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Chloe, you tell him he must send her the letter we posted and agree to never see her again. He has to agree NOW or he moves out NOW! Don't give him time. He needs no time. He has to also give you full access to all his passwords, he needs to delete facebook and change his phone #. If he won't agree to all of these things, he needs to MOVE OUT!

Your friends can call him, but you are the only person who can hold him accountable. You cannot back down.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Chloe1
I was asked if he finished this? He said no yet, because this woman is not home tonight. Tomorow he want to meet and say face to face.
And before that he wanna know what i love about him. This is a very hard question to answer right this moment. He has hurted me so much.
He does not accept my conditions. Is this normal? I asked if he regrets what he was doing to me. He said so and so.

Is our relationship can continue this way?


No, you need to pack his bags and move him out. He is playing games with you. He wants you and the OW to fight for him. DON'T DO THAT. He should be fighting for you.

PACK HIS BAGS AND MOVE HIM OUT!

He knows you are not serious so he is not taking you seriously. Show him you are serious!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Can't find the thread, but I remember a man who hugged and kissed the mistress and told her this was not what he wanted, but he had to while "ending contact".

No contact starts now! Not after hugs, kisses and sweet nothings. No contact and do not negotiate! Zero. None. No facetime, no text, nothing.

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Let him know you are serious and help him start packing now.
He is only thinking of himself.
Your heart breaks every time he thinks about this woman. And now, he still wants to meet her.

Just tell him: "You can see her as long as you like, but you cannot have our family and see her one more time."
Make sure to be pleasant to him, but firm.
He can write a letter or call, while you are there.

And have you exposed the affair yet to all people who have influence on him?


me, DH
all the children
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Agree with happy heart, except for the calling suggestion. It should end with a letter, not a call.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Well he wanted to end this by meeting and he finnaly met her. And then when he was coming back he said he could not end it. because the woman wanted to talk him over. He takes one more day. i didnt know what do to. He went out and wanted him to left alone. In the morning he regrette that and said he will stay with us and finish it by sending a letter. I saw this letter. I was telling if you contact this woman only once then it will be all over between of us. And thats the way it is. no excuses at all.

But im so suspiscious. Very hard to trust. How we should continue?
I dont want to have sex before the other woman is disappeared of his mind


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What was in the letter?

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.
here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

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The letter was that i decided to stay with my family and this door is closed for us forever. hopefully you'll find a new companion soon.
You are a good person and mother for your childrens. And thats it.


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Chloe, have you read Dr. Harley's description of how an affair should end?

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/coping-with-infidelity-the-end-part-2.htm


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Hello!

Well it has been 6 months after this affair.
He ending this affair 3 times. Last time i spy on him and get a record to phone calls where he wanted this lover back but the lover ended this because she have found a new guy. I talked about this record and but he was not telling me the truth. Until i sayed the words i heard in this call record. And then when he was at work i tooked my childrens and drived in to my uncle place in other city. I didnt tell him anything.
Then he called me and wanted to know when we are comeing back home? That he dont know what he was looking for this woman when he last called her. And when we are comeing home, he miss us. Then i ended the call and text him that he have to leave, i need time. He leaved and started to text me that he really hope that some day i can forgive him, that he has hated all the time peoples how is sheating and now his one of them. That he dont know how to fix this. But cant leave without us.
So the next message was that can he talk the childrens last time. I allowed to talk the childrens and talked to him what is wrong with him. You can allways talk to childrens if he want. Then he didnt answered any my phone calls and his text message and last goodbye was like his going to kill himself. he text that at home is a letter and all the answers.
Then i contacted to police his parents and we all thought his doing something himself. Luckily i knew where he was and i drived there alone and i found him. He was crying and was really broken. He told that he could not leave without us and he loves me. That he want me to trust him like i just to trust. And if he really wanted to go, then he had allready leaved. he told me that he didnt planned to kill himself. Later i realized that this was manipulation. Then i said okey come back home whit us but in my rules. That we are going to therapist. We visited therapist once. and i get my answers why he was going to affair.

The reasons was that he didnt bealived to our relationship anymore.

This last time was 30 June and we are together since 1 July and everything has been great. He tell me allmost every day that he loves me a lot and we have been traveling 2 times and spend lots of time together. I have asked him that what he feels when he is thinking about the past. he told me that nothing. He have make the decision to stay with me and he is really lucky that he haves me.

