Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 23
W
w1hubby Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 23
I am writer1's husband (you can search her story here on MB.) To give a little background and history on MB, writer1 originally came to marriage builders 13 years ago, after an affair ended when our OC was a year old. Prior to this, I had had a long term (10-year) mostly emotional affair with an ex-girlfriend from high school.

Forward to the last three years, where I’ve had multiple affairs. First, I met a woman through social media in June of 2019 that turned physical by July. I stopped the affair once it was exposed via a text message to my wife after the affair partner and I had a heated text session the night before.

We, then, moved out of state and after a few months at my new job in April 2020, I started an emotional affair with a co-worker who was friendly and open to personal messaging that involved inappropriate conversation, and even inappropriate pictures sent via email. This affair ended by her not responding to my messages though I did in October (2021) reach out only to see if she was okay. She did reply back by guessing someone else. When I told her who it was, she said hello, I’ve not heard from her again and I’ve not reached back out to her.

Another affair started with a different former girlfriend from high school in May 2020. This started as a catch-up session via email, but the conversations turned inappropriate within a couple of weeks. We met and had physical relations twice (Nov 2020 and July 2021) in the year and a half period of time. I exposed the affair to my wife and haven’t contacted the affair partner, but only to send a “no contact” email to her and her husband. There have been other women whom I’ve had inappropriate conversations over the years. These instances have been met by the other party stating they weren’t interested in anything more than friendship. I’ve labeled myself a serial cheater because I am. I confessed all of this to my wife and we are working to reconcile our marriage.

Over the past five weeks, my wife and I are sharing more quality time together, we are reading the Harley’s books, and when we are able to afford it will seek counseling. I know there are safeguards that must be set in place and I am showing my wife that I’m open to all opportunities to strengthen our marriage.

I do not have any specific questions, but I am open to advice from the forum.

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,431
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,431
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by w1hubby
I am writer1's husband (you can search her story here on MB.) To give a little background and history on MB, writer1 originally came to marriage builders 13 years ago, after an affair ended when our OC was a year old. Prior to this, I had had a long term (10-year) mostly emotional affair with an ex-girlfriend from high school.

Forward to the last three years, where I’ve had multiple affairs. First, I met a woman through social media in June of 2019 that turned physical by July. I stopped the affair once it was exposed via a text message to my wife after the affair partner and I had a heated text session the night before.

We, then, moved out of state and after a few months at my new job in April 2020, I started an emotional affair with a co-worker who was friendly and open to personal messaging that involved inappropriate conversation, and even inappropriate pictures sent via email. This affair ended by her not responding to my messages though I did in October (2021) reach out only to see if she was okay. She did reply back by guessing someone else. When I told her who it was, she said hello, I’ve not heard from her again and I’ve not reached back out to her.

Another affair started with a different former girlfriend from high school in May 2020. This started as a catch-up session via email, but the conversations turned inappropriate within a couple of weeks. We met and had physical relations twice (Nov 2020 and July 2021) in the year and a half period of time. I exposed the affair to my wife and haven’t contacted the affair partner, but only to send a “no contact” email to her and her husband. There have been other women whom I’ve had inappropriate conversations over the years. These instances have been met by the other party stating they weren’t interested in anything more than friendship. I’ve labeled myself a serial cheater because I am. I confessed all of this to my wife and we are working to reconcile our marriage.

Over the past five weeks, my wife and I are sharing more quality time together, we are reading the Harley’s books, and when we are able to afford it will seek counseling. I know there are safeguards that must be set in place and I am showing my wife that I’m open to all opportunities to strengthen our marriage.

I do not have any specific questions, but I am open to advice from the forum.
Welcome back.

I haven't had time yet to dig up your previous thread, but didn't you say all that about sharing quality time and strengthening your marriage the last time you were here?

Is this how it's going to be for writer1, that, after living your life as if you were not married and breaking her heart, you show up on the forum, say things that sound right, and then screw her over yet again?

Are you unable to control yourself?

Or do you just not care enough about hurting your wife?

Or is there some other cause of having affairs that we have not yet heard about, and that you alone are afflicted with?

What the heck is wrong with you?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,431
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,431
Likes: 7
When you were here before, I remember that posters were not convinced by the correct-sounding words that you wrote. They even took your wife to task about why she thought recovery from your serial cheating was possible, and she defended you.

