I need to write a NC letter to a guy i knew in highschool, he came to my wedding then i rarely saw him, i saw him at the mall 3 times in 2 years, Hes rarely online and the EA was more onesided most of the time, i had a "crush" and he never realized i had the little crush but i was engaged at the time so it was wrong of me to feed off of others attention at school..
And i still do find myself favoring him a bit, i feel special when he acknowledges me.
I feed off of his attention, he was popular back in the day and i have low selfesteem so im pretty sure thats why i feed off of him more so. Anyway, he gets online maybe once a month and i havent had contact with him in over 3 months and im not sure how to contact him other then email.
I need a sample NC letter to go by, i plan to rewrite it i just need to see a basic tone.

The EA was more on my part except him and i confessing to a "crush" after i was married.
In the last year and 4 months he has had a child and is in a good predicament.
The conversation between him and i was a "what could have been" type of conversation but then he had a dream of him coming here and kissing me which never happened, i told him i was with my husband and he was with his g/f and if we were to both split, which i didnt see happening then maybe but still proboboly not, because i know him too well and i couldnt trust him.. After his G/f got pregnant he did the occasional flirt but he was always a flirter with EVERYONE, guys or girls, a big joke mostely, otherwise he was excited to become a daddy and i was happy for him, i got to know his g/f better and things were fine till i started confessing to my husband everything id ever done. Now the thought of this guy upsets my husband. He knew we were close but feels betrayed that i let it get alittle carried away emotionally. I kissed the other guy right after i was married but he took it as a friendly gesture, a kiss on the cheek on the last day of school, i still felt bad and tingly, it was wrong of me and i said no but then he kept asking and i gave in, nothing huge but still, in his mind it was petty but in mine i had kissed him, even if it was just friendly goodbye kiss on the cheek because it fel like more, i felt bad for it.

His g/f checks his emails and i really dont like to be the bringer of bad news. But i have no other way of contect and i dont really want him running up to me in the mall to give me and my husband hugs anymore because seeing him brings back a painful assosiation. It will be hard to rid him completely, hes in wedding pictures and such, but when we think or see him now, it isnt pleasent so i figure it best to cut off all contact, if only to avoid those welcome hugs we get when we run into each other.
Im sure he probobly wont even remember me having feelings for him because once we both established it we sortof backed off and his g/f got pregnant. Otherwise he was just a big flirt to everyone in school and i always fed off of it, anyone got a simple sample NC letter that can give me a general idea of the "tone" that should be used?
Im sure this guy will think im crazy and that im blowing a friendship over somethnig he really didnt even acknowledge but still. I need to do this for my husbands and my sake.
examples?

<small>[ December 17, 2003, 11:16 PM: Message edited by: Rhonda Kay ]</small>

Is this NC letter a vieled excuse to have more contact? Why stir up the pot? Could this be more of an attempt to get your husband to pay attention to your Emotional Needs? Do you really need to do this for your husband, or are you doing it to wake him up?

Under construction, why does everyone always think i have horrible intentions, seriously??!?

In no way did i want to make contact, id love to let this all go since i rarely see the old friend anyway, its just that while reading this site to my husband, he noticed that people had NC with OP and they normally sent NC letters. Since i never see this old friend other then when we run into each other, i figured it would only restir somethnig that was dead over a year ago. WE basically have NC except for when the OM sees us and he normally runs up and gives us both a hug.
My husband insisted that now he doesnt want the other person to come up and hug us like before and since we have no other means of contact, my husband kept hinting that he wanted me to write a quick letter for him to approve.
I wanted to let it go and just "deal" with seeing the other guy, weve ran into him before and its rare, quick, and innocent. My husband just doesnt want me knowing this man anymore which is understandable. Im sure id feel the same if the tables were turned, its hard to lose a best friend but i screwwed that up.
I was worried at first, telling my husband that the NC letter may just confuse this OM because he probobly doesnt even realize the severity of the pain ive caused by what ive done mentally, because he doesnt even realize we had much of anything, just acknowledged a "what could of been" and then a random dream. Otherwise he was just a popular flirty boy that i got a crush on in highschool while engaged, who i gave a goodbye kiss on the cheek on the last day of school to but to me i felt horrible for.. And we chatted online and i was too flirty and showy on my webcam. things just went to far...
I was worried that since the OM and i were such good friends that when he read that i wanted no contact because the feelings i felt were inappropriate, he will probobly think "oh wow she has FEELINGS like that?" and im worried he will go to my husband and confront him, blaming him and i not talking on my husband.
I told my husband this, i didnt want to stir up anything, but my husband has still insisted that he wants a letter sent, even if its just to stop the random run-ins and hugs. The OM normally runs up to us and hugs Eric first then me, because he knows Eric can get alittle jealous otherwise and he doesnt want to stir things up so im hoping he respects this. I know we were best friends in the past but i let my emotions go too far.
Anyway, no this is in no way, an attempt to stir things up, i know it will because its an old issue to OM but its fresh to my husband and id rather not have someone running up to me and ruining my husbands day. Im just not sure about how to go about this. If you think i shouldnt send the NC letter could you possibly give me some advice as to what to do and reasons, i would like to read them to my husband so that maybe he can re-think it over.
I know it will stir things up a bit but its the only way to stop the random meeting hugs that my husband now hates. Telling him face to face would only create more of a scene.

