Hello all!!! How is everyone today? Hopefully well. If not let me know if there is anything I can do. <P>You may can tell by my attitude that I'm feeling rather well. Did I have a good weekend? Yes. But that is not why I'm happy. I woke up Friday happy, the Lord had lifted a weight from my heart and I'm trying my best to keep it off. My W is constantly on my mind, but she does not wiegh so heavy on my heart. She is at home now, I do not know other than what she has told me if she will talk to OM or not. She says not, but of course I'm a little skeptical, can't help it. <P>But I press on, I am here to let my light shine and honor the Lord, for what he has done for me.<P>Now the questions...<BR>1. Everyone said that we need to do a "joint letter" I agree with this but my W does not want to. She said she already wrote him a letter when she left and does not want to have any more contact with him. She doesn't want him to know where she is. Personally I feel I need the letter for peace of mind. I do not know what was in the other letter. It could have been a 'I'll always love you' type letter. Should I insist on the joint letter?<BR>2. My oldest (6) is acting out. I didn't strike me as odd until I began reading some posts here today. He started doing this the day my W came home. At first I just thought he was excited to have her home, but it has persisted and I'm beginning to wander if it is jealousy. I wander if he is acting out to get the attention from me that he has become used to and is now having to share with my W. Does this seem likely? What should I do?<P>Again, thanks to my brothers and sisters in Christ, and that would be all of you. (even if you do not know it yet)YET!!!<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

I'm new here and have to tell you that I'm excited your wife has moved back. Another idea to the joint letter is to write a letter yourself and then throw it away. I've done this on several occasions. Your 6 year old has been through a lot!! I think it is only natural for them to act out. But have a heart to heart and see if you can get to the bottom of their behavior. If they won't talk to you maybe another family member or someone at church can help. If that isn't possible, maybe a counselor needs to be sought after. I wish you and your family all the best.

Paul, I hear the excite in your voice. I can only say: SLOW DOWN. The ride ain't over yet.<P>Spend some time with your son- maybe have a family meeting to talk about everyone's feelings- without anger. Your children are probably a mess of emotions and need a constructive outlet and may have alot of negative feelings towards Mom. This has to be a real touchy situation for all- just take it real slow.<P>Just be there for all- your strentgh is admirable Paul. All of us need a good pat on the back. ATTA BOY!

Paul - <P>I am so happy for you. You and I are in similar situations - I have been watching your story unfold and am elated that your W is back home.<P>My situation is a bit more dire. My W has apparently decided that she will not come back to me whether it works out with the OM or not. (Now that hurts...she'd rather be alone than with me.)<P>Although I'm no expert in these matters, my opinion is that your W should write the letter with you (or at least let you read and mail it). Even if she already wrote one before, you must feel that you are a part of the disconnecting process.<P>There are a few of us men that are in similar situations (Chris, RWD, izzy, professorg, Rutger, you and I come to mind - sorry if I missed you) - I pay particular attention whenever one of you has something to say. It appears that some of these guys wives have returned. Although I am very happy to see that for you, it really hurts to know that I will not be experiencing your joy myself. I wish you luck, my friend, and may God bless you with happiness.<P>------------------<BR>He who has a "why" to live for can bear with almost any "how".<P>-Nietzsche-

Bikermom: I don't think writing the letter and throwing it away would help in my case although I can see how it could be helpful to some. I need to see/hear her tell him it is over. It would just help.<P>Covenant: Thanks for the concern my friend. While I know things appear to be going fast I am not letting it overwhelm me. I'm trusting that God will watch over me and guide me in the way I should go. With the kids I will make an extra effort to take it slow.<P>Shattered1: I also think she needs to write the letter. I actually want no part of writing it, I want it to come from her, but I want to see it. To see her say she has decided to give our marriage another chance. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Only when I let go of my W did she come back. I'll have to go back and read some more of your story, but only when I truly let go, not just lipservice letting go, but truly let go did I receive peace. Perhaps you have to do the same thing. Let me know if you need a hand, or shoulder.<BR><P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Paul,<P>The joint letter. This is something you need to use the POJA on. Discuss why you want it (you need to KNOW what's in it & agree with everything such as no "I'll always love you" stuff). And it should come from her, not both of you. It should be short. No two pager.<P>As far as the kids acting out, he just wondering what the heck is going on. She was gone & now she's back. He may be waiting for her to take off again. Perhaps he is looking for the attention. Be consistent with him. Don't overload him. If a child cries & gets lots of attention, they will do it again.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A><p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited November 15, 1999).]

