"I guess I just need to vent, so here I am."
--djmb<p>
I hope that is not the case, djmb, I really hope it is not. I would like to believe you sincerely came to this forum seeking help to unravel yourself from a destructive affair -- & not just to vent the multitude of pros & cons & pros & cons of being entangled with a MM.<p>I have been reading at MB for only a very short time (but I have read volumes for sure!), & this is my first post. Of the thousands of threads, why would I choose for my first post to occur on "this" thread? Well, because like many other members who have followed the progression here, I am hoping to soon celebrate your new life "on the other side of Fogville." <p>Your journey into & through Fogville has been long, but you seem to be standing now at the outskirts of town, & with just a few more steps you will feel the brilliance of "Sun City" flooding you with its light & warmth. <p>Please do take those steps, djmb. Send the letter. Send both letters. Send them now, before another night comes & goes. You say MM is off work for a week & you want to wait until after that? Why? Many reasons cross my mind -- one of which is you might desire waiting to see if MM tires of OW4 & then things can either settle back down into the way they were before or perhaps move on along as "just friends." <p>I am probably not the only reader who has mentally tumbled the perception that you may have originally posted here only because you were outraged & in a panic about OW4's entry into the picture. I am probably also not the only reader who is praying you will upend that perception by rising to the occasion & doing the right thing.<p>Free yourself. Free the betrayed wife & the betrayed children. Free the serial cheater from the opportunity to ever again involve you in his web of deceit. Walk fully into that light.<p>MM's week off from work is the prime time to do this, djmb. One whole week for he & his wife to explore truth in their marriage for the first time in over 2 years? One whole week in which he won't be distracted by work, & can therefore address his breach of commitment & how that is to be handled from this point onward? (Imagine for a moment, if you will, the impact which your letters will present, & imagine just how much time & attention will be required in the first days in order to sort through & absorb such an impact.) I'd say if you love him, a week of "coping space" would be a truly generous gift for you to give to him & to his wife who deserves to know the truth of her own life.<p>Only question is: are you that generous? <p>Godspeed you peace (the sooner the better), & a hug from --<p>~bliss~<p>[ May 25, 2002: Message edited by: blissfulorbust ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>djMusicBox: Well, Want2FixIt, I WILL definitely send the letter when he gets back to work (and I won't weaken on that).
<hr></blockquote><p>That's the kind of determination you need! You have come so far, stay strong, get the letter written now and post it here. Even if you wait to send it till after he returns to work, you can certainly post it to get feedback. You can go with the one I offered of course.<p>I await the news of the letter being sent, and remember registered mail! When you get the return receipt, then you can rest your mind knowing he got it. Try not to look too far ahead. Most programs to help addicts that I know of teach one day at a time. That you say today I will be strong and live up to no contact. That way it doesn't overwelm you. Everyone can do one day. You just add days into years, and soon it becomes the past. Without him contacting you, those days are even easier.<p>Pick a date certain you WILL send it and post that date here. I will hold you to it ok? Exercise your determination.

Hi Dj,<p>It's been a few days since we have heard from you and just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. Hope all is well with the No Contact. Have you written the letter yet? I wasn't sure of the date you were planning on sending it.<p>Best Wishes

Hi everyone!<p>Want2FixIt, thank you for keeping in touch and thinking about me. I am doing ok. The No Contact is still in effect. I've gotten a few phone messages, and emails, but haven't spoken to him. Yes, that determination to do the right thing is still there (and your encouragement helps alot). Some days I miss him a bunch, but I am taking it one day at a time and am not temped to weaken. <p>I would like to use the letter you suggested, since it is short and to the point. (And thanks for letting me!) It seems that whenever I start to write one, I ramble and say more than necessary. As for the date I'll send it (registered mail), how about June 5? (I know you'll hold me to it, right?) I may do an apology letter to his wife down the road, but I'm not quite ready at this point. Sending him the letter won't be easy to do, but I know I have to do it. <p>To Blissfulorbust: thank you for your reply. No, I didn't join the forum just to vent. I joined to seek help in getting out of my situation, and with all of the great people here, I found that help. I am making progress, slow but sure. <p>I'm sure a letter to his wife would have a huge impact. I just can't be that cruel to actually rub her nose into the fact that "yes, your husband and I really were more than friends," and "yes, your suspicions were right." I hope someday another OW of his can do it, I just can't. I do understand the point that so many have made that she needs to know and would want to know. It might even help their marriage. But, I've done enough to her; I could never forgive myself for telling her something like that, too. An apology letter would be easier and more appropriate, as I feel I do need to apologize for so many things. I may do one down the road, but first I'll concentrate on the letter to him.<p>Thanks again!

