Oh Chalk, that is one of the most awful stories I have ever heard. The tears were rolling down my cheeks as I read it. I hope that writing it down helped with your trauma. I had PTSD during my divorce without any physical violence, just from trapping me in rooms and yelling at me day and night. I cannot imagine how terrible it must have been to know that your WH was ready to kill you.

I agree with Goody, you are being triggered by the court papers. Had you thought about getting someone to do your reading for you? My IM summarises the legal points for me so that I do not have to read any 'swill' as he calls it. Then I am fine from there.

I do have to admit that seeing him in the courtroom triggers me but nothing like as badly as that must be for you. I wonder if, in your case, the judge would allow you to be in another room? You could argue that you are afraid that he will physically attack you in the court. Your police report will support that.

It would have the additional benefit of making him furious.

Hi Living Well, thanks very much for your message. I've been thinking about how to get myself out of this rut of negative feelings. However, the weirdest thing is that I find it difficult to hold that thought - that WH was prepared to kill me to protect whatever rubbish was on his cell phone - in my head too long. So I only get triggered by the really bad stuff when I have flashbacks (which only happen in really low moments), but it is the routine lying and manipulation that hurts me more on a day to day basis. It is really painful to suddenly acknowledge lies that you hadn't recognised before when your mind wanders over some innocuous memory. But i guess it is all part of the process of adjusting to history how it actually was, rather than what I thought it was at the time.

It is definitely the court papers - but also the uncertainty surrounding visitation. Yesterday, WH missed the deadline for providing documentary evidence of the trip he told my lawyer he is making to see the children next week. Now that he has not done what was required by Court Order in order to arrange the visit, he will not be able to see the children. My lawyer has advised that I should make Christmas plans for them alone instead.

That is all very well, but I am getting more and more anxious as the time approaches wondering what is going to happen. My lawyer thinks he will not travel at all, but I don't seem to be able to compartmentalise the stress of not knowing. He has now, finally, got himself a lawyer to respond to the interim maintenance application (just to show where his priorities lie - no lawyer for kids stuff, but when it come to his pay packet.....) but he only appointed him on Friday and the deadline for his responding affidavit is today.

Maybe I need to just accept that I am going to be in a bit of emotional turmoil until the court date is done - but that I will feel better immediately afterwards. And unlike previous court appearances, this time I definitely will get an order for maintenance of some amount - so it can only be good for me.

Some of this is just the normal part of grieving. In time, new happy memories will replace the old sad ones. Take lots of photos of your children and put them up in the places you are likely to get triggered.



Can you take the children somewhere for a Christmas treat? That would remove the uncertainty

I'm just caught up on your thread and I am gobsmacked that this much bravery and resourcefulness can exist in one human being.

I'm sure that your children thank God for you every day. I can't believe you managed to keep everyone safe, provided for, loved AND make legal history, while yelling exposure from the top of your lungs the whole time!

You did NOT keep to a plan B! but with your child being held hostage it was the right decision. Now you will be experiencing all of the fall out for the trauma of that time. I'd consult a professional, for yourself and possibly the kids too (OC certainly).

You used that incident to start your plan. Your brain filed it the way it needed to at the time.

I was quite stunned by the fact you were exposing while still in reach of a what was clearly a scary person. BSs are usually scared off exposure by far less and here even I was thinking 'nope'. But then you mentioned the children's passports and how it had to be fight, rather than flight.

You were in a situation where you had to take big risks (really its amazing youre alive) and your brain just decided to ignore the really really scary stuff so as to not paralyze you. I'd say it worked.

Ah, thanks for such compliments Indie! Sometimes, when I have a brief moment to think, I am quite proud of myself.....but then i remind myself that the fight is not over yet, so I can't start to be complacent otherwise it might all fall apart. Once the maintenance hearing is done next week, I will sort it out.

OC has already been seeing a psychologist at the recommendation of his school. She's been brilliant for both of us, actually. Although I was a bit put out that the school suggested it initially. The psychologist has turned out to be totally enamored with OC also took it upon herself to call the school and challenge some of their ideas about him and I. She said she got the impression they believe (without any evidence) that I must be struggling to cope with life (well I guess it is understandable for them to think that - i do have four kids, a full time job, a handful of court cases, and a crazy H ;)), and she thinks they don't understand why OC lives with me or what the whole situation is.