You were a classic case of a man who has been busted once too often, and whose wife then insists that he posts on the forum. The wife takes the husband's willingness to post as a sign of his willingness to roll up his sleeves and learn about rebuilding a marriage.

But the husband doesn't actually display any such willingness. He was ordered to post, and so he posts, and that it - job done. He does not come back frequently to learn what to do day by day, or what to do when he is facing a dilemma. He might or might not have had any intention of really changing his behaviour, but once the immediate heat is off the marriage, and once he has posted as his wife demanded, that's it - he goes back to his normal life.

That was you, and some of us could see this coming. You registered here in August 2019 and soon disappeared, and in April 2020 you went back to your normal life. And my guess is that you're only here now because you were busted again and your wife made you come here.

You won't stick around, and you won't do the work. I hope your wife is seeing now what we could see two years ago.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
1 member likes this: Isaiah46.4
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,271
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,271
Likes: 2
Why stay married and continue to do this to her?

Why are you really here? Is it to pretend to show you care for her?

Is she going to come back to the boards?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote
I do not have any specific questions

That's concerning.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
I do not have any specific questions

That's concerning.

Yes it is. It's a frightful warning sign.

w1h, I didn't get any better until my wife told me I couldn't come home until I could guarantee her that it would never happen again. What would you recommend that your wife do in order to create a situation where you can't come home unless you can guarantee it will never happen again? Whatever that would be, that's my advice.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted by w1hubby
I am writer1's husband (you can search her story here on MB.) To give a little background and history on MB, writer1 originally came to marriage builders 13 years ago, after an affair ended when our OC was a year old. Prior to this, I had had a long term (10-year) mostly emotional affair with an ex-girlfriend from high school.

Forward to the last three years, where I’ve had multiple affairs. First, I met a woman through social media in June of 2019 that turned physical by July. I stopped the affair once it was exposed via a text message to my wife after the affair partner and I had a heated text session the night before.

We, then, moved out of state and after a few months at my new job in April 2020, I started an emotional affair with a co-worker who was friendly and open to personal messaging that involved inappropriate conversation, and even inappropriate pictures sent via email. This affair ended by her not responding to my messages though I did in October (2021) reach out only to see if she was okay. She did reply back by guessing someone else. When I told her who it was, she said hello, I’ve not heard from her again and I’ve not reached back out to her.

Another affair started with a different former girlfriend from high school in May 2020. This started as a catch-up session via email, but the conversations turned inappropriate within a couple of weeks. We met and had physical relations twice (Nov 2020 and July 2021) in the year and a half period of time. I exposed the affair to my wife and haven’t contacted the affair partner, but only to send a “no contact” email to her and her husband. There have been other women whom I’ve had inappropriate conversations over the years. These instances have been met by the other party stating they weren’t interested in anything more than friendship. I’ve labeled myself a serial cheater because I am. I confessed all of this to my wife and we are working to reconcile our marriage.

Over the past five weeks, my wife and I are sharing more quality time together, we are reading the Harley’s books, and when we are able to afford it will seek counseling. I know there are safeguards that must be set in place and I am showing my wife that I’m open to all opportunities to strengthen our marriage.

I do not have any specific questions, but I am open to advice from the forum.


This is a warning for any lurkers who are reading.

This is what happens when you come to MB with a WS and embrace the warm and fuzzy stuff like "meeting EN's" and "spending UA time", and cut corners on the tough stuff. More affairs, more pain, and a more crippled marriage. The wayward just keeps getting better and better lying, gaslighting, and hiding his SSL (secret second life)....the BS just keeps getting beaten down further and further.

This serial cheating WS needs for starters:
1) poly
2) completely transparent lifestyle where he cannot carry on his SSL (no social media, probably no access to cell phone and internet without his BS present) ETC
3) a complete exposure by the BS to family and close friends who can help keep him accountable

However, he knows he can come here and say some nice things and that his BS will eventually back off and he can resume his normal activities.

You can NEVER listen to a wayward's flowery words - actions are all that matter.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
Of course you don't have any questions, because you already know what the solution is; stop seeking affairs. You just really aren't interested in doing so, as evidenced by 2 additional affairs since the last time you guys resurfaced here the last time.

It's even in your own words here that you sought further affairs.... and the women stated they weren't interested. And THAT is the only reason there weren't more.

You haven't implemented any stronger personal boundaries. It's doubtful you are interested in doing so, it would interfere with your ability to get another affair going.