Hi dj,<p>I'm glad to see your determination! I kind of suspected that if you tried to write a letter it would be difficult because it would be hard for you to be as direct as I was. One of the rules of the letter is that it can't provide any hope that the relationship will restart. It must be clear you are determined. I suspect that is the part that makes it hard for you to write it yourself is you normally write from the heart, and your heart right now is in a mixed up state. I know you can do it!<p>Ok So JUNE 5 is written on my computer now and I WILL hold you to it! One day at a time is all you need to get through this. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Want2FixIt,<p>Well, you were right on target about me trying to write that letter! I guess writing from the heart is the problem....especially in this case, when that heart is so VERY mixed up!! [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] I don't even think I make sense sometimes!!<p>Oh, I'm stubborn and determined to send that letter. One thing bothers me that maybe you can shed some light on: I'm afraid the rejection I'll be giving him might hurt him. I know he'll be surprised, and I'm not sure how he'll react. So why should his feelings concern me?? Maybe I should WANT to hurt him after finally realizing what kind of person he is, but I don't. Maybe he even DESERVES to be hurt, but I don't want to do it. I guess those feelings are part of my confusion, too. I'll always care about him and never want to hurt him, but yet I know I need to for this whole mess to end (for everyone's benefit). Does that make any sense at all?? And why do I even feel this way?? Is it wrong to feel this way??<p>I don't want you to think I'm weakening....I'm NOT. Maybe its just that sometimes the best thing to do causes pain. I don't like to cause pain. But, like you said earlier...one day at a time is what it takes. I'm ready and determined! Thanks for your continued support and help. I do appreciate it!

Geeze Louise I can't believe that this thread is still going. I assumed that this much time later DJ would be gone and it would be an OW slam fest. Glad to see that that is not the case.<p>DJ-a word of encouragement. I've done what you're doing. I came here to MB all mixed up and confused. Still in love with him and angry. I didn't get the "wife" side of things and wasn't sure that I wanted to.<p>In time I became convenced that sending her a confession letter was the best thing to do. And being the impulsive person that I am-I did it. I talked to a few BS's here on MB and privately though e-mail. I came home one day, sat down, composed my thoughts and mailed it THAT day.<p>Before I had a change to anaylse it, over think it or change my mind - poof it was gone into the post box.<p>So 5 months later here's the view:
I have been able to maintain NC from that day to this. I'm glad that I was finally really honest about us and the past and a bunch of other stuff. I have NO idea what happened in his marriage - it's not my business. However, since our social circles to rub against one another from time to time I hear drips and drabs. I think she left. And I believe that she left him with the 2 youngest children. Everyone around us has adopted the "dont ask don't tell" theory.<p>Regrets: I now regret the timing. I regret that I sent the letter 2 weeks before Christmas. That was not on purpose. I regret that she and I never spoke about what I wrote, but that was her choice. I regret that I didn't include the words "i'm sorry" in the letter, but they would have been insincere.<p>You know what's funny. Right after I sent the letter I felt really proud of myself . It was my first major step away from him. ( it was a 9.5 year affair) Then a few days later it felt like a hot poker in the heart. I wanted to curl up and die. It felt like I had enacted the ultimate betrayal. I felt like he hated me and that felt like death. And in a way it was. It was the death of my time in triangulated relationships and that particular form of dysfunction.<p>Today I am in a new relationship. One where I an #1 and not #5. What an amazing difference. Before I was not ready to be #1 and now I am. My current relationship is not perfect. There is NO much for us to work though. The big change is that we're committed to working thorough it together. I have no idea if we'll make it. I don't even know if it's best that we make it. Either way, loving this person in this way, at this time has given me wings.<p>Good luck to you and God Bless.<p>Katie Scarlett