Hey Paul,<P>If you wife will, then both of you read <BR>The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families.<BR>By Stephen Covey<P>It's not anything to go with infidelity, but it's about how to build a strong family. I say read it together, do not read it alone. That was one of my mistakes, many months ago. I read it alone and got terribly angry at my h for not doing it with me. Thus began my closier to him and his affairs. I don't blame the book, for my anger, I blame me for expecting and "begging" h to do something he wasn't ready to do.<BR>It is great for planning with spouse and children and the principles if applied by you and your wife can make a most secure "family". <BR>Take your wife to the bookstore with you or look it up online. It's a wonderful book for families that are committed to being there for each other, including the kids!<BR>Glad to hear you doing good. Hope this helps. My girls fight all the time now, but they never saw us fight, nor did we have an extended seperation period. I don't know if it's age or they felt the stress, even if we didn't verbalize it. It really stresses me sometimes. <BR>Let me know what you think of the book!<BR>M <BR><P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

Paul,<BR>I have been following your story from the start. Your strength amazes me and you should be proud of yourself. In times like these is when you really learn about yourself. I haven't replied a lot to you because I feel that I just can't help you in your situation. For that I feel bad but know that you were always in my thoughts and I wish only the best for you. As for the letter, I would ask for her to do it with you. If anything for peace of mind, Right now that seems pretty important.<P>If she still won't make sure she knows how important it is to you. And to your future..... I'm glad she is back home, Good luck to you and your W.<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

The letter is becoming a real problem. Every time we discuss it she gets "annoyed" and says it will unessecarily reinvolve OM in our lives. She tells me that he thinks she has moved to another state. I think that this is full of...sigh...deep breath.<P>I am starting to think that she does not want to hurt his feelings or that something is still going on between them. I have not mentioned this, but it does affect my thoughts and actions. I hate not being able to trust her, but alas at this point I don't.<P>Chris: These things I have told her, but she is adament about not doing it. Hence my growing distrust. Understood with the kids. <P>Mater: I will remember this if I/we get that far. I have bent over backwards to get this far, but I feel without some concessions that I might not be able to bend any further.<P>She says that the fact that she is home should be enough...sigh...it's not. <P>My days will not be down though, Thanks again all.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Rutger: If you've followed from the start then it is you I feel sorry for! To sit and read such tales would surely be depressing! But of course I'm glad you did, even if you don't reply, it doesn't mean you didn't read. Sometimes a good ear is all we need.

Paul,<BR> That piece of scripture from 1Cor:, is great<BR>every piece of woldly advice I followed blew <BR>up in my face. Right now my wife wants to have the willingness to R but doesn't. She is still involved W OB. She wants toseparate to end I know it won't be that easy. She is so caught up in her obsession she has no fee;ings about anyone, or I should say ahy can,t feel them. She is still seeing cuocelor withme in fact wre going in about ten minutes. I have got alot I'm going to say this time and will probably LB big time,however she needs a reality check. She had the idea to put our wedding bands in a God box. I know the Lord does work miracles. Only problem is his time isn't mine, so I have to be pacient and trust,which I do. I listen to Chuck Swindall everyday and thats what he preaches on. It's great to have brothers in Christ here to talkto. My "worldly friends" can't relate. I have only my testimony and thats enough for the Lord. Who knows maybe they'll be saved because of my suffering.<P>I'll keep hanging in if you will.

Paul,<P>I have to agree wit Chris and Rutger...<BR>No matter how hard it is for her to write this letter... it is one of <B>many</B> steps you and your W are going to have to make...<P>Contradicting her (against POJA) is actually a sign of love (mostly from her to you)... If she denies you this... what chance do you have of successully starting and completing her withdrawal... it might just drag out forever... let her know the letter is for <B>your</B> peace of mind!<P>This letter is going to be tough... but writing it lovingly but firmly is an art we all have to develop.<P>Prayers for you and your W. <P>Jim