going to find the telephone number now...I don't know if I have the courage today, but I will consider your wise words here, and in all probability call, if not today, tomorrow.

This is really hard! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes it is....hard. And it is ok to be scared and unsettled. One way to help mitigate that is have a plan, break this down into smaller pieces...here are a few suggestions.

1. If you have a trusted family/friend ask them for moral support.

2. Write down exactly what you know to be true, and organize your thoughts, so when you do talk to the agency, you can stick to that script.

3. Contact the agency (and appropriate person) annoymously if necessary, and ask their position about recieveing such information. Keep in mind they do not have to necessarily believe you, and they do need to investigate. But I am pretty certain when they question the applicants they will get the truth out of them, one way or another.

4. Pray for strength, and keep reminding yourself this is not about you, it is about the common good, that being responsible treatment toward this child. The adoption may even proceed, that is up to the agency who is the party responsible for the child's well-being, you are not responsible for everything, just reporting what you know....

5. keep in kind doing the right thing, even when you don't want to will make you a stronger person, better able to deal with other issues in your life, so there are benefits too for you. Sometimes the right thing is not too clear, this is not one of those times, so at least your mission is not unclear.

Good luck, let us know how it goes. If somehow there is repercussions (unplesantness) from the couple (or wife), you will be ok, life has a way of rewarding good behaviour (IMO)...sometimes there is a price, people are vindictive, but it will pass....and if they are too obnoxious, there are legal remedies....we just can't let such actions (real or imagined) dissuade us from promoting a healthy society, and hope everyone else does their duty too.

My thought would be that unless you have proof of the A,
Being the one who had the affair is enough "proof".

You should let adoption agency know that you are not doing it to be spiteful.

<small>[ October 13, 2003, 11:28 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Not trying to detract from the original topic Chris, but he could always say that she was some scorned wanna be lover who was trying to ruin his life.