My husband still works with OW that he had an EA with. He claims that he told her that he could not have contact with her anymore (except work related) because his marriage is too important to him. He claims that she was not happy with his decision, but said fine and stomped off. Since then, it has been all business for over a year now.

This seems too easy. Do you really think that she would give up on feeding off of the attention my husband gave to her (plus the attention she gave to him) that easily? My husband claims that the EA was all about the attention. Mostly the attention the other guys at work gave to him because they thought he was "hitting it" with a girl that was much younger than him. For those of you not familiar with my situation, he works in a factory comprised of mostly males.

I was just curious what other people thought about this. Maybe I'm just being too paranoid again.

Yeah, it could be that easy. Doesn't mean it is that easy though.
However, why are you asking? What is going on that makes you wonder about it?

<small>[ December 10, 2003, 05:17 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

I was wondering the same thing, why after a year do you think something is up?

There's usually a good reason for a sudden onset of paranoia if that's the case.

IT ain't that easy. I work with a hot secretary in my office that has been hitting on me for years. (I'am married 20). She has cooled it for now, but i never gave into her requests (lunch, come over to her house during the day, her wanting to meet me at places after work.) Sometimes i'am flattered by the attention, but i'am smart enough to know it will permanently ruin my marriage.

Even though i held out, i can tell you at times it was not easy. But if he loves you like i love my W, it will be ok. It stinks having to work with this women daily, but i need the paycheck. good luck

No, I don't think it's that easy - although it may have happened - it certainly wasn't easy.

The reason is that an affair is like an addiction - same brain chemicals involved and everything. So, let's say your H had a pot habit and he went to work everyday and had contact with someone who was at that very moment smoking pot. What chances of that recovery lasting do you think there is?

The same thing is happening here. Dr. Harley says "No Contact" and there isn't any "Except" - and there is a very very very good reason why it's that way.

Your post caught my breath when I read it... the only difference between your situation and mine is the factory setting... and the fact that I was the OW. I can say with resoluteness that yes it is POSSIBLE that they have managed to have a strictly business relationship. When the man that I was involved with told me he had told his wife, and that we were to have no contact beyond what was necessary for the workplace, it honestly (please don't flame me for this, I'm just trying to be truthful -- its not something I'm proud of) took about a month for me to back off completely. We have worked together for over a year now since D-Day, 6 months of which was in the same room (we shared an office) and we have had no further romantic contact, and are both working very hard on recovery on our marriages. I'm very definitely not saying that its the case in every situation, I actually think we're probably the exception rather than the norm. But we've continued an arm's length, only-talk-about-work, schedule-after-work-events-so-that-only-one-of-us-is-there acquaintence. But we never had that "I love you, you're my soulmate" thing going on either, neither of us had any notions that the other would leave their spouse for the OP... I'm NOT advocating that the NC guidance is unnecessary AT ALL (it would have for all parties invloved lives been much less painful, just this economy on only my income with my husband in school full-time hasn't let it be possible), just wanted to give you some reassurance that it IS possible for two people to be mature in this situation. Difficult, at best, but possible.

No one particular thing has happened to make me question no contact. Just triggers and such playing games with my mind I guess.

HeavyHeart, thank you VERY much for your honest post. It's helpful to hear the perspective from an OW. It would be so easy for him to lie to me and have continued contact. I would never know since I am not with him at work. His coworkers have tried to reassure me, but I'm not sure they would be upfront with me. They might try to help hide the situation. As the OW, did you ever think that you might be ruining the man's marriage and family life? You mentioned that you and your OM had no intention of being soulmates, etc... I just was curious as to whether or not you were able to see past the ego boosting. Does that make sense? I'm glad that you were able to understand the no contact is not always able to be black and white and cut and dry. We need his income and he has no marketable skills, whatsoever. He is paid very well for what he does and he has quite a few years in his company and the OW only has a few. I would not be surprised if she left or was fired soon. God, I could only hope <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ! Anyway, I'm glad that someone else realizes that it's not always that easy. Even though the no contact rule does make a lot of sense ideally.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ReneeStephanie:
<strong> As the OW, did you ever think that you might be ruining the man's marriage and family life?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><expels breath> Another thing I'm not proud of -- yes, I did think about his wife, and his son. But when a person is in the midst of an affair, its SOO easy to find ways to justify what you're doing... and, in all candor, no one involved really ever believes that anyone else will find out -- its very easy to delude yourself into thinking that the A will always be your little secret... when you're in that state its so hard to think beyond the immediate... and when you assume that the A will never come to light, well, it just falls into that "what they don't know won't hurt them" category.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
You mentioned that you and your OM had no intention of being soulmates, etc... I just was curious as to whether or not you were able to see past the ego boosting. Does that make sense? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It does make sense. And no, I don't think I was able to see past it. The OM and I had an EXTREMELY strong sexual attraction, and similar thought processes, and we shared an office... so we spent a lot of time doing what I think we both considered to be harmless flirting to begin with. When we realized that things were going further than they should, we both talked about the fact that we felt guilty and needed to put brakes on. We even talked about the fact that we knew we were using each other. I still haven't worked out why we continued with it... if it was ego, or just plain selfishness, or what. Does that answer your question?

wokeup,
I work with a hot secretary in my office that has been hitting on me for years. (I'am married 20). She has cooled it for now, but i never gave into her requests (lunch, come over to her house during the day, her wanting to meet me at places after work.)
Did she stop because you never accepted and she got tired or did you tell her in no uncertain terms to stop asking and that you are married?