I guess I am going to have to prepare myself for people's misinterpretations of our family in future. And I am just starting to understand (and feel) the prejudice single mums get - especially in an expatriate environment where nuclear two-parent families are over-represented.

I LOVED exposure - I wish I could have done more!! It really is so therapeutic and you feel like you are really fighting for what is right. It is scary, and my WH went absolutely crazy for an entire 3 months afterward the initial explosion of anger, but the amazing thing for me to observe was that it had ZERO real negative effect on WH's attitude towards me. He was still sending love messages and pathetic attempts to reconcile even after being totally exposed to our whole community and his work. When the initial exposure explosion died down, I was really sorry that it hadn't lasted longer. That would be the one thing I wish other BSs would remember - exposure anger is very temporary. But its effects on the affair/wayward behaviour are long lasting.

I loved it too!

In my case I got a much colder reception, with him ignoring me (until plan b of course which made me super important all of a sudden) but it's still the case that even when exposure doesn't 'work', it still gives you super important information about the WS.

Same thing with unsupportive exposure targets. Its totally worth knowing that people in your circle are shameless enablers. I never understand it when people say exposure/targets 'aren't worth it'. Exposure works even when it doesn't work.


Brilliant for culling dead weights. On that topic...

I would let some of the snooty expats self select themselves out of your circle. It saves you the time.

But hold on to the psychologist with both hands!

It has been a dramatic few days here. WH arrived in the country on Sunday having totally failed to do what was necessary in order to properly arrange to see the kids. We have a court order that says he had to arrange visits in writing at least 7 days in advance and provide proof of his accommodation booking. He did not do those things, but the moment he set foot in the country he started bombarding my lawyer with threatening emails and calls saying he was being prevented from seeing his children, just as he had done when we were living in the previous country.

The following day, on Monday, I got a call from the police because WH had tried to get me arrested AGAIN (third time), saying that I was violating the court order ?!!!? But now that I am used to dealing with police and the law (thanks WH and OW for these new skills), it was all resolved and WH was told to go away. This was all on the day before my eldest son's 8th birthday. What kind of person wants their first born's son to have a permanent memory of his birthday as the day papa got the police to take mama away?!!

On Tuesday, the day before our planned court hearing, WH's lawyer contacted mine saying he was prepared to agree to almost everything I was asking. But on Wednesday, when we turned up at court, WH went back on everything he had said the previous day and suddenly wanted to reduce the amonunt of child support he was paying me (which was a pitiful amount anyway). I have no idea what game he was playing. In the end, we had to argue the points and the judge was scathing about WH's behaviour. He awarded me 40% of his salary - which was less than what I was asking for, but still pretty fantastic given that I earn a lot of money myself.

I was quite emotional after the hearing, but I think it was just the stress overwhelming me after 10 months of fighting. I now feel such calm at the thought that there is a court order in place to force WH to pay an appropriate amount of money every month, so I will really be able to move forward and plan - and give the kids some more certainty about their future too.

The next thing on the endless list of legal processes is a forensic investigation of the relationship between OC and I in January. The social worker that is doing the assessment will then submit a report to court on OC's best interests - and that will enable us to finalise the court order giving me full parental rights and custody of him sometime during 2018 (hopefully).

Also, now that the divorce papers have finally been served on WH, we can move forward with discovery. I am looking forward to getting hold of his bank statements (SA law says you can go back 3 years from point of separation) so that I can quantify the exact amount of family money that was given to OW, and then counter sue her for alienation of affection as a response to her defamation suit against me.

At the end of the court hearing, WH tried to talk to me saying "I'm so sorry for everything. So is it really over between us? Are we really divorcing?" after having just spent the previous 6 hours arguing to a judge as to why he shouldn't be paying anything for his children. ZERO grip on reality.....

The day he went to the police was the day before our eldest son's 8th birthday. What kind of person wants their son to have a permanent reminder on their birthday that that was the day papa got the police to take mama away?!! And then asks if there is any hope for us two days later?!

Yeah I've wondered about those types of behaviours before too. You want to see me/be with her so much you'll trample over requests, laws, basic decency to get it?

