Hello, I am hoping to receive some advice about resentment in a marriage. The irony of my situation is that I was the one that had the affair and yet I am unable to move on from the hurt that I am feeling.
I will start at the beginning. My husband and I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children, aged 15 and 17. I would describe our relationship as very passionate at the beginning and quite accommodating for both sides. We married when I was 22 and my husband was 27. This is my husband�s second marriage and he has a son, aged 24, from his first marriage. I was told immediately about his previous marriage when dating and was excited and happy to accept this child into my (our) lives. His son visited us regularly while living with his mother and we now have fairly regular contact with him, his spouse and children. I would say we have also been successful and strong parental guides for our other two children as well. They are doing very well at school and beyond and I believe we are and have provided a very loving home for them.
My husband started a successful business 10 years ago and has never been out of work. I was very proud of him for pursuing his passion to start his own business as his extended family was not supportive of such a venture. He has worked from home and often has clients over for meetings. This did not please me as I felt it was an invasion into our home but after many discussions we did not come to any compromise. I would also describe my husband as a workaholic but I also did not communicate the sadness that this caused me. I do recall many nights, weekends; holidays spent waiting for my husband to finish work so that we could be together as a family or a couple. I do believe that a childhood spent with very little money in a single mother family has caused a lot of anxiety for my husband as he does believe that it is his role to ensure that he is never in that situation again. The need for financial security is immense even when I have shown him that we are very financial now and should be able to enjoy a little bit of R&R. My husband has not taken any substantial time off since the business started.
I also worked part time outside of the business and would also help with the financial side of the business. I did feel that there was a total lack of engagement from my husband in our family life for approximately the last 5 years as I was left to deal with the children�s schooling, activities and family duties as he concentrated more and more on the business. He suffered several mini breakdowns as he continued to work extreme hours and I tried to help him navigate a more successful work life balance by trying to schedule some relaxation and family time into his working week. He would try to accommodate it but would quickly slip back to a frantic work pace always believing he should take the work while it was there and save for a rainy day to protect his family�s financial security. My husband also had a heart issue that turned out to be a bit of a wakeup call for him a couple of years ago. He decided to get fit so he took up cycling which did allow him to clear his mind at the end of day. I believe this was very beneficial to his mental state however he did decide on several occasions to work (tinker) on his bike before spending time with our family. This hurt but I do understand that this choice was never malicious as he found the activity to be a complete break from work.
I believe that I was more than happy to be the giver (as stated on your website) for many years but I truly snapped into the taker mode in August this year. My birthday was in August and we have a very large show that comes to town which I love to attend. I got up on my birthday (a Saturday) and my husband asked what I wanted to do for my birthday. I stated that I wanted to go the show. His reply was��I don�t really like the show but I will drop you off and will meet you later�. I was a little shocked but went to the show and enjoyed the time on my own. I had a couple of hours alone but was then joined by sister and cousin for the remainder of the day as they both know how fond I am of the show and they wanted to see me for my birthday. That evening my husband brought in my daughter to see me at the show. I was watching the nighttime entertainment but he wanted to see the pavilions so we left our spot and moved around the show. Eventually, we returned to watch the show as most of the pavilions were closed by that stage. I was quite upset by that stage but true to form did not really communicate my sadness. I am not the best communicator and I am definitely a people pleaser. This has not worked well for me or my neck which is constantly sore and stiff.
I went to sleep that night thinking that I really could�ve had a much better day on my own. I could�ve got myself a gift, spent some time on myself and really didn�t need worry anymore about what my family could arrange for me on my birthday. I think I found it so upsetting as I do try and make their birthdays so memorable and really consider them when buying them gifts. I awoke the next day to learn that one of my very close childhood friends had died the night before (my birthday) after battling a year long fight with pancreatic cancer. I was shattered. We were very close when teenagers and had talked fairly often through his battle. He was always so positive so I had always thought he would get through it and I had never lost anyone close to my age like that before.
As I struggled with the shock my husband came to me and said that he realized that he had not done enough for my birthday and would take me out for a meal the following night. It got to the time we were meant to leave and he was working on his bike. He looked at me and said, �where are you going?� We went out after I told him he was meant to be taking me out and we went to a local restaurant but I don�t think either of us enjoyed the occasion. I was very checked out by this stage.
A week later I flew down on my own to attend the funeral in another state. My family was there with their spouses but my husband did not attend. I was completely checked out by this stage. I was flying home and met someone on the plane. I was in total shock when they gave me their business card. I did not feel attractive at all.
The affair started from then. I truly went into the taker mode. I did just enough to get by. I disengaged from my family and thought about myself only. I lied continually, I got a second phone and I did whatever I could to continue contact with this person. After 2 months I ended the affair. I have no contact and never wanted a permanent relationship with this person. I actually would love to be on my own. I know my husband had a couple of years on his own after the breakdown of his first marriage and I crave that as I have never been on my own.
My husband has totally turned his life around. As soon as he understood the pain I was feeling he changed. He had to endure 2 months of the affair. He is now engaged in the family. He helps with all domestic duties, he is planning upcoming events and is continually communicating with me about his future plans. He has forgiven me for the affair and taken on his role in the relationship issues we were having. The problem is that I cannot move on. I know it is ridiculous as I had the affair and my head is saying that logically my husband should have left me for such a betrayal. I still cannot get over the hurt I am feeling. I know that I did not communicate well with my husband and that I need to acknowledge that but I still get stuck in a negative loop of anger. I feel I have given so much and seeing my friend die at such an early age I do not want to give away any more of my life.
I also feel a real need to be on my own to find my own identity. My children are my life and I am so excited for them as they enter the next phase of their lives after school and into their careers and I want that excitement for me as well. I feel we are both very positive, attractive people but I am just not sure that we are able to fulfill each other like we used to. I would like to know if I can work through this resentment with my husband. I am concerned that I am continually hurting him when I sink back into the negative loop.