You are capable of stopping this. You just have no interest in doing so.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 23
W
w1hubby Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Welcome back.
Hello and thank you.

I haven't had time yet to dig up your previous thread, but didn't you say all that about sharing quality time and strengthening your marriage the last time you were here?
Yes.

Is this how it's going to be for writer1, that, after living your life as if you were not married and breaking her heart, you show up on the forum, say things that sound right, and then screw her over yet again?
No, thus the reason for writing the words final recovery in the title of my post.

Are you unable to control yourself?
After true realization and wanting pursuing full recovery - Yes.

Or do you just not care enough about hurting your wife?
I care about her to stop and never hurt her again

Or is there some other cause of having affairs that we have not yet heard about, and that you alone are afflicted with?
There are no other causes or excuses of having affairs.

What the heck is wrong with you?
I have been asking that question for the past five weeks. I know the things I did were wrong and I'm correcting my course to never have it happen again.

Thank you for your comments and questions.

Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 23
W
w1hubby Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by SugarCane
When you were here before, I remember that posters were not convinced by the correct-sounding words that you wrote. They even took your wife to task about why she thought recovery from your serial cheating was possible, and she defended you.

You were a classic case of a man who has been busted once too often, and whose wife then insists that he posts on the forum. The wife takes the husband's willingness to post as a sign of his willingness to roll up his sleeves and learn about rebuilding a marriage.

But the husband doesn't actually display any such willingness. He was ordered to post, and so he posts, and that it - job done. He does not come back frequently to learn what to do day by day, or what to do when he is facing a dilemma. He might or might not have had any intention of really changing his behaviour, but once the immediate heat is off the marriage, and once he has posted as his wife demanded, that's it - he goes back to his normal life.

That was you, and some of us could see this coming. You registered here in August 2019 and soon disappeared, and in April 2020 you went back to your normal life. And my guess is that you're only here now because you were busted again and your wife made you come here.

You won't stick around, and you won't do the work. I hope your wife is seeing now what we could see two years ago.

Thank you SugarCane for your very accurate words. I actually busted myself. I am here to do the work and safeguard my marriage from this ever happening again.

Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 23
W
w1hubby Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Why stay married and continue to do this to her?
I see the point of your question and I have discontinued doing this to her. I truly love her and this is my commitment to keep our marriage safeguarded.

Why are you really here? Is it to pretend to show you care for her?
I am here to show my commitment to her that I will not cheat on her again. I am not pretending to care for her, I truly do.
Is she going to come back to the boards?
I believe she is back on the boards from what I saw. Forum Search: writer1

Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 23
W
w1hubby Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
I do not have any specific questions

That's concerning.

I can see how you'd interpret that to be concerning. I mostly was seeking advice moving forward.

I saw someone post already that I have complete control, which I know I do and I have the ability to stop this, which I am and done.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote
I have the ability to stop this, which I am and done.
How? What's different THIS time? All I see is words and more nice sounding, empty words


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 23
W
w1hubby Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
I do not have any specific questions

That's concerning.
markos, please read what I wrote to Prisca (your wife?) above regarding being concerned.

Yes it is. It's a frightful warning sign.

w1h, I didn't get any better until my wife told me I couldn't come home until I could guarantee her that it would never happen again. What would you recommend that your wife do in order to create a situation where you can't come home unless you can guarantee it will never happen again? Whatever that would be, that's my advice.

Thank you for your words! They help a lot!
I would have left if I couldn't guarantee I could be faithful and never have it happen again. And, I am open and honest with her and I have committed to her that the safeguards we're building around our marriage will cement that this will never happen again.

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by w1hubby
I have committed to her that the safeguards we're building around our marriage

Can you be specific about what those safeguards are? (Don't post anything about emotional needs. Those are not safeguards.)

Also, can you add in some guarantees for her about what will happen to protect and rescue her if you do this again?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 23
W
w1hubby Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
I do not have any specific questions

That's concerning.

Yes it is. It's a frightful warning sign.

w1h, I didn't get any better until my wife told me I couldn't come home until I could guarantee her that it would never happen again. What would you recommend that your wife do in order to create a situation where you can't come home unless you can guarantee it will never happen again? Whatever that would be, that's my advice.
Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by w1hubby
I am writer1's husband (you can search her story here on MB.) To give a little background and history on MB, writer1 originally came to marriage builders 13 years ago, after an affair ended when our OC was a year old. Prior to this, I had had a long term (10-year) mostly emotional affair with an ex-girlfriend from high school.

