1st off I really need to let go of my former H. We are still legally married but I've found it in my heart to let go of him entirely & I'm having a hard time letting go of my emotional attachment to him.

He is believed to have an undiagnosed personality disorder & for years I fed into his neediness because my personality strives for wanting to feel needed.

To cut a long dramatic story short, he serial cheated on me for our entire marriage & I don't doubt that he's still out there "playing the field".

I'm not aware if he has any other children or if he's with anyone in general but he seems to be coming over every night to see our daughters & has made attempts to spend time with just me since we've split & he's moved out of the home about 8 weeks ago.

I have made some mistakes and allowed him to sleep over with me on two seperate occasions, we've hung out with mutual friends, gone on a couple outings together & have been intimate twice since we've been apart.

I realize I've allowed too much & over stepped the boundries I was trying to achieve by letting him go. (such as: live a life without me, account for your actions & realize that I will not tolerate nor forget all the lies and betrayal..it's over & you will now know OF ME attitude..let me move on with my life).
I've contibuted to giving him use of my vechicle & has supported his cigerette smoking habit this entire time we've been apart.

I realize I'm giving in to his cake-eating fettish & I'm kicking myself for it now but I'm looking for new ways to stay strong & cut my emotional attachment to him altogether (besides that of what is natural to share with the father of your children).

What do you suggest that I do? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I have already cut some ties. I don't allow him in my home everyday for use of my phone (while I'm at work) and shower (which he claims his apt. shower has no water pressure, I think it was just a way for him to snoop around & keep track of what I was doing..checking & listening to my incoming messages..etc)
I don't call the house anymore while I know he's there to make arrangements to "kill time" together while I'm on my lunch hour(s). I'm not allowing him to use my vechile or have access to cigerettes (he's on pub.assistance for his apt. 45 day cash assistance waiting period & he's not looking for a job claiming his back injury won't allow---doc says he can work w/ limitations, you think he'll still be looking or persuing disability in the meanwhile.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )
And, he doesn't come over to hang out w/ me anymore watching movies, etc. No physical contact, no real disgussions about "us" or conversations that do not involve our children. I make it a point not to go over and see him at his apt. anymore. I'm really not sharing anything with him re: my personal life, I'm making no efforts to have friends over to hang out as a group with he & I together & involved (like I have been this whole time..)
I'm trying, I just don't know why I still feel emotionally tied to him?

Any other suggestions on how I can begin to start over with my life? I plan on making the effort to get errands ran when he comes over to visit his d's (he has an efficency apt & it's just waaay too small for our 4 & 2 yr. old's to play, he doesn't take them anywhere..don't want them walking getting cold up here in NY & I'm not letting him use my car!)
I have hung around & shared time w/ him w/ our girls when he's over to visit b/c it is originally the time I get w/ them after work, while cooking..bathing..etc..before their bed time & before the new day.
Now I think I'll have to write to him & ask him to respond to set "days" he'll be over to see them so we can share time with them seperatly.

I don't know, I think I'm doing the right thing but my heart plays games with me. Why is it when your heart is in the most pain & your mind is telling you what you know you should hear in order to stay away...But..you allow yourself to still continue to stay attached to hopeless dreams and fantasies of unreality & cause yourself more & more pain? I don't understand, I think something is mentally wrong with me to sit there & know what has been done & know what is continuing to be done & still keep this attachment to someone who makes me feel worthless.

Please, any advise is welcomed. Thank you for listening..I'll attack the other issue I had at another time..I've already typed a story book <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ October 22, 2003, 11:56 AM: Message edited by: Finding_Clarity ]</small>

Finding_Clarity,

You just separated 8 weeks and you have 2 SF and almost daily contact ... and you are not Dv yet and you are expecting to move on <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> .
You are complaining about WH don't want to let you go ... I wonder who gave him that idea.

Sit back and do self check !. Read self matter (dr.phil) and find what do you expect from your life .. w/ or w/o WH. Healing Dv/separation takes time for some people it takes years. Even when the think they are ready and they act like it, the baggage could pop up many years laters.

