Apr 17/2002
-Talked to W, both daughters are in dance competitions on Thurs, different times, son needs to get to school. Worked with wife to make sure we get the kids where they need to be.
-Asked her if she wanted to go out and play some pool Thursday night. She deferred to next week.

Can I join in? <p>Came home from work with 30 minutes to get to a Junior Wardens meeting with D. Woofed down supper, changed into my uniform and was zipping through the living room when I noticed W rocking in her chair inconspicuously. I made a detour over to the chair, gave her a looonggg kiss, appologized for not asking her how her day was earlier and then asked. She gave me a hug and then said ... "you better get going, but thanks for asking".

Apr 18
- sent wife e-mail
I'm just listing 5 (there are more, but I don't want to overwhelm you).
1. I love your energy. You jump with both feet into whatever you do.
2. I love the way you parent. We are raising great kids.
3. I love your face. That button nose and those blue eyes!
4. I love your sense of adventure. You crave change and excitement.
5. I love your skin. Creamy smooth, without a single blemish.<p>-I'm still working w/ lawyer on papers, but won't be filing. Just protecting myself.
-Wife agreed to goto 1 joint counceling session, she'll see after that. Baby steps.<p>[ April 19, 2002: Message edited by: LostForWords ]</p>

LFW.... a question? It looks like on the first post you tried to meet her need for Family and on your second post Affection.... I believe the concept is to meet at least three of her ENs each day..... just a suggestion....

I like this...meet 3 needs per day? Why didn't I know this? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I want to play too....

And I guess I should correct... if you can meet her 3 most important or highest rated ENs/day. If you can meet all of them even better but if I remember focus on the key ones... the ones that make the largest deposits...

3 a day? What am I superman?<p>It's hard being seperated to do this and I don't want to overwhelm her with phone calls and emails.<p>But I'll try. Deb's post has created a positive feeling!

Well LFW I do have to apologize. in your second post you met two... Affection.... Family commitment.... you said she was a good parent...<p>Other things you can do as you see Deb doing... When you send her emails ask for help... Like where did you leave this... or if I were to do laundry what would I do type of questions... Things that she will know the answers to... Yes you may know the answer also but do it her way... Will help her to feel needed and wanted... and goes far to build self esteem and of course further validation... And of course not a word about the divorce papers!!!

It's so hard to meet 3 EN's a day when I dont even know what they are!!<p>Ok, so you guys think I'm doing good with that? Making him feeling needed and wanted...(I also called and asked him to turn off the dryer I turned on, timer is broken...does that make him feel needed or am I just "bothering him"? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>Don't want to keep calling him...that would start to bother him...<p>I met on of his needs about his "band stuff" i guess.....<p>Hmmm, I just wish I knew what his dam needs are!<p>
I can tell him what a good dad he is for taking care of sick D before he leaves (for the weekend [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] )

Deb,<p>I agree it's hard when they don't communicate them. I have been picking up on stuff from W, but it would be so much nicer if she would just list them. Unfortunetly, it's also hard to identify them. I know for me (and I've told her this) if she took an afternoon off from work and called and asked me to spend it with her doing anything (shopping, early dinner, matinee, etc) it would be the best way for her to show me she loves me (I need quality time). But I didn't realize how good that would make me feel until I had read a ton and understood myself. Most people on this forum have spent the time to get to know themselves, but our spouses may have not. George had a good post about understanding how his W had different (read not wrong) ways of learning and growing. I'm in the hi-tech field, so reaching for a manual to figure something out is second nature, W is more emotional and just reacts.<p>Deb, you might not be able to find the ONE thing that would make your H swoon, but consistant effort on what you think his needs are will also garner results.<p>Good luck, you've been a beacon for me today!

Sure... Deb and LFW... it would be nice wouldn't it? It would have also been nice if we had asked them before all this crap went down and we wouldnt be here would we.... So now we have to do some thinking, we have to work harder, and we have to deal with frustration.... My W does not tell me her needs either... but I thought hard enough, I watched her, I listened to what little she spoke or speaks.... You will be surprised what you can learn... It is like developing a 6th sense!!!!!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I listened to what little she spoke or speaks.... <hr></blockquote><p>What if they don't speak?<p>OK, he is getting a little better...he doesn't just look at me like I'm from some other planet when I speak to him....

