For kids, the AP was their uncle for a long time. Kids hate him now. Kids are living in a fearful envt. I just called her in the office to tell let's move to Atlanta. She says I have already moved on. So I am not going anywhere. She informed me that I am in touch with him and I need to plan my future. I am not sure if she is playing with me or she really means it. I said that lots of things have gone under the water, lates wake up and move in the right direction. Kids future are key for us. She is openly admitting that I am in touch with the AP. Is this normal behavior of WS? Hard to live like this with so much anxiety.

Her talk such as I have already moved on, etc - are those real or she is also trying to scare me? How much credence should I give to it?

You should give it as much credence as you would the proclamations of a falling down drunk. Don't pay any attention whatsoever to her rantings. Her desires will change from day to day. Pay attention to YOUR PLAN. The adulterers have no plan, YOU DO. You have the advantage.

One of the best things you could do for your marriage is move away. That way when her affair crumbles [and it will!] she will have to move to follow you. You would, of course, have to consult an attorney about getting custody of your kids. How old are your kids?

ALSO, the degree of fury expressed by a wayward over exposure is in direct correlation to the amount of DAMAGE you caused to the affair by your exposure. The more ANGRY, the harder you hit your target. You caused enormous damage to the affair with your exposure. That is a good thing!

I would make it very clear to your kids that a) she is leaving for her affair and b) they do not have to be around the OM.

So heartening to hear this. Unfortunately, she has been ranting this for a while now.


My kids are vehemently opposing move from here as it will ruin their friends, etc. I have a task to do to convince them. I have two daughters turning 13 and 10 next month.

this is 13th week of exposure. The first couple of 10 weeks was terrible in terms of her fury. For the past two weeks, she has mellowed down a bit. Not sure mellowing down is good or not good. She and her family are really upset that I told so many friends.

Yes, I have kept my kids aware (two girls - 13 and 10) that mom may leave and they don't want to see the OM face.

If OM is a player (sounds as if he is) then your exposure is ruining his fun. I'm sure he never planned to make this permanent.

I need advise - many of our friends (especially girlfriends) have distanced from my unfaithful wife. All of them were very shocked and upset with her public behavior and disrespect towards me. All of them were trying to save the kids/family. They are now upset that my WS (wife) is still lying to them and manipulating the discussions they had on this topic.

I am positive, my wife is feeling isolated. Should I request them to talk to her? Most of them are tired of advising her to stay and rebuild the marriage. Please advise! Thank you!

The fact that SHE was very upset is a good thing. The reason she is STILL upset is due to the FOG. The crackhead will always be upset as long as he still high on crack. Your wife is still high on crack. Even so, the most angry cheaters eventually simmer down somewhat. When their affair ends, they are not angry any more.

Her family is upset because they do not understand the benefit of exposure. It is your job to SELL them on exposure. Exposure is the best thing you can do.

It sounds like she has good friends. Good people don't want to hang around people who are being bad. Most cheaters lose most of their real friends until they stop cheating. Just leave it alone.

I have been observing that my unfaithful wife is doing discriminatory treatment towards my two daughters. She is relatively nicer to the elder compared to the younger. It was opposite pre-exposure. My younger one also feels the same way. Last night, my younger one was acting out as she was not allowed to go for a sleepover.

I had to play a bit of an emotional game to calm her down. During this, my younger daughter mentioned that papa if you had not told so many people, Mamma would not have so upset, angry with you. And she would have stayed back. I probed to know who told her this. She admitted that Mamma told her this. So my wife is playing a bit of game here. Exposing to seven family friends, her parents and her brother has become the focal point of my in-laws and her discussion.

We saw two counselors and both endorsed my unfaithful wife's point of view that it should have been disclosed to so many people and kids. They keep pointing to the counselor's point. I tried to give them a printout of Exposure 101 but they refused to take. I spoke to another counselor over the phone, and she also advised that revenge exposure mostly deteriorates the chances of reconciliation. I did not share this with them. Just wanted to update and see if any thoughts on this.

The counselors views are not true, we have thousands of recovered marriages on this forum who attribute that to exposure. Exposure is simply the most effective tool in saving marriages from infidelity. I seriously doubt either of these counselors has much experience, if any, with infidelity. Dr Harley, on the other hand is a licensed clinical psychologist with 50 years experience at saving marriages from infidelity. He is the author of best selling books on marriage. Your "counselors" have no idea what they are talking about. This is one of the reasons why most marriage counselors are so destructive to marriages, they have an 85% failure rate.

Secondly, the purpose of exposure is not "revenge." It is to shine sunlight on mold. Any "counselor" who is experienced with saving marriages from infidelity would know this. Like Dr Harley said in his article:


Instead of opinion shopping, which it sounds like you are doing, why not read through Dr Harley's material and OWN your actions? You are second guessing yourself which is leaving you wide open to attacks from a self serving wayward mind. Of course your wayward wife does not like exposure! Her affair thrived on secrecy!

Also the notion that your wife is leaving because of exposure is ridiculous. She is manipulating you by saying this; she will do anything to blame you for all of her bad behavior. If she wanted to stay, wild horses would not stop her. She is leaving for one reason and one reason only: to carry on her affair.

Thank you for reconfirming. I have left both the counselors as I realized both were more keen on their business. I regret taking my wife to them. She still quotes them to justify her affair. Thx

This is exactly WHY we strongly recommend against going to "counseling." We have many, many examples on this forum of destructive advice given to couples by well meaning, but woefully inexperienced "counselors." They do not understand the fog created by the affair and as such, tend to give very bad advice. As you have discovered, your WW is using that bad advice to punish you.