You are still in 'coaster, you want him and you want him not!. Have you read plan A/B ?.

-rh-

redhat,

I deleted my prior reply to your message above. I really didn't understand whether you were critising me at first. I feel very strongly about wanting to change & I felt like you thought I was complaining & deserved what I am tossing around in my mind right now. I appologize.

I just need some insight. I realize the steps I have taken since we've been over have not been the right steps I should have been taking.

It still hurts not to have that family closenss & I played into it & then allowed him to fill some of my EN's along w/ his. I'm just wanting to move on now. Stop riding this emotional rollercoaster of pain and heartache & gain some stability with my feelings & get a better hold of my life.

I will be getting into seeing a IC within the next couple of weeks & I really hope to gain a fresh new start & a happy piece of mind after all this. I realize it is not going to be easy but then again neither was my M.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

This is the only place I can talk to those that can relate...you know how that feels. Any more advise?

<small>[ October 22, 2003, 03:14 PM: Message edited by: Finding_Clarity ]</small>

Oh one more thing, I realized I hadn't answered your question..

Yes I have read plan A and B. I always felt like they wouldn't work for me because of the kind of person I am. No offense but after all this I feel drained and shot. I can't gain enough strength & love as to want to put myself through the things involved. I commend & respect the ones who can and have. My heart can't go through all that. My LB is empty.

Can't plan A or B without actually wanting to have the M & the one you truly love? I don't think I have the strength to fight for him.

Hope you don't think it wrong of me to be here even though I've given up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ October 24, 2003, 03:23 PM: Message edited by: Finding_Clarity ]</small>

I have to admit, I'm a bit confused as well. You've only been seperated for 8 weeks, not very long at all, and so far you have no real boundries and have not tried Plan A or B because they don't fit your personality?? How so??

If you aren't interesting in saving your marriage and you want to move on, then seek a divorce. I don't see what alternative there is.

Why is it when your heart is in the most pain & your mind is telling you what you know you should hear in order to stay away...But..you allow yourself to still continue to stay attached to hopeless dreams and fantasies of unreality & cause yourself more & more pain? I don't understand, I think something is mentally wrong with me to sit there & know what has been done & know what is continuing to be done & still keep this attachment to someone who makes me feel worthless.

You are asking the RIGHT questions to be on the road to finding the RIGHT answers....

I ask myself this about people on this site almost everytime I read their threads....

Why do people keep allowing themselves to be in pain? Why? Why do they continue to beat their heads against a brick wall and then wonder why it hurts?

I truly believe that they have become ADDICTED to the pain. You see, if they got out of pain, then there would be a void there for them..(no more worry, no more fear, no more what if etc etc..)

It is YOUR low self esteem that is the answer to your problem. Get rid of this bum, who causes you nothing but pain. It is OK to say I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!! It is ok to get out of a relationship that makes you miserable........As a matter of fact, when you start to show him confidence and independence that you don't WANT him anymore, is when you have your best chance that HE will suddenly realize that he can't live without YOU!!!!

Keep on the road that you have been asking questions about.... ANSWER those questions that you asked... You will be surprised when you finally realize that there is nothing wrong with you RIGHT NOW.... You are ok, just the way you are.....

Keep pulling away from him and keep working on your self esteem.. You are on the right track..

Finding_Clarity,

I don't judge by what you choose since you are the one have to live with the result. In here you will aways have "ears" that listen but we are here to rebuild M not trying to end it. We know that not all M worth saving or possible to be salvage, mine end up in Dv. However we also know that if we abide by the MB concept, we would not have regret if our M end and we would have a fullfiling M if our M reconsiled.

If you really want to Dv, what the heck you are doing around your WH ?.

Yes, we are running out of gas at one point or another ... I sugest you to take a breather, take a short vacation away from your WH and also arrange that you don't have to take care of your kids when you are away. Kindda retreat & recharged our spirit.

-rh-

If you aren't interesting in saving your marriage and you want to move on, then seek a divorce. I don't see what alternative there is.

