I am haveing a huge anxiety attack and want to go sit outside H house and wait his return. He was supposed to come to a family function this afternoon to say goodby to my nephew who ships out to Iraq next week. He didn't show up so I drove by the house with all 3 kids in tow (we were looking at Christmas lights). He had asked me to call him which I've tried to do and he isn't answering his cell or house phone. His truck is also gone. I want to go wait for him and let him have it. I am so sick and tired of all the games he is playing.

H has had several affairs and the latest one involved his computer, porn, web cam sex, phone sex and contact etc. He continues to use his computer and refuses to go to counseling.

Our kids were very disappointed that he didn't show as was my nephew, and I am left with their disappointment and sad faces yet again.

I know he has never gone six weeks without sex in the 22 years I have been with him and I know there is another woman yet again.

I know I need to stay home with them but I really want to just go see what he is doing and who he is with.

No, no, no, no, no. Please calm yourself down and don't let yourself get dragged into this insanity. Your children need at least ONE parent who has their head about them. You are ALL THEY HAVE.

Dear, I know this is a nightmare, but going over there WILL NOT HELP, it will ONLY HARM. The best thing you can do is have a good cry in a hot bathtub with a glass of wine. [or Budweiser] Please don't degrade yourself by going over there and making a scene. It will help nothing and only make you feel worse.

You WILL BE OK. {{{{{{{{{BIG HUG}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks for the hug and the advice. I just feel like he is messing with me again. I invited him to spend the day with us yesterday and he declined stating he had to many things to do. When I asked how his day went he had lots of unaccounted for time.

I have read the list of things not to do but sometimes I do them anyway.

I feel like he gets to have all the freedom and no responsiblity and I am busy holding down the fort. Don't get me wrong I love my kids and don't want to be out and about but I would love for their Dad to be home and faithful, honest and loving. Is that asking to much?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by confusedmom4:
<strong> When I asked how his day went he had lots of unaccounted for time.

I have read the list of things not to do but sometimes I do them anyway.

I feel like he gets to have all the freedom and no responsiblity and I am busy holding down the fort. Don't get me wrong I love my kids and don't want to be out and about but I would love for their Dad to be home and faithful, honest and loving. Is that asking to much? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ITs not asking for too much but it is asking for something unrealistic. That is not who your H is right now and expecting something unrealistic will only DEEPEN your anxiety.

The truth is that right now he is not faithful, honest and loving. He is in the throes of a computer/porn addiction. And the very best you can do right now is accept this fact and take steps to rebuild your life. To do otherwise is to CEDE control of your life to an insane man. Take back control of your life!

I realize that acceptance is damn hard, but if you don't accept it, you will drive yourself crazy with anxiety. The best you can do right now is take care of yourself and your children. But beating your head against the wall will not change anything, it will just destroy your head.

See what I mean? And believe me, I know this is all easier said than done. This is a horribly emotionally volatile situation and it is no easy feat to control your emotions. I have been there. But you cannot give into your emotions right now. It will only further damage your situation.

Just come here when you feel anxious and talk to us, ok? Don't act on it. PLEASE. You WILL BE OK and you are amongst friends who have been there.

Oh I think I blew it.......I didn't go there but called because the kids wanted to talk to their dad and we got into it.

H says I'm controlling and our last counselor wasn't aggressive enough with me. I asked if he was honest with our counselor and he said no not about his past affairs. I asked how counseling could be effective if there is not honesty and got defensive and told him I was honest and did all my work. Blah blah blah.

I then told him we should meet with a mediator and that I would be willing to set up the appointment. H says there I go again trying to control him and that a M was a bunch of crap. He should get the kids when we can work it out (really means when it works for him)

Here is where I blew it. I read him some information about sexual addiction that fit him to a T and he said he DOES NOT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH PORN ADDICTION, SEXUAL ADDICTION OR OW. He has stopped all that behavior but I won't believe him. He said since I am in the helping profession I know all about this and he doesn't and don't I know how hard this is for him.

I say, this isn't about you, its about all of us and we should be on his priority list for recovery. He supposedly went to a movie alone. Of course I don't believe him and he tells me I should because he is now being honest with me.

He says he can't win with me and that he is working on it. This is painful for him you know.

Ok, off to a hot bath and a glass of wine now that the kids are in bed.

I'm so frustrated and mad at myself I could just scream. This was so not plan B.

I'm wondering if I should set up the mediation appointment or wait him out?

confusedmom,

OK don't go over board kicking yourself yes you made a mistake but you are human.
Just move forward from here.

During my H A I had a similar moment. We were supposed to be ready to start our R, he was supposed to be picking up his stuff and coming home, he called and was behaving very strangely, a complete 180 from just a couple hours before, made some strange excuse said he'd call later, deep down I knew exactly what was going on but wanted desperately to be wrong. I called back about 30 minutes later no answer retried many times, then did something so out of character, and I swore I would NEVER lower myself to do, in fact I am ashamed to admit it, I loaded all my kids up and drove over to where he was staying to see for myself what was going on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I was like some crazed lunatic. Fortunately he wasn't there or if he was he didn't come out. My oldest was with me and although she didn't know exactly what was going on, she knew it was strange.

