Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#3016768 12/01/22 09:51 AM
Joined: Dec 2022
Posts: 10
P
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
P
Joined: Dec 2022
Posts: 10
I am dealing with a situation with my partner where he is concerned about our son's education, and he wants us to be doing more learning work with him at home, so that he will do better in school, since at the moment his teacher says that he is behind. I have very different views to my partner on what is the best way to educate a child, and I feel that trying to overload our son with too much learning work will actually be counterproductive in the long run.

However, at the same time, I can see that my partner is genuinely concerned and unhappy about this, and I would like to make some adjustment to help him be happier, but I can't find a solution that we can both enthusiastically agree on. I have tried the approach of asking him to do this learning work with our son if he feels it is important, but he doesn't like this partly because he feels that he does more than enough for the family already by being the income provider and doing all the house maintenance, and partly because his argument is exactly as described in this quote that I've taken from the MB website:

"If you think that this is unfair, consider for a moment why you want the other person to do these tasks for you. Even though you are the one who wants them done, you want the other person to relieve you of the pain you suffer when you do them. It other words, you want to gain at your spouse's expense.

You may argue that what you want is really not for you, but for the children. In that argument, you imply that your spouse is so uncaring and insensitive that he or she doesn't even know, or doesn't care, what's best for the children. If that's your argument, you are making a disrespectful judgment. You are assuming that your view of the situation is superior to that of your spouse. Disrespectful judgments is a Love Buster, and whenever you try to impose your way of thinking on your spouse, you will withdraw love units for sure. And you won't win the argument.

When you insist that your spouse care for the children's needs the way you perceive them, you are making a selfish demand. You are not only trying to impose your perspective on your spouse, but you are also trying to force your spouse to do something that he or she will find unpleasant. Selfish demands is another Love Buster that will withdraw love units every time."

Can you offer any advice on what is the best way for me to handle this?

Joined: Dec 2022
Posts: 10
P
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
P
Joined: Dec 2022
Posts: 10
To add to this, I am definitely guilty of disrespectful judgement myself. I do assume that my view of the situation is superior to that of my spouse. I try very hard not to impose my way of thinking and my perspective on my spouse, but it’s clear that he feels that I do.

The problem is that, since I am the one doing almost all of the child care tasks, I obviously want to do it in a way that feels right to me, and not in a way that I feel is wrong. Over the years I have tried to explain my views to him, but it’s clear that this has come across as me lecturing and preaching, and that I feel I know better about everything.

I don’t know how to change this, because he is right that I do feel this way. I feel that I understand where he is coming from and why he has the views he has, but in my opinion the way he operates is ineffective and detrimental to others. I am at a loss about how to get the message across without being judgmental.

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Welcome to MB.

The process for coming to an agreement on this difficult issue is the same as for any issue. You need to be clear what the issue is, and you need to brainstorm until you find a mutually agreed solution. There is no other way of doing POJA.

His teacher feels that your son is behind in his progress. Is there a way of establishing whether he is indeed behind? What benchmarks is the teacher using to make that judgement?

If you both agree with the teacher that he is behind, have you asked the teacher for suggestions on how to ameliorate this? Indeed the teacher might agree with you that additional work at this stage is not a good idea; I have known teachers to suggest a longer term strategy of encouragement and patience.

If you think that additional work would be harmful for your child at this stage, it doesn't seem right for you to try to find a way to agree to it "to help him (your husband) be happier". This isn't about making your husband happier, its about doing what is right for your child. It follows from that that you shouldn't ask your husband to do the work with your child himself, if you believe that the extra work is potentially harmful.