Hope: You are right. There is no other alternative. My heart tells me that this family I have already started & this man whom I vowed to love & keep forever..should be ...just that..Forever mine.

But, I see that he was never really mine at all & that really messes with my head.

Don't you think I want to keep possitive & work hard to reconcile & build something that never exsisted? Sure I do..but I'm not willing to pump his head with thoughts that he's the only one I intend to live for regardless of the pain he's put me through.

I just can't allow myself to wait around for someone who should have been there in the first place. I'm too impatient to do a Plan A or B. My heart won't allow all the pain from my childhood and now the pain from my adulthood..to just sit back and wait for the opportunity for real love to present itself.

I just keep trust in god and faith in my heart that he will lead me to love, TRUE love..no lies..no deceit..no betrayal...REAL love ....(sigh)
someday....regardless if that is with my H or not. Somethings are just not what they seem & I'm not fighting for what shouldn't have to be such a struggle in the first place. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ October 24, 2003, 03:08 PM: Message edited by: Finding_Clarity ]</small>

You are asking the RIGHT questions to be on the road to finding the RIGHT answers....

Thank you Keepm' at least it is encouraging to know that I'm not beating my head up against the wall & have no real assurance that it will make any bit of difference in the long run. (please no offense to the ones that are really really trying and have such great faith, & love to be strong enough to endere it)

It is YOUR low self esteem that is the answer to your problem. Get rid of this bum, who causes you nothing but pain. It is OK to say I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!! It is ok to get out of a relationship that makes you miserable........As a matter of fact, when you start to show him confidence and independence that you don't WANT him anymore, is when you have your best chance that HE will suddenly realize that he can't live without YOU!!!!

I am little by little starting to see that. It is hard though. You see those that would go through hell or high water. I felt like this scared little girl lacking the strength to see what it is I needed to & to make things better. That is until I realized that I don't have to. I could stay strong, live my life & still feel complete without having to figure out what went wrong, and how to fix it. I am starting to see him actually thinking about me, thinking about his mistakes, and thinking about what he's lost. Unfortuatly, he really hasn't been hit with the realization that there may not ever be a chance for him again. He's stripped too much away & would literally have to start all over with woo'ing me & everything. I just don't see it happening..you can't develope love for someone all over again after they have wounded your mind ..your heart..your soul..& totally altered your complete secure way of thinking.
I hate him for what he's doing to me even still. I shouldn't have to question everyone I know...everyone I meet...their ethics..their intentions...whether they are trustworthy. I used to let time determine that. Now, I'm evaluating and picking through everyone & everything. Being burned is just that...being scarred. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Keep on the road that you have been asking questions about.... ANSWER those questions that you asked... You will be surprised when you finally realize that there is nothing wrong with you RIGHT NOW.... You are ok, just the way you are.....

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> thank you so very much. you can't possibly imagion..how even from a stranger...those words would get me through my day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> God bless you..god bless us all, heal our hearts and bring us closer to him..where we can be comforted & forfilled.

Oh & Red..
Yes, we are running out of gas at one point or another ... I sugest you to take a breather, take a short vacation away from your WH and also arrange that you don't have to take care of your kids when you are away. Kindda retreat & recharged our spirit.

You read my mind..I have a lot of other added pressure going on right now. You wouldn't believe I was 22 if you met me. My god..I feel like I'm 10 or more years older. Sergant mom to brothers...got my elder (and ever so annoying..god forgive me I love him...)father staying with me for a few. So, I'm reloving my life around being there..and helping others.

I really need that break. From work, kids, WH, father..oh my goodness the list is soooooo long!

Thinking of going w/ friend to Jackson SC in November for 4 days. Hopefully WH will keep kids for me. His place isn't that where he could have them & he refusses to be at my place because of my instigating father. I give it to god in prayer & hope if it is right for me to get away..he will work it out for me. 18th-22nd..wow..4 to 5 days away..would be sooooo nice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> thank you for your encouragement