I have been struggling to determine if I can ever forgive my FWH because I know I must forgive him someday if I want our marriage to survive. It has been extremely difficult knowing the number of affairs and the length of A#2. I know our 23+ year marriage is dead - I must accept that. I also know that my H is not the person I thought he was.

The first A (PA) began in 1992 with a coworker when my H was 38 and the MOW was 26 -- he got a tremendous ego boost from the attention of this younger woman. The MOW ended the affair after a few months because she chose to confess her infidelity to her H and work on their marriage. My H didn't admit to this A until 10/21/03.

The second A (PA) began in 1997 with a coworker when my H was 43 and the divorced OW was 54 -- he said he became involved with her because he was "unhappy." The OW ended the sexual relationship after waiting for my H to divorce me for five years. They continued a "friendship" that kept my H involved in an EA for another year. My H admitted this affair on 9/17/03.

The third A (EA) began in mid-2003 with a coworker. My H is 49 and the married but separated OW is 41 -- he said he was physically attracted to her and wanted a PA. I discovered their relationship when reviewing his cell phone records after D-Day and he has agreed to limit contact to that which is required for business.

The only way I have found to think this through and understand if I can ever forgive him is to ask myself, "If I was not already married to my H, would this be the man I would choose to spend the rest of my life with?"

Right now, I can honestly say "no." I have tried to look at the positive qualities and what made me fall in love with him but can only see that he has been selfish, dishonest, disloyal, disrespectful, and dishonorable. I'm afraid that is who he is.

His past behavior shows a lack of committment to marriage. ((BTW, he was also unfaithful (1-PA) to his first wife.)) He has ignored all boundaries needed to keep the marriage strong. Right now it is impossible for me to see that he has changed and can remain faithful.

Our 24th wedding anniversary is in February. I plan to make a decision by then. If I don't feel that I would choose this man to be my husband, knowing his history, I am filing for divorce.

I think you are struggling with forgiveness when the real issue is tolerance.

Are you willing to tolerate infidelity? If not, then he is the one who needs to change.

No, I cannot tolerate infidelity. The problem I face is that he has already been unfaithful and kept these A secret from me until this past September. He now promises to be faithful but I can't trust him anymore. I'm afraid, even if he remained faithful, I would never feel the love I felt before I knew his true self.

I would not marry a man with his tract record so why should I remain in a marriage with such a man?

Toofargone,

What made him confess these affairs? Could it be he is truly remorseful and wants to change? If so, then find a good pro-marriage MC.

Good luck & hugs!

*S*

"I'm afraid, even if he remained faithful, I would never feel the love I felt before I knew his true self."

My Dad was a WS about twenty years ago. They split for two years, and he ended up being dumped by the OW while spearated.

My mum took him back after a time, but to this day says she doesn't feel the same love for my Dad that she did pre-A....BUT she maintains that what they have now in their marriage is so much better. He has, since the day he came back, treated her like a queen, and has never given her reason to doubt his fidelity. But her love for him has changed, and she is very sad about that.

Would she NOT take him back 20 years ago had she known that first kind of love would not return? Yes I think she would, because what they have now is a closeness that they never had before the trouble, and she has a man who truly meets her EN's all the time. But it was such a hard price to pay. Until my own X did it to me, I never knew what it must have cost her to forgive my father. I do not know how she did it.

It is possible you two can work it out. It is also possible that he will cheat again. What you have to realise is that either way YOU are going to be okay, and that either way it is going to take time, commitment and energy to get a somewhat normal life again. I guess you have to decide which work is worth it all in the long run, and then go with that.

Love and llight,

Jacky

You could put together a broken ceramic plate but you still could see the crack, a wiseman onced said.

Could M be better after A, absoultely !. Just look around MBers that pass recovery, just ask paperband. However your WS has to do a excelent job to work on M ... that is doing 4 gitfs of love. The road to recovery is very narrow and very hard and take years.

-rh-

[QUOTE]Originally posted by *Sparkle*:

What made him confess these affairs? Could it be he is truly remorseful and wants to change? If so, then find a good pro-marriage MC.