I suggest getting advice from your child's teacher. This would not be done to get him/her to side with one of you. You would be seeking advice because the teacher is an experienced professional who knows your child and has observed his learning style for several hours a day for some time now. He/she would have your child's best interests at heart (as of course do both of you) and would surely be able to make suggestions to which you are both likely to agree, even if that suggestion is a wait and see approach for now. The teacher would not be using disrespectful judgement towards either of you (we would sincerely hope) and the element of one of you trying to impose their view on the other would surely be removed.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574
Likes: 1
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574
Likes: 1
Did you all get to the brainstorming part yet? There are many solutions working together that will help your child. Maybe outside tutoring where your child gets to work at their level. My neighbor used to pay an older student to help her sons with their homework. Maybe get them tested if you see an issue as well. Many solutions if you get past the idea there is only one.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Joined: Dec 2022
Posts: 10
P
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
P
Joined: Dec 2022
Posts: 10
Thank you all for your responses.

The main issue is that my partner has a strong need for domestic support, which I have failed to meet throughout our relationship. And because he is so frustrated about this, it keeps coming up on almost a daily basis, and he is always telling me that I need to change and need to be doing more if this relationship is going to work.

The thing is, he is not interested in brainstorming. He thinks that I should do the things that need to be done because that's what normal people do and that's what's the right thing to do, according to him. When I suggest coming up with a solution that works for both of us, he says that this is just an excuse for me not to do my fair share, and all it means is that he will have to continue doing it all himself and putting up with the lack of support he gets from me.

I am trying my best to implement the suggestion that I read from Dr. Harley, where I spend a month being fully loving and giving, and then at the end of that ask him to meet my needs as well, and if not I will move out. The difference in my case is that I am not in a position to move out right now as I am financially dependent on him, so I am taking steps to increase my income to be able to move out if it comes to that. But this in itself is part of the reason why I am not able to devote as much time as he would like on taking care of the house, because I am giving priority to getting my business into a good financial position.

Do you have any advice on what I can do to remedy this situation?

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
What happened to talking about your son's education?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Dec 2022
Posts: 10
P
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
P
Joined: Dec 2022
Posts: 10
I don’t feel that I can talk about it with him, because whenever I bring up a subject that we disagree on, it almost always turns into an argument.

Joined: Dec 2022
Posts: 10
P
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
P
Joined: Dec 2022
Posts: 10
I’ll explain the situation a bit better.

Our son has only just recently moved from a very small school, with only four children in his class, to a bigger school, with about 25 children in his class. His new teacher, while she is absolutely lovely, obviously is still getting to know him, and also has many other children to teach and can’t focus only on him.

My gut feeling is that the reason he seemed to be behind at the start is because he felt a bit lost and didn’t really understand what was expected of him, and this translated into him seemingly not being able to do the work. When this happened I talked about it with him, and did my best to help him handle it. I also emailed his teacher and had two phone calls with her so that we can discuss how he’s feeling and how he’s doing.

As far as I can tell, he seems to be settling in well now, after some initial hiccups. My partner, however, is convinced that I have caused our son to be behind because I didn’t want to send him to school when he was younger, since in my opinion a child will learn much better and be much more successful in the long run if they are allowed to learn at their own pace, and not forced into mainstream schooling before they are ready.

Hopefully this clarifies a bit more about how I am tackling things in relation to my son’s teacher, and why I haven’t talked about it again with my partner.

Joined: Dec 2022
Posts: 10
P
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
P
Joined: Dec 2022
Posts: 10
The issue is that my partner thinks that I am not doing enough. He wouldn’t word it in this way, but he is a perfect example of the explanation that Dr. Harley gives here:

“A man’s fantasy goes something like this: His home life is free of stress and worry. After work each day, his wife greets him lovingly at the door and their well-behaved children are also glad to see him. He enters the comfort of a well-maintained home as his wife urges him to relax before having dinner, the aroma of which he can already smell wafting from the kitchen. Conversation at dinner is enjoyable and free of conflict. Later the family goes out together for an early evening stroll, and he returns to put the children to bed with no hassle or fuss.”

The only difference is that my partner expects our son to be put to bed with no hassle or fuss without him needing to be involved.

And whenever anything happens that is in conflict with this fantasy, like when a teacher tells us that our son is behind at school, he feels very bad.