By all means, If your husband is asking about a letter, then do one !

You hardly mentioned your H in your first post, but if he knows something of this site, then do some reading together and write something short and honest that will satisfy him. Don't worry about OM's feelings because you will,have NC for the rest of your life, and he's all grown up.

Hi RK it me again!

I think it is great that you and Eric are working so hard to repair your marriage and work on yourselves. Have you printed up the EN questionnaire and done? I think that is a great starting point as well as reading about LB and POJA all information is available on this site as well as detailed information about NC letters.

Your situation is a bit unique and in my opinion the standard NC letter does not apply in your case. For most who use this it is a final ending of contact of an affair. However, having said that, I realize you developed inappropriate feelings for this person, feelings you have rightly told your husband about, and this has made him uncomfortable, but he may not necessarily reciprocate these feelings or if he did, may view you as just a friend now, as he is not trying to contact you, and you have said he is very happy with his present relationship and growing family.

Obviously Eric wants you to send a letter and I think you can, and should, but the content will have to be a bit different. You can follow the basic rules and principles. It should be brief and to the point, Eric needs to read and approve the (email?) prior to being sent. You should not go on about him, or feelings you have/had for him. The focus is about your relationship and marriage. You should mention the flirting/joking as being inappropriate and hurtful to Eric, and your marriage, and you must put your marriage and Eric's feelings first, and because of this you need all contact with him to cease. Remember to keep it brief, and the focus of the letter is not him (this other person) it is you and Eric.

You could write out something and post here for feedback from others, good luck! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, I typed up a sample NC letter, its just a rough draft so bear with me. Is it too soft, does it need to be more straight to the point?
Its hard because this guy probably doesn't remember much so I had to include some old details. Does anyone have any advice on wording it? suggestions. Please Don't bite my head off IM really trying to get this right <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


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Hey Matt,
I am emailing you this, and you may not understand, you may even think IM crazy but still. In highschool when you used to flirt both my talking and psychically, or after I got married when I used to get on camera with you, I took things too far a few times, I also let things go to far sometimes, also when we once discussed the "what could have been"s between us, before Katie was even pregnant? Well, id been a horrible wife to Eric back then, I was hiding things left and right to fulfill my own selfish needs. I found myself feeding off of your attention. I did it highschool a good bit too, whether you realized it or not, that's why I am writing you.
Recently I decided to confess to Eric EVERYTHING ID EVER DONE online and off, past and present, and you came up as a topic, I told him all the details I could remember to come clean. It as very selfish of me to look for things or people online that could fill up my emotional needs when Eric couldn't, because if he would have only knew, then he could have.
Instead of talking to him about it, I went to you and many other random guys. My emotions towards you weren't the right ones all the time.
I really care about Eric, and the fact that he's accepted many of my lies and faults makes me love him even more. IM lucky that he still wants me after what I put him through. This is the reason I need to completely end my relationship with you. I know we are just friends and now distant ones at that, but when we do see each other your friendly and before now, Eric really didn't have a problem with our bumping into each other. But now that he knows what went on in my head, online, and the random touching you'd give at school, he would prefer I not be around you. At this point I agree, IM a very weak person and I feed off of attention. IM starting therapy in January to try to figure out why I did what I did and to help me improve my marriage further. You were sort of a weakness, a crutch, my feelings grew to much inside. I was horrible for this. Like I said, IM counting myself lucky to have such an understanding husband when it comes to all ive done.

I know that soon after we started talking more in-depth Katie got pregnant and you and I became normal friends again, but this is all so new for Eric. Id already forgotten simple incidents from highschool so I told him all I could remember. He understands you were a flirt back then though, but still. I shouldn't have allowed some things while engaged to him.

