For those of you who haven't followed my story, my H and I are starting recovery after his approximately 4 month very emotional love affair. It has been 1 week since no contact with her.

I hope and pray that this is true. We discussed this, OK, we had a heated argument about this, the day before Thanksgiving. He hadn't actually told me how it ended or even on what day. But he assures me that he hasn't had contact with her. I reminded him that he looked right into my eyes and told me on more than one occasion that he was not having an affair. The first time he told me was the most believable. It was on the night he told me ILYBINILWY.

He is back in the home. I'm soooo happy to have him back here. The children are happy, too. They need their Daddy so much! He came to my parents' house for Thanksgiving and we all had a very nice time.

Regarding the argument we had Wednesday and the one we had on Sunday ... we haven't really had too many fights. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I am yelling at him for things that I feel strongly about, things that I would have just let go before. I think that he's glad I'm finally opening up this way and telling him what I want and don't want. I don't want to feel that he has control over me. But dangit, it feels so yucky when it escalates into a shouting match.

Guess we need to work on our discussion strategies. Feel like I'm rambling here. Just trying to get things off my mind.

I really do feel his heart is back in it with me. It's soo good to feel the love again! It's been a long time since I've felt this good with him. OK, now you're saying she's psycho ... just was complaining about the fights and now she feels good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I know.

Now considering if I post this or just delete and start over. Ah heck, live dangerously. Let me have it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Dear Stung.
I hope everything does work out for you and your husband in your marriage.

Just because he doesn't call her or contact her does not mean he still doesn't think of her sometime.

This is coming from a lady whose OM, in August, found someone FREE to spend his life with...We are no longer talking after many years (10 years) of talking every day so believe me, a very sincere and close loving friendship... I miss him terribly...We are not communicating anymore, felt it best since he has the new lady, for him to be true to her.

It would seem like, for you, it would be better to take the strategy of being sweet and kind to your husband, as I am sure the OW ALWAYS was nice and never raised her voice to him.

Although I am not telling my hubby about the affair, I am trying to be happy and show him love in small ways...
Like we have been taking daily 1 mile walks and it was so cold today (22 degrees) I put my scarf over my eyes and took his arm and trusted him to lead me down the road.
It felt good, like I was trusting him with my life! Which I do.
And then we came back and ate a some homemade vegetable soup...I will give him some good lovin tonight! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Someone wrote this morning that we sometimes over-look the one person (our mate) that really loves us and would do anything for us and instead we fantasize about the perfect person out there that really is not perfect. (The OM or OW)
We only see or talk to the OM or OW for a little part of a 24 hour period and of course only get to see their best qualities not the daily little annoyances.

So really try not to raise your voice at him or nag, and as they say in the Plan A part, it will make him want to be with you and know he made the right decision.
Love, Sarah
P.S.I can almost hear the 'melody' in your message! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sarie, I've been following your story. I'm praying for you to have the strength to follow through on your commitment to your husband.

Believe me, I realize that he still thinks about her. I'm sure he thinks about her as much or maybe more than he thinks about me. At this point in our recovery, it is what I expect. I don't feel bitter about that part. It is just part of the process. I know he will miss her and will have to go through a grieving process for her.

I will try not to raise my voice. It has always been my way, so it won't be too hard. Just need to keep praying for strength.

Thanks for your reply.

Hi dear one.
Your note made me cry.
You are surely a very understanding wife to allow him to grieve for the loss of this lady friend from his life.

You are a very very special lady.
Love, Sarah

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You are surely a very understanding wife to allow him to grieve for the loss of this lady friend from his life.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you for the kind words. I have prayed many, many prayers to be allowed the understanding and forgiveness that I need. God has indeed answered my prayers!

Sarie, thank you for the sweet post! I just replied on your other thread about OW not meaning to hurt anyone. Check it out. I feel like you've gotten tromped on a bit.

Sarie, I can feel that your heart is in the right place. You love your husband. But to have a real, totally honest, giving relationship he needs to know about your affair. I think a huge weight will be lifted off your shoulders. Please consider doing this.

I will be praying for you.

<small>[ November 28, 2003, 09:36 PM: Message edited by: Stung by a Bee ]</small>

Stung, I am so happy to hear that your H is back - I don't know your entire story, or how long he was gone, but I can tell by your post that both you and the children are overjoyed that he's back. I can identify with you about the yelling matches. I don't know if you've been following my latest posts, but, I, too have had a couple doozies of my own. (mine were more temper tantrums than yelling matches, someone pointed out) It surprised me that I had such temper tantrums that day, as I am usually pretty level headed. I think that after an A, no matter which side you are on, there are a lot of things that you would let slide before, that you realize need to be dealt with. I think you combine that with a lot of anger (again, no matter which side you are on) and it makes it easy for a "normal" discussion to become very heated and end up in a yelling match. If you are anything like me, a couple of those will vent some of the built up steam, and it will get better after that (maybe with some communications coaching also). It sure sounds like you are going in the right direction, though.

