Hello forum!
This is my 1st post here after reading a lot of the materials and the HNHN book. I have been looking for a community that is focused on solutions and actually has a framework that is goal oriented and based on actual clinical work. Too often I find that most dating and really ship advice is a race to the bottom to point out everyone's flaws and then tell people to separate. I'm here for solutions, as I believe most people are.
I don't diagnose other people, and yet I think that the I can accurately say that my husband has anger issues. I say that due to the following symptoms:
He gets upset over little mistakes. Even when I apologize, he gets angrier and tells you how sloppy you are. There is nothing you can do right around him.
He criticizes .d at the slightest provocations but takes no responsibility for his mistakes and wrong actions. He won’t admit his mistakes and backs them up with excuses when he does.
Now this is only the context of when he lets his anger get away from him. Most of the time he is reasonable, can see his own flaws, and can take responsibility for them. However, I do feel like there are situations where his emotions get so heightened and he goes into a flight or fight response. At this point hes unreasonable, and scares me extremely.
Our last argument started because I accidentally washed clothes that he had told me not to several days prior. However the clothes were in a larger pile and after doing 3 loads of laundry I didn't realize they were in there. They shrunk to fit me. That set him off saying that I don't care about him, that he has to yell at me so that I can remember these things and that I've ruined so many things of his.
Now on this last part I do take responsibility for some annyoing habits that I have, however I have impeoved on them over the last three years. I used to have a habit of throwing things out while he was cooking, which I stopped. I also one time cashed out pue change which he later told me he had some of his sons' silver coins in. I also got in a car accident with our car 3 years ago. I replaced the car and got him the car of his choice. These past actions keep getting brought up again and again as my "clumsiness" and that he is offended that I just think that I can "buy my way out of it". My retort is not that I think I can buy my way out of it, but that I have made the mistake and I'm doing my best to make amends by replacing what has been lost to the best ability.
He said that hes so overwhelmed he feels like he can't continue on and he asked (after the lants incide t) if we need to find other people. Then he realized what he said, calmed down, became the man that I know. The anger left his eyes and he said that he can't imagine that he even said that.
However this is not the first time nor do I see it being the last that his anger will have him say honestly hurtful things in the heat of the moment. He seems to regain himself after but I'm honestly getting to the point where I would like to seperate. I married him, and it is a vow I'd like to keep, but I dont believe it is a license to torture me. I've set boundaries with him, i told him I have no intention of leaving but that I will remove myself when he acts like this. We've tried counseling but he said he didnt find it useful and honestly the counselor himself was pretty weak.
Who has overcome this issue? What worked for you?
