Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 1
J
Jedi1 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 1
Dear community,
Please bear with me with this slightly lengthy post. My heart is crying out of pain and disbelief.

This year I married my now wife after being together for over two years. We both have past baggage but what made me choose her as my wife is her showing commitment to me and supporting me in very tough times. We both showed that we would do anything for each other and that's what made me finally propose.

For a little background to get the whole picture, when she was young she was harshly physically and verbally abused by her father. I was as well by mother but not as intensely as her since my mother was simultaneously very caring. (A very strange mixture but now I made peace with it and I love my mother).

We had many fights before and any time when she doesn't feel heard (in her own terms) she would push me strongly and one time even kicked me on my leg. I told her after that incidence is that if she doesn't get therapy then it's over. She took my words and put the money and effort to get treated . Long story short she stopped the treatment since the therapist wasn't competent. (This was the 5th therapist and even though I resent that fact, I share her sentiments about them)
We had many heated and damaging arguments about cleaning where she just bursts out of anger and totally transform when she feels like I didn't do a good enough job cleaning. We had the issue many times where she constantly criticizes my cleaning "incompetence" or constantly corrects things I did cleaning.

One month ago we had our first baby. I was staying half awake all night long for the first two weeks trying to support her care for it, change diapers and clothes, help her with the breastfeeding by supporting the pillows with my hands as an extra pillow beneath them until she finishes. Nevertheless she was fighting over the fact that I am not supporting her enough. After that fight where I felt I was treated very unfairly I chalked it up and asked her how can I be supportive in her own terms. She suggested that I clean the whole house and she takes care of the baby. I agreed because I would do anything to support her since I see how much struggle she is going through.

I would wake up daily at 6am, clean, wash the laundry, doing groceries, cook food for the whole day so she doesn't lift a finger on cooking so that she focuses on the baby .
I am also working 30 hours a week.
She would never show any empathy or gratitude for anything that I am doing and somehow all the time manages to find fault in the way I clean things. I got enough of it but I didn't want to let my anger and resentment rule over me so I had an open vulnerable conversation with her. I told her that compared to her upbringing I didn't learn how to clean properly, I didn't have good discipline (she had a lot of discipline with her tough father) and I even told her by myself that I am somehow slow, sometimes I really don't understand things quickly or catch them quickly and I am doing my best because all what I care about is to make her happy. I am only human and I am not perfect. She seemed to listen and understand a bit.
One day our baby had was sick and we took him to the hospital where she spent over a week there with him. I promised her that she will find things clean when she is back (the house was pretty messy when we left the first day to the hospital).
And I am very aware I didn't do an extra effort to deep clean the house which might make her feel that she is carrying the whole burden of the household and baby care, I still cleaned it fairly well .
The first night when she came home from the hospital she was going crazy over an amazon box that I didn't open who was taking a lot of space in the room and from there it escalated very quickly. She was raising her voice andbanging the kitchen door . At that time I was holding the baby trying to calm it down and she came very close to my face raising her voice on me aggressively. I told her to back up because I don't feel safe anymore but she pushes me in that moment from the back of the baby.
I got mad and started yelling back.
The argument finished with her mocking me of how spaced out and low energy by imitating the way I speak and behave(ps:most of the time I am low energy , very exhausted but I never let that as an excuse to not be my best for her and the baby)
In that moment I couldn't handle it anymore and I threw a pillow on her face which fell after that on the baby's face (it wasn't a strong hit but I still do regret it because this is not a behavior I would do).
Then she proceeds to slap me for the first time in our relationship. I was in disbelief and I slapped her back. (Another thing that is haunting me because I would never raise my hand on anyone! I was never in an kind of physical fight)
She told me later she CHOSE to slap me because I could hurt the baby and if she had the chance to do it again she would do it.
This was 3 days ago and after reconciliation coming from my side, I took that very seriously and I started to plan every day of the week with rigorous tasks to make her feel supported. I chose to be my best self and realize that I shouldn't feel hurt by her tantrums because anyway she is a new mom and I should be supportive . I offered to take the baby out every other day for around 2 hours so that she can recover or do whatever she wants.
Today I deep cleaned the whole house and in the middle of it she started to criticize the way I was doing the floor. I chalked it up and stayed silent and then she brings the baby to me and is trying to sweet talk to me as if nothing happened but I let her know that she can't expect me to be in the mood after what happened. She started again to raise her voice and make it my fault for taking criticism too personally and that I am supposed to stay open to her corrections because she is a better cleaner than me. I let her know that if she doesn't like the way I do things then she can do it herself. She proceeds by another tantrum and tell me that what to expect, anyway I am TOO SLOOOW. (My own words that I shared about myself).
I got enough and threw a piece of tissue on her face which again fell on the baby's face and in that moment she strangles me which kinda hurt me. In disbelief and extreme resentment over how unfair I felt I was treated I strangled her back. For two seconds and let it go.

Here I am desperately asking for help because I became the kind of person who I would cut all contacts with.
What am I missing? What am I doing wrong?
Help

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,489
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,489
Likes: 9
Welcome to MB.

There are many problems with the basic interaction between the two of you, but the pressing problem right now is that you are physically hurting each other. It doesn't matter who did it first, or whose unreasonableness led to the actions - she has assaulted you, and you have assaulted her.

You need to separate immediately, before serious harm is done. See a lawyer about establishing your rights to see your child on a 50/50 basis, and move out.

If you want to work on the marriage, you need to do it while separated, and not move back together until the problem of violence is eliminated. You probably need a therapist to guide you, and the only one you should consider using is Dr Harley, owner of this site. Please write to him today for expert, specialised help.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,381
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,381
Likes: 3
Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the broadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by the Harley’s to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,148
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,148
I agree with Brainhurts, that separation would be a good idea.
A new baby is alway stressful and the two of you do not seem to cope well. This can escalate very quickly and land you in jail and the baby in foster care, if you don't get your act together.
Do you consume any alcohol?


me, DH
all the children

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 189 guests, and 62 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
BuckeyeGrad, A12345bc, light124, DORA SMITH, Itstiffanyluv2u
71,769 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,562
Posts2,322,996
Members71,769
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5