Good luck with everything.
Felina

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think that after an A, no matter which side you are on, there are a lot of things that you would let slide before, that you realize need to be dealt with. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bingo! That's what I told my husband. Glad someone else feels like that, too.

I've been following your story a bit. Keep your chin up!

Dear Stung,

I have followed your story with great interest because not only were you very nice to me when I first posted here, but your situation is nearly identical to mine, right down to the timing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It's great to hear that the A has ended and your husband is home!! I am so happy for you and your kids! I know it's a difficult road ahead, but it sounds like you are both ready to make the commitment, and that's great.

My husband hasn't moved back home just yet, but I do believe he's close to doing so. He has spent a great deal of time with me lately, and the OW is getting pretty upset about it. I think that things will be very different soon, one way or the other.

Anyway... the best of luck to you, and I will be watching your progress!!

INAF

INAF, things are going relatively well still. We have had a few doozies of fights, but overall we're trying to recover. My husband, bless his heart, is really trying.

Today is my birthday. I don't know what's going through my husbands mind right now, but he is distant.

A few hours ago I left to run an errand and asked for a hug. He hugged me, I said I noticed he's distant today. He said something like that's just the way I feel today, it's going to happen. While I know that withdrawal is hard, I wish he wouldn't be like that on my birthday and I told him that. Left the house in tears and didn't want him to know I was crying ... but he opened the garage door and saw me.

He apologized later and I said we both have feelings and we can't do anything about having them ... we just have to learn to deal with them. God, I just hate this part!

I'm so glad I can come here to vent. I don't tell my best friend all this stuff and need to get it out. Haven't seen my counselor for a few weeks. I go this Friday. She'll have lots that I have to catch her up on.

I just have to keep focused on making a better marriage, being a good person, moving forward with my life. And most of all praying, praying, praying.

Happy Birthday, Stung. /hug

Keep it up, you're both doing great!

Hello Stung By A Bee...

Warning: I am writing you a long post, because that is just my way. I've seen you apologize to others before for what you considered to be a long post...now you'll get to see what a long one really is! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Seriously though, I am trying to share both my point of view and techniques I've successfully used, and I find this takes a bit of explaining.

Well...happy belated birthday! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Although it wasn't the way you wanted it to be, here's a thought for you: I bet just a few weeks ago you would never have dared hoped you could be in your garage crying simply because your H wasn't terribly nice to you on your b-day? How's that for turning a negative into a positive? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

The reason I am trying to get you to see a positive rather than a negative in this instance is because I too have followed your story. I have thought on many occasions that you are a sweetie. And I have watched you try very hard to think positive thoughts and remain positive throughout your ordeal (ongoing/ending affair).

This is a really good approach to use (perhaps the only way to save your sanity) so I'd like to see you keep on trying this every time you hit a negative in recovery too. Try to find some joy, some sun, some ray of hope. Or perhaps laugh at yourself, another excellent coping technique...something like "aren't I funny crying that he's being distant with me when only a few weeks ago, I thought he'd never be home again!".

Once you've banished the negative, THEN go back and analyze how you want to address the problem. That way you can ensure you're taking a positive approach and giving YOURSELF the motivation to do what needs to be done (ie. reining in resentment, anger, sadness and ensuring you can communicate without LBs).

Now, I do think you are a positive person...but when I read your quick comment about thinking about death (not on this thread) it reinforced another thought I've had from time to time about you...are you concerned about posting "positively" here?

If so, I would really urge you to use the reverse tactic. Try posting negatively. In other words, don't worry if people criticize you (or think bad things about you) because you have negative/bad thoughts.

First off, they won't! And the reason why you pour out negatives here is to VENT, to vent so you don't LB with your H. Posting negative or fearful thoughts here is another technique you can use to keep the negative out of all interactions with your H. ("I can't believe after all the crap he's put me through that he's not nice to me on my birthday of all days!!!")

I may be way way off course and if so, just ignore me as crazy and carry on!

In any case, here are a couple of further suggestions for your consideration. They are things I've reminded myself of over and over again in recovery, and they've worked a treat.

Note: I cannot stress enough how bad things were between my H and I before recovery so you'll just have to trust me -- if they worked for me they can work for anyone! And I should add that I used to be the queen of LBing which I suspect you never were.

1. Do NOT LB with your H.

Reminder: you've held everything in for so long during affair/Plan A/B. So during recovery, the lid is bursting off the pot, the steam is pouring out. This is NORMAL.

In a positive context: you now feel safer with your H, so your true feelings are starting to emerge.