I hope you understand, I have made this agreement with him to no longer talk to you. I am going to respect this, I really screwed up my marriage with my own mistakes. I have to do everything in my power to make things right. Getting rid of reminders is just a small part of it. I hope you can respect this, if we happen to see each other at the mall or any other random place I wont be coming to talk to you. It is a definite change, it just has to be done to help fix our marriage.
I didn't know of any other way to contact you, and I hope that by sending this I didn't stir up any trouble, I just needed to tell you that this will be the last time you will hear from me, and the reasons why it had to end this way. But now I gotta fix our marriage.
I wish you, Katie and Rorrie the best,

Rhonda
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What do you think?


BTW Xquzme I want to do that questionnaire so much but we have no printer! My husbands parents have gotten us one for Christmas which is coming fast so as soon as I get one that will be the first thing I print out.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Remember to keep it brief, and the focus of the letter is not him (this other person) it is you and Eric. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I tried to keep it focused on Eric but i kept finding myself trying to remind this guy if what was done, i think IM a bit too worried that he will have little to no clue as to why i even need to send him an NC letter because to him i was probably just one of the girls, he had sex with well over 20 girls back then so i doubt he thinks much of me at all compared to the lengths all the other girls went. Regardless i fond myself trying to remind him of incidents, should i cut those out? Any suggestions? Thanks for responding so warmly:)
My husband has set up an account here but he never wants to post, he said when he's sad he doesn't want to get online and when he's happy he doesn't want to come here and be reminded of what i did, or write about sad things that bring him down. I know he will do the questionnaire but hopefully he decides to join here. I told him id respect his privacy and not read his posts he just said he has nothing worth posting. Poor Eric, his self esteem isn't at its best. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ December 19, 2003, 08:30 AM: Message edited by: Rhonda Kay ]</small>

Personally, I don't think you send him any kind of 'no contact' letter.

This was something between you and your husband.
Mostly 'infatuation' in your mind for the OM.

It is like you are telling this OM that you have the 'hots' for him, like you are wanting him to know how gaa gaa you were/are for him.
Makes no sense to me at all why you would need in any way to send him this note?

What is your real reason?
Are you wanting him to know your feelings for him?
A no contact letter like that is actually asking for some contact.
Just my humble opinion.
JJ

Blessed TIME-
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Personally, I don't think you send him any kind of 'no contact' letter.

This was something between you and your husband.
Mostly 'infatuation' in your mind for the OM.

It is like you are telling this OM that you have the 'hots' for him, like you are wanting him to know how gaa gaa you were/are for him.
Makes no sense to me at all why you would need in any way to send him this note?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The fact is that my husband wants me to send it. The fact is that while engaged, this other man jokingly poked or grabbed onto my breasts and while he was only joking, he was flirting, and one of the times I didn't even stop him from that.
After I got married [OM came to wedding] things got worse, I ended up on webcam with him, pulling up my shirt, bending over no camera in short shorts, all around flirting, as the flirter he was he sometimes flirted back.
After a certain point we started to discuss "us" i stated I was married and he had his gf and I was OK where I was. He stated the same, but it was a "what could have been" conversation.
The next day he told me he had this dream/ fantasy about him coming over [which before that we had made plans to hang out with him]
Where he came over while my husband was asleep [husband works nights, OM wouldn't have ever been allowed over with me alone anyway, don't like being alone with people regardless] And in his dream, he ended up kissing me and maybe sex, I don't even remember. I knew his dream flattered me but I knew it was only a dream and I didn't want it to happen because I did love my husband.
Soon after that his g/f got pregnant and that was the end of it. Somewhere throughout the webcam sessions he started saving my "risque" PICS and his g/f discovered them, then that stopped altogether.
The relationship was barely existent and I appreciate your imput, I too feel like an NC letter is sortof useless since we have already remained friends and its having no negative effects but my husband is the one who is really pushing this issue, not me.
IM doing what my husband asks. The only reason he asks is because when the OM sees us in the mall or anywhere he runs up, gives Eric a hug then me a hug and now Eric claims that him hugging him or me will make him sick because he knows I let Matt grab onto my boobs or smack my butt numerous times and at times I didn't LIKE it in the sexual sense but I liked the attention. He wants to avoid those run-ins.
The OM i a very "enthusiastic" guy, when he sees us walking into the mall and he's inside, he will run to the doors and hold them open then give us both big hugs. He has moved on with his life and he's happy, I am still his good friend, considering his g/f made him let go of all his others, but I feel I need to end that, if only because It would hurt Eric to see him.
I will still take your post into consideration, ive been reading the responses to Eric as they come in. Thanks for responding:)

BTW this is in no way the final draft, im just trying to figure out how to word something like this, when it comes down to it, my husband thinks its better if i dont talk to the OM ever again but how do i say that to the OM without him thinknig were crazy or confronting my husband for "taking our friendsship away for no reason"
I dont mean for the letter to sound gaagaa or anything, i justam having a hard time with the reasoning for this.