But there is allso questions in my head and i dont now the answers to them. And i am afraid to ask him because it will be remind him the affair and he might think that i cant get over this affair never. i dont know what i should do? why this is hurting me so much? There are periods when i dont think about this anymore, but there are allso days that i m thinking why he was doing this to me. How could someone do something like this to a woman he loves so much? I could never do something like this to people that i love. How you can sleep at home with your husband and lie to her 8 months?

He had never told me that he regrets that and he is really sorry and dont know how he could do something like this to me. That he is really sorry about that.
Theres a question in my head why you where staying with me not her? i know that he loves me but i want to hear that he loves me so much and dont feel any feeling of this woman anymore. That this was just a falling in love but not a real love, like he feels to me.
where they meet?
And we are leaving 15 min away from this lover. And he drives there every day with a car when he is going to town. When she will meet her in the shop or anywhere else what will happens then?

Should i just talk about this thing and thats it? I allso dont want he would feels himself so quilty about that again and i know it will be ruin us relationship but if he really loves me then will get over this. In my heart i know allready that he loves me more than this lover but its like i wanna hear these words in his mouths.

I could never believed that this is could be so hard to me to get over this.




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Originally Posted by Chloe1
And we are leaving 15 min away from this lover. And he drives there every day with a car when he is going to town. When she will meet her in the shop or anywhere else what will happens then?

Should i just talk about this thing and thats it? I allso dont want he would feels himself so quilty about that again and i know it will be ruin us relationship but if he really loves me then will get over this. In my heart i know allready that he loves me more than this lover but its like i wanna hear these words in his mouths.

I could never believed that this is could be so hard to me to get over this.

Hi Chloe, thanks for the update. The main issue is that nothing has been done to recover your marriage. Most marriages don't recover from infidelity; they just limp along in a crippled state. You don't have to be like that. Your marriage is not going to recover all on your own. Please read the Requirements for Recovery and get the book Surviving an Affair.

Originally Posted by Dr Harley's letter to another betrayed wife
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
<snip>

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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And this is the checklist from the book Surviving an Affair. The most glaring issues in your marriage is that you live close to the OW.
Quote
And we are leaving 15 min away from this lover. And he drives there every day with a car when he is going to town. When she will meet her in the shop or anywhere else what will happens then?

He will be perpetually triggered living so close to her. And so will you.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Well there is nothing i cant do about living so close, because i live in a small country.
The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again. (THIS IS DONE)

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse. NOT SEND

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP: (DONE)

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse). DONE but not monitired.)

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers). NOT DONE

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent). DONE

_____Spend leisure time together. WE ARE DOING THIS A LOT

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary. CANT CHANCE BECAUSE HE IS COMPANY OWNER

_____Avoid overnight separation. WE HAVENT BEEN SEPARETED

_____Allow technical accountability. I HAVE

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends. THEY KNOW


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WHERE I WILL GET THIS BOOK?


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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Well i was buying this book and it made me so angry. Because it digging all the things out again.
But somehow i could talk to him all the things. And he was telling me everything. He had lied to me about how they met. They met in the internet forum. He told me that he was searching someone he could just talk to. because with me it was impossible. And some day they meet and she was listening him and was very calm. And then he was keep on talking to her every day and was meeting 1 time of week. He was going to her apartment just for eat and talk 1-2 hours. Now he understand that he was just in love with her but this is not love.That love isnt something that will come so quickly. He has allways loved me and the reason that he stayed was that he knew that i can be this old woman that he very much loved. And offcourse we have 2 childrens that was allso the main reason. i allso asked that if he have any feeling for her now? he answered that he dont have any feelings anymore.
And then he talked to me that the lover wrote him a letter in november. i asked where? he said that in the post package. He was thinking that he ordered something somewhere and going to pick it up. I asked what was written in the letter? she was writing that she is loveing him very much and waiting him where they first met and want to have peace. I asked did he met? He told me that he burned this letter and didnt go anywhere.


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MelodyLane can you move my post in surviving an affair?

Well why i still keep on thinking the affair every day? how can i forgive this completely? what is stopping me?
I love my man so much but part of me hate him because what he have done to me.
I feel like i wanna talk about this affair once again because there was so many hidden and lied things to me. But i cant talk to him about the affair all the time because i am reminding him this again.And what i will do about his answers, it doesent chance anything. He seems to moved on about everything, why i cant do that.
Some day i feel like i want to call the lover and tell that live my family alone because of this final letter that he send to my man.
He doesnt know how i m still suffering the affair. Should i talk to him about that?

I see all the call registers, bank bills, email accounts, fb messenger.

Its like trigging me depression.




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