____________

I asked my H WHY he decided to confess his A when he did. (At first he admitted to only one and he lied about when it started and how long it lasted.) I asked if something happened. He said he didn't know why he made the decision to tell me at that time. Knowing more of the story, I think it was because OW#2 would not resume their sexual contact and things weren't going as planned with OW#3, i.e., she hadn't responded to his advances for SF.

At the time of the first confession, I was in such emotional pain and I needed to be close to him. I had missed him so much as he had been physically in our house but not there emotionally for several years. As the truth has slowly dribbled out and knowledge of the other affairs surfaced, my pain changed to anger. Now I don't know if I "like" him, let alone "love" him. He is NOT what I wanted in a life partner.

I know he told OW#1 and OW#2 that he loved them but now says he never did love them. He led OW#2 into thinking he was leaving me but after five years, she had waited long enough and ended sexual contact. He says OW#3 was a purely physical attraction.

I asked him if he ever felt guilty about what he was doing and he says he didn't. He didn't think I would ever find out. He didn't think it was hurting me or our marriage. He feels shame now, but I think that is only because his family knows.

I'm afraid I will never feel the love for him needed to sustain this relationship. SF is almost impossible for me without love and I know that is one of his ENs. I feel it is an impossible situation.

Well, I told my H what I was feeling and he left me.

Toofargone, are you okay? Is he really gone, or was it just a reaction to what you said, do you think?

Thinking of you,

Love and light,

Jacky

Toofar:

Stay with the support on this board, trust me it will help you. I don't post much anymore- going on 3 years past D-day- but I do come and check in once in a while. Your post hit- lots of similarities between us-

I hope you are taking care of yourself!

Toofar-

I, too, hope you continue to post here. I have just come back here myself after nearly 4 years. Keep us posted. Anything is possible, so keep hope. I found most helpful... Allowing myself to let others be supportive, comforting, reassuring, good listeners to me, educational or informative, in the form of not overly judgemental friends, family, counselors, books. And belief in myself, my values, my worth, my choices, my heart, my mind, and that everything does happen for a reason. Nobody deserves this that you are going through. Where this may take you will reveal the reason. During the worst of times for me, my best friend would always quote "more will be revealed".

H has still not returned or called. He was mad when he left, said these affairs "happened" and didn't know what else to say. He said he didn't think there was anything he could say or do to make me "get over it." He said he was tired of trying.

I don't know where he went but I don't expect him home tonight. I don't plan to call his cell phone but teenaged son is starting to worry -- He may decide to call.

Toofar-

Hope you and son are ok. Get any sleep? This is still in a very early stage. What a lot for you to take in. Have you taken the opportunity to seek a good counselor yet? With all that your mind is having to process while trying to make decisions based on these new revelations, IC with someone experienced in A can be very helpful in giving you even more confidence in decisions you make along the way. This can feel like an "almost impossible" situation. Don't expect yourself to feel like meeting his EN of SF when you don't have your EN met to feel the love you need to feel to go there. I get the feeling your H is very insecure about your future acceptance of him. I remember this stage. Its hard to instill hope in them when you're not feeling much. Read books recommended here, they can also help you through this. Best thoughts.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Still have heard from H. Son decided not to call him. I guess we will just wait it out. Am trying not to think he is with OW but don't know where else he could have gone.

My H and S are in IC. I suggested MC to H before but he didn't respond. I have not been to IC but know I should.

The only thing I can suggest is that you recognize just how deeply you are wounded and take care of yourself. Something good brought him to confess to you. He wasn't forced, and you didn't find out. Focus on whatever that good is.

Well, H is with OW. Our teenaged son went looking for him today. He knew this woman because his dad had taken him to her house to work on her pool three times. All three times, my H sent our son on an errand so he could be alone with OW. Son found his vehicle in her driveway but didn't stop to confront his dad.

I asked him not to but I'm sure our son will call his dad at work tomorrow to see if he plans to come back.

Sorry to hear of this. My prayers are with you.

Love and light,

Jacky

Finally heard from WH by email this afternoon. He said he couldn't live with the constant reminder of his affairs. He couldn't look at me without seeing my pain.

So, I guess he is taking the easy way out. Maybe it's best for all.