Greetings all! First time poster here! In advance, I want to thank any & everyone who even reads/responds to this. I am actually in a little bit of tears typing it out.

This is all new to me, but I figured asking some objective opinions might shed some light, or at the very least, give me something to think about.

The background[u][/u]

My wife & I have been married 8+ years(together since 2011). Overall, we have had an amazing time together, we love each other, appreciate/respect each other. She works full time(from home) & work full time(though my job is a little more flexible in terms of hours). We own a home, are financially ok(not loaded by means, but we are ok). Wonderful family on both sides, tons of friends. I have been on anxiety meds for about 25 years(not a high dosage). Meds seems to work. For the most part, I am on extravert, very lively, smiling etc. My wife Nicole is a little more reserved, but gets along w/ everyone.

In July of 2022, we had our 1st child, Lucas. Happy & healthy little guy(thank goodness). In took a while to get her pregnant, but nevertheless, it finally happened. When she was pregnant, I did all i could for her, cook, clean, told her she was beautiful, anything she needed, i felt like I was there! I was excited but nervous as hell to have a baby, because my anxiety was getting the best of me & our lives were so nice just us 2, am I ready to be dad? I was fearful that when he popped out, i wouldnt feel anything at all for him. Once he did arrive, it was the complete opposite. I was so emotional(a side of me that i truly hadnt experienced). I would cry in the shower with overwhelming feelings of fear, anxiety. Will I be able to change a diaper? Will I be able to feed him correctly without hurting him, will I be able to do this, do that. I was in bad shape mentally. So I saw a psychologist, got some different meds & within 3 weeks or so, I felt much better. Not all better, but no more breaking down. Then we had 2-9 months of baby life -------- WE altered sleep every 5 hrs at night. I slept 10pm -3am, she slept 3am - 9am( I tried to give her more sleep). Mind you, I understood full well that when a woman has a baby(my wife included) their hormones are a mess, sleep deprived, all the while taking care of a baby, working full time etc. I will say we are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOo fortunate to have amazing support. He mom watches him 4 days a week from 9 to 5, my parents(who are older & live a bit further away) watch him 1 day a week 9 to 5. Truly fantastic & a blessing for all of them. In terms of me. I thought i was doing a good job, but my wife told me several months in, i need you to do more. With that being said, I take him on walks through out town almost every day(unless its freezing). I change him, feed him, I have bath duty every night while she changes him into PJs at night, that it our arrangment & works just fine. We both do his laundry on different days, I cook dinner almost every night, i play with him, drive him around in my car on weekends when he needs a nap, anything I feel I can do, i do it or ask her to please let me do something.

Fast forward to at around 8-10 months old, he is now sleeping in our bed which I begged my wife, lets do a Sleep Training or Cry it Out Method because sleep is so precious to all of us. Finally at 1 year old, she agreed to sleep training. $1500 later & day 5, little Lucas caught on & now sleeps in his crib 9-10 hours a night! Thank goodness for Batelle Group. Mind you, this was sooooooo hard on my wife emotionally. The training basically stated that i dont do anything except support her. She has to be in his room on the floor sleeping on a cot/sleeping bag while Lucas learns to sleep in his crib. They would be in there at 1100pm & he would be whining/crying his eyes out & she had to deal with it & console him. All i could do was text her from the living saying, "You are doing great babe, you got this, your the most tremendous mom ever!!!). I even bought her a Hallmark card with words of encouragement & left it by her pillow.

Nicole & I never used to fight(maybe once in a blue moon) but we bicker. We are both short tempered, tired & I know my anxiety has really been getting to me. I have always enjoyed drinking wine & is has been an issue for her for years. So ever since Lucas has been born, i had to cut back alot, but it hasnt been easy. I told her 5 months ago I need to go to a Psychologist because for some reason, we argue alot & i dont think we can solve this ourselves & we need assistance/objective opinions. I started going, then my wife started to join me. My biggest issues were I didnt feel Nicole wanted to be around me anymore. That it was simply all about the baby. In fact, she told in(quote), "Babe, Lucas is #1 right now & you are #2." I dont think she meant that phrase as mean or anything, but it absolutely crushed me inside. I was under the impression, She is my #1, & Lucas is our #1. I said to her that we need to spend time together. Im still your husband & I need love to. We havent been having sex, barely spend time alone. So she agreed to take 2 hours out of Friday afternoon of her work(3pm - 5pm) for us to hang. Watch a movie, get a drink, whatever. I gotta say, even when we did that, it just seemed like she didnt wanna be there. She didnt seem happy, no laughs nothing.