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>One thing bothers me that maybe you can shed some light on: I'm afraid the rejection I'll be giving him might hurt him. I know he'll be surprised, and I'm not sure how he'll react. So why should his feelings concern me?? Maybe I should WANT to hurt him after finally realizing what kind of person he is, but I don't. Maybe he even DESERVES to be hurt, but I don't want to do it. I guess those feelings are part of my confusion, too. <hr></blockquote><p>You need to focus on yourself, and not worry about him. I know this may be difficult, but how he reacts or feels isn't your responsibility. Any misery he may have by you enforcing the NO contact and making it official with a letter is misery he has brought upon himself. HE chose to pursue all the OW including you and so he must bear the responsibility of any pain he has inflicted on himself or his family. You are releasing yourself from this responsibility by going with no contact.<p>I wouldn't look at it as "WANTING" to hurt him or what he "DESERVES" since this isn't about punishment at all. It's about doing what is RIGHT. He might just learn a valuable life lesson taught by you in this case. You can feel good about that. When I look back at teachers I've had, the ones that I remember and appreciate the most are the ones that were tough, because usually I learned the most from them. You can have this comfort that when he finally wakes up and realizes the errors of his ways, he will remember it was you that taught him this lesson.<p>Hope this helps you sort out your conflicted feelings.<p>Best Wishes

Katie, thanks for your reply! It is always encouraging to hear from someone who has been successful in ending a similar relationship. <p>With the help of so many wonderful people on this board, I have gotten the strength to send the No Contact letter to him, but am still not quite ready for the apology letter to his wife. Unlike you, I do feel the need to say "I'm sorry" to her for the problems I know I've caused in her life (and marriage) the past 2+ years.<p>I think I'll feel proud of myself too, after I send the letter. I've already been dealing with the feelings of betrayal, loss and "hot poker in the heart". I expect them to become worse after I send the letter. But, I know I will feel good about sending it.<p>Good luck on your new relationship and on getting those "wings". It must be a good feeling to know that you've come so far.<p>Want2FixIt, you always seem to put everything into perspective for me, and that helps so much in getting through all this. From your insight, I can now see that the letter isn't about punishing him at all. It is about making the right decision for so many right reasons (and I'd say his family is reason #1). <p>I can see that I need to focus on me, for a change, instead of on him. But, I'm always used to focusing on someone else, so that is hard for me to do. I can also see that HE had gotten himself into all this, so his feelings are his responsibility, not mine.<p>While we don't realize it while we're in class, those tough teachers really were the best ones!<p>Thanks so much for all this help!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

DJ it's almost June 5th...is the letter written yet? Keep us updated. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi DJ<p>Just wanted to let you know that I'm still checking on you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I am proud of you for continuing the no contact, I know it's been hard for you but you have progressed so far.<p>I'm glad too that you are planning to send a no contact letter, but don't be surprised if he takes that as a signal to put more focus and effort into getting you back on his string. Right now he thinks HE is the one making the space between you, while he is off pursuing other things, under the impression that you remain safely under his spell. Once he realizes he may be losing you as one of his safety nets to take back up if/when he feels like it, he may very well pull out the charm and attention, and all the right words, to get you back on that string. DON'T fall for it, and don't forget he dumped you for other things, and other women when it was convenient. You may be called on to be much stronger - don't pick up the phone, screen your calls with caller ID or an answering machine (I picked up a really cheap one - for $10 at a discount store), if you haven't already done so block his email address.<p>I understand what you mean about not wanting to hurt his feelings, I do, because you are a kind and kindhearted person. But first of all us softies often are TOO nice, and kindhearted to those who will use and take advantage. This type of man will not be hurt by your breaking things off with him, and the others are right, even if he is (which I HIGHLY doubt), he is responsible for his hurt because he got himself in that situation - just as you see that you are responsible for the hurt this has brought on you. He may feel "how dare she, who does she think she is, dumping ME when I still want her on the string", arrogance, selfishness, pride, but I doubt very much he will be hurt - although he won't be afraid to tell you he is hurt, to manipulate you.<p>Hang in there DJ, keep up the no contact, you are doing so well. <p>Juanita

