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Reasonswhy #3008394 06/04/19 11:56 AM
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If you follow Dr. Harley's advice, it will result in a minimum amount of pain and the best odds for a healthy, happy future for you and your children. If your bf wants to be part of this future, he can, but not at all costs.

mrEureka #3008395 06/04/19 04:35 PM
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Hi There All

Thank you for your posts smile

The thing is with what Dr Harley has said about the separation is something that has been on my mind for awhile, but to hear it out loud from anyone especially an expert in this situation is quite hard hitting.

My boyfriend has been making 'efforts' to bring me out of withdrawal. I actually think he hasn't a clue what is going on with me. Usually it is me trying to patch things up or getting hysterical and anxious about the situation. He keeps putting his arms around me (not reciprocated by me), sending me emails through the day and calling me. Doing everything I want apart from talking to me and doing what I really want to hear which is 'How can we sit down and sort this out - Lets talk it through'.

Dr Harley has offered to talk with me more, and has invited me onto the radio situation this week so I am doing that.

I am so very sad that it is turned out like this. All I want to do is for us to be a family, I know he wants the same deep down.

Reasonswhy #3008401 06/06/19 06:33 AM
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Reasons; we are glad that you are taking this seriously and that Dr Harley has encouraged you to come back a second time. BF's efforts are clearly geared to doing just enough to protect his first love (alcohol). Until he has addressed his addiction, nothing will change. It is just talk.

You may still be able to turn your horrible situation into a romantic marriage but that will not happen until BF knows you are serious.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Reasonswhy #3008417 06/10/19 06:13 AM
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Hi there

Really starting to feel at rock bottom.

We spent the weekend pretty much separately. My choice not his. He wanted to do stuff together. I am pretty much in withdrawal, he keeps trying to draw me out of it. At one point at the weekend, he said 'you have a terrible life don't you'? Really sarcastically. I didn't respond. Making me feel that I am bringing this all on myself, and making an issues where there isn't one.

Our youngest son 7 years old is going through a 'pushing boundaries' phase which is really hard to deal with too.

Dr Harley discussed my situation further on the radio show on June 6. Really how we are both renters, I would say I WAS a buyer and in the last 12 months moved to a renter. Also confused about that, a group of his friends all went to Prague for the weekend and he didnt go because he didnt feel it was fair on me. So now feeling guilty complaining about him.

Dr Harley said it is very difficult to resolve situations like ours whilst we are living together unmarried. He also mentioned his angry outbursts and alchohol issues and confirmed that he thought he was an alchoholic.

Dr Harley also said that we need to be in a situation of meeting each others needs. Him getting SF and me getting the attention I need to feel like SF.

I broke down in tears in front of the children this morning for the first time I ever. They were both playing up a little bit and I felt unable to cope. Now feeling guilty about that and angry at him.

We are suppose to be going away this weekend for a family break which is booked and paid for. I am not sure what to do about that whether just to let him go on his own with the kids or go with them all? That will be horrible not seeing the children all weekend.

How do I go about the separation do I give him a letter? Or do I just tell him face to face. What do I say?

Thank you all, not having a great time at the moment.

Reasonswhy #3008418 06/10/19 09:23 AM
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Of course you are not having a great time. You are in mourning for what might have been. But from here there is only upside. Either you will separate and work on sorting out the relationship from the ground up or he will decide alcohol is more important than his family. Addicts do not address their issues until they hit bottom. Right now you are enabling him which is why separation is so important.

Your children are acting up because they feel the tension. That will be better too once the air clears

I would let him go away without you and spend the weekend making your separation plans. If Dr Harley did not suggest you write him a letter, hold off doing that for now. Think about the practical aspects of where you will live and how you will pay for everything.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Reasonswhy #3008424 06/10/19 05:10 PM
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Dear Reasons,

have you thought about writing him an e-mail or speaking with him in a quiet moment?
There seems to be some goodwill on both sides and you could describe what your envisioned relationship looks like.
You could tell him about the marriage builders programm.and the possibility to have a great relationship.
And as Dr. Harley says, keep in mind the possibility of separation (do not draw it out), when he is not willing to change.


Last edited by happyheart; 06/10/19 05:20 PM.

me, DH
all the children
happyheart #3008425 06/11/19 05:21 AM
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Originally Posted by happyheart
Dear Reasons,

And as Dr. Harley says, keep in mind the possibility of separation (do not draw it out), when he is not willing to change.



happy heart; just to clarify Dr Harley recommended a separation and for them to date so that she could fall in love with him again. Then they could marry and become buyers. Right now he is draining away her love one drop at a time so this is urgent.

But first he has to address his alcoholism and the angry outbursts. I presume these two are related but you are the doctor. Are they?


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Reasonswhy #3008426 06/11/19 10:08 AM
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I won't lie i am feeling terrible. One the edge of tears all day. Just got on the wrong train and missed my flight home. Fighting back the tears.

