<BR>It's all well and good that my H is so willing to work on our marriage now. However, it took having him leave to get the big picture. That hurts worse than the constant insults I endured, the constant complaints and the constant feeling of never being good enough. Yes, I made mistakes in the relationship, I'm no angel. But the marriage died because of the way I felt and that I couldn't stand it anymore. I stayed longer than I should've because of our child. But why should the child grow up in a home that teaches a child it's ok to treat people badly and be mean? Since that point, the H is confused that I left him. He's done everything 'right' now and swears to me he'll change (if I come back to him). All I ever wanted was the happily ever after (my first mistake) and what I got was "nothing's good enough", "I love you but...", etc. Pisses me off! And now, since I've felt so bad for so long, and alot has to do with the H's behaviors, I'm a horrible person because I had a short-lived affair. Luckily for H, this mess no longer has to be HIS fault, I guess. I found something that made me feel good for a while. I'm not saying it was right, but my God I've been so 'worthless' to H for so long, I felt I deserved to feel good for once. And H keeps saying, he talks to people and he never says anything bad about me. No, I've seen what it is he says and it's not bad, it just makes him look faultless and everyone pitties him because of what I've done to HIM. Nothing else matters, except H thinks I'm leaving because of the OM or the guilt I have over having the affair. Isn't my life wonderful? H does nothing but try to convince me how wrong I am to go, and how he loves me so much. Does anyone out there understand the concept of 'a little too little, a little too late'? Does anyone care how "I" feel? The H is out there, and you've just been spoonfed by him. Please, when you respond to these postings think of what the other person might be going through. I'm scared as hell, but I'm tired of being the bad guy. "I" wasn't the reason I wanted out, but it does not excuse my mistakes either. I can take responsibility for my actions, I wish H could. Unfortunately, H comes across smelling like a rose...but I've seen the thorns (and they scare me).

I could have written your post! You are me...only my affair was two years ago. My then H (now ex-h) is a good guy and didn't directly say bad things about me. I just was at the bottom of his list. His friends came first and he is nothing more than a 35 year old kid. His parents always took care of him and then I did. I spent 13 years working on my marriage and thought I was doing it by myself...and I to this day I think I was. I wanted attention, love, and someone to be there for me. I could never clean good enough, I could never cook good enough....o.k. I'll give him that one! I had an affair because someone FINALLY paid attention to me. After discovery my H was devasted and wanted to make the marriage work. I was too far gone....like you...too little, too late. I now made the terrible mistake of marry the OM. He is manipulative and very abusive....but not so obvious that people see marks. He puts me in sexual situations that I don't want to be in, but if I don't go along he could hurt me or my child. He downgrades everything I do. Now I want out and 2 years later I realize I should have stayed with first H and worked things out. I do believe he would have changed and I do believe I should not have left and I should have really worked hard at our relationship. But 2 years ago I had the same feelings as you. I look back now and realize my hate for my H overshadowed my decision. I was letting the OM make my mind up for me because I NEEDED to be taken care of. He said and did all the right things. I'm very new to this forum and I'm sorry if you believe we've hurt your situation. If you get the time, read some of what Harley says. I read it now with an open heart. 2 years ago I would have said 'hog wash' or something like it! So I have been in your shoes! Your spouse comes here for support, the internet gives us the capability of 'making believing' ourself. But in my mind I know there are two sides to every story. Maybe you and your spouse should post together. I use to think that since I'm divorced my ex wouldn't want to get back....but I have renewed hope that even if I have to wait 10 years for reconciliation I will wait!! You both are supported here....take care.

I'm no angel: Yes I have been in your shoes or close to it for 25 years. The insults and bossiness occurred earlier in our married life, however, it did plenty of damage that I had a hell of a time trying to recover. He has since apologized and says that he has been showing his love for me during the last few years before I tried to leave 2 years ago. I am trying my best to recollect what changes he's made. All I know is that I kept trying to reach him for so many years and either he did not have time, or would rather talk to his female friends instead of me, or thought I was in one of my moods so he would not talk to me. So you see, I gave up too. Now, I feel that I am the one taking total blame for the breakdown of this marriage. I will admit that I made mistakes and said alot of hurtful things to him that I regret. It is me trying to put this relationship back on track. It has been very difficult for me and I know I will have to work hard to save this marriage, but sometimes I wonder what's his role in saving this marriage. Or because he's been hurt by me, he should be allowed his grieving period. I too have been hurt and as usual I feel I am to blame for it. It's like when I was raped as a kid, they (adults)reprimanded me for not telling and letting it happen. Yes, I am angry right now. My apologies, but I can see where you are coming from. It does not make what we did right, but by the same token we are not bad people. We did what we thought was right for us at the time. In my case, I needed that comfort and affection my spouse was keeping for himself. Good luck with your situation. My love and prayers to you.