I mean its clear they dont give a monkeys about anyones humanity or feelings so what are they after? The closest analogy I've been able to come up is that they see loved ones as vending machines, not people. Willing to stand around ignored until You have an unexpected appetite, no needs or feelings of its own, and it's also acceptable to thump on, shake or mistreat the vending machine when it doesn't pay out. They also expect the thumping to work. Sometimes it does!

You might enjoy this. It's about how if you want to keep someone with you forever, but not really offer much in the way of incentive, you should keep hurling problems their way so they are too busy to think. Its called a 'sick system'. Its because of this kind of thing that I love how marriagebuilders is not a marriage at all costs kind of thing.


http://issendai.livejournal.com/572510.html

Hi Indie, that is so ironic for you to send me that. WH has often joked that the way to live a happy life is to keep your wife pregnant for as long as possible. I always thought he was joking. But when I look back at my past 8 years, there was only about 12 months when I wasn't pregnant, breast feeding or recovering from a miscarriage......and see how much terrible treatment I put up with because I was too exhausted/bloated/struggling to look after kids and work to do anything else. There are real people who choose this philosophy of life!!!!!

That link describes exactly how I feel! "Like somebody just stopped pounding me over the head with a hammer...but I didn't know the hammer was there" Thank you!

You handled all this so well!

You should get the judge to sign a subpoena that goes directly to the bank. You may need a local lawyer to serve this. That way you will get the documents right away as banks do not mess around. As well as bank statements you want outgoing wire instructions with destination account numbers and names. You may find he has moved his account, this will allow you to quickly and easily follow the thread.

Subpoena his employer for salary and bonus information. Subpoena his accountant for tax returns and any trusts he has set up.

Deliver a discover request to WH too of course but it will be ignored. The problem is that a civil court does not have much in the way of teeth in the event of non compliance. No need for me to explain how I know that :-)

Thank you so much for these tips Living Well! I will definitely ask for all that.

Plan B question: So my super manipulative WH is messing me around with visitation already. The court ordered that he can see the children 3 days on, 1 day off from yesterday until 4th Jan (when he leaves the country again), but must bring our baby back to me every afternoon at 5pm. He turned up as agreed at 9am yesterday, but then brought our baby back an hour early (when I was out) and then got the boys to call me to say he doesn't want to take her today - because its too hard to do fun stuff with a baby. I said (to him via the boys) that he is not allowed to just decide he doesn't want one of his children when the court ordered the visitation arrangement 2 days ago. He now says he is coming to fetch her, but is already 1 hour and 15 mins late so we are just sitting here waiting.

I just don't know what to do. I sent a message to my lawyer but it is Christmas and everyone is away (in South Africa the Christmas holiday coincides with the long summer break for schools, meaning people can we away for weeks at this time). Basically, he is able to completely control my life again and there is nothing I can do about it!! I can refuse to give him my baby, but then I won't get the break from kids I really need after being on my own with them for so long. I've already made a hair and nails appointment for today, and I really don't want to cancel because I so rarely get the chance.

Do I just accept that he is going to manipulate and control me until he leaves the country again?! Do I refuse to let him take the boys again when he brings them back because he can't keep to arrangements? And how do I manage this extreme frustration without any contact with him? Because of the time difference, my IM, my sister in the UK, is not yet up at the specific time these frustrations arise (9am in the morning SA time).

PS. The judge said supervised visitation was not practical at this time of year.

If your nanny is available, is it possible if she takes care of the baby during visitation? Although it will make things (a lot) easier for him, you will have a set of eyes and ears around your children during visitation.

Do you have any writen prove of him not being on time (text, mail) or does he communicate by phone with your children?

Plan anther time for your time to relax, when you are not dependant of what your husband does or does not do. Maybe your sister can come over for a week?

I would plan to expect disruptions like this - have a babysitter in reserve for when he lets you down. I would log everything disruptive he has done here for future legal arguments.

You could have your IM send a note saying you can't allow any more ad hoc arrangements as its too upsetting for the children. He needs to be a) on time and b) sticking to court arrangements and c) not using the children as messengers to disrupt arrangements.

In future if he's more than 15 mins late or if he's being disruptive, take them to the babysitter or go do something fun as a family.

I have seen all the WHs try these tricks and they can be successfully trained into being on time and on schedule when messing about is unrewarding. Even if he's not, you have a back up plan.