I am in place at the moment where I feel like he has basically told me how he feels about me some weeks ago (not in love with me enough to marry me) and never wanting to spend time with me, yet he wants to continue everything as normal. He even sent me an email today about booking up a Christmas ski trip. Yet every night as soon as the kids go to bed he disappears off makes no effort at all to talk to me about the relationship or anything. Just goes off doing exercise, reading his book or doing the garden. I hate being in the house when this is going on.

Last night he didn't get in until after I went to bed. He doesn't bother telling me where he is and I don't bother asking. He always use to by the way, even to the point if his phone went dead sending the details of a friend he was with. Up until we had a fight 3 weeks ago. It is like he is saying I am what i am, like it or lump it and he knows I am weak, because I am frown

Really tempted right now just to go and stay at mums or a friends for a few nights. I am not feeling that I can cope with looking after the kids because all I am feeling so emotional and it would be almost like saying I feel so bad I just cant look after the kids you can get on with it all. I have never done that before by the way.

I am basically feeling that I am some hormonal deranged person that I am making this situation all up in my head and everything is actually fine. He seems to be ok with it all.

Thanks for posting again Living Well and Happy heart

Reasonswhy #3008429 06/11/19 02:51 PM
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Yes of course you are feeling terrible. The realisation of how awful things have become has hit you like a train. At the same time your brain is madly rewriting the history of your relationship in the light of what you now know. Be kind to yourself during this process, it does end. Doing this does not make you weak! If you were weak you would not be here.

He is throwing you dog biscuits with holidays and cars but in a buyer relationship that would never happen. All decisions, how to spend money and time, jobs, houses and hobbies are made jointly. My husband would never so much as buy a shirt without talking to me about it first and he is the breadwinner.

BF does not want to lose his family and that is your most powerful weapon. The fight was a symptom not a cause. He has always done whatever he wanted but what is different is that now you have had enough.

If you can safely leave the kids with him, why not go and stay at Mum's? Each day that you stay in your current situation makes things a little harder to put right. Eventually you will hate him so much that you cannot bear the sight of him, let alone have a romantic marriage with him.

Sounds as if he is avoiding you because he knows what is coming. Disappearing for the evening was supposed to threaten you. Be strong.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Reasonswhy #3008467 06/18/19 04:24 AM
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Hi there MB Folks

So to bring you up to date. I ended up going on the weekend away with the family. I made it clear that we were going to sleep in separate bedrooms when we got there. Boyfriend has now disappeared off to the spare room for a month now and I am not going to let him back into my bed just like that.

The weekend was ok, he keeps trying to draw me back in with physical affection such as stroking or unannounced cuddle. We were all getting on quite well and having fun as a family. Then we were in the new car and I got out to open a gate and then a gust of wind blew and knocked the car door and caused a dent on it. He got really frustrated about that (before he would have flown into a rage so he is trying to calm down his temper) he said that we was going to sell the new car as it was jinxed and that he was frustrated as I didnt show him I was bothered about the car. So then we both went back into withdrawal.

Last night he sent me a message about 730 saying he was going to the gym straight from work. I guess I just had enough and sent him a message saying;

Me: OK I was going to have a chat with you tonight...Finding this whole situation really stressful. Unfair and unhealthy on all of us. Is there any chance you can go and stay somewhere for a few days? I am finding it difficult bringing the kids up in this situation and think we would all benefit from a bit of space?

Him: Hilarious. No. Im trying to find somewhere, until I do no. We act normal for the kids, they are all that matter here. You finding it stressful, Im finding it devastating.

Me. I think the kids have been acting up because they feel the tension. Thats why I think its better for the children if one of us moves out. I am sure you find it devastating but you just seem to bury your head in the sand and hideaway. I have tried to talk to you about things but you just seem to get angry and shout at me or shut me off. I have also tried organising nights out/weekends away for us. You have been sleeping in the spare room for a year and disappeared off every evening, it is difficult to believe you care at all. Just the angry outbursts and temper is difficult to live with. Also the lying about the drugs and then getting blind drunk for 3/4 days. I am sure you have a whole list about me, which i have been willing to hear and change but you dont talk about anything. Also you have never made any formal commitment to me. I have tried to live with that but it has made me feel that I am not that important to you at all. I do love you and desperately want to work for us all.

Him. Not reading any texts or emails from you. You can save that for online chats or similar.

???

Reasonswhy #3008471 06/18/19 09:25 AM
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Reasons; you need to grasp this nettle. No more discussing it. He is not going to take you seriously till you take action. Asking him to sleep in another room and/or exchanging text messages is just moving deck chairs on the Titanic.

Ask him to move out. Give him a date by which you want him gone; something like 'I want you out by the end of June'. Tell him that this is the best hope for your relationship and that you both owe it to your children to attempt to repair things. It sounds as if he is willing to leave, now is the moment to push this. Don't give him an 'or else' but make your own plan. If the house is his, you might have to move out if he does not. If the house is yours, you might have to evict. Be thinking about all this but do not discuss it.