The past 4 months, my mom & even her mom told me that i wasnt the same person. When I inquired, her mom said, "YOu do a tremendous job with Lucas & you are learning & trying very hard every day), but you dont seem happy & you really miss being with Nicole 1 on 1 & you need to understand your a family now & Lucas comes first etc. My mom said, "Rob, you just seem so short & on edge." They both acknowledged my love for Nicole & Lucas & how much I give & try to do as much as possible. But something is making me upset. During this time of 3 months, i punched 2 walls(not alcohol related at all) because I was overwhelmed & my anxiety was really killing me. Hence why I started going to a Psych & Nicole even comes with me. During these visits, it helped open my eyes to cut back a little on drinking wine, I agreed to only drink wine after the baby goes to bed during the week(seems reasonable). But i would often say to the Psych, I miss my wife, i feel like I dont have her anymore & when I am parenting , she continually tells me Im doing something wrong or "No, you can't say that to him, hes too young" etc etc. Feel like she constantly gives me attitude & doesnt appreciate how much I do. Mind you, her father & brothers are hardcore Italian & come from the old school of "They never lift a finger". Nicole always told me she didnt want to marry an Italian because she didnt want that. Fair enough, I am Lucas's father too, it is my job to do all I do, give him baths, walks, play, change diapers, whatever.

Bickering still continuing, but we also(I thought the past 2 months were getting better). I still noticed it seemed she wasnt having sex with me, no romance, things on Fridays when we hung out almost felt "forced". I was wondering what is wrong???? We had some good times here n there when he went to bed, we would watch tv, watch a movie, whatever. I just kept getting the vibe she didnt appreciate me or care about my anxiety.

Finally, i did something stupid, 100% my fault & I certainly owned it. I left work one day(1 1/2 months ago) & stopped for a glass of wine at bar. I was supposed to pick up Lucas at 400pm from my rents house, but stopped here because i wanted a drink just 30 minutes to myself, She texted me asking me where I was, did I leave work yet..,...... I lied to her & said No. Totally stupid. She caught me in the lie because a friend of hers apparently was at a red light & saw me go into the bar. BUSTED> I apologized profusely. We both went to the Psych together 2 weeks in a row & clearly the doctor agreed, Rob, you cant lie to her. etc etc. I take full responsibility, my fault & i used piss poor judgement.

Weeks are going by & we are hot & cold. I really try to treat her so polite & tell her I can do this, i can do that, i will take him, etc. Her dad came to me & said, "Rob, i gotta give you credit, your really do alot". Though coming from a guy that didnt do anything for his kids, whats that worth??."

We have vacation planned for Punta Cana for Thanksgiving Weeks. 11 of us, all her family(including our little Lucas). Her dad was gracious enough to pay for the entire trip. Shes excited as all hell. Mind you, all i can think & i told my psych. "Doc, we are going to a place with Swim Up Cars, dancing, nightlife, beautiful beaches etc, w/ a 1 year old. This is going to be brutal for me & my anxiety. How am I gonna do it? She calmed me down & said, you will do what you have to do for your son & wife, you will watch what you drink & be ok.