Thanking you for your time.

Welcome! I think you did right in coming here as you don't seem to know much about affair recovery. It is quite normal for marriages to limp on when nothing has been done to kill the affair effectually (a withdrawal from contact and willingness to have no contact are not really enough) and no attempt to build romantic love has taken place. Domestic help won't do that.

I'll dig you out the checklist. Tell us if each item has been done.

So I think your main problem is with radical honesty. I doubt your husband knows your true feelings on any given day.

Your husband is/was breaking his neck to provide financial stability and at any point you could have course corrected him by asking if he was making enough to pay for the inevitable divorce and the upkeep of two households. Then you support him in a independent hobby which takes more of him away!

Please look over this checklist and let us know what you have done so far and to what extent: e.g. how much leisure time is spent alone together weekly.

.

I don't want anyone to miss this. He endured weeks of an active affair and *you* think you're in pain? No. It can be lonely and frustrating, scary even to be in a marriage where you'd rather be alone than together - but you don't have the first idea what pain is.


Are you willing to bring him here where we can help him?

Hi indiegirl,

Thank you for your reply and assistance.
Here is the checklist completed.



Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_SOME____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
SPOUSE DOES NOT WANT TO ASK ANY MORE QUESTIONS.

__YES___The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

__NO___The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse. PHONE CALL WAS MADE INSTEAD. SPOUSE OKAY WITH THAT.

__NO___The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

___YES__Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_YES____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

__NO___Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

__YES___Spend leisure time together.

__NOT NEEDED___Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

__YES___Avoid overnight separation.

__YES___Allow technical accountability.

_YES____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


Any recommendations after reading our checklist?

Thanks.

Yes, we are here together.

Mr L could you start up your own thread please?

Not that it isn't nice to see an integrated approach but the advice for each of you is very different.

Exposure is step one and frequently mishandled. Who knows? (List them) and who told them? What were they told exactly?

Step two is a plan for undivided attention and the four intimate needs to be met. What does that plan look like in terms of hours per week/activities/needs met?

Sometimes Dr Harley recommends kickstarting recovery with going away for a few weeks but its imperative that you come up with a plan that you can stick to week in week out.

Louise, I would write out the following and give it to your husband to do with as he wishes:



Maybe he will send it now, maybe he will keep it somewhere safe in case of the affair resurrecting or the OM attempting contact.

He may insist he does not need it, and probably even believes that. But make the gesture all the same and insist he keeps it somewhere you won't see it.

Glad to hear OM is blocked

Hi Louise, welcome to Marriage Builders. What has happened in your marriage is pretty typical when the marriage is no longer a priority. In your case, your marriage came after your husband's career and then his exercise.

This problem was greatly aggravated by your lack of complaints and your bad practice of sacrifice. People who make sacrifices, as you have, tend to develop resentments. They give, give, give, and give and when that giving is not reciprocated, they become angry and take, take, take. That is what happened here.

