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Joined: Dec 2021
Posts: 2
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Linc Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2021
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Hi,

In August I received a facebook message from a women who said in 2018 her husband and my wife had an affair. They meet once a month for 6 months and fooled around in his car and the last time they meet they had sex. He then broke it off. He came clean to her and she thought I should know. I spoke to this woman and there is no reason for her husband to lie. When I confronted my wife she said they did have lunch twice and were old friends but everything else was a lie. She said I shouldn't speak to them because they were crazy and to leave it alone. She never went back to the woman asking why she was doing this if it was fake. I actually didn't press this affair much more because while I was investigating I found out about more recent ones that took precedent.

I could see from phone records that from April 2020 till Feb 2021 she was calling another guy regularly. She said he was a friend from home and when her father was sick he was there for him. Her father passed away in Oct 2020. I don't have any proof of them meeting up but talking a lot. The talking ended for a bit when he got a girlfriend but picked up a few months later and I think possibly continues to this day. Didn't push on this one much either.

Because in April of this year she started talking to another guy. Calling on avg 5 times a day. Talking at night when she went to bed before I did and calling him all day while in the car and while at work. He is a bartender at her favorite restaurant that she would go out to once a week after work. She said they were just friends and his mother passed away a few years ago so he was there for her when she said I wasn't (this may be true I thought I was there for her but maybe I wasn't). I told her she needed to end this relationship and she said she would. She logged into my computer during COVID and I was able to see her search history. She looked up his bday and then if their astrological signs were a match, her searching for hotels near her work and for hotels by the hour. I confronted her and she had two execuses...she needed alone time to grieve for her father and then someone at work was discussing an affair so they were looking up this info. So her story changed.

I decided to put a GPS on her car and track her. One day I put a voice recorder in her car to test it as we would be in the car. Later that day I had to run our daughter to bball and she was going shopping. While there I noticed the car parked in a parking lot down the street from the store she was supposed to be at. I couldn't get there in time but the recorder picked up a 9 min call to this guy. She got a burner phone and talked to him about meeting up. She mentioned "not seeing him was bad for them", "she was going to kiss him the next day on his bday if they were only together for 5 min and couldn't be together" and then also said "I might go the restaurant and stare at the sexy bartender and cum my pants". They then meet for 16 min in his car. That night while drinking, not smart, I found the burner phone and confronted her. She said they were just friends and just had a phone relationship and what I heard was out of context. If I knew their friendship I would know it was a joke. I told her I didn't believe these crazy lies and we would be done. She said she would stop talking to him and wanted to work on us. She has never heard the recording just a few things I reminded her she said.

After this I was able to see a few strange stops that would show me that she was meeting him. And was able to see a facebook message from him on her watch 3 weeks after the burner phone day. Since early Sept I haven't seen or heard anything. I have confronted her that she needs to come clean but she says she won't admit to something that didn't happen and turns it around on me.

I decided not to blow up our family because her bday was in Oct and her fathers one year anniversary was also....then came Thanksgiving and now Xmas. We haven't discussed it or fought about it since Halloween.

I did find out this week from a friend of hers who I told the story to that she thinks they are still talking. She slipped up while they were out and she told the friend that she told the other guy something they discussed in mid Nov. I can't see who she calls while at work and if she is messaging him she can delete those messages.

I can't live this way any longer and after the new year I need to confront her. We have been getting along the last 6 weeks and actually going out to dinner and being intimate but she still hasn't admitted to anything. I actually feel bad that I am going to drop this on her. I feel like I have let it linger too long and I will be looked at as the bad person. I realize that is crazy because of everything she did.

I just wanted to tell my story and get advice. I don't think I can get past this and honestly not sure if I want to. She should have to feel some pain here and not think she got away with it. Have you been through similar. Advice? Recommendations?

Joined: Jan 2010
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Hi, Linc, welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sorry for the circumstances that bring you here, but you are in the best possible place to get help.

Let me encourage you to take a look at some helpful material about affairs that Dr. Harley has provided.

Here is an important article to read through:
How Affairs Begin

And here is an important video to watch:


In all honesty confronting her is not likely to do much more than make her angry. She will choose to reveal as little as she can get by with, preferably nothing.

A much better approach is to gather evidence and then reveal it to important people in her life, people who can help intervene with her and who can help provide emotional support for you. You've already taken some steps toward gathering some evidence that she can't deny. I encourage you to follow this process through to its conclusion. Dr. Harley has said that in the couples he's seen recover from infidelity, exposure of the affair is the first genuine step to recovery.

Here is some information you should read through

As far as getting through this, of course that's going to be completely your call. But for now put yourself on the best possible path to decide that later, so that things will go well for you regardless of what you choose.

A few questions:
Have long have you been married?
Do you have any children together?
Have either of you been married before?
Do either of you have any children from a previous relationship?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Dec 2021
Posts: 2
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Linc Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2021
Posts: 2
Hi Markos,

Thanks for the response.

We have been married 17 years and together for 20. She was married before and had a child in that marriage. That marriage only lasted a year or so. We meet right after her divorce was finalized. We have 3 kids of our own (15, 13 and 12).

To be honest I don't know if I want to save our marriage. I assume that may be typical for someone in this situation. To know that she has had multiple affairs makes me think she won't change.

So you recommend discussing it with other people that can intervene to make her see her mistakes and come clean? Knowing my wife I think that may blow everything up. Even with what she has admitted to, talking to other men without me knowing saying they are just friends, she has made it clear I shouldn't discuss this with anyone. She is worried if I tell a friend and he talks about it with his wife it could be overheard by their children and might get back to my kids.

I have discussed it with a couple that we are friends with without her knowledge. And her friend and passed on information to me that I have kept in confidence. Her friend was one that said she thinks she is still talking to the most recent guy based on her slipping up one night they were out having drinks. She is disgusted by my wife's actions. My wife has admitted to her that she talked to this other guy and even had a burner phone but that it wasn't physical. Her friend told her that that was completely inappropriate but my wife shrugs it off as not a big deal. My wife even told her friend that she would "love the guy" if she meet him.

I agree the only way she is going to come clean or see what she did is completely screwed up is if everyone knows. If we keep it between us even if she admitted the truth I feel she would have gotten a free pass.. She was able to have these affairs and keep her husband, family and reputation.

I am just at a loss.

Joined: Sep 2008
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Linc, did you watch the video that markos linked for you? Did you also read through the information he provided?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.

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