Once he is gone, we will help you make a plan. Drugs as well as alcohol? This is not good.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Reasonswhy #3008474 06/18/19 10:26 AM
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I am finding this really hard living well. I feel like I am saying goodbye to my children too here. All sorts of horrible thoughts are running through my head - like us having separate holidays and me not seeing my children for a week or being with another woman. I have considered just putting up with it all just so I can be with my children.

I am feeling better thought even telling him to move out for a few days. I need to push him for a date and I will do this, even though I feel sick to the stomach to the very core. We own the house 50/50 and he has offered to move out. I am still hoping that he wont actually go and still not facing the reality of it.

I haven't even told any friends or family what is going on and so embarassed about it all. I know people are going to look at me with pity and even my friends and I have discussed how awful it would be to split cause of the children. I am even thinking i wont need to tell anyone as we will sort it out by then.

I found out he went to my parents house yesterday for an hour with gifts ect... How strange. Now worried that he has snooped and found out that I am posting here from his last message.

Thanks again.

Reasonswhy #3008475 06/18/19 10:43 AM
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Yes this is scary. But a lot less scary than the thought of your children growing up thinking that his behaviour is normal and taking that into their own lives.

Push him for a departure date. He does have to go. It will take him at least a year to clean up his addictions. Then you will need to date one another to fall back in love. Then you will need to marry. All that has to happen before he moves back in.

Please tell your friends, family and children. You have no idea how much support you will get for this. They have been quietly watching this going on years and praying for this moment to come.

Yes he may have found your post. I always caution people not to copy and paste anything onto the internet that is private because the recipient can copy and paste the message into Google and immediately find it. Maybe ask the mods to remove that posting although I honestly think you have nothing to hide.

Best of luck to you.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Reasonswhy #3008517 06/22/19 05:09 PM
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I woke this morning I have just had enough of this whole situation and want him to go. Boyfriend went off to the gym, and came home with a coffee for me. I asked him if he has managed to find anywhere and he said not yet, I have been looking. He said he was looking for the right place somewhere the children could go and stay. I said how long do you need he said 2-3 weeks. He wants to get some things drawn up before he goes - wants us to see a solicitor so we can get an agreement drawn up around the children and our finances. I then came upto the bedroom as i literally was starting to well up. He then came up and said this needs to happen but we need to show a united front for the children. I had enough of him trying to play happy families with the children and left to go to a friends for the night as just dont want to be around him. He tried to give me a kiss on the way out the door but I pushed him away - he asked me to let him know where i was going i said I don't have to do that. He said I was being a petuchulent child.

Reasonswhy #3008518 06/23/19 08:25 AM
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An agreement is an excellent idea. Explain that you think you will be able to do this with a clearer head once he has moved out. You do not want discussion about the agreement to get stretched out for so long that you agree to anything just to get him to leave.

Don't listen to his manipulating talk. Just in your head go 'bla bla bla' when he starts the happy families nonsense. If he wanted a happy family he would have married you and then stayed off the drink and drugs.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Reasonswhy #3008530 06/24/19 07:19 AM
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thats good advice thank you living well - appreciate all your posts and support. I always feel ok until I get to the point where I blame myself. He made an awful lot of effort early on - when I rejected him a lot as the children were so young - i guess thats where a lot of the guilt from. I feel he checked out some time ago.

Cant imagine a successful outcome for this, he is 53 he is never going to change. He is a very strong character and set in his ways.

Reasonswhy #3008548 06/24/19 06:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
I always feel ok until I get to the point where I blame myself. He made an awful lot of effort early on - when I rejected him a lot as the children were so young - i guess thats where a lot of the guilt from. I feel he checked out some time ago.


Nothing you can do about the past. You can only change now.


Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
Cant imagine a successful outcome for this, he is 53 he is never going to change. He is a very strong character and set in his ways.


That is a disrespectful judgement. You have no idea what he can or cannot change.

I would be more concerned about the fact that your love for him is draining away really fast. Soon you will be at the point of no return. This separation is urgent if you want any chance saving the relationship.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Reasonswhy #3008549 06/24/19 06:29 PM
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Are you putting together a plan to separate? What is your plan?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Reasonswhy #3008559 06/25/19 05:58 AM
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Hi BrainHurts

Yes separating - he is finding somewhere else to live over the next 2 weeks. I am staying in the house with the children. I asked him to move out and he pretty much said yes, no resistance at all, so what does that tell me!

Reasonswhy #3008563 06/25/19 10:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Reasonswhy
Hi BrainHurts

Yes separating - he is finding somewhere else to live over the next 2 weeks. I am staying in the house with the children. I asked him to move out and he pretty much said yes, no resistance at all, so what does that tell me!


It tells you there is hope


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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