Hello,

I am 25 (female) and my fiancé is 24 (male). Our wedding is in one month. We have been together for 3.5 years total and our entire relationship has been long distance.

I am not looking forward to this wedding/marriage for a few reasons. Mainly, I dread sex with him. I’ve never enjoyed sex with him and it has always felt forced. Second, I will have to move far away and change my job, etc which is worsening my depression. Third, we are not able to use any form of contraception for religious reasons and I really don’t want kids right now (with him). Lastly, I am still hung up over an affair I had for the past 2+ years of our relationship. I only saw this other guy on occasion but it left me heartbroken (inevitably). I’ve expressed all these concerns to him (except the affair) several times. We already called off the wedding once but nothing has changed.

I told our priest about my affair and he advised me not to tell my fiancé about it if I still wanted to go through with the marriage. I am choosing to go through with it but I feel like it would be a LOT easier to accept this marriage if there was absolutely no sex which is obviously not going to happen.

Britney welcome to Marriage Builders! I’m glad you are here. Many folks here would suggest waiting until marriage to become physically intimate to avoid this kind of aversion before marriage you are describing. If you can take a break during this time before marriage, will that help your desire return?

If you have untreated depression, is there a way to get treatment available to you?

If you don’t want kids right now, having them would add to your depression. You mention you specifically don’t want them with your fiancé? Does that mean with another partner you would want children? Is that an option or are you in an arranged marriage?

Thank you so much for the response—

I agree a lot of this would be solved if I didn’t engage in sex before marriage. It’s been a little over a month since I’ve been intimate with the other guy, which is probably not long enough. I am not physically intimate with my fiancé currently but he does push me to do stuff almost every day. I tell him we shouldn’t because we’re not married, but once we’re married I won’t have that excuse. He gets very upset with me when I refuse to do anything sexual and we sometimes get into arguments.

I don’t want his kids but I think it’s wrapped up in all if this. I would have kids with the other guy in a heartbeat.

It’s not an arranged marriage. I love him very much and he is my best friend. But it’s hard for me to get over this sexual aversion. Part of me thinks that telling him about the affair would lessen the sexual aversion. But it would hurt him and our marriage deeply.

I am getting treatment for my depression.

Welcome to MB.

You should not get married under these circumstances. You are deceiving your husband by having had a relationship with someone else, you appear to be in love with OM, and you do not appear to be in love with your husband.

Do not get married. Call off the wedding. Do not say that you can't, because you can.

Someone who pushes you to do what you don’t want to do is simply not a compatible match. I’m so relieved to hear you are not stuck in this situation. And what a relief that you are getting help for your depression as well! Keep at it and your choices will become more clear and you won’t feel hopelessly stuck to an outcome you do not want. It makes sense to wait for the depression to lift before making such an important life decision.

Have you read the preparing to marry articles here? Dr. H suggests dating up to 30 people platonically before deciding. You would find someone who meets your needs easily and whose needs are easy for you to meet. Who doesn’t push you to do what you don’t want to do.

It sounds like you may have already found someone you have more compatibility with. But letting the depression treatment work and breaking off the unsuitable engagement will help.

I so agree with SugarCane here.

You should not marry this guy and should tell him you’ve been sleeping with someone else. He deserves to know and you need to break up with him.