I could have written your post too... same situation...<P>Just want you to know that I understand, and that I care... I'm not really in a place to offer much more right now as I'm selfishly trying to put my own life back together.<P>I appreciate your voicing what I've been saying all along.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

I am the husband. <BR>I hope I am not overstepping anyone's boundaries because of this. I feel that I am being accused of manipulating you guys. I can see how she can feel this way- I have not, I feel, come across as a victim. Yes, I have been all ofthose things that she has said. Yes, I found out about the affair. Yes, I came here to deal with my feelings in dealing with it.<BR>yES, IT TOOK HER LEAVING for me to realize what an [censored] i have been to my wife. I felt that I have changed and our relationship- in whatever form- has improved slightly. <BR>By her coming here, I have received some sort of hope for us- because i beleive in US.Does that make me an idiot? Or does that make me a guy who woke up to the fact the the most important person in my life- i have not acted that way towards?<BR>I'm sorry it took me years to figure it out- <BR>

I'm no angel & covenant,<P><B>I stayed longer than I should've because of our child.</B><BR>No, you endured the relationship. It's omething you both should have fixed a long time ago. But you never get taught how to have a realtionship.<P><B>But why should the child grow up in a home that teaches a child it's ok to treat people badly and be mean?</B><BR>You shouldn't.<P><B>He's done everything 'right' now and swears to me he'll change (if I come back to him).</B><BR>So how do you feel about this? The absolute best thing is to get back together & you both show TOTAL commitment to the marriage & each other.<P><B>All I ever wanted was the happily ever after (my first mistake)</B><BR>It wasn't a mistake. Are you saying you were NEVER happy?<P><B>I'm a horrible person because I had a short-lived affair.</B><BR>No matter waht he did, you had no right to have an affair. You should have divorced him instead of having an affair.<P><B>Luckily for H, this mess no longer has to be HIS fault, I guess.</B><BR>The relationship failure was half his fault.<P><B>I found something that made me feel good for a while. I'm not saying it was right, but my God I've been so 'worthless' to H for so long, I felt I deserved to feel good for once.</B><BR>Which is why affairs happen.<P><B>H does nothing but try to convince me how wrong I am to go, and how he loves me so much.</B><BR>He is wrong to try & convince you to stay. He should be SHOWING you he is willing to change & he is trying to redirect his own behaviors to fit the relationship.<P><B>Does anyone out there understand the concept of 'a little too little, a little too late'?</B><BR>Absolutely! But a marriage is something that should be held sacred (not necessarily religiously) by both people involved.<P><B>Does anyone care how "I" feel?</B><BR>Most assuredly so. It seems he was treating you wrong. Someone you love you don't slam or put down. You treat them as you would like to be treated.<P><B>I'm scared as hell,</B><BR>And you have every reason to be. Life with him has been terrible and life without him may seem "good", but will it truly be?<P><B>I can take responsibility for my actions</B><BR>Good start.<P><B>I wish H could.</B><BR>He needs to. If he is not willing to give the relationship everything he has, then he doesn't deserve you. However, I believe there is almost no marriage worth giving up IF BOTH parties accept responsibilty for the part they played in the failure, both stop blaming each other, both show a willingness to meet the needs of the other & both give reassurance and guidance to each other.<P>It'll take a lot of work on both your parts and a whole bunch of commitment as well as communication to make it better. Don't let it coast to a stop in a year or two. Gotta stoke the engine once in a while to keep it going strong. It is very possible to make the relationship better than it EVER was!<P>This is not a slam at you or your H. It is something to make you both wake up and see the roses are covered with horse poopies! Clean 'em off, water & weed the garden & prune it once in a while.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

you wrote: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>All I ever wanted was the happily ever after (my first mistake)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Yes, unfortunately that WAS your first mistake. If I've learned nothing else from having my own husband leave me, it is that <I>each of us is responsible for our <B>own</B> happiness!</I> Your husband was responsible for loving you and caring for you - but YOU are responsible for making your own happiness.<P>You also wrote: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>But why should the child grow up in a home that teaches a child it's ok to treat people badly and be mean?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I'm sorry - I don't understand how this is more wrong then teaching a child that the promises adults make (even when they swear before God and the world) are only good until they don't want to keep them anymore... Isn't that also treating people badly and being mean?<P>Chris has the right answer: If you were so unhappy that you didn't want to be with him, you should have gotten a divorce FIRST and then found someone else to be with. Two wrongs do not make a right - it's old and cliche, but it is as true here as it is anywhere.<P>Again, as Chris said, we don't want to slam you OR covenant - you were both responsible for the condition of your relationship. But that NEVER justifies an affair.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<BR>