Now I've seen advice on some posts where people say it is understandable to give into these feelings, a normal part of recovery. While I don't disagree that it is "normal", it is not ideal, and that is what I am here to support.

Do not LB. Period. As one of the MB posters often reminds people, follow the Yoda's advice from Star Wars...don't try, DO.

That is your goal. Make it. (I know you can.)

2. That said, if/when you screw up and LB, walk away immediately. End the contact but say so. "I am leaving the room to collect myself." Not hostile, just get the space you need to calm down.

Right then, no exceptions! Do not continue to yell. Even if he does. Leave the house if he follows. There are new rules to your relationship and you need to start as you mean to go on.

You are on your second marriage with this guy...make it work.

You are not going to yell at each other anymore. You are going to resolve differences in a new, respectful way. You both need to learn this but since you are in control of yourself only, set the example.

(Yeah...I know it is unfair...you've already been a saint...so saint along for a little bit longer...he will eventually join you....that's why I'm also suggesting negative posting as a coping technique until he gets there...withdrawal/fog could last for sometime yet.)

3. If you LB, apologize. It is a distant second best to actually changing your communication style with your H PERMANENTLY (ie. no LBing) but it is still honest communication and a good way to move forward. "I am sorry I yelled. My emotions got the better of my intentions. I am working hard to change this forever. Please be patient with me."

Again, I've read that others see this differently...you are severely betrayed and he has a lot to make up for. No doubt about it.

But this is only about YOU, not him. What YOU control (yourself) which does not include him. You can call me a fanatic about this but then again, it works!!!

I seriously believe that your recovery will go faster and be less bumpy if you follow this positive, non-LBing approach. Once he is out of withdrawal (have patience...that time truly is coming!), then you'll have the opportunity to TALK (not argue) about the issues you need to get off your chest.

Once he is really your H again, he will share in your pain and sorrow. Because you will have established such rapport with him through this new style of communication, he will feel safe when you tell him how much he has hurt you. He will understand that you need to express this hurt directly to him in order to recover. And then one day, you won't need to express this hurt anymore.

And once this happens, it is incredible. It is nothing short of amazing. In a nutshell...it really does become the M of your dreams. But...it is really really hard to do in the early days of recovery...this is why people say recovery is harder, unbelievably harder than the emotional rollercoaster you've just been on which seemed like murder at the time.

From my perspective, it is harder because YOU are the focus now. You are no longer focusing outward, it is an inner war you are now waging, right at the worst time, when your defences are down (ie. you've gotten what you wanted after a long struggle and you are tired).

You've seen the long-time battles some MB posters have faced, are facing. And winning too (way to go IP!). Their battles are with themselves.

I think you've done so well maintaining your positive vibes through such incredibly difficult, in-your-face betrayal and loss. That's why I'd like so much to see you take good solid baby steps now that will speed you on your way to M recovery as well as personal recovery.

Best of luck...you "deserve" it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ...awed

P.S.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> OK, now you're saying she's psycho ... just was complaining about the fights and now she feels good. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nawwww...this is just recovery. Get used to it. Laugh at it if you can...when you go up and down, up and down, up and down 17 times in one day/hour...whew! It's pretty funny if you look at it the right way...

Thank you soooo much, awed18. I could hardly read what you wrote through my blurry, teary eyes (maybe I should buy stock in Kleenex). Today hasn't started out so well and I REALLY needed this! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

OK, down to the business of replying.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I bet just a few weeks ago you would never have dared hoped you could be in your garage crying simply because your H wasn't terribly nice to you on your b-day? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly, I forgot about that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now, I do think you are a positive person...but when I read your quick comment about thinking about death (not on this thread) it reinforced another thought I've had from time to time about you...are you concerned about posting "positively" here? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not really concerned ... it's just the way I am. Eternal optimist. My husband is the opposite. Go figure!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If so, I would really urge you to use the reverse tactic. Try posting negatively. In other words, don't worry if people criticize you (or think bad things about you) because you have negative/bad thoughts.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, check out what I just said last night on the In Recovery forum under my thread of this same name Fingers crossed... I didn't hold nothin' back!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ("I can't believe after all the crap he's put me through that he's not nice to me on my birthday of all days!!!")</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Couldn't have said it better myself!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And I should add that I used to be the queen of LBing which I suspect you never were.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right, and I DON'T want to start doing that now. I need to focus, direct my negatives here, vent, vent, vent.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(Yeah...I know it is unfair...you've already been a saint...so saint along for a little bit longer...he will eventually join you....that's why I'm also suggesting negative posting as a coping technique until he gets there...withdrawal/fog could last for sometime yet.) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm going to follow your advice because I believe it to be sound and will take me/us where we should be. Wish I had a crystal ball so I would know how long he will be in withdrawal.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Once he is really your H again, he will share in your pain and sorrow. Because you will have established such rapport with him through this new style of communication, he will feel safe when you tell him how much he has hurt you. He will understand that you need to express this hurt directly to him in order to recover. And then one day, you won't need to express this hurt anymore.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am praying for this day to come. And God, could you please make it sooner rather than later, please? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You are no longer focusing outward, it is an inner war you are now waging, right at the worst time, when your defences are down (ie. you've gotten what you wanted after a long struggle and you are tired).
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, I am DOG tired! Guess I'll just have to suck it up and plow my way forward.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You've seen the long-time battles some MB posters have faced, are facing.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I applaud their courage and perseverence. I know without a doubt that I couldn't do this for years on end!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think you've done so well maintaining your positive vibes through such incredibly difficult, in-your-face betrayal and loss. That's why I'd like so much to see you take good solid baby steps now that will speed you on your way to M recovery as well as personal recovery.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'll put on my little Weeboks and get motating. Let's see if I have this straight ... negatives here, positives with husband. Think I can handle that. No LBing. I know I can handle that. Now my tears are gone, I feel focused on what I need to do.

