Hello.

I am hoping the wise folks on this forum can offer some advice. My wife and I have been married for almost 15 years and have two children we both adore. She has been my best friend for over 20 years, which makes writing this all the more difficult. We currently live overseas and, unfortunately, where we live has endured one of the longest and strictest lockdowns in the world. During the lockdown, I am ashamed to say, I became addicted to pornography.

Not making any excuses, but I think it started because we were no longer able to have real alone time- the kids were locked in the house with us 24/7 for months, households not allowed to mix so no grandparents to give us a night off, etc. I suppose I saw porn as a quick release for sexual needs while we were waiting for lockdown to end and we could get back to our regular sexual life. Anyone familiar with porn addiction will be able to guess the rest. I convinced myself it was harmless, it only escalated over the months, I hid it all from my wife, I lost my libido for anything but porn, despite loving my wife, I felt ashamed but didn’t want to stop, it escalated some more into fantasies of prostitutes and finally I acted out my fantasy by visiting a prostitute, an act that was like a bucket of cold water that jolted me back into reality with a sense of absolute horror at what I had done and what I had become.

For three weeks, I was no longer hiding my pornography from my wife, I was hiding the fact that I was sobbing in the bathroom multiple times a day, overcome with remorse, guilt and shame. I confessed to my wife after three weeks. She was, as you would expect, devastated and shocked, but told me that she wanted to save our marriage.

We have been reading Marriage Builders, and I want to do everything in my power to make my wife feel safe and to re-earn her trust through my own acts of compensation. She has been beyond wonderful, and I am determined to do whatever I can to heal our marriage, and my wife’s trust, and myself. I have had zero interest in porn, and have reignited my spirituality, using prayer and a means of strength and to thank God for helping me to keep my wife and children.

This brings me to my need for advice. My wife and I are dedicated to following the MB program, but are unsure about exposure for economic reasons. We have exposed to my parents and one of her close friends. However, my work is connected to my wife’s family and she herself has told me that exposure to her relatives would mean the end of my career, not just with my current job, but with any job in my field (and I believe she is right). As I am the sole breadwinner for my family, this is not something we want to risk. We have not exposed to the children for that reason, also. They are young enough (under 10) that they would surely say something to my wife’s relatives and that would be the end of my ability to provide for them. On the other hand, I am greatly concerned about my wife and the toll this is taking on her. I want her to have the support she needs, but am torn about our need to put food on the table, as well.

I know Dr. Harley recommends that exposure can be delayed when there are economic considerations, and we both feel those are warranted in our case, but we want to do what gives us the best chance of saving our marriage, as well. Do you have any ideas on how we can manage this situation, so that my wife will have support, and I can still provide for us financially?

Welcome to MB.

To clarify: Have you confessed to your wife about both the pornography habit and your visit to a prostitute?

I know you do not want to give us personal details (and you are wise not to do this), but please help us to understand how your wife telling her parents that you had a pornography habit, and you visited a prostitute, would result in the end of your career.

Is it because her family would resent you so much they would sack you? Is that really what they would do when their daughter went to them for help? How does she know this?

Is it because of the nature of your career? Does your job involved safeguarding vulnerable people, for example? And once again, what would her family do that would put paid to that career? (I have to say that if it does involved safeguarding, you should resign anyway, and I would wholly support her family for turning you in if you didn't.)

Please explain, while keeping things general.

In addition to all of SugarCane’s questions. What are you doing to not look at pornography ever again? Do you have software on all your devices to not allow pornography?

Have you been tested for STI/STD, after being with a prostitute?

Will your BW come here and post to get support?

To add:

When Dr Harley writes about not exposing immediately to an employer, for economic considerations, he also says this exception applies where the unfaithful spouse get out of the job immediately. He does not advocate a failure to expose to the employer while remaining in the job.

Are your wife's family your employers?

Do you intend to immediately change job?

Thank you both for reaching out and offering me advice. I actually reached out to Dr. Harley through the MB radio show and he very kindly responded on the show. His advice was also a huge help to my wife and myself, and gave us a bit more direction. But I also wanted to thank everyone on here, as well. Just as an aside, I did get tested (all was negative), and yes, my wife knows absolutely everything.

Thanks to all of you for your comments, and the knowledge that my wife and I can come here for support.

That is so good that you heard from Dr. Harley.

Will you please share with us what he told you?

The radio show (4th May 2021, around 45 minutes into the show) will be broadcast for about another 2 hours from the time I write this.I took notes on this show.

Dr Harley said that he would make the assumption that the poster was something along the lines of a leader in a religious group, and that upon his confession, they would find him to be an unsuitable leader. He has dealt with pastors who have had affairs, and he has always told them to confess and leave their congregations. In many cases this ends their career, but that is still his recommendation.

Dr Harley reminded us that exposure (after an affair is ended - in other words, not to break up the affair) is done for these reasons:

1. To garner support for the betrayed spouse. In this case this is the wife, and she has already had some support from the people that they have exposed to, but none from her family, and she needs that.

2. Accountability. In this case, the unfaithful husband is already accountable to those people he has exposed to, but still not to people in his wife's family.

Dr Harley is on the side of openness and honesty at all costs. He said that, in this situation, he would confess and tell the board of the religious institution that he would understand if they wanted him to leave. For Dr Harley, the economic considerations would be the least of his worries. However, as economic considerations are a great worry for this couple, he agreed with Joyce that perhaps they could hold off exposure to the board for now, but only while looking for another place to work.

He said that "sexual sins have consequences". Perhaps it will turn out that this poster will not have to leave his post when (not if) he confesses, but they should work to develop a Plan B in the event that he is forced to go. He added that radical honesty helps us to become better people because we know other people will know about the thing we have done (so we avoid doing it again).

I want to emphasise that Dr Harley did not recommend using economic considerations as a way of avoiding exposure to the wife's family/the employer. He was very strong about moral rightness of confessing to a group that has the right to know. If the group is something like a church congregation, or its governing body, they have the moral right to know that the pastor has behaved in a way that is incompatible with his office, and he has a moral duty to tell them.

The delay should be undertaken only because they need a new occupation to be lined up in the event that he is stripped of his post.

I would like to add that it could be that this is not a religious group, but the principles still apply. It is clear from what you (the poster) wrote that your wife's parents would feel compelled to act upon their knowledge, and that means that your private life is relevant in some way to your career. Therefore even if it isn't a religious setting, the moral thing, and the best thing for your marriage, would be for you to confess, and accept the consequences of your actions.