You should expose the affair to all her family and friends. Please go read the link in my signature and come back and we can help you with feedback.

Is there a forum, section, or thread for finding a Plan B mediator?

I have no neutral friends willing to take this on. They either don�t want to or tell me to let go. I�m losing the last minuscule sliver of any hope remaining. I cannot afford $200/ hour on a lawyer. I don�t know where else to turn right now. I don�t trust myself with a fake email address that I consider to be the last resort.


It doesn�t help that my DS11 tattled on me tonight. I got WH�s change of address packet in the mail and even though I was expecting it, I shattered again. I cursed, collapsed, screamed, and cried. Apparently still cursing.

DS sent WH �mommy got ur mail and is on the floor crying� then said �she called you a [censored]�. Lovely.
I had texted him the same time as DS, WH read DS�s first.
I reminded him we agreed to discuss something last night after his visit with DS. I was still working on the details of Plan B while trying to remain NC yesterday but he & DS came barging into the bedroom I was hiding in. I tried not to interact on any topics not related to DS. WH kept engaging me in his search for more of his junk and other small talk. Not even books deter this man from talking.
When I asked if we could get together this week to discuss it, he texted �No�. The remaining conversation went like this:
Me: Okay. Thank you for even considering it.
Him: I�m a [censored].
Me: Yes and so much more right now. DS does NOT need to see me shattered. He saw me collapse because of it. I got your change of address notification. I broke completely. I never should have been forced into a situation like this. Death is acceptable. This is not.
Him: I�m sorry but I refuse to leave my son permanently. (came as I was typing)
Me: Tonight I broke and lost total control of everything I felt and said. Every [censored] word I usually keep for my journal. He heard everything I called you.
Him: I�m done with you. If you can�t talk to me only about DS then don�t talk to me at all. I have been trying to be nice to you thinking it was best for DS. I guess that was wrong of me. (Also came through as I was typing)
Me: I would never ask or force you to leave DS. [censored] you if you thought that.
Me: You win. I quit.

The topic of discussion I wanted last night was about DS. It�s too late for that now.

Yep, I screwed up big time tonight. I don�t want to place blame on DS but if he hadn�t texted WH... meh, not worth thinking about tonight. It�s 1 am here and I�m off topic.

If WH wants to go limited contact, I think it�s time to go full Plan B NC.
Plan of attack for next Sunday, if I cannot find a Plan B mediator in time is me locking the bedroom door to keep him from taking anything and going to the library until he leaves. Even if WH takes DS somewhere, I�ll go to the library anyway to avoid overlapping time at the house. It�s the best I�ve got right now.

Isn�t 6 weeks too far out for this level of exposure? Tomorrow Jan 10 is 6 weeks.
I feel like the damage is done and I will look like the crazy stupid one. He moved out under the pretense that he gave up on our marriage. I don�t know who all heard that from him.
Not to mention the risks that it might provide cannon fodder in divorce proceedings for custody of our DS.
I�m terrified of that.


I know what he did was still considered an affair. The lying, hiding, secrets, etc.
Where do I find proof this works for situations similar to mine?
I�m crying. I�m shaking. I�m scared.

6 weeks is not too far out, exposure is your essential first step. If you do not expose, your personal recovery will be affected. The only downside to exposure is the time before you expose, you will be scared.

Find her FB friends with the same last name, easy to find her family. Grandparents if you can find them are great exposure targets.

Wherre did they meet? Is their contact related to her job? Then you need to expose to her workplace as well.

Post again when you gathered contact info of exposure targets.

Hi MysticAngel,

Exposure is scary - but it also provides you with a wonderful active way of intervening to fight against the affair that will give you back some control of your life that the affair and its consequences have robbed from you. Exposure is pretty much the only thing a BS can do to damage the fantasy of the affair, by showing the world (or at least the people who know you, your WH and OW) the sordid nasty truth about what these two amoral selfish people have done to you and your family. It is also an essential step towards recovery because it shows your WH that you will not accept infidelity in marriage, and what the consequences of his behaviour are.

If you use the text of the exposure letters on this site, and avoid any language that can be interpreted as vindictive or nastiness, then you can feel confident that you will not prejudice any court proceedings. You are not punishing your WS or trying to hurt him. Exposure is about telling the world you are standing up for your marriage and that you want your husband to come back to his family. It is not something that will make you look bad. It will make him and OW look bad - because that is what they are!

