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Joined: Jul 2021
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Briegrl Offline OP
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This is my first post and I am new here. I am having an issue in my marriage and I don't know what is causing it or how to heal it. I don't know if it's something I have done wrong. But it's something that is tearing down my self confidence and making me feel alone in my marriage.

First, I want to say that my husband is a wonderful person and I love him dearly. We are alike in so many ways. We seldom disagree. I really felt like God sent him into my life. He's very understanding because I have health issues. He has no issue taking over housework if I'm unable to do it. We are just partners and have no issue discussing most issues. I grew up with parents that would argue almost from sun up to sunset. So it was important to me to have someone that wasn't like that. He says he's sorry when he's wrong, or even if he thinks he may be wrong. My father would rather die than say he was sorry. So on so many levels I needed a man like my husband in my life. We live a peaceful life, where I was raised in chaos.

My issue came after the first couple years of marriage. We agreed not to have sex before we were married, and we didn't. But my husband was very affectionate when we dated and our first few years of marriage. He used terms of endearment, he held my hand all the time, kissed me on the forehead. This meant a lot to me and I told him so because I didn't grow up with that in my family. My parents weren't affectionate with each other or us kids. They loved us, they didn't abuse us, but it was rare to get a hug or say "I love you". I guess I didn't realize how much I needed that until I met my husband.

We were married for a couple years when my husband lost his job. He was out of work for two years. I know this devastated him, his confidence, and he went through depression. He tried everything he could and nothing would open in our area and we couldn't move away. We had to rely on both our parents for help. We were both devasted by it. It's then that things began to change between us. We were so focused on trying to find work, nothing else mattered. Then suddenly a wonderful job came open. It was good paying work, the most he's ever been paid. His work is literally around the corner, only a couple miles from home and he has a really great boss. He's been there almost two years now and he enjoys it.

In all of this, it seems we just became good friends. He stopped being affectionate, we haven't been together as a couple in over a year. I gained some weight in all we had gone through so I thought that was the reason he didn't want to touch me. He went downstairs to his man cave and we started to grow apart. This devastated me. I lost the weight and my hair began to fall out. So much so he began to notice it. I tried to bring the issue up and he closed down on me. He would say he couldn't understand why I didn't feel loved, he did so much to show he loved he. And he was right, he did and does. I tried several times to bring it up and then he would say he was old. I try now to flirt with him every once in a while and he just isn't interested. I feel miserable, I'm not trying to be selfish but I miss how we use to be. I'm almost afraid to touch him, I feel like he would reject me. It hurts so deeply and I don't know how to let him know how I feel without him shutting down. I just really miss him, I miss us. I just really need some advice on how to heal this and I have no one to talk to. What is it that I'm doing wrong and turning him off. Sorry for the long post. I just feel despondant over this and it's making me ill. Thank you.

Joined: Oct 2005
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Brie girl, welcome to Marriage Builders, I think you will find the answers you are looking for here. It’s so important to take time to date each other outside the house after you’re married the way you did before you got married. Please take a look at this article https://www.marriagebuilders.com/dating-the-one-you-married-series-of-articles.htm Also I know that feeling well of the anxiety and hopelessness of disconnection in your marriage making you sick. Please tune into the radio show daily, hearing the other families turn around with these ideas will bring you your hope back quickly and your husband will notice the change in you.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Joined: Jul 2021
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Briegrl Offline OP
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While I am willing to read your articles my issue is my husband seems utterly uninterested in anything linked to romance. It's like he's a stranger. If I were to bring up something like dating I'm sure he'd just say we spend plenty of time together already. He doesn't have friends, nor do I. We spend weekends technically together. But he's turned off to any hint of romance. The first couple of years he seemed engaged and wanted romance, now if I even flirt with him he shuts down. Any time I think we're even close he makes an excuse. He says he's still attracted to me, but how can I believe that when we're just friends and he won't hardly kiss me. I don't know what's wrong or why he is acting this way and it hurts. The idea of asking or making a date night just isn't something I see happening. He says he loves me, he's very good to me, would do anything for me. But he's put this between us and I don't understand why.

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Did you read the introduction at the link? Feelings follow actions. When you all are not getting your romantic needs met by each other you are not going to feel motivated to find time to get out of the house together. But it’s exactly what you need. Please take a look at the introduction there and ask your husband to do you a favor and read the articles with you. And listen to the radio show too it will give you both encouragement right away in making new habits together. It’s all free.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,556
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I get what you’re saying. I came here twice because I had two husbands with issues who were not able to follow this simple program with me. But hopefully you will find you and your spouse don’t have an issue like that that would get in the way of following a simple program where you make time to get out of the house every week doing both of your favorite activities meeting both your top emotional needs together. Talking about your favorite things. You two get to make all the choices of what is fun for you. You both will find it more fun than being in a rut.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Joined: Nov 2010
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Welcome to MB.

Do you go into his man cave? Do you know if he is watching porn?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Sep 2008
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Originally Posted by Briegrl
He stopped being affectionate, we haven't been together as a couple in over a year. I gained some weight in all we had gone through so I thought that was the reason he didn't want to touch me. He went downstairs to his man cave and we started to grow apart. This devastated me. I lost the weight and my hair began to fall out. So much so he began to notice it. I tried to bring the issue up and he closed down on me. He would say he couldn't understand why I didn't feel loved, he did so much to show he loved he. And he was right, he did and does. I tried several times to bring it up and then he would say he was old. I try now to flirt with him every once in a while and he just isn't interested. I feel miserable, I'm not trying to be selfish but I miss how we use to be. I'm almost afraid to touch him, I feel like he would reject me. It hurts so deeply and I don't know how to let him know how I feel without him shutting down. I just really miss him, I miss us. I just really need some advice on how to heal this and I have no one to talk to. What is it that I'm doing wrong and turning him off.

I'm so sorry to hear about this, and about how unhappy it is making you.

I don't think you should be asking what you can do to heal this. You really ought to be able to ask your husband why his behaviour has changed so radically, and what you both can do to give you the affectionate, sexual marriage that you so rightfully desire, and he should be able to answer you instead of brushing you off.

That he deflects by saying that he does not understand why you don't feel loved after all he does for you is not acceptable. You are not complaining about the good things that he does, but about the fundamental part of marriage - sex and sensuality - that he denies you. If he believes that he has the right to live with you without romance, sex, and physical affection, and that you should not be unhappy about their lack, he should not be married.

You can't fix this. You can't make him affectionate if he refuses to be, as it seems he does. What you can do is talk to him again and try to find out why he has become this way, but secretly, in the meantime, accept that you will have to separate if he continues to make you unhappy.

Secretly, also, though, you should be looking into the question of pornography, as Brain Hurts suggests, and also into the possibility that he is having or has had an affair since you married. Either of those two situations is more than enough to destroy his feelings for you.

Don't give him any clue that you are investigating the possibility of pornography or an affair. if you give him a clue, he will take his activity further underground. It will be especially impossible to find out about an affair if it has ended, if you clue him in. It will be very easy for him to destroy evidence of a past affair.

Are you willing to snoop on him?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.

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