Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Mar 2021
Posts: 4
M
Mduck Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Mar 2021
Posts: 4
I just can’t seem to understand my husband. Premise: We do have sex about once a week. Sometimes it’s longer depending on what’s going on. We’ve got a few issues:

1. He ‘says’ he would like sex more often, BUT he doesn’t pursue it so how am I supposed to know when????
2. He says that I don’t seem to want sex very much.

Herein lies the problem(s). He doesn’t show affection in between sex. Right before sex, of course, but directly after, no. At any other time, no. It’s like we’re just roommates until he needs sex, and then he rolls out ‘his’ version of charm. I’ve gotten to the place where I resent the ‘charm’ because I know it ONLY happens right before sex. I already know his game. If the kids are staying at grandmas, we’ll go out to eat, after eating he’ll open my car door for me, then he’ll put his hand on my knee 🙄. After sex, where is the hand on the knee, why doesn’t he open the door for me or hold my hand? It’s just an act. If it weren’t he would do those things outside of ‘on my way home for sex.’ I’ve told him over and over again that I need affection. You can’t treat me like a person that you just happen to live with all the time, and then like a wife just before sex.
If however we don’t end up going out, he typically just creates a sexual atmosphere without affection: grabs me, or enters the room with just a robe on and just wait for me to pick up on his ‘signal’ and act on it.
Again, he tells me about once a year that he’d like sex more often, but he doesn’t pursue it. It’s like he wants to lay around and have me chasing him for sex, but at the same time he doesn’t want to show daily affection. By daily affection I mean simple stuff like hold my hand, put an arm around me, sit next to me, touch my hair or face, or even talk to me about us. I don’t mean he needs to do ALL these things everyday. I just mean here and there. Do at least something. He initiates NONE of these things. Never. Oops, my bad, unless it’s RIGHT BEFORE sex. And honestly of the things that I listed, some of those things he still doesn’t do. He defintately doesn’t do these things in public. I’m like the plague in public.

I’ve told him if a man doesnt show affection, a wife doesn’t feel attractive or loved. If a wife doesn’t feel attractive or loved, she doesn’t want sex. It’s soooooo simple yet it never sinks in.

I know you can tell I’m venting here and I admit that I am. Because I do have a good husband who is faithful to me and who loves our children. He works and provides for us financially as I homeschool our kids.

Why can’t we get on the same page?


M Ross
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,459
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,459
Likes: 9
Welcome to MB.

Regular readers here know why you feel as you do, and we know that if your husband wants you to feel enthusiastic about sex, he needs to change his behaviour. The problem is with getting him to see that, and committing to permanently courting and being romantic towards you. I can see that you have told him numerous times how you feel, but that he carries on the same way, year after year. How can you get him to really listen and act?

Would you be able to get him to read Dr Harley's latest article, which is addressed to husbands and explains the very problem that you describe? That would be a start. If he were willing to read that, there is more material from Dr Harley that addresses the same issue.

How much of Dr Harley's work have you read? What about the book His Needs Her Needs?





BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Mar 2021
Posts: 1
A
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
A
Joined: Mar 2021
Posts: 1
What happens if you initiate affection, like holding his hand while walking somewhere or a hug in the kitchen? Does he respond like he's okay with it? Just wondering if he doesn't really know how to initiate affection outside of sex or if he actually doesn't want it.


1st marriage - 19 years, widowed at age 39
2nd marriage - 2014 to present
Blended family with 5 kids between us
Joined: Mar 2021
Posts: 4
M
Mduck Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Mar 2021
Posts: 4
Hi and thanks for the response. I tried to reply to this earlier but somehow it didn’t go through.
My husband does not read. He tells everyone that. I already know his response if I asked him to read one. He wouldn’t get past the front cover. 😒


M Ross
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 783
Likes: 4
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 783
Likes: 4
Just a thought, most of dr. Harleys books are available as audiobook.

Thanks to technology, we can convert text to speech. If your husband is willing to listen, he doesn't even have to read the article.

Joined: Mar 2021
Posts: 4
M
Mduck Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Mar 2021
Posts: 4
If I initiate affection he will respond. Sometimes it’s just a dry reciprocation. Sometimes his response is to act like he doesn’t like it. Like he’s some 15 year old kid who has to act too cool for it. Sort of like, “Alright fine, if I have to.” It’s like he wants me to, but he also wants to get to act like he doesn’t want it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

He did recently say to me by text (after we had a tiff about intimacy) that he wished we ladies would make a manual for men so he could figure us out. I didn’t think to say that there are probably 100 books written by women that he could read on the very subject. But again, my husband doesn’t read so. I did text him back saying that I had given him the cliff notes version over and over again (verbally). I asked him what my cliff notes version said. He repeated it, that I needed affection. So I know that he knows, but just didnt try.
Anyhow, I wrote out the cliff notes version this time in a semi humorous way by text and weirdly he’s been trying somewhat. I guess I’ll see if it lasts or not.


M Ross
Joined: Mar 2021
Posts: 4
M
Mduck Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Mar 2021
Posts: 4
Oh I didn’t think of that. Audio books. 🤔


M Ross
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 783
Likes: 4
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 783
Likes: 4
Dr. Harley wrote that manual!!

His needs, her needs.

Newest version is "He wins, she wins".

Last edited by goody2shoes; 03/23/21 11:42 AM.
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
Affection, like any habit, takes intention and practice. Some people are in the habit of being affectionate and others are not. But if a woman states she needs affection, and most women do, a husband has an obligation to meet that need in a way that he also finds enjoyable. The Five Steps to Romantic Love has a worksheet that specifies these habits. You can make your own worksheet and give it to him. On this worksheet, you would state exactly the kind of things you would love for him to do, the kind of affection that would meet your emotional need. Then affection creates an environment that makes it much easier for you to want to make love with your husband.

Affection, as you have discovered, is not valuable when it's simply a prelude to making love and neglected until the next time. Then it's just a means to an end, rather than a symbol of his care for you.

So my suggestion would be to for you to list exactly what kind of affectionate acts you would enjoy from your husband. Be very specific as to the act and the number of times per day and the time of the day. For example, cuddle with you every morning before you get out of bed. Kiss you and hug you before he leaves and when he returns home. A call or text to see how you are doing and to let you know when he's returning home. Hold hands while watching television.

It may take a while for him to build the habit, but, like typewriting, it will come more naturally the more he does it.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,148
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,148
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/th...-husband-receive-the-sex-he-needs-in.htm

Describes the problem from the side of the husband. You can convert it to read to him with your smartphone.


me, DH
all the children

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 106 guests, and 66 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
purple17, cbm800, Dodo M, Kingpin, MikaylaVaux
71,729 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,547
Posts2,322,775
Members71,730
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5