Well, while we are in Punta Cana, to my surprise(happy at that), I was good, I didnt have 1 single shot, didnt get drunk at all & took care of Lucas with my wife. We went in the pool toegther, tried the beach/ocean, i think that scared him 1/2 to death so back to pool. We went to breakfast every day. I took him for multiple walks every day so my wife could relax, be with her family etc. Only thing that stunk was he had to be in bed by 8pm or so, we couldnt enjoy the nightlife. My wife doesnt care about that stuff so much, but I certainly do being a partier. I was a little bummed, but nevertheless, i was with them in bed every night. I must say, the first night he was laying in bed with us, i flipped over, my wife & son facing me both asleep with little smiles on their faces, it was such a great feeling like, "Here we are in a foreign country in the same bed., it feels like a family."" First 5 days were ok. By the 6th day, i watched my Detroit Lions lose on Turkey Day(which my wife knows I am always in a bad mood when they lose lol). She said i was in such a bad mood etc & her parents offered to watch Lucas while we go in the Ocean & have a nice dinner together. And we did, my wife & I had such a nice 4 hours together. Had dinner, had a drink etc, went into the Ocean together, had some good convos etc. That night Lucas was a bear in bed & I felt Nicole gave me attitude while we were all laying down, he was rolling around & I said "Lucas" & she said, "Babe, he is trying to get comfortable., dont speak to him like that." ------- This goes to what drives me nuts, almost more than 1/2 the time I say something to Lucas or raise my voice(not yell) she just demasculates me & i feel like Im wrong, shes right. It frustrates me because she always tells me, "Babe, dont ask me if you can do anything, just do it,". OK, but when i take control, dont question me on how i do it. You cant have your cake & eat it too.

Saturday comes along(2nd to last day in Punta Cana). Lucas is getting tired, hes frustrated, i think overwhelmed & tired which in turn overwhelms me. Im a good dad, but Im not great at making him stop crying or whining, he does much better with mommy. Fair enough. They are all by the pool at 11am while I am walking him around in the stroller trying to get him to sleep, which normally works for me! Not today, im texting my wife telling her please help, answer your phone. I finally get by the pool & she was having fun in the pool with her family(no problem at all, she didnt hear her phone). I was overwhelmed & just needed her. She then took him & said babe, why dont u go with my dad & brothers snorkling for a couple hours, while i stay here with my mom, sister & baby. I really didnt wanna go & I wanted to stay with my wife & Lucas. I hate feeling like Im pawning him off on anyone. She was insistent I go, but it seemed more like "Go please, because i dont want u here with me.' Just my opinion. I went, had a good time. Came back & she was going to dinner with her sister, while i watch lucas. Of course, he was spazing out, over tired, wouldnt let me sit with the family at the Steakhouse for dinner & the family members were like, "Rob, we can bring a steak to your room etc". I was like, "No no, im his daddy, this is part of the deal, i got it." Got to the room, i walked in, i was feeling really [censored] & i punched the concrete wall.(Lucas didnt see it, but was in the room). Mind you, i have never been a violent guy. I brushed Lucas's teeth & i laid him down next to me, sang him some Italian songs softly & he fell asleep on me. I felt good about that, but awful that I punched the wall.

Next morning Nicole is beyond mad at me saying, "Babe, you punched a wall with our son in the room., not ok, how would u feel if our son was grown up & did that. I dont think she liked me response saying, " I would be concerned & offer help because that isnt normal... She just rolled her eyes. She said point blank, "Youre not happy, im not happy, maybe we need some space time apart when we go home tomorrow. Below is the exact conversation. We were texting this because Lucas was sleeping.