I even contemplated driving around to find him. Fortunately sanity kicked in, I realized what I was doing and how this was effecting my oldest, out at night, looking for dad. I was so ashamed and of course tried to cover my actions with my oldest by saying we must have had a miscommunication. Geez! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

One thing I learned you just cant believe any thing they say during the "fog" look at his actions not his words. It can be to misleading and hurtful otherwise, when you see hope based on what they are saying at the time usually the actions tell the real story of what is going on with them. In answer to your question I think you need to just wait him out this will do no good clearly he isnt ready. Good Luck!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by confusedmom4:
<strong>

Here is where I blew it. I read him some information about sexual addiction that fit him to a T and he said he DOES NOT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH PORN ADDICTION, SEXUAL ADDICTION OR OW. He has stopped all that behavior but I won't believe him. He said since I am in the helping profession I know all about this and he doesn't and don't I know how hard this is for him.

I say, this isn't about you, its about all of us and we should be on his priority list for recovery. He supposedly went to a movie alone. Of course I don't believe him and he tells me I should because he is now being honest with me.

He says he can't win with me and that he is working on it. This is painful for him you know.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, lovebusters like this only serve to push him away and make him more FORCEFULLY DEFEND his position. You are PREVENTING him from even looking at his behavior, much less changing it. Counseling is a complete waste of time if he has no willingness to change. It might help you, but it won't help him.

Quit nagging him. Quit being controlling, quit making angry demands and disrespectful judgements, and QUIT trying to EDUCATE HIM. It won't work. You are harming your marriage and making it worse by doing all this.
Right now it is a RELIEF for him to be away from you.

It is important that you start being more strategic - and less emotional - if you want to save your marriage. You have to control your emotions. When you feel enraged, come HERE and rant TO US, not HIM.

Do you want to save your marriage? There really is hope. But there is no hope if you keep doing these things. Have you read about Plan A? Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Here is some important reading for you: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=30&t=000176

Lovebusters: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

Thanks for the reality check. I don't know why I let myself go there. I guess I want to hear "I am so sorry. I have a problem and I'm willing to work on it" Currently I hear, Our last counselor wasn't aggressive enough with you, I don't have a problem.

I'm not going there again. If he wants to discuss our relationship and or plan for R then it will be in a counselors office. You are right he isn't ready and is still in a fog.

Waiting is hard and I got impatient. I see from many other postings that 6 weeks is just for starters in the process. Some have gone on for months before H or W get out of the fog.

I'm not going to offer nay more suggestions to him re: the kids. He will have to figure that out on his own and I will be there for them the best I can.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by confusedmom4:
<strong>

I'm not going to offer nay more suggestions to him re: the kids. He will have to figure that out on his own and I will be there for them the best I can. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very good! Another thing you can do to LESSEN your anxiety is to stop setting standards for him and them becoming infuriated when he doesn't meet your standards. He lives by HIS standards, not yours. You will always be disappointed and angry if you think otherwise. It is important that you deal with WHAT IS and not what you WANT TO BE. That is very controlling behavior otherwise and is a huge lovebuster in marriage.

The idea behind Plan A is to execute a program of attraction in order to attract him back to you. You do this by showing him your BEST side and avoiding all lovebusters. Doing this will confuse him and cause him to question his behavior.

Hopefully, it will also cause him to want his marriage enough to make the necessary changes to get it back. But you have to help him get to that point in a strategic way.

Hi ML
I was advised earlier in a different thread to go to plan B. What I keep doing is not sticking to any plan. I have read the information you posted above but I just reread it for a reminder.

This is all very hard but you are correct in that I expect him to meet my expectations and I am trying to control the situation.

I have the longer version posted under just found out/ husband and his affairs. We do have some safety issues. PA to one child and forcing sex on me when I don't want to, both of which he has admitted to.

I am going to continue counseling for me and no more confrontations. I got a little crazy because one day things go very well and others are beyond difficult.

Some part of this may be my own guilt playing out as I had an A BC(before children) while he was having one of his A. I couldn't believe I did it. NO excuses, I was wrong. I ended it and won't ever go there again.

I have read everything here that says I should tell him. My counselor advised otherwise as it was so many years ago and he felt it would just allow H to justify his behavior including current ones. H was not honest with our counselor about his affairs. (which he recently admitted to me)

I have told him I would be willing to answer any questions he has about anything he would like to ask me and he hasn't asked so I just left it there. It really feels like this is the wrong time to tell him anything, but I am willing in a counseling setting.

He did agree to find a mutually agreed upon counselor but didn't say when. This is where I keep my mouth shut and wait right?

Thanks again to everyone for keeping my head above water.

GOOD NEWS!!!!!!
H came over yesterday and said very clearly he wants to work things out. I am hopeful in that he did admit he has a problem and he doesn't understand how he got in so deep so fast but is willing to go to counseling soon. (I did not ask when, see me keeping my mouth shut)

So now we wait.............

I was clear that we can't just get back together but that I was willing to go with him , to counseling, when he is ready.

Waiting........and hopeful

I have to admit that I am somewhat surprised that he asked for forgiveness, that I felt I could forgive him and that I do want to get back together with him. Up until last week I was ready for a divorce.