ooooh, I like it...(boot camp style) Drill sergeant says: Listen up! No one said it would be easy...you're here because you are tough...you are here because you have endurance...so yeah, suck it up and keep on going...those little campers are counting on you to do what needs to be done...

Hey...suffice to say, you're a trooper in my books!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Post here (ummmm...or in recovery actually!) when you cry...or (in my case because I blab on and on) write it down, keep editing and sometimes just that process alone will get you to the point you need to be...calm and sure of your course: that M recovery is where you WANT to be, where you CHOOSE to be, despite the setbacks, drawbacks, pain and frustration.

I KNOW how tough it is and it does not help to have twits like me endlessly repeat that TIME will do its work. But honey...time is the only thing that will do its work here (other than all the work you are doing of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) -- unfortunately withdrawal and fog will take time to clear and you cannot rush it.

In the meantime, do whatever nice things you can for yourself...

I of course did not say EVERYTHING that was on my mind this morning! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Just the important rap on the knuckles to get your attention. ("Stay the course SBAB...")

So in a very succinct non-awed few words or less, here's the rest of the recipe for success: be very very good to yourself! Very very good. Chocolate, baths, walks, nice nice pampering...okay? What you are going through is really hard. So be tough with yourself on the one hand (no LBs) and pampering on the other. Give yourself the balance you cannot get from your H...not yet.

a big hug to you...it WILL get better...awed

SBAB,

Just read this whole thread. Happy belated B-Day. Keep up the good work w/o the LB's. I agree with Awed18, now IS the time to seriously STOP LBing. I would hate to hear your hard work push your WH out of house again because of LB's by you.

I really enjoyed reading Awed18's approach/reply to you. I would appreciate it Awed18 if you would go to my thread titled, "Meeting w/WH in 2 days to discuss affects on kids".. and give me your .02 worth on my situation.

As SBAB knows, I could use all the help I can get at this point.

I'll check the forum later tonight for an update.

Good luck SBAB, and hang in there. I have been praying for you as well. I will be receiving some prayer books from a friend who's been in our shoes and am looking forward to them.

PS What if anything do you think I should do for mine and WH 10th wedding anniversary this coming Thurs.? I only ask cuz you know the latest update on my sitch and have been following my story regularly.

Later,
FF

forever faithful, I have been thinking about your anniversary and what to do. Your husband appears to be full-steam-ahead with OW ... but missing his children and regretting what he has done to them.

If I were you, I would get a babysitter for the kids and pass the day at the most luxurious spa in town! Get a manicure, pedicure, hair done, massage, the works! Then treat yourself to a night out with your best girlfriends and enjoy some good wine.

I wouldn't send a card to husband or acknowledge the anniversary. FF, you need to think about Plan B. You can do the children exchange without seeing each other your 7-year-old can take the 3-year-old's hand and be the leader. Think about it seriously.

... How does that sound?

SBAB,

The whole spa idea sounds great, if only I could afford it. Money is extremely tight at the moment but who knows, maybe great things will come my way.

I have thought about the Plan B way you mentioned. I could just back up into his driveway, this way he shouldn't be able to see me in car, and I could stay in my house when he drops off. Also, we could communicate re: kids via email only and only when absolutely necessary.

He did tell me tonight on phone that if I did the transporting this Thursday, he would watch the kids for me. I can't figure out yet why he had a change of heart (possibly since he requested more visitation, he figured he better validate it by accepting offer by me, OR he is trying to again manipulate me into obliging him by doing all the transporting and he doesn't have to lift a finger.

I will stop venting on your thread now about my own sitch. I'll reply more on my thread "Meeting WH in 2 days...."

How did things go tonight for you and FWH? Well I hope.

FF