HeavyHeart,

Yes, thank you for answering my questions. I wish you and your husband luck as you rebuild your marriage. Hopefully, we will all come out of this with stronger marriages.

Renee

Chris, talk about a crappy situation, my wife was having and EA with an old boyfriend, at the time, and that made it the hardest. Try holding back on advancements from a good looking women ,while trying to hold on to your marriage. It was terrible. But with the help of the lord, and reading marriage builders, along with books on recovery in marriage, i was able to hold on.

Long story short, i'am fully recovered, but she eventually become impatient and sometimes gets me in trouble at work because I ignore here requests for meetings after work. i became too friendly, (joking, asking about her weekends, commenting on her clothes, etc). I should have stayed purely business. live and learn.

Most of these type women, who would fool with a married man, have a unique way with relationships. For lack of a better word they are loose women. And can easily move from one relationship to another. this secretary is no exception. hope this helps

Try holding back on advancements from a good looking women ,while trying to hold on to your marriage
I did. I'm not just giving advice I read about.

she eventually become impatient and sometimes gets me in trouble at work because I ignore here requests for meetings after work.
So rather than ignore her requests and wait for her to leave you alone, tell her straight out to stop.

Wouldn't hurt to mention your wife also, such as;
"No, I'm not interested in going out for drinks with you. I will be enjoying a great dinner with my wife though."

Most of these type women, who would fool with a married man, have a unique way with relationships. For lack of a better word they are loose women.

And they will try if they see a chance. If you tell them flat out you are not interested they will back off. If you just ignore them, they may think you're playing games.

<small>[ December 11, 2003, 05:08 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Chris, all good advice. But when the women we are talking about is the presidents secretary, you have to use tack with your responses. She can make my work life a living #ell. I still need the paycheck and cannot just walk out of a high paying job...

I don't understand how saying, "No, I'm not interested in going out for drinks with you. I will be enjoying a great dinner with my wife though" would cause trouble for you.

my wife is having a affair with a coworker. we are we are not living together. my wife will not even talk to me the om has her brainwash iam on plan a now i hope she comes out of the fog soon. when i go to get my kids she act mad at me how long sould i do plan a. she wont tell me anything about the affair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

RS-

Here's my 3rd attempt to add my 2cents (i've managed to lose my reply from my pc before sending other 2 x's <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

The workplace situation is hard, on both of you. I certainly don't think you are being paranoid. It has been almost 4 years since dday for me and I'll share my thoughts.

I agree that you should really listen to what your instincts are telling you. A good counselor and journaling have been helpful for me in many ways, including figuring out what exactly isn't sitting right. If it is boundaries not being respected, simple ENs not being met.

ENs not being met are a big cause for people in our shoes to continue to feel the major negative linkups. It is much harder when they are working with them still. Impossible?, some say not. Again, there ARE reasons you are feeling the way you are, there are just many reasons that could be the cause.

My H also worked in a male-dominated field. I have yet to be completely happy with the decision/situation of him working at the same place. And H doesn't even have to work around or near OW the majority of the time. We are all different and each situation is so unique. We have to remember that. Every little thing that has taken place in our lives changes things for each of us, what we are comfortable with, etc.

It DOES get easier, so to speak, over time. So long as you are seeing the positive change in your marriage, ENs are being met, trust is being instilled again, you will continue to find more comfort, have more confidence, heal.

In my case, I can't say I am the most happy. People, marriages, affairs, are all so complex and unique. Sorry for being so full of words, it's hard for me to give a simple opinion without sharing more.

I have had faith in this way of MB. Is it just near impossible to feel "great" ever again when they still work "there"? That is how I feel. Even after I felt trust again, I continued to be unhappy with the situation. Can't be certain it isn't because of other issues or if a change in the workplace (though difficult) is what is needed for me. My gut has been that it would say I come first, before a job. Does this make any sense to you or anyone else?

I guess it is now more of WHERE my H works that I find discomfort. When they listen to how much discomfort this brings to you, and still find more pain in the idea of changing jobs. I have worked hard at trying to get over myself on this issue and even have felt very selfish to feel this way. But I still do. Hope you don't feel the way I do.

eemd-

So sorry you are having to go through this too. Hold your head up.

eemd:
Your response really rings true for me. I DO feel the way you do and I know that there are no easy answers. The feelings and the issues are so complex. My husband and I are working toward recovery. He and I are learning to accept that it will be a long journey. We were seeing a marriage counselor together. However, the counselor felt that I had my head on straight (as straight as it can be in this situation). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> But, he wanted my husband to continue attending because he has so many issues. I've seen a difference in his behavior and am hoping it will last.

I wish you the best. This is so tough to handle.

Renee

TO feel the love: " hold you head up" High. Self respect and being strong is very important. Showing desperation, never gets respect. NO matter what the situation. God Bless to all and better days are ahead.

wokeup-

I'm not sure as to what you are referring to. Were you addressing me, or just restating my quote, to add to that thought?

Sorry if I'm missing something. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'am refering to feeling so badly in your relationship as to become desperate for your S to love you. It seems the more vulnerable you become the more the s will take advantage of the situation. As sad as this sounds, why should your better half try to please you or stop what they are doing if they know you are going to keep taking the #hit they are dishing out. By saying hold your head high, I meant to keep your composure, even though you feel like crawling under a rock and dying.

I have found that playing it stearn and letting them know that they are facing loosing the relationship if the A keeps up, makes them face truth in their little fantacy. Boy isn't an A a wakeup call though.