I have been reading here for about 2 years but haven't posted. I am desperate now and need help. My husband left me on monday to move in with his OW. I have known about her for two and a half years and this is the 3rd d-day. This time he had gone 10 months without contact and we had made many changes in our relationship. He is a depressed person with abuse in his childhood.

This time he has been in contact for only about 3 weeks when I figured it out. He of course could not decide what he wanted to do. He moved out summer of 02 for about 5 months but came home claiming that he was happier than he had ever been.

I am devestated. I can't eat sleep or function. How do i get through this again. I can't seem to let go. I just keeping hoping but get slapped in the face over and over.

The morning he left he kissed me goodbye and told me he loved me. How crazy is that.

<small>[ November 13, 2003, 08:50 AM: Message edited by: WannaBeStrong ]</small>

WannaBeStrong,

I know your pain must be overwhelming, whats happening to you is my biggest nightmare and unfortuntely I can't help you, but I can send a prayer your way! Gosh I pray that others well come in and help.

Marilyn <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

wanna- Sorry to hear that this is happening to you. I know this site talks about not filling the WS's emotional needs but to I think some of them are empty inside and use A as a way to fill themselves up. They have no clue that they are doing this, hence the strange behavior. My H was raised by an alcoholic father and unresponsive mother. He has a twin brother who started having an A abut 8 months before my H did. Just try to take care of yourself and start posting here. Somehow it really helps to know that you are not going through this alone and it is not about you.

You'll get lots of help here. I'm giving this a friendly bump.

Dear Strong,

A belated welcome to MB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sorry you are dealing with a false recovery. They sure hurt a lot.

U have been down this road before. What have you read from here? SAA book? Taken the EN Qs? HOw about His needs/Her needs book. How familar R U w/plan A vs plan B?

You know the concepts section above is a good place to start. Do you have a good MC?

R U willing to give Steve, Jennifer or Cerri a call to do some phone counseling?

Regardless of the reason for the A, your H is showing great disrespect not once but for over 2 years. I can certainly relate. I must tell you that until he sees it, there isn't much you can do to help him see anything. Right now the only thing he sees is not a pretty sight (OW - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ).

So we need to help you learn to work on yourself. R U up to that challenge?

Start by taking some deep breathes..... in and out. Visit your doctor for a STD checkup and anti-deps if you need. Drink plenty of water (not too much caffiene - ok?)

What do you know about the OW? R there children involved?

Sorry for all the questions but depending on your situation, help may come from many different sources.

Hugz,
L.

Thank you all for your responses.

Orchid,

I will try to answer some of your questions so the you and others can help me better.

I have read tons on this site. Have read His Needs/Her Needs and am familiar with plan A & B.I have done an excellent plan A and I believe that he knows that I love him deeply. He was never sure of that in the past because we got married at 17(me) and 20(him). I was pregnant and he has always believed that I only married him because of that.

I am up to the challenge of working on myself. I know that is where I need to be focusing but it is so hard. I just think this is the stupidest thing he has ever done in his life. But I still love him.

I went to the doctor on monday and got AD's. He swears that he has not gotten physical with her but I have been tested. I went to a IC on tuesday. He is also a MC.

The OW is the same age as us and is divorced. She walked in on her husband with OW about 5 years ago and divorced him. That his when H became her best friend. She has not children.

I will come back later and post more.

Thank you all for your help.

I will try to tell you more about the situation. We have 3 kids together. Son 20 & 17 and daughter 14. We have been married for 21 years. Married because I was pregnant so the relationship started a little rocky. I was 17 he was 20. We are now 38(me) and 41(him) He was madly in love with me but I was scared and young. But we eventually, I thought, began to have a normal relationship.

Fast forward to five years ago, I knew something was wrong. I could tell by the way he talked about her that something was up. The OW works with him. He told me about her troubles and I could just tell. But every time I would try to talk to him about it he would brush it off.

D-Day #1 03/01 – I finally sat him down and asked him if he was having an affair. He said no. So I asked him if he was talking to someone and he said yes. He already knew that I suspected that it was her. He said that he didn’t know what he wanted but the next day said the he wanted to save the marriage. I had already been plan A’ing for awhile but he still didn’t believe that I really loved him. He waffled back and forth but did agree to MC. We went about 5 times then he didn’t want to go anymore. One day we just stopped talking about it and began our old ways of conflict avoidance. Things did get better but not the best.