Rhonda.
You say your husband 'wants you to never talk to the OM again and he wants to take your friendship away from the OM with no reason'.

What do YOU want, dear Rhonda?

Is that also what you want?
To never speak to him again or is that a little extreme in this situation?
Sincerely, Julie Jo

<small>[ December 19, 2003, 09:21 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
What do YOU want, dear Rhonda?

Is that also what you want?
To never speak to him again or is that a little extreme in this situation?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well i want to respect my husbands wishes, i did push things to far, especially on the webcam. I know if i were ni Erics position id not want him to talk to the girl again. So in that perspective i completely understand him.
It is a bit hard because i was best friends with the OM, we had known each other since middle school but things got closer bewteen us in my senior year of higschool, i was engaged and i fooled around, i developed a crush and i let him do things he did to every girl but to me i fed off of it.
Ill admit what i did was wrong, the only thing that makes it difficult is that after all of this happened and after all of the online stuff happened, we became friends again, he sent pics of his little girl, i chatted long hours with his g/f, we talked about [when my husband and i do have kids] them growing up and getting married or being best friends like we were. I mean things straightened out on their own. The issue is that i lied though and that this is all fresh to Eric. Knowing the OM was at our wedding, knowing hed seen more then he should have on my webcam, knowing there were some mutual feelings established all after i was with Eric, hurts him alot, and the fact that i wanted to remain friends with matt upsetted him alot.
Now i am weak still, i do still feed off of attention, this is somethnig i know, Eric fears it.
I cam to the conclusion at first that matt and i were just firends now, we worked it out and regardless as to wheather i feed off of attention, now my husband is ALWAYS with me so he wont fear anything happening with the OM, theres no chance of it, he just doesnt want to see him or have him hugging me or him anymore.
I understand that completely though. Im not gonig against my husbadn and if OM wasnt so friendly with my husban and i we wouldnt have as much of a problem, i just dont want to always fear gonig to the mall because the OM may run up and greet us and upset my husband. Im willing to do what my husband needs to make himself feel secure.
Personally i know i dont talk to OM online anymore and if i do its brief, normally about the baby or a video game or music.
When we do run into each other its a hug and random chit chat about basically the same things. Erics always there and he always gives Eric a hug as well. I mean i know hes harmless otherwise, i may be flattered that someone popular from highschool stil takes the time to talk to me but t6hats it. Im flattered by strangers, it doesnt mean ill jump up and leave Eric.
But i do completely understand his reasoning because this is all fresh to him and im sure he visualizes what was done in highschool. The goodbye peck on the cheek on the last day of school, the random stupid grabbing of boobs that the OM tended to do to everyone, man woman or whatever. Regardless hes hurting because of my habit to feed off of attention. Do you have any better ideas on how to approach this?
I dont want you to think that my intentions with this letter are bad, i want nothing more then to give my husband what he needs, Im not trying to stir anything up with the other man and i know this will just bring up things that are long gone, i just dont know how to stop talking to him when we see him on those rare random run-ins.
thanks for your quick response back, im sitting here trying to look up a christmas present and its not gonig to well!

RK,

I think it needs to be more brief. I think the web cam incidents are valid reasons for Eric to feel uncomfortable, and you should mention that in the letter. I would just simply state that you and Eric are working on repairing your marriage that you have confessed to the things you had concealed from him and that this has hurt Eric and for this reason you have to end contact.

I am sure Matt does indeed remember web cam incidents, and knows it was inappropriate. What I do think you did well in light of your particular situation is you took full responsibility for your actions and did not blame or accuse him, you haven't mentioned but I get the impression it was your idea to send him these questionable images?. I think the tone of your letter is good, just too long. I would suggest cutting out most of the details about the specific incidents and focus on the general flirting, and web cam issues.

I understand he has been a close friend and you feel you need him to completely understand your position but the point is even if he did find it to be harmless, you and Eric don't. He may be confused about why you have sent the letter but he will feel that regardless, the focus needs to be more clear that he should not respond back to you about the email with questions or comments. It should just be a flat statement, telling him you have chosen to put your marriage first.