Me - Any given moment, i feel like crying
Nicole - Me too
Me - Its not alcohol babe, something is hurting me inside.
Nicole - What is hurting you?
Me - IDK. but its not normal to feel like i feel. Being able to break down or crack at any moment, IDK if i feel alone or what.
Nicole - I think when we get back home, we need to take some time & see whats going on with each of us. We are not in a healthy relationship right now & its hurting both of us & will hurt the baby in the long run.
Me - What do u mean, take some time???
Nicole - Maybe go stay with ure rents or hotel or something. Just some time apart. Some space for both of us. You think about you, & me think about me & see what we are feeling & whats going on. Going to therapy isnt working, we are constantly arguing, neither of us is happy, we need to figure out why.
Me - Its killing me to read that
Nicole - It killed me to type it
ME - I dont wanna lose u
Nicole - I dont want to lose you either. I love you but what we are doing isnt working. Im hurt & confused & just so tired. I think we need a bit of space.
Me - Do you think during this time, we should jot some things down , our feelings? What we want>??
Nicole - Yes. I think we should def do that along witrh what we are feeling & whats behind it etc.
Me - I will do that
Nicole - I will too. We will take it from there. I love you so so much. THats never been an issue but something is an issue for us & its hurting us. Lemme know when you are going to your rents.
ME - I understand, i dont wanna ask u to go t o your rents & screw up Lucas's sleep pattern. I feel like there is a chance im suffering from depression. I havent felt like this in decades!
Nicole - It could be. Maybe that is something that u can work on while we take some space. Maybe see a new Psych & figure out whats going on with you & I will do the same.
Me - I gotta be honest, I dont want space, i dont want it at all. but
Nicole - I know, i dont want it either, but i think we need it.
Me - -I feel like if ure away from me, u will still have Lucas to lean & smile at & i wont
Nicole - You can see him or stop by to see him. I would never stop u from seeing him.
Me - I need you Nicole, your my wife
Nicole - I need u too, but i also am not happy & neither r u. Some space will help us gain some perspective. Doing it together isnt working or helping. We have been trying
Me - So what are we supposed to do the rest of today? I still wanna be with u & lucas but I want u to wanna be with me, it seems like u r saying this with ease
Nicole - Not at all, , I just dont want us to fall apart. I have cried, you just havent seen it.


Mind you, she immediately begins to tell me Im good husband & a good father, but you want some time away. I can appreciate "Hye babe, Im going a little a nuts & need a break, im going out with the girls tonight,. No problem, go for it, we all need that!

I immediately email my boss & say "Hey Mike, Im gonna extend my PTO 2 more days if thats ok. " Family to me is way more crucial to me than work.

We get home midnight Sunday, & I said, "babe, help me, am i supposed to stay away for 2 days or what?? She said "Oh babe, im gonna need more time than that, i have work emails to catch up on etc. WHAT?????

I leave Monday to go to my rents, spend the day with them just thinking to myself, "I am grown married man with a child, and Im sleeping on a cot in my parents spare bedroom??? I should be home, its where i belong, i didnt cheat on her or anything, this is crazy.

I come home Tuesday afternoon right before we go to the Psych together at 300pm. She says "what r u doing here". I said, "This is our home, we are a family, if dont wanna talk to me right now, ok, but i belong here with u guys. She said & i quote "Rob, I dont even wanna look at your face right now, i need space."

I have been with Nicole since 2011, Im not perfect, but i give all i got to her & Lucas & always put them first. I have never said something so mean & just awful to her.

We get to the psych & the first thing i say is "Doc, i need help, its not normal for me to punch walls & be able to tear up at any minute, but i also need my wife n child. She agreed. Then Nicole goes off on a way I have never heard before in my 13 years with. Some of things she said, quote for quote, "I resent you, i have resented u for a while. I had a baby & I needed emotional support(and i assure u 100% I gave her) & i had to worry about the baby, myself and now my husband, you are selfish. I Dont want to look at your face at all right now. I havent had sex with u because why would i want to when i resent you.. The Psychologist, (who usually agree with her) was kinda giving her the eye like,"Ummmm, huh? Your kind of insulting him etc. She went nuts on me, never seen it. Im selfish? I give everything i have for her. She says Im a good husband & father & now she cant look at my face? HUH???????? 3 weeks ago, she was suggesting we move to another town, then she comes back & says lets just stay where we are & build up & out because the interest rates ate awful now. Then in the Psych's office she says, "I stopped talking about moving to a new house because i didnt know where our relationship would be," WHAT???? U told me because of Interest Rates? The Psych seemed very confused. I told my parents later what Nicole said verbaitum(and they love Nicole) & they were shocked. In total shock.

I am at a loss. I love her, I love Lucas. I have anxiety(she always knew that). Im addressing it as best as I can. I just feel like she only wants the baby & doesnt want me any longer.

Sorry for the exhausting post!

Rob H

FYI. My guess would be its me(always the guys fault) But a good friend of mine said she might very well have PPD or PPR?

Two quick things to say:

* Don't punch walls. Not only is it an angry outburst, it may be interpreted as emotional abuse if it is taken as a threat.