D-Day #2 06/02 – We had a trip to Disney with my daughter’s soccer team planned. We would be gone a week. He had a work cell phone but it was monitored so right before trip he insisted that he needed a personal cell phone. He got one. I feared that it was to stay in contact with her. I was right. Once we got home I asked him again if he was talking to her and he admitted it. Again, he said he didn’t know what to do. I finally told him he had to give her up or leave. He decided to leave. Stupid me, begged and pleaded with him not to go. And he said he would stay but he left a week later saying he needed to fix himself. He moved in with his brother. He got back on his AD’s and has been on them since. He went to IC for about 2 months then stopped he said because the IC wanted to go into his past. He was at the house pretty much on a daily basis or called everyday. I know this was not the best thing but I let him. He was also seeing her some but couldn’t have been a lot because he was always with me. He eventually stayed at the house for a week in October while I was on a business trip and he never left after that. We did have conversations about her and him and he assured me that they were not talking. Things were wonderful. We got along great. He was like a different man. Loving, hugs kisses, sex every night. But about 2 months ago I started to feel uneasy. I eventually checked his cell phone and there were no calls to any of her numbers. That takes us to a month ago when I became suspicious again. We had been out of town and he always wanted to go wash the truck after the long road trip to get the bugs off. He left to do it then came back to get the car to wash. My son had taken the car so he came in to ask where it was. While he was in the house his cell rang. It was her. I knew immediately. When he go off he said it was about business. I looked him in the eye and asked him if he had called her first and he told me no. Up to this, when I would ask him he told me the truth. This time I didn’t believe him which brings us to the next Friday.

D-Day #3 10/19/03 – I looked up the newest cell phone bill. He had been calling her for 3 weeks. For ten months not one call and in 3 weeks he was back to being “In Love” with her. This time he wouldn’t commit either way for a week. I know that I should have made the decision for him but I was so scared. Finally after 10 days he told me he was going to leave. When we went to tell our middle son which was the first one that we told, he told him that he was going to live with a lady friend from work. He left the next morning. The entire time he was trying to decide he was telling me he loved me and didn't know what to do. We were having very deep conversations about the EA and our past. I just felt like we were so close to having a breakthrough the bam. He was leaving. He took nothing but his clothes and says he wants nothing else. Our house will pay off in 4 months and he says that he will sign it over to me. He says that I deserve better and I deserve the house.

If you have read this far thank you. I am greatful for any suggestions on what I should do now. I know you will probably say plan B but I am not sure if I can do it. I still love him so much.

Dear B Strong,

Thanks for sharing your story. What you wrote is familar. Not unique (I'm sorry about that but then again it brings some sort of sordid comfort - ya know?).

The OW seems to be using your H and he is allowing it. What do you know about her? Does she realize she is an OW?

The OW in our case was the same. PBR (her MB name for psyco babble rabbit - looong story for such a well deserved title), PBR's stepped out in her.... or she drove him away. Either way, PBR thought the world owed her an A. Vicious without warning.

Right now your H is confused. As hard as it is, can you let the OW meet ALL his needs? Make sure you and the children don't have to suffer for his decisions. Don't let him get away with NOT paying for his family's needs. Make sure the OW is NOT getting her grubby fingers into your family's share of anything (within your control).

Check up on your financial options. Look into separation with child support for what you can. Check out your D options in your state.

Then make it a point to fully understand plan B. It is NOT about fixing him. It is about protecting you and your children (including your home and financial securities).

Let us know how you are doing. Can you fit in some phone counseling with Steve, Jennifer or Cerri?

Hugz,
L.

I am so frustrated with myself. He came yesterday morning to pick up son to go hunting until Tuesday. This is the first time I had seen him since he left on Monday. He knocked on the door and was let in by son. He walked straight back to our bedroom and hugged me and kissed me. I was so mad at myself for letting this happen but glad that he wanted to. We talked a bit. By the time I left he had hugged and kissed me 6 times. The last time he had tears in his eyes. Why do I let him do this to me. What does all this mean. Why can't he just love me and leave her.

Today my son called to tell me what was going on. Son(20) had long talk with his dad on the 4 hr. drive. He told me it went well and his dad had agreed to read a book that he had bought for him. My son believes that his Dad is missing God in his life. I kinda agree.

While I was talking to son H asked to talk to me. He told me about the deer he shot just like nothing was wrong. Then he called back a little bit ago to tell me the entire story.

I know that I am meeting some of his EN's and she is meeting the "in love" feeling one. He says that is all that is missing with me.

I think I am going crazy. Why can't I just let go?

I know no one is responding but I am going to write anyway.

I am struggling but I think getting a little stronger. I haven't seen him since Friday and haven't talked to him since Saturday. I just can't understand what he is doing. This just makes me sick. He brought my son home today but was gone before I got home. He didn't stay to see the other 2 kids. I have been putting his bills and mail up for him and he just keeps leaving it here. He has only move his clothes out and has left everything else including the close that don't fit him.

I just don't know what to do. I keep thinking that I will just trust God. He is keeping me strong but for some reason I just want to fix WH. I know that only he can fix himself by I have been trying for so long I can't seem to stop. Oh well, I am reading and trying to work on myself. I guess that is all I can do.