Thanks LFW!!! And thanks George too! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>OK, an exercise: I went to MB concepts and picked up the most important EN's.<p> Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration <p>Let's say since we don't know which are our spouses MOST important we try to hit them ALL!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Is it possible?<p> Affection:
Towards family as a whole, I guess give everybody a hug & kiss goodbye. Including H this morning. (I know people say I shouldn't but..... [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] )

Sexual Fulfillment:
N/A (but I would!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p> Conversation:
Talked about the kids (sick) and talked "Music " to him. (That is the only positive so far!)<p> Recreational Companionship:
N/A<p> Honesty and Openness:
Yes, I'm honest & open...<p> Physical Attractiveness:
Don't come downstairs till dressed and made-up, inc. hair...wore new clothes today that look pretty good on me...(just top and shoes, NOT the dress, YET! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] )<p> Financial Support:
Nothing here today, but hit that the other day with splitting of income tax....<p> Domestic Support:
That would be taking care of the children? Yup. House? Yup, house clean, front porch fixed up nice with porch furniture out now. Dishes done, I took them out of dishwasher this time....laundry done...groceries in the house, to feed children (& him) today)<p> Family Commitment:
I AM committed to my family, he KNOWS that!<p> Admiration :
Probably his MOST IMPORTANT!!! Hmmmm, today....I guess not yet....need some help here.....BIG TIME!!<p>I may be meeting needs but NOT the right ones!! I just don't know how I can admire him without being "fake" about or swooning over him!?!?!? HELP!!<p>[ April 19, 2002: Message edited by: debdesign ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by GSN:
<strong>Well LFW I do have to apologize. in your second post you met two... Affection.... Family commitment.... you said she was a good parent...
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>.....honesty and comunication? <p>The little "special" things we do can streatch a long way.

Deb, would you say admiration is his top need? Then what would be the next two? I would guess Recreational Companionship- TO him his work... He loves to play music!!! So doing the CD thing, going to his gigs, etc. would help fullfill that... Also when you and the kids were riding piggyback?? RC.... Did your H have any hobbies beside music? What things does he watch on TV? (Get him tickets to Blues Clues!) Look at these things to see what he sees that is interesting and then find something in real life that resembles that... See if you can do it with him or give him the opportunity to do it..<p>So lets see what would be his 3rd? Financial Security or Family? YEs he knows you are committed to the family.... but what would make him realize he is commmited to the family? The putting up the screen suggestion is a thing to help family and meets domestic support also... Emptying the DW is family support... but what are other things that would make him feel wanted and part of the family and in doing it he would realize that.... <p>As far as Financial support... Again the CD cover thing.... Not only doing the cover but discussing the music, discussing the capability to sell and thinking of ideas of how he can sell.... A local band I know and used to play with sometimes.. The lead singers W comes along and Hawks CDs during the performance..... signs up members for fan club etc.... comes up with promotional ideas for making more money... On the other side showing him his importance in contributing to the payouts for the household and other needs... not to bug him for money but to say hey, I am running short this week can you help me out... The kids need this or this... and then of course do not make him feel obligated but reward him when and if he does.... letting him know how much his FSupport is necessary in running the houselhold...<p>Just some suggestions...

Other hobby he "had", but not so much into right now...Collecting Hot Wheel Cars!! I bought him some for Easter along with a "Hot Wheels" chocolate bunny! He's got BOXES & BOXES of Hot Wheels in the basement unopened packages he's collected over the past years. At Easter he said he wasn't really buying them anymore because he's running out of room to store them! What he needs is some type of those plastic storage bins so they don't get damaged or something and so they are organized better.....<p>As far as TV, I don't know what he watches anymore...we were always into comedies...I don't watch with him anymore (obviously...)<p>The CD thing, gonna do that....<p>Asking him for money? I've NEVER done that! He's asked me (sorta, in a roundabout way) but I've never had to ask him...maybe if he's going to store I can say "can you pick up this , or that..." That way he is contributing...feeling "needed"....He does give 7yo lunch money every Monday...OH! I asked him for money the other day! 7 yo lost a tooth and tooth fairey only had a Twenty! He got home b4 she got up so I asked him for a couple ones to put under her pillow....hows that?<p>[ April 19, 2002: Message edited by: debdesign ]</p>

Apr 20
-W is out for the weekend, I'm home with the kids. Busy weekend with dance compititions, skating lessons and D5 attending a friends birthday party.
-I've decided to not move back home. I'm going to trust that W is telling me the truth, that she just doesn't know what she wants. I'm going to show her she wants me!
-I'm going to renew my efforts at Plan A
-I am going to take W out this week and play some pool, something she loves to do (and so do I).

Way to recover LFW I am happy for you. Keep up the possitive attitude. I have my fingers crossed for ya.
Cathy

Apr 21
-W comes home from ski trip. I meet her at the door and ask how trip was. Invite her to sit down and tell me about it. She does and we seem to get along.
-I thank her for saying she'll attend joint counceling and the smile slips from her face. I guess this was a LB.
-I goto leave and give her a hug and she keeps her hands on my waist, no return hug. She sees the disappointment on my face and basically gives me the eye roll. Another LB.

Apr 23/24
-W called, check engine light came on. Van was still running ok, so I told her to drop it off at the dealership and let them run the diagnostic. We just bought it used, so it's still under 30 day warranty.
-I called W this morning just to say hi. Wed is hectic day, as kids have swimming lessons and then have to be home for the school bus by 11:30. Asked how her workout was (puts kids in child watch). She said good. Conversation was short, but happy.