Hi DJ,<p>Hope you are doing well. I have marked down that today's the day so be strong and follow through with sending the letter ok? I know you can do it, and there are many here pulling for you, and wishing you well. I look forward to hearing from you. Keep it up! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi DJ,
I also noted today's date on the calendar so I could check on you. I hope you decided to put DJ first in all this. And I know it is hard to hurt MM with the letter, but he continually hurts you, day after day. Your letter can be kind, just not with any hope of it starting up again. When I wrote mine, it was like a legal document of sorts ( in my mind), so it helped me put me first. I am a nurse, a mother, a daughter to aging parents.... everyones needs are being looked after by me. So when MM swooped into my life, I was more than ready for a little attention. And we all like a little attention. But I had to put myself first in my own mind, not in someone elses. I have discovered so much about my
self in the last 5 months of no contact, a self that I kinda like and respect. You probably do not see that happening with your self, but neither did I. I am happy, I miss him ( or what he did for me ) but I refuse to ever go there again.I do deserve an honest relationship with a man worthy of me.One who doesn't sneak around to see me, or checks his watch when he is with me so he can be home on time.You and I deserve a whole lot better, don't we ?
This will be a tough day for you, but the weight will be lifted from you shoulders soon. Make some happy plans with friends for the next few days so you have something to look forward to.<p>Be strong.......... I know you are !
Mary

Dj,<p>Did you send the letter? Don't delay it, stay strong and stick with your plan ok? Would like to hear from you...

Hi! I haven't got alot of time right now, but wanted to give everyone a quick update. Juanita and MaryRN, it was so good to hear from you again. I'll reply to your comments soon.<p>Well, the letter has been sent (to his work address)! Funny, because after sending it I found a phone message from him. He told me that he injured his hand and will be off work for 1 week...(coincidence?). So, I don't know if someone will call him to tell him it arrived, if he'll receive it when he gets back to work, or if he'll receive it at all!!! Just my luck! Anyway, it has been sent, so I've made progress. If necessary, I'll send it again when he's back to work! <p>My time is up for now, but I'll post again soon. Thank you everyone....I'm still hanging in there!!! Your support and encouragement helps so much and I do appreciate it!

dj,<p>Great! You have come a long way and I'm proud of you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I know it doesn't hurt be told again, you are doing the RIGHT thing. Don't ever lose focus of that.<p>The coincidence does seem a bit odd on the hurting his hand thing. Is it possible the letter had already arrived when you got the call? Because it does seem like a clever ploy to buy himself some time so he can play dumb and try to reach out to you. If you mailed it yesterday, my guess is it would have been in his office the next day for in city delivery. Anyway, don't fall for it and stay determined.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Yeah DJ!!! Yeah DJ!!! Yeah DJ!!! Yeah DJ!!! Yeah DJ!!! Yeah DJ!!! Yeah DJ!!! Yeah DJ!!! Yeah DJ!!! Yeah DJ!!! Yeah DJ!!! Yeah DJ!!! Yeah DJ!!!<p>Just had to show up to support you for this one! You did good!!!!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hello everyone!<p>Just a quick little (somewhat shocking!) update....<p>His wife's 40th surprise birthday party is tomorrow. Can anyone believe that he left me a message that I'm invited??? He also said he was planning to tell his wife during the party that I helped organize and plan the whole event for her. I can't believe this!!! How could he possibly invite me, when he knows that I am her most hated person (and rightfully so) in the world!! (And he said numerous times that she isn't dealing with turning 40 very well...she is depressed and in a mood...then he thinks I should appear at HER party??) What is he trying to do to her?? Where is he coming from on this one?? <p>Maybe it has something to do with the letter. I agree that his hurting his hand issue might be a plot to buy time. He should have received it on the day he was injured. <p>Well, my time is up for now. This invitation really shocked me. I wouldn't even think of going, of course!

I think it's safe to say that he got the letter based upon his sudden surprising behavior. I'm glad to see you aren't going for it, but it does show what lengths he will go to to use you for his addiction. Inviting you to the birthday party is a desperate move on his part to keep you in the tangled web.<p>Assuming he has the letter means he is disrespecting your wishes for no contact. I think others have suggested this could happen where he would step up the heat to pressure you. I hope you can see through this and see him for who he is - someone that doesn't care about what YOU want with no contact, and continues to set out to get what HE wants.<p>If he persists, you may need to send one more letter, this time letting him know that if he disrespects your desire for no contact, you will disclose all the details to his wife. I'm not 100% sure that this is the correct next step since I was in favor of sending her an apology letter in the first place. Maybe the apology letter to her would be the better choice as a next step.<p>Anyone out there with some opinions on what should be done if he persists with contact?

BRAVO, DJ!!!<p>Welcome to Sun City -- the land of light, & opportunity to cultivate within your life all that you most deserve.<p>Take some time, take extra care of yourself, & prepare for many new goodnesses to come.<p>You are brave, you are strong, & you will walk a little taller each day you walk away from this major learning experience.<p>On this day, I celebrate y-o-u.<p>~bliss~