Just found out Husband involved with OW. Husband denies having sexual relations. Having trouble believing whole story. Should I call OW and ask???

<small>[ December 08, 2003, 05:59 AM: Message edited by: always ]</small>

I wouldn't. First of all, you probably know whether or not they did. Secondly, you can find that out from your H usually sometime into recovery. Third, you are likely going to hear things you don't really want to. Fourth, those things may or may not be true based upon the OW's agenda.

Welcome to MB. Do yourself a favor and buy the book "Surviving An Affair". It will help.

kimmca, Sorry that you have had this horrible betrayal come into your life. I can tell you that it is not the best thing to do to call OW. If she is dishonest enough to have an A with a MM,I doubt that she is going to be honest about anything else.
Often the OW can be extremely cruel and nasty to the BS as was the FOW from my FWS's A.The answers need to come from your WS.
It is very common for the WS to deny sexual contact with the OW.They are in such a deep fog that they have little conscience for the truth.Try to remain as calm as possible when you talk with your WS so that he will feel more safe to tell you the truth.It is not easy,believe me I know.But it helps to get more of the truth out of him if he is inclined to do so at all.
It would help if you would share more about the discovery. How do you know about the A? What has been happening? There are a lot of people here with great advice for you if you will give more info.
It is not wise to call the OW.They are usually sore losers and very vindicive and will often say things that you will not want to hear from her. She might tell you things that are not true. Talk with your H. kk

However, if the OW is married you should tell her H. And, click on the link in my signature line.

Kimm, My OM always told me that if my H ever confronted him, he would deny everything. My H did confront him twice before H knew about the A, (OM was a mutual friend, and H thought we were getting a little too close). OM denied that we were anything but best friends so well that when H finally found out about the A, he had a hard time beleiving it because of OM's previous denials.

So - contacting OW wouldn't do you any good if you actually want real true info.

Felina

Kimm

So sorry for what has brought you here. My thought is, no do not call OW to ask her for details about A. Bad idea. She has her own agenda this could do far more harm then good. Deep down I think you already know the answer anyway.

What KK said is so true about it being common for WS to deny physical contact, fog reasons, as well
possible fear. My H also denied PA barely admitted to EA for that matter, in my heart I knew this couldn't possibly be true, but I will admit a tiny piece of me wanted to believe that maybe.... Of course reality set in very quickly, I knew he was lying and continued to for quite a while.

This needs to come from him, in fact would be best if all info. comes from him. Most try to minimize details, but eventually the full truth comes out, in my case it took a very long time after the A for him to come completely "clean" with every detail. Honestly in my heart I already knew them anyway. I know this hurts you deeply and a part of you wants to hear it never became PA.

Keep posting, you will get great support and advice, you will get through this.

I called OW several times during A.

She said, "What's wrong with our just being friends?" I called OWH and HE got the truth out of OW and told me. My H was so angry with me about calling OW during A that he threw me down once, choked me twice, spanked me in front of kids, and finally broke my arm. My advice is to not talk to WH about this but simply go ahead and tell people what you know -- especially OWH.

"Truth is the greatest disinfectant."

I was dealing with the wrong problem. I went into therapy because of inappropriate jealosy. I didn't know the truth. My H was telling me I was "psychotic."

The day after I found out about the affair, I went over to OW's house (she, at the age of 30 lives @ home with mommy and daddy!!). I dropped off my wedding ring, with a wedding picture and asked her to call me. Which she did. When I spoke to her, she refused to say anything, other than it was WH's CHOICE (so very very true!!) She also told me that I was being very selfish!!!

I was totally polite to her, told her that all I needed to hear was an apology so that I could try to believe that she MIGHT be a decent person. She refused to give any apology.

If you confront the OW, I believe that you actually give her some kind of recognition. Which she will feed off. And it also helps to cement OW and WH as a couple trying to make it against all odds (puke, puke!!)

If there is an OWH, find him and tell him.

But as far as OW is concerned, i would advise you not to even give her the time of day.

Take care,

I agree with everyone here about not giving the OW any power or significance in your life. You are his wife. This is between you and your WH. Try to have faith and belief in your relationship with him which she could never understand. She is not on your same level. She is trash, not worthy of the ground that you walk on!!

Plus by talking with her you set yourself up to become further topic of conversation between them. This fuels this A, giving them something to talk about. YUK!!!

I agree with everyone who has posted here that contacting the OW is not always the best idea... but I have to play devil's advocate for a moment... when my A occurred I felt terrible about what I was doing to the wife of the man i was involved with, to the point of emailing her to apologize and try, somehow, to tell her I wasn't going to push my way into their lives. The email she wrote me back reinforced, in no uncertain terms, that there was no place for me in their lives, and hearing her pain reinforced that my conscience couldn't allow me to interfere or cause any more hurt for them. All that just to say that its possible that contact with the OW might not completely be pointless.

Other point... is the OW married? Does she know that your spouse is married? Its possible that if he's lied to you about the A, he's lied to her about you. If you think its possible she may not know, then confronting her might yield some fruits. My husband had several EAs in which, when I confronted the OW, they were devastated to find out we were married. He had told them either he was single, or that we were seperated.

Just something to think about. I'm very definitely not saying find where she lives and show up on her doorstep, just that each situation is unique, and there are some situations where contact can POSSIBLY have some positive outcome.