So I feel that this is the issue that needs to be addressed, and not the things that he raises, because it is impossible for me to be this perfect partner that he desires to have, as much as I would love to be able to give that to him.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Have you thought about emailing Dr. Harley?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the broadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will receive a call to explain the procedure.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574
Likes: 1
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574
Likes: 1
Purple you give these quotes, so you do see the path you are on, one where you separate from your husband missing him as little as possible. And with as little motivation as possible to try to reunite if he does change at that point. We usually recommend introducing the ideas so at least there is some path back.

When you were dating or before children was it obvious that you two were completely unable to work together? Was there a reason to proceed with a man completely unwilling to work with you? I think if you were a man who showed up in this situation with a partner with unrealistic ideas we would encourage you to investigate what is going on.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Joined: Dec 2022
Posts: 10
P
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
P
Joined: Dec 2022
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you thought about emailing Dr. Harley?

No, I hadn’t thought about it. That’s a good idea, thanks.

Joined: Dec 2022
Posts: 10
P
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
P
Joined: Dec 2022
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
When you were dating or before children was it obvious that you two were completely unable to work together? Was there a reason to proceed with a man completely unwilling to work with you? I think if you were a man who showed up in this situation with a partner with unrealistic ideas we would encourage you to investigate what is going on.

No, it seemed like we were able to work together for the most part for the eight years we were together before we had our son. I have three kids from my previous marriage, and we all lived together reasonably happily for most of that time.

I think that what happened was that I had certain assumptions about the part that he would play in taking care of his own child. With the three older kids, I took care of most of the child related tasks, and this seemed fair to both of us, since they are my kids, not his. But when we had the youngest one, I realised that him being so hands off was nothing to do with the older kids being mine, it was more to do with him seeing it as the role of the female to do this type of thing.

Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Purple you give these quotes, so you do see the path you are on, one where you separate from your husband missing him as little as possible. And with as little motivation as possible to try to reunite if he does change at that point. We usually recommend introducing the ideas so at least there is some path back.

I disagree that I have as little motivation as possible to reunite if he does change at that point. On the contrary, my hope is that, if it does come to this, this would be the impetus he needs to decide that he wants to make this relationship work just as much as I do, because I feel like I have tried everything else, and so this is the only card that I have left to play. But I need to be in a position where I am actually able to move out in order to be able to play it.

Joined: Dec 2022
Posts: 10
P
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
P
Joined: Dec 2022
Posts: 10
To give you another example, this morning our son was a bit grumpy at breakfast time, and was asking what he could eat, but kept saying no to everything we suggested. My partner got angry about it, especially since this isn’t the first time it has happened, and said that this behaviour has to change.

Then later, at lunch time, while our son was at school, he brought up the subject with me and asked me what I think we should do about it. I suggested that we should find other things that our son might like when we do our next grocery shopping, and keep trying new things until we find something that our son likes to have for breakfast. My partner got angry about this, because he thinks that we already have plenty of options in our house, and our son should eat one of the things that we already have, and shouldn’t be so fussy.

He was also angry about me saying that he needs to find something that our son likes and that he considers nutritious, since I am very relaxed about what is acceptable as breakfast, while he has a more limited range of what he thinks is ok to eat at breakfast time. This turned into an argument, with him repeatedly telling me what bad results we have got in the past from following my views and my philosophy on raising children.

There were many more things said, but the gist of it is that when situations like this happen, I feel at a loss about what is the best way to handle it. When I suggest things that seem like good solutions from my point of view, it seems to make him feel that I am lecturing him and that I think I know everything and that I’m always right.

Do you have any advice on how I could have approached this differently in order to avoid an argument?

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Did you ever get a chance to email Dr. Harley?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Dec 2022
Posts: 10
P
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
P
Joined: Dec 2022
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Did you ever get a chance to email Dr. Harley?

No, I haven’t. To be honest, I want to be able to have a more in depth conversation or coaching, and not just a one off question and answer.


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5