I'm sitting here at work. RING RING RING <ID not avail>, so I pick up.<P>OMG, it's my husband!<P>I was stunned to hear his voice. Right away I start to think "Hey, what should we have for dinner tonight, and I won't be late cause ....... ". I forgot he's been gone for over a year and we're D. I'm an IDIOT!<P>He needs to leave me alone DAMMIT!!!<P>He said he called to see if I had Ryan (OC) this week-end. Ry did call me Monday and asked to come over but I haven't made solid plans with him yet.<P>My H was so nervous. He really was. And so was I. And now I'm crying ...... at work no less!<P>So why is he calling me?<P>There is no reason he should be calling me. NONE. This is only an excuse and I want it to stop now! He can get all the info he needs from Ry's mom or grandmother. He does not need to contact me any more. <P>I NEVER WANT TO TALK TO OR SEE HIM AGAIN ... is that okay you guys?<P>Gosh ... I just hate being this weak, I wish I was someone else right now.<P>Jo<P>------------------<BR>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 22, 2001).]

JO, I'm so sorry you are hurting this bad. I do share with you the wish about being someone different.<P>But, in effect, we are. We will never be the same. Perhaps there is some good in that.<P>I also would like to not see my H.. And I try very hard not to talk with him. Plan B was always the ultimate LB for him, because he used it as a power play in that I am trying to make it more difficult fo the kids.<P>But, I also know my H talks to me because I am still sort of his security blanket. <P>I just try to put up my "plexiglass" shield. I am thankful that he spends as much time with the kids that he does. I know it could be much worse. (as seen in some posts)<P>Try to come up with some mantra, or some "thing" you can do for yourself when this occurs... some type of custom. <P>Either try to tell yourself "I am NOT responsible for him" over and over... OR when you get sucked in..with a touching base call from him write down your feelings right then and there and rip it up, flush it, burn it...or some other ritual. ANything to help you let it go. <P>I'm thinking of you.

Resilient,<P>Can you tell him that you don't wish to speak with him anymore? Also, if he manages to get through on your work phone you can just tell him that you are very busy with work and don't have time to chat. Short and sweet. Always be too busy to have a conversation. He'll get the message sooner or later.

Hey girl-<P>I don't know your whole story and I don't know what advice to give you but I do know pain and I feel your right now. I am sorry you are feeling blue. I can't say I blame you a bit. But as tootrusting put it "I am just thankful he spends as much time with the kids as he does". The alternative would be way worse I am sure.<P>My guess is your ex is missing you-or feeling the need to just hear your voice right now. <P>If you want I have a bottle of Paxil I no longer want....................................just a joke-not even funny <P>hang in there-<P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

Well, Jo, I don't know yet, but it should be OK for you to not want to see or speak to him again - because you were so hurt and he represents pain to you. If you were the WS, it would not be OK, it seems, because you would have unresolved guilt, perhaps, and you'd be trying to correct for your sins - all the while not understanding you're causing more pain.<P>What is it about the criminals returning to the scene of the crime? Does that apply here?<P>You are not weak, you're normal, but you're also Resilient. Don't forget.<P>Dave

Thank you TT and Cleo,<P>I will write down a Mantra for myself, that's a good idea. I think I'll need it because H and I have had a bazillion talks regarding NO CONTACT. That Divorce is FINAL. All relations servered! And he still persists.<P>What makes me the maddest at myself and my H is I am truly making steps to feeling like I can do this. I can be on my own and be okay. I even resorted to taking meds so I can finally get out of the depression. They were small steps, but I made them all on my own and there has been progress. And then he contacts me and I crumble.<P>I've heard time and time again how once the BS starts to enjoy life again, the WS comes knocking on their door wanting them back. I am not about to go thru that HELL again. And more over, I don't want him contacting me reminding me of that HELL I went thru, I was beaten down as far as I could go and I almost didn't make it. And he didn't CARE! He didn't even care to know how sick I was. I have to keep remembering that, because if I don't I'll let him in again.<P>WHOA! am I ever venting. There's more .....<P>I am going to have my work call block all his numbers (how embarressing to have to do) and I'm doing the same at home and on my cell. If he emails me, I have written a rule to send his email back un-opened (invalid addy). And that goes for slug-mail as well. <P>I know this man very well, once things start to wain in Lana-ville (OW's first name) he'll start making moves in my direction, which he is doing now. <P>I deserve a new beginning, one with a deeper meaning. Not this circus the rest of my life, right?<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 22, 2001).]