This misses the point, he is a MARRIED MAN. Moving out does not mean = not married. He is a married man who moved out to shack up with a HOE. You need to expose this fact to her family. Let them know that this is a married man who abandoned his wife and child for an affair.



Telling the truth about an affair is not cannon fodder. You have all the leverage here because he is a married man who abandoned his wife and child for an affair.



Do you have PROOF that your tactic of enabling works? How come its not working so far?

You aren't getting any "proof" this works because there is only a 50% chance your marriage can be saved at this point, if you follow these steps. If you don't, then I guarantee you that your marriage is over. You are guaranteed to lose your marriage if you continue on this path of enabling because your husband has absolutely NO REASON to end his affair.

This is not Plan B. He should never be allowed in that house again. He should be given a strict visitation schedule where he picks the child up from the drive way and you never see or speak to him.


Will one of your friends agree to just be a spam filter who passes on pertinent information to you? they are not a mediator but an intermediary, a spam filter. If you set up a strict visitation schedule, there will be very little cause for communication.

What do you mean by a fake email address?


I would get this wrapped up TODAY before he takes you down completely. You are harming your son by dragging this out. Do you want to lose your son to your H and the OW when you have a nervous breakdown? That is where you are headed, my friend.

Quoting of text messages (or email for that matter) allows a Google search to find you and your thread on this forum.

At this point you want to make sure your WH does not know your strategy. The mods will remove the text conversation that you exchanged if you think this is a risk for you.

MA, my brother had an affair several years ago and his wife had a nervous breakdown and was admitted to the mental hospital. Their son went to live with my brother and his OW. That is where you are headed if you don't shut off contact with him and go into a DARK Plan B immediately! You will lose your son if you lose your mental health!

You need to go into Plan B TODAY. Change those locks, send a letter and commit to complete darkness.

If you do this, in a few short weeks you will feel 1000% better than you have in a long time.

The �fake� email I mentioned is one I would create if I cannot find an IM anywhere. I know it�s stupid to think I can handle it on my own but I�m running out of people to ask.

I would target the friends who are telling you to 'let go' because they are dead right. They clearly want to help and disapprove of your plan c where WH is in your home?!!! And where is is his decisions guiding your plans.


"If WH wants to go limited contact, I think it�s time to go full Plan B NC. "

No. Your friends are right. It's way overdue for YOU because you do need to let go.

Explain to them you want to go email contact only and just need someone to filter out any drama or digs so you can focus on parenting and healing. Plan b is not a love potion or ploy.

Hopefully an MBer who is free to take you on as an IM will chime in, but you can certainly scale down the drama more or less immediately.

Change your phone number, alert him that discussion will be email and visitation changes only, don't admit him to the property. These are things that will encourage your friends to see yhat there is a PLAN not a mess to 'mediate'

What would be fake about it?

I would not do that because it completely defeats the purpose of Plan B. Surely you have one friend/relative who would agree to act as a SPAM FILTER in order to protect you?

It would be me monitoring it.


I think I found someone to IM for me. I know I can trust her.

I can�t change my number. I can�t afford a phone on my own. I have no income yet.
I�m looking and applying for a job of some kind but no luck yet. I�ve been a SAHM 23 years and full time student the past 3. I graduate in May.

MA, do you have a family member who can help you change the locks? You can go to Home Depot and get door locks relatively cheap.

Super!

Mystic, this is extremely dangerous. Even if a B.S. is still functioning and strong she risks mental health issues by not taking these steps within three weeks of D day. You've already tried to kill yourself. You cant afford not to.

Can you get yourself a cheap burner phone for now? A SIM card with pay as you go to insert into your phone should not cost more than an average grocery item and only people with the number can reach you. You can replace the old aim very briefly if you need to make a call you can't afford to pay for.

Another option if you can't afford a locksmith is installing deadbolts.

If you are being financially controlled to the extent you can't fit out your own home or buy a phone you might call a domestic violence hotline for your area. They have lots of experience helping completely penniless women change their contact details. Financial control is recognised by them as abuse.

If you're studying I would also reach out to the support on campus. They are often excellent.