* Don't move out. It is good that you stayed at home when she asked for space.

I read a lot of I and me, just saying.

Let's look at it from an outside standpoint.

1. We have a woman, who just had a baby 4 months ago.
2. We have a baby, who is just 4 months old.
3. We have a father, who is on anti-anxiety medication and who drinks every day of the week and mostly does not get drunk. He punches walls and says things that amount to he could break any minute. He does his very best with helping his wife and caring for his son. He does not feel appreciated. He wants romance with his wife. He insists on caring for his child, even if he feels resentful about it. He goes to therapy and drags his just having birthed wife with him.
4. We have a relationship, where man and wife are spending very little time together. They take turns caring for the baby and have fun without the other person in the mean time.

What could possibly go wrong here?
1. Your wife is overwhelmed, tired, taking care of the baby all day and trying to work as well. How do I know? All women are overwhelmed in the first few months with few exceptions. Even if they don't work they are dead tired. Their hormones are still all over the place her body is still recovering from pregnancy and childbirth. At the same time her instincts will focus on the baby and protect it at all cost. Try prying a grizzly baby away from her mother if you want to know what that looks like. She may well be having anxiety if her husband may inadvertently hurt the baby because he raises his voice to the baby and punches walls, until now, only walls, not a good look. She does not feel that she can fully depend on her husband, who is helping, but is resentful if he does not get enough praise. Exhausting.
2. You help her as good as you can, which is great and it is only normal that the two of you feel overwhelmed. Not having enough sleep is enough to throw anybody off balance. You should not go to a therapist, you should go to a psychiatrist, to tell you if you need this medication or a different one or none and how to go about it. STOP drinking alcohol altogether. Alcohol has a short-term anti-depressive effect, but wreaks havoc in the long term on you and on your relationship. If you drink, your inhibitions lower, which is a problem as it is. And it does not mix well with anti-anxiety medication. There are enough instances of loving parents who snapped and hurt their babies. You are only human and your wife is right to be weary.

If you want to be a divorced dad, paying child support to a struggling single mom, that could have been your wife, you should continue doing what you are doing.
1. Stop making it about you.
2. Your wife is not your therapist. According to Dr. Harley, everybody is responsible for their own mental health in a relationship. You cannot say "well she knew about it". She is now a mother and you are a father. Being needy or anxious will turn any woman off. It may last as long as she had motherly feelings with no outlet aka child, but your are not the child. So put on those man boots and reserve whining to your sessions with your therapist, who is paid to pretend to care. And believe me, to be honest, he may not say so, but he is probably also fed up with your "I am having such a hard time" tune. If you want to be desired as a man, stop using your wife as a mother to lean on or a therapist. Sure, you can have 1-2 times a year when you need her shoulder to cry on, e.g. when your grandmother dies. But in a period in her life where she is overwhelmed, you cannot expect her to shoulder your mental challenges also. She needs you as a rock and you are being mushy.
3. Stop your poisonous thinking. She "gives me an attitude", "demasculates me", "always the guys fault". If your wife complains, even in an unnice way, this is important information for you. Translate it in courteous terms as: "Please have a pleasant voice in front of the baby.". If she feels it is too loud, you should respect that and not look for reasons she is an idiot and you are right and don't need to change.
4. You can only clean your side of the lane. Do so and do it perfectly. Stop doing things that bug her. Read up on "love busters" her on this site, things that cause her to fall out of love, which she has. Stop doing them.
5. Your relationship will not survive if you don't do nice things together. Read Dr. Harleys material on recreational companionship. You can fill up her love bank with positive things. At the moment you are not doing that.

I am sure that there are plenty of things that your wife does that bug you, or that she can do better. But at the moment, you are here and she isn't. So start lifting your side and do your very best. Start being James bond and not Calimero.

After a few months of your best effort, she will fall back in love with you and will start fulfilling your needs again. But now that she is out of love and exhausted, you will have to do your best to save your family and if you give it your best shot, I am sure you will.
Also, you can phone Dr. Harley to be on the radio show for free and he will concern himself with your case.

And as to PPD, one of the most important risk factors, is lack of social support.