Daggone it, Jo.....you have every reason in the world to be angry about his persistent contacts. He got what he wanted and now he's crying sour grapes. I imagine that he doesn't realize the effect his contact has on your emotional state of mind......or does he? Blocking his calls should give him the message that you want no further conversations with him......or does he need a 2 X 4? JK!! The next time that he tries to get in touch with you, kindly tell him that you do not wish to have any further contact with him and to please abide by your wishes...for once!! <P>I'm sorry that you are hurting. Let him know this. If he has any amount of dignity, self-respect or love for you, he'll give you the space that you need in order to heal. I pray that he gets the message once and for all.<P><BR>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B><BR><p>[This message has been edited by GeezLouise (edited August 22, 2001).]

Jo,<P>Isn't it sad that they cannot recognize how lost they are without us even when they throw us away? Loads of hugs coming your way. I can identify with the hurt you are feeling.<P>Email me if you want: tag_yerit@yahoo.com I'm a good listener... <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

My dear Jo,<P>I feel your pain and yes the way I feel right now, I also sympathize with what you are saying. But listen hon, your words and reactions are in 2 different directions. He can still make you cry at the sound of his voice. Not to put more pressure on you but yes many of us are very weak when it comes to dealing with the WS. Wish we could hate and hate and hate them, but it is not always that easy. It should be but it is not. <P>Is there a part of our personality that we are just learning about? Oh, I don't want to psycoanalyze this point. I told H today that I feel I need to get to the place where I can hate him go from love to civility to hate. With the OW I went from civility to hate real fast, but with the WS, the pull is way to strong in the love part of our heart. Is it that way for them and the OP? <P>Why the struggle? Why the self inflicted turmoil? Why can't we leave them as easily as they left us? I am not sure hon, but I feel (could be wrong) that like the no contact with the OP, the no contact with the WS will eventually subside so that when we do talk to them we don't get water in the knees. <P>Until that time, keep your supporters around you. We need to be there for each other. <P>Thanks for your support. <P>Please take care and call when you can. I am ok tonight. You take care of Jo.<P>Luv, <BR>L. <BR>

Jo,<BR>It's because when they have you - they don't want you, and when they don't have you - they want you.<P>I had boyfriends who would come back to try and get back together again, that was when they didn't have me anylonger, and they realized that I was better.<P>It is an immature game. I don't like it - we are grown ups, and should conduct ourselves in a mature manner.<P>Of course, we know your H did not conduct himself in any correct manner - sorry you are getting this thrown your way again. On down the path of life, he is and will realize how big a mistake he made - especially since he doesn't have you.<P>You are wonderful. lv, aftershock

Okay L,<P>I'm glad you posted to me. I hope you're okay. Been worried about you.<P>This is the weirdest thing, but whenever my H contacts me like this for no apparent valid reason, there is a reason. You know what I mean. He usually does something hurtful when he contacts me in this manner.<P>So I'm sitting here thinking ... what else could he do? hmmmm ... Marry OW??????? And you know what, he said he's taking next week off. What if he does marry OW and it's on our Anniversary, Sept 1st. I wouldn't put it past him. He is such a Schmuck!!!<P>Well .... Like Scarlett O'Hara said, "I can't think about that now, I'll worry about it tomorrow".<P>Nite L.<P>Lv,<BR>Jo<P>

Wow,<BR>I am always amazed how similar so many of our posts are here. <P>My H is going from worse to "worser"... I would give anything if he would just leave, but no such luck. He still wants his kids. Oh yuck.<P>They can't leave us alone because they depend on us--sad, but true. I am too tired to post any more. Had a restraining order court decision this morning at 7:45....and had our first day of classes today also. I am so worn down with this emotional crap, and trying to get the divorce stuff together, and keep all the kids together with their activities.....this is going to be a difficult year. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Be strong--I will be praying for you. Pat

Jo,<P>sounds like you have made some really good moves to stop the contact. stay strong.

Jo, I knew you could be Resilient. Block everything out that you don't want. You are free. Make it so.<P>Just don't block us out! <P>Dave

Block those numbers.<P>It is time for you. There is no reason to let your X hurt you anymore.<P>Hope your day goes well.

I am having a hard time coming here, because when I first came here it gave me so much hope and that made it even harder for me when he left. Let me give you some advice-Firm Action. It works, it really does. If you don't want him to call you-don't let him. If he does, it's easy, tell him "talk to so and so about it" then, hang up. That's your action. When my h. calls whenever she's not around, I would get so upset because, why call me and be nice whenever she's not around. Well, now it's easy-you say, "don't bother with how I feel" and then hang up. That works. Don't let him get the best of you, escpecially if your d. My c. gave me some good advice and I am going to pass it along, "realize what you have learned, what mistakes you don't want to make, realize what you need to do is focus on you and your kids. He can take care of himself, you need to take care of yourself." <P>Next time he calls-HANG UP!! You never get the message through as long as you let him talk, affirmitive actions, actions that will make it easier on you and that's what you need, easier on you. Who cares if it's harder on him. He left, his choice.