Forward to the last three years, where I’ve had multiple affairs. First, I met a woman through social media in June of 2019 that turned physical by July. I stopped the affair once it was exposed via a text message to my wife after the affair partner and I had a heated text session the night before.

We, then, moved out of state and after a few months at my new job in April 2020, I started an emotional affair with a co-worker who was friendly and open to personal messaging that involved inappropriate conversation, and even inappropriate pictures sent via email. This affair ended by her not responding to my messages though I did in October (2021) reach out only to see if she was okay. She did reply back by guessing someone else. When I told her who it was, she said hello, I’ve not heard from her again and I’ve not reached back out to her.

Another affair started with a different former girlfriend from high school in May 2020. This started as a catch-up session via email, but the conversations turned inappropriate within a couple of weeks. We met and had physical relations twice (Nov 2020 and July 2021) in the year and a half period of time. I exposed the affair to my wife and haven’t contacted the affair partner, but only to send a “no contact” email to her and her husband. There have been other women whom I’ve had inappropriate conversations over the years. These instances have been met by the other party stating they weren’t interested in anything more than friendship. I’ve labeled myself a serial cheater because I am. I confessed all of this to my wife and we are working to reconcile our marriage.

Over the past five weeks, my wife and I are sharing more quality time together, we are reading the Harley’s books, and when we are able to afford it will seek counseling. I know there are safeguards that must be set in place and I am showing my wife that I’m open to all opportunities to strengthen our marriage.

I do not have any specific questions, but I am open to advice from the forum.


This is a warning for any lurkers who are reading.

This is what happens when you come to MB with a WS and embrace the warm and fuzzy stuff like "meeting EN's" and "spending UA time", and cut corners on the tough stuff. More affairs, more pain, and a more crippled marriage. The wayward just keeps getting better and better lying, gaslighting, and hiding his SSL (secret second life)....the BS just keeps getting beaten down further and further.

This serial cheating WS needs for starters:
1) poly
2) completely transparent lifestyle where he cannot carry on his SSL (no social media, probably no access to cell phone and internet without his BS present) ETC
3) a complete exposure by the BS to family and close friends who can help keep him accountable

However, he knows he can come here and say some nice things and that his BS will eventually back off and he can resume his normal activities.

You can NEVER listen to a wayward's flowery words - actions are all that matter.

Wow, SusieQ, lots to unpack and brain over here. Thank you!
My wife and I have gone over some of this and will use this as a template to move forward on.
Yes, lots of UA Time, Reading, Sharing, and Fulfilling Needs.
Not looking to say flowery things, just wanting to act to solidify our marriage to keep the safeguard around us by daily commitment to each other.
Thank you again!

Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 23
W
w1hubby Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
Of course you don't have any questions, because you already know what the solution is; stop seeking affairs. You just really aren't interested in doing so, as evidenced by 2 additional affairs since the last time you guys resurfaced here the last time.

It's even in your own words here that you sought further affairs.... and the women stated they weren't interested. And THAT is the only reason there weren't more.

You haven't implemented any stronger personal boundaries. It's doubtful you are interested in doing so, it would interfere with your ability to get another affair going.


You are capable of stopping this. You just have no interest in doing so.
Thank you HHH, I think I remember you from 2019.
Yes, I know what the solution is and I am committed to stop seeking affairs by creating solid personal boundaries. Yes, other affairs would have ensued, I'm sure, but I'm just grateful to be on the other side of wanting to seek affairs. I am more than interested in repairing the damage I've done to our marriage and grateful for the opportunity to do so by acting to strengthen our marriage.
Thank you again.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote
Yes, lots of UA Time, Reading, Sharing, and Fulfilling Needs.
These are not safegaurds.

What are you doing to make another affair impossible? What's different this time?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote
creating solid personal boundaries
Be specific


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 23
W
w1hubby Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
I have the ability to stop this, which I am and done.
How? What's different THIS time? All I see is words and more nice sounding, empty words

Thank you, again, Prisca. I've have turned my heart to her completely. I have started communicating my love for her in various acts of love and kindness. Through reading and other united actions, we've started to connect on more higher levels of intimacy and love. It's through these actions that I know we'll weather this.

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 22 guests, and 52 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,672 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,550
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5