My parents are currently getting a divorce due to my father's EMA...as well as other influences. However, this has been extremely difficult on my brother and I. He is 15, and I am in college. My issues are with deception and betrayal. I think my brothers issues lie more in the absence of my father in his life, and the pain of it all. My father is currently always with his girlfriend and her 4 children, just about every waking moment. I have tried to talk to him to no avail, he told me recently that I cannot have a relationship with only him (not her) because that is not real and not living. It's coming up on a year of this all, and the pain does not seem to subside that much. I was just wondering if anyone has any suggestions for my brother or myself of any kind. (My brother refuses to go to counseling.) Thanks for your time.

Lullaby -- Sorry, I really can't offer any useful advice on this subject, as I am going through some difficulties with my own daughter.<P>I just wanted you to know that someone did read your post.<P>God Bless

Hi Lullaby:<BR>I am so sorry...there is nothing much I can say either except that I have a 14 y.o. son<BR>and a 17 y.o. daughter and their father's affair is affecting them deeply (my daughter much more). Last night she made me promise her that I would not leave the house. My husbands' parents own it...so I would have to get out. Their grades have plummeted due to our constant fights...she has gone to school in the morning all upset...some of her friends know about this...others don't...its a terrible thing for kids to go through...there is instability...irritability...mistrust between the parents...just not a good situation...try to hang in there...since you are older and are able to understand a little more about these hellish relationships try to give your brother some emotional support...get him interested in other things to get his mind off this subject...how are you doing with your college coursework....I am 39 y.o. and trying to get my bachelor's degree and had to drop 2 courses because I could not handle it....write back.<P>sadforever

I am so so sorry to hear of your troubles. I am in a very different situation, as a mother of two kids under age 7, successfully recovering with their father from his affair.<P>I understand the importance of fathers, especially in sons' lives. There are important statistics about this but I don't have them handy. Your dad is your brother's role model and his behavior is of course so very hurtful to him especially. You, too, might have trust and relationship problems/issues are a result of this. Although counseling would be best, it always helps me to READ up on the subject. Here I don't mean just infidelity (+how it affects children; There's a chapter about it in the book Secret LIes by Frank Pittman), but also the grief process. Because that is what you, your brother and mom are all experiencing: grief!!! Grief has normal stages that you can expect, and knowing them and getting hints for coping can give you a feeling of more self-control.<P>Another idea might be to see if your brother is young enough for the Big Brother program, if there is one in his town. It sounds like he Really needs a mature(male) mentor right now. Any uncle or grandpa who could take him under his wing??<P>Again, I'm so sorry. You are a beautiful sibling to seek help for yourself and your brother Your dad has really missed the boat on this one. It is unrealistic to expect his children to accept this other woman at this time, and he is wrong to neglect his parenting role. May angels surround and help you and your family at this difficult time.<p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited November 15, 1999).]

My children are going through the same thing. I have a 19 year old daughter in college, who has little to do with her father, and a 17 year old in college who hasn't spoken to her father in 9 months. They just pretend that they no longer have a father - they would prefer I not mention his name, and at least one of them has said that their father is, from their perspective, dead. Neither one of them has met the OW - my H hasn't even suggested it - but he takes the younger four kids to her house overnight and there is not anything I can do about it legally. Our only son, 13, is probably suffering the worst - I don't think there is anytime that could be worse for a boy to lose his father than at the beginning of adolescence. He is of the opinion, probably correctly, that his father is insane.<P>I wish I had some suggestions. I know this doesn't sound logical, but the child who seems happiest is the daughter who hasn't spoken to her father. Maybe it will hit her later, but for now, she is doing well in college, has numerous friends, and ignores her father's existence. I wish I could do the same thing.

Lullaby, I wish I could give you a great big hug. My son is 20 and also in college. His father's leaving had a great impact on him in the beginning, but he too refused to go for counseling. Unfortunatley, he got to see me fall apart and not deal with it all that well. He not only had to be aware of his father's affair, but with the fact that for 10 months his father avoided him. Very little contact except for email. Now he has finally seen his dad after all this time. But unless they face this head on, and talk about what happened, I worry about the long term affects on my son. How will his relationships be in the future? My counselor told me this may really hit him on down the line. For now, he is doing well outwardly. Doing great in school, they love him at work and he has a terrific group of friends. I bend over backwards to keep this house a "home" for him and his friends. But he is so quiet that I wonder what is really going on in his head.<BR><BR>

With the holidays coming up, and a year as well of all of this, I wonder why I still cannot move on, but I suppose I just need some more time, I hope. Thanks for your help and support!!

Lullaby,<BR>The holidays coming up are probably exactly why you are not "over" this!! There is no timetable for grief. The holidays are a painful reminder that your family is no longer the family you once thought you had. Even if it was not "perfect", it was your security in a busy world, and it was blown into painful bits. Be gentle with yourself. Blessings,<BR>Jenny