Gname

You have to do a comprehensive exposure as Melodylane has advised. From reading the thread it looks like you have been hesitant or not done it. Here is a chacklist. Just listing. Hear from veterans first. Let the veterans comment on my this post first to make sure you do the right thing. Your situation has moved me and I felt compelled to write this post. I am not a veteran. I have read this forum for nearly 4 years and I have a situation also.

Expose to:
1. all OM’s friends. you said you exposed to a couple of his friends. That is not enough. Find them on internet, all social media networks even if he kicked you out on WhatsApp. You may even find some on LinkedIn and send message through FB …you may even find his high schools friends. Type his name in Google and find his relatives but I think you know all of all of them since you said he was a close friend.
You mentioned he is your friend from college days. Don’t you know his friends, classmates/professors, etc. whether they were common friends or not?
2. the clients, partners, any employees of the business your WW and OM own. People have to know that this business is owned by people who have trashed their marriages and have borrowed money from your marriage to start it.
3. all your common friends with OM. You mentioned only a few of them know and 6 families. You have known this guy forever. Don’t you know all his circles?
4. OM’s son and daughter. you mentioned you are positive his mother told them. You have be 100% percent sure and it is even great if they hear from you. Never assume anything in affairs.
5. Does OM have any grand parents?
6. All his community. You said a few know in his community. Tell everyone. OM will feel the pressure if his community knows.
7. Many of his neighbors you mentioned they are acquaintances of yours.
8. You said “I suspect my in-laws will talk to him. I suspect my wife will let them talk to him.”. No do not suspect. Tell your-laws to it. Any of his aunts or uncle aka older relatives.
9. OM’ relatives. you said you exposed to his mother, brother, sister and his wife. Not enough. Is his dad still around? Are these the only relatives he has?
10. In your neighborhood you told 1 family. You left 8 families. Everyday these people will have wrong reasons why your marriage ended if they do not know. They will think it was you in the wrong.
11. Inform the office through exposure letter in guidelines. Inform the office will definitely have a HUGE impact on the affair. This is too good to be missed. Do you know hoe to find the letter? Also when sending the letter put their bosses, HR, seniors on the letter because if you send it one person the case will be buried.
12. expose telling people including what OM’s wife told you.
13. His IT consulting where they worked together, the employees and their colleagues there.
14. Larger company they joined in 2016. HR, bosses and other employees. See people have to see the picture here …that they came together from one company and continued in the big company together while they. whether feelings had developed affair had started or not. The history is clear though.

You said you do not want the world to know. It is not the whole world but those specified in the guidelines of exposure, family, friends. work place, etc.).. it is the whole world of your family and friends and workplace. I have received advice from Dr Harley to expose otherwise friends will isolate you you thinking and having been told you are the one who did the wrong thing in marriage. If you do not do full exposure it will haunt you in the future in may ways.

On 50% custody she wants…you said the law in New Jersey seems hopeless(never assume in affairs, court and divorce. always get it right, fight for) …even though some states say affairs do not matter it actually matters. My lawyer told me so. The judges notes it and it weighs big time in getting custody. It is super powerful in court and even more so when she gets cross examined on the affair if you ever go to trial. My judge has noted it. I still do not know if I will get custody but you do everything to win. My lawyer has an office in New Jersey too.

Some more advice:
Start recording any conversation you have with your WW or OM.
start putting everything that is happening in a dairy - hand written. do not lose it. make copies. You will need all this in court.
Some people have confronted OM in person and have gone with someone to confront. Every action adds up.
Read every word that Melodylane and the veterans say to you.
Last but not least you said " I tried to give them a printout of Exposure 101 but they refused to take." Gname you have to step up and do everything. You have to have a mentality of getting things done. Put it their post box, below the door, let someone give them without saying it cam from you, or something. In your situation you will soon find out that you have to get this spirit. There are many things waiting for you around thousands of corners to come. Lots of things about kids are waiting, finances, houses, lawyers, court, work, stress, kids's stress, dealing with relatives and friends, lies, manipulation, ..I have already experienced some of these things... ...probably seeing your kids hanging out with AP if you do not kill the affair, AP coming to your kids' weddings, graduations, holding your grand children, AP having new kids with AP stepsister and step brother for your kids, funerals You will blame yourself for not taking advice. My WW's family has experienced OW's presence at a funeral of WH. Not pretty. This is just the beginning.

Listen to what MB and vets tell you to do.

Keep strong.

..additionally…

Indian Context - I know it.
There is one detail you mentioned which I think stands out and is very important and powerful… you said you and her are Indians. Your chances of killing her affair are very good because if you expose to her families, friends, family friends, school friends and college friends , uncles and aunties in India, villagers or people from the neighborhood she is from - wow! - this will be huge. Extend your expose to those that are called uncles and aunties in India when they are not related by blood. You know what I mean. They have a say in families and can influence her.

Same thing if you expose to OM’s side if he is from India. I say village or city neighborhood because there in India the nature and context of neighborhoods are different from West. The culture in India is tough. It is not forgiving. The reaction will put your WW into tantrums for a long time and it will ultimately kill the affair. She probably will never have am affair again. She will probably not visit India alone or with OM which also might give you a chance to save the marriage as she may want to go/visit with you and kids. You know what will happen(reaction) the day she steps in India and days she will stay there. Everywhere she will walk or go all eyes will be on her. The eyes will be on her family members too. All this is very good for you. You know how it is in India. You get the point.

If her brother’s friends get to know of the affair also it will not be pretty for her from the brother. Anything that can kill the affair Sir.

I am not a veteran. I will let veterans take over and refine tactics you have to perform.

Read Exposing to Children and listen to the radio clips in here.