You have resentments today, but that can change if you follow this program. You can have a passionate, romantic marriage again.

However, none of that is possible if you feel you are entitled to have an affair if your husband does not make you happy. He is not safe as long as that is your attitude.

So my question to you would be what will you do in the future to protect your husband from a reoccurrence?

Have you read this? Also, listen to the radio clips in here.
What is Just Compensation?

Hi everyone,

We greatly appreciate all your answers and assistance. I have discussed the idea of my husband starting a new thread for his own recovery but he has declined. We have bought the book "Surviving an Affair" and we will start reading and working on the activities asap.
I am looking forward to working on the The Policy of Joint Agreement as I believe it will help me to communicate my own needs. My husband has said that the biggest thing he is struggling with is my level of commitment to making it work. I would like to know if the book will give him some advice on how to assist him with his recovery from the affair and what I can do to help this too.
I do not feel that I am entitled to have an affair or affairs in the future if my husband does not make you happy. I totally understand that my lack of communication and sacrifices for the sake of the family lead to this affair. It was not a consequence of my husbands actions as I always had many other options to choose from other than jumping straight into an affair.
What I am struggling with is the resentment of lost time and a lost identity. Hoping this resentment will lessen if we work together on the Policy of Joint Agreement. I do feel very selfish for even thinking that I have a right to feel resentment considering the hurt I have inflicted on my husband and family.

Louise, the resentment stems from your long practice of sacrifice, but that can be mitigated if you follow these steps to fall in love again. if you are happy in the present, your mind won't wander to the unhappiness of the past. The same applies to your husband.

The MOST CRITICAL step of all will be the policy of undivided attention. It will take 15 hours PLUS per week of undivided attention, meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment to create a romantic marriage. Dr Harley recommends planning 4 - 4 hour dates weekly to achieve this objective, using this planner: here <----this step will make the greatest difference in the fastest time in your marriage.


I am more concerned about his commitment to your marriage. How would you describe his commitment level?

Is his marriage still a lower priority than his career and his exercise program?

I'm pretty concerned by how checked out your husband is too. It's not clear whether that's a result of the pain of betrayal or whether he simply liked the marriage the way it was and doesn't want to change it.

The former can be assuaged by your actions going forward. Making solid time in the calendar for UA and giving recovery your all is the best healing you can give a BS. If it's the latter, he won't want UA time, because it will cut into his hobby.

That's where you will need to stand firm and make sure that you don't sacrifice. It's easy, and low conflict short term but it's a marriage wrecking behaviour long term.

The aim of this programme is to make sure that you have fun and fulfilment too. That you design the kind of life and lifestyle you want together with your husband.

So no more resentment making sacrifices for you as of today!

Oh! I almost forgot. You can't afford any love busters at the moment and I saw a big one in your initial post:

. I do believe that a childhood spent with very little money in a single mother family has caused a lot of anxiety for my husband

This is a disrespectful judgement. Try not to diagnose his childhood or explain his feelings to him or for him.

If you need to make complaints keep the focus squarely on YOUR feelings: "I don't like that", "That bothers me", "I'm not okay with that". It will make you feel like a square wheel at first but it's a short, simple, honest and useful message to communicate.

Also you are the only one who knows what you are feeling and there is no point playing Madame Zoltar with predicting the feelings of others. As youve discovered it's useless in dismissing your resentment simply to attribute what you feel are understandable motives, so don't try to. Be honest and direct about yourself instead.

Who was on the exposures list btw?

I do wish to thank everyone for your reply's. I am very grateful that we are able to access such supportive advice at this time.

My husband has totally turned his life around. As soon as he understood the pain I was feeling he changed. He had to endure 2 months of the affair. He is now engaged in the family. He helps with all domestic duties, he is planning upcoming events and is continually communicating with me about his future plans. He has forgiven me for the affair and taken on his role in the relationship issues we were having. For the last 4 months everything else for him has taken a back seat to focus on our marriage.
He is continually reading information about getting over affairs and we are both happy to complete a Policy of Joint Agreement. It will be nice to have some fun and fulfillment too. We have been able to enjoy more alone time to talk over the Christmas break. I am feeling more positive day after day about the future and now that we have some kind of plan. It has been me that has had trouble moving forward so let's hope the resentment starts to lift soon.

Exposure list was my sister and brother in law. My father knows we are having some issues but does not know about the affair.