I feel somewhat uncomfortable giving advice, but I want you to know that I feel for you. I really think that a real Plan B here is the only thing that will change the fog your H is in. I sincerely recommend counseling with Steve or Jennifer. They will be your personal coach when the going really gets tough.

I am no shining example of a great recovery...I still don't know what will happen with my M, but I do know that the growth I have been through spiritually and emotionally for myself is making me a better person and parent, so good is coming out of it. I went on anti-anxiety meds and have daily devotionals that I read--Surviving Betrayal, two books by Melodie Beatty (co-dependency) and Daily Word. TAke time to meditate and pray. Work out, be with friends, keep busy. Let him do what he is going to do. I truly believe the only way some of our WS's will ever change is when they are are ready. Our timetable is meaningless to them. And I am working on accepting that my H may never really get it. I will probably eventually have decisions to make about staying in the M.

Hang in there. Let reality sink in when you are meeting NONE of his EN's.

Keep posting.

I am not in plan B but have not talked to WH since Saturday. I am feeling better but wondering what he is thinking. I know that I will never know.

What I am trying to figure out is what do I say to him if he calls. I will not call him. I don't know what I should do. I don't know if he has called the younger 2 kids or not. They both have cell phones and he calls on them instead of the house. I feel like he is running away to never return. Should I just leave him alone or should I try to make contact? This is so crazy. I really have no reason to talk to him.

You need to decide on a plan for your own sanity.

I think your H will respond strongly to signs of strength from you -- which means that he needs to see that you WILL move on without him. Don't wait too long to go to Plan B. There may be nothing left to save if you do.

When he's on the fence, if you appear to not care which way he falls, he will almost always want to come back to your side. But you have to have strong boundries and self-respect. Plan B.

Good luck!

It's like he is plan b'ing me. I know that it hasn't been that long but I feel like he will avoid me.

He spent 10 months not calling her. I checked all of his cell phone bills. He did still have contact at work. We were building so much. He was responsive to me and we were spending all of our time together. We were rarely apart. We have never been apart much. We have always had a close relationship just not real intimate. Now all of a sudden he doesn't even talk to me.

Do you think maybe he is avoiding me so he doesn't have to feel as guilty? Maybe he doesn't want to see my pain. When he left he told me that I deserve more. I do but I want it to be with him. I want him to give me more. I am just trying to understand. You would think after all this time I could read him better.

<small>[ November 13, 2003, 08:49 AM: Message edited by: WannaBeStrong ]</small>

WH called and asked if he could come get his mail on Sunday. I told him he could. He acts like everything is normal when he comes in. Says I've lost weight and look great and that he has gained weight. I ask him if he wants to sit for a minute. He does and sits right next to me on the big couch. He asks how I am doing and I told him the truth. Horrible, can't eat, sleep, function.
I asked him how he was and he said "I'm OK." I asked him what does that mean and he kept saying I'm ok. Then I noticed he had taken his ring off.
Then I got irritated. Asked him what he was doing. Told him that he is making the biggest mistake of his life.

I just started letting know how we are all feeling. Me and the kids. Told him he is still married to me even though he is not wearing the ring which means he is living with OW and letting his kids think it is ok.

Then I finally got upset and tears came. He said he couldn't do this. Wanted to leave. I told him to wait and preceeded to tell him that I still believed in us. He responded that it will never work because he would always worry that he would mess up again and I would always look at him worrying that he would mess up again. Thats because he has never been willing to do the hard work.

The entire conversation he had tears in his eyes. He finally jumped up and said he had to go. He grabbed the mail and ran out the door. He didn't eve get it all he left so fast.

After he left I kept thinking that I shouldn't have done that. I didn't hear from him but sent him an e-mail on Tuesday morning telling him that I still love him and believe in our marriage but that he was moving his life in a different direction. That I will not be having any relationship talk anymore but if he decided he wanted to talk to let me know and that I was going to take care of me. Of course, I got no response.

Oh, I forgot. My 20Y S sent him and e-mail on Sunday night after he saw how upset I was. He told me he told him exactly how he was feeling and that he thought what he was doing was disgusting. WH did respond to son that he is just trying to survive and that he wants us all to be happy especially me.

Yesterday he sent me an e-mail about some business. But then a few minutes later he called asking some stupid question and I just answered it and then we got off. Then he sent me another e-mail telling me the same thing. He hadn't called me in about 10 days prior to this. Everything has been e-mail.

So what do you think. Am I doing things ok. I really don't know if he will ever come back but I am trying to just leave him alone and start to build something for me. Is there anything else anyone thinks I should do.

Please give me some opinions.

wbs, I'm no expert here, but I think it is time for Plan B. You need to send him a letter. It needs to be official. Read this site for information on what to say, etc. He's waffled too long, IMHO. He needs to make a choice, get off the fence.

Anyone else agree it is time for Plan B?