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#3015690 09/09/21 01:02 PM
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My husband is doing everything right, yet I do not feel anything. What is wrong with me? How do I make myself feel the way I should? We just finished a week long getaway. It is like there is a solid door that is closed.

Can caregiving affect that? Having someone close facing a terminal illness? Doe menopause affect it? I really, really miss working. I miss seeing friends because of Covid. I feel very, very bored.

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Originally Posted by smilingwife
My husband is doing everything right, yet I do not feel anything. What is wrong with me? How do I make myself feel the way I should? We just finished a week long getaway. It is like there is a solid door that is closed.

Can caregiving affect that? Having someone close facing a terminal illness? Doe menopause affect it? I really, really miss working. I miss seeing friends because of Covid. I feel very, very bored.
Welcome to MB.

Was your week getaway, just you and your DH? How long have you been married?

If you miss working, why aren’t you working?

Do you have children? Are you familiar with Dr. Harley’s basic concepts?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Yes, just me and dh.
We have been married for 35 years.
Because the company closed shortly before Covid, and I decided to focus on my master's degree that I should finish this December. Plus, my husband was supposed to betraveling doing missionary work, so I wanted to go with him. I can do school online, so that makes it possible. But Covid has screwed everything up.
We have three grown children.
Yes I know his program.
He is a wonderful man who strives to meet my needs.
I have recently learned of a parent that has a terminal illness, so now I will be probably moving in with him to take care of him in his last days at some point in the next few months. Has a good support system of friends there, so it is better for me to go there since I have no friends here. Or at least no friends I can get together with because of stupid Covid. I am a singer and Covid has stopped everything I loved.

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Originally Posted by smilingwife
I have recently learned of a parent that has a terminal illness, so now I will be probably moving in with him to take care of him in his last days at some point in the next few months. Has a good support system of friends there

I'm sorry that this has happened and I'm sure your parent will be grateful. Can your husband come with you?

Originally Posted by smilingwife
I have no friends here. Or at least no friends I can get together with because of stupid Covid. I am a singer and Covid has stopped everything I loved.

Your husband needs to become your best recreational companion and the person you most want to spend time with. If singing comes ahead of spending time with him, you need to find different recreational activities, ones that you both love and that you can do together. Have you done the Emotional needs questionnaire from this website? Most women have intimate conversation as one of their top needs. If your husband is not doing a great job on that, you need to explain how you feel and why he needs to work on it. Turn off the television and turn on the conversation. Dress up and go out on dates, flirt and laugh. You can do this!


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We don't watch television. Yeah, I don't need any of those things. I need people and something to do to make me feel valuable. If I had to pick one thing it would be recreational companionship I guess. But the numbers are above 200/100,000. Positivity is over 20 percent. The hospitals are overloaded and no one is wearing a mask around here.

We already walk 5 miles together 5 times a week. We just got through going to a cabin for a week. Once a week we try to go to a state park or other place for a picnic. He tells me he loves me so many times a day. We work on projects together. We do not fight. Never have.

I just miss feeling like I am making a valuable contribution to society. I miss people.

I just don't feel much of anything but empty.

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Originally Posted by smilingwife
We don't watch television. Yeah, I don't need any of those things. I need people and something to do to make me feel valuable. If I had to pick one thing it would be recreational companionship I guess.

Yes of course you do, humans are fundamentally social animals. But you should both do the Emotional Needs questionnaire and compare results. Try doing one for each other first and, without reading it, then your own. Compare the two, you might be surprised.


Originally Posted by smilingwife
We already walk 5 miles together 5 times a week. We just got through going to a cabin for a week. Once a week we try to go to a state park or other place for a picnic.

Do you talk, do you explore ideas together, do you discuss future plans and your feelings? Those are the things that bring you closer.

Originally Posted by smilingwife
He tells me he loves me so many times a day. We work on projects together. We do not fight. Never have.

As long as you are not fighting as an avoidance, that is great. Do you tell him that you love him too?

Originally Posted by smilingwife
I just miss feeling like I am making a valuable contribution to society. I miss people.

I just don't feel much of anything but empty.

Empty is not good. I have a friend who has spent the lockdown Zooming daily with lonely friends to keep them cheerful. That is a pretty valuable contribution to society especially as you factor in the relationship between loneliness and dementia. But you would need to want do this together. Keep thinking outside the box, something will come to you.


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Fine, we will do it.
Yes, good grief we are together 24/7 EVERY DAY. I want to interact with other people. Please tell me we are not supposed to only be with our spouse. That is not healthy. We talk A LOT. He knows everything about me. I know everything about him. Yes, I tell him as well. ZOOM is not the same. I need hugs, and holding hand while praying. AND YES, we do a long devotion everyday and hold hands and pray. I WANT OTHER PEOPLE>

I will go somewhere else, because you are just not understanding.

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Ok here are his emotional needs:
Honesty, family commitment, attractive spouse and domestic support.

Mine. I really only have two: admiration is one and I guess recreation companionship I guess

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Originally Posted by smilingwife
Ok here are his emotional needs:
Honesty, family commitment, attractive spouse and domestic support.

Mine. I really only have two: admiration is one and I guess recreation companionship I guess

Well done! Admiration makes lots of sense as your top emotional need. Have you discussed with your husband what that actually means to you? Together you need to find a way to get more admiration from him. Then you will not feel so empty. Sounds as if you also need hugs from him. Hugs are really important.

By the way, nobody is suggesting that you be with your spouse 24/7. You said he is a missionary and that you are studying for an MBA so I presume you work in separate rooms and get together at the end of your days? Create topics of conversation; find something completely new that you can read or learn. Then you can discuss the subject together.

You need to plan to spend recreational time together outside the house, Covid permitting, with other people. This should be things you both enjoy doing.


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Honestly he gives me plenty of admiration. He tells me how proud he is of me doing in school. We go on mission trips together. He is retired and does projects on the farm.

That is the problem. Covid is too high right now. We cannot do things with other people. Plus I cannot expose myself since I am taking care of my parent.

We went walking for an hour and a half together yesterday, will do so Wednesday and Friday. Normally we would go somewhere for a day trip, we tend to do that every week. But my time is getting eaten up more and more by caring for my terminally ill relative. Just devastating.

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Originally Posted by smilingwife
Honestly he gives me plenty of admiration. He tells me how proud he is of me doing in school. We go on mission trips together. He is retired and does projects on the farm.

That is the problem. Covid is too high right now. We cannot do things with other people. Plus I cannot expose myself since I am taking care of my parent.

We went walking for an hour and a half together yesterday, will do so Wednesday and Friday. Normally we would go somewhere for a day trip, we tend to do that every week. But my time is getting eaten up more and more by caring for my terminally ill relative. Just devastating.

Emotional needs are very important, they make us who we are. You fell in love with your spouse because he did a great job of meeting your needs and vice versa. It sounds as if the two of you have drifted over the years into a situation where others have been meeting those needs. Don't feel bad about that, it is easy to slip into that situation especially if you are both working hard but it is dangerous because that is how people have affairs.

Can you look at the Covid interregnum as an opportunity rather than as a sadness? Maybe reflect on what in your relationship with one another needs work. Be honest with him, tell him about your sadness. Tell him you need those hugs from him. Ask him what you can do better. Talk to him about how you feel about your dying relative. Let him help!


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)

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