Yes...knowing they had been having sex hurt...I just wanted to die...but he and the slut have spent countless hours together, after work and on their day off (while kids were in school and I was at work) having fun while I was at home, cooking dinner from him, and waiting some nights until 10:00PM for him to come home...only to have him play with the food...ignore me...he had NOTHING to say to me, would sit there and ignore me...that is just another reason why I hate her so much...she stole my husband's body, mind, and <BR>time that was only ours...there is no excuse for this type of behavior...sorry betrayers (men or women) I just have NO sympathy for you...just a lot of resentment...the only thing I will say is...in order for you to understand us (the betrayed) you need to become one yourself...no matter how difficult the relationship is with your husband or wife, it does not get resolved by having an affair...it gets resolved by A DESIRE to work it out and not to seek out other men or women<BR>I am sick of the excuses...no one is ever forced into an affair...someone just let's it happen...instead of walking away...an affair is more often created, instigated, you make it happen...just don't hang out by the water cooler together...don't take the coffee break at the same time...doesn't anyone have any morals and integrity ? Are betrayers spineless jellyfish ? Are betrayers only out <BR>to satisfy their lust and "emotional needs" ?<BR>PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE.

oh, all the weekends he was gone...he missed so much of his son's babyhood...treated me like i was torture to be around...<P>------------------<BR> <A HREF="http://www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#" TARGET=_blank>www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#</A> atp-113<P>

Hi LWB:<P>I like your name...I guess most of us were in love and blind...but we paid dearly for our blindness...so sorry your husband decided to<BR>miss his son's babyhood...its amazing what a<BR>slut can do to a man's brain...they take over, as I said, the mind and the body...to think they rather be with them and not with their own flesh and blood, their own children...it just makes me sick...I could never live with myself...sooooh sorry....but I know that someday they will be sorry......there is nothing more precious than your children......they are not worth giving up for anyone.....

I too resent the time spent and all the energy. OW got H to rebuild her house and he won't even hang a picture for me. Resentment, anger, contempt...I have it all. Our kids have also suffered. They are old enought to be vocal about it and I think it truly surprises H. He thought he was so secretive and cleaver - WRONG!

sadforever,<P>I am sorry you are so hurt and angry right now. I have been both - am currently the betrayed. As for blaming the OW, she certainly has a part in the wrongdoing, but EACH of us is an ADULT and we are ulimately RESPONSIBLE for our own behavior. Your H and my H are responsible for cheating on us. No OW could make them participate if they didn't want to. Same for me when I was the betrayer. I have responsibility now for not communicating well with my H, but ultimatley, H and OW are responsible for the relationhship outside of his and my marriage. H could have D me as soon as he fell for OW and gone off and made a relationship with her after that. Yet, they both choose to continue ina relationship while he is still legally married to me. I guess since I haven't filed for D yet, in a way, all 3 of us are responsible for this triangle right now.<P>I have transferred alot of my anger to the OW - I think, if she would just go away, then my H would come home and want to work on our marriage. Well, OK, that MIGHT be true, but maybe not. Anyway, OW hasn't done that. Blaming her for everything is really misplaced, in my opinion. <P>The best thing would be if my H DECIDED our marriage was worth fighting to rebuild, and HE gave up the OW and came home. But, H hasn't done that either.<P>It is perfectly reasonable to be angry and hurt. But, it doesn't change the outcome - the affair happened or may still be happening, as in my case. We all need to experience the anger and hurt to eventually heal, and our betraying S's need to see us experience that so they understand (hopefully) the consequence of their actions is causing us deep hurt. At some point in the healing process, you have to learn to let go of the anger. It has its purpose, but that purpose is time-limited. Later, it really has no useful purpose.<P>I am in NO WAY trying to downplay your hurt and anger, because I am also now the betrayed, and understand how you feel. Just hope that in time you can find ways to let the anger go so that you can move forward to a happier place, with or without your H.<P>Good Luck...<P>Roll Me Away

I'm sooo very sorry for you pain. Let me state that I'm a betrayer. However for 13 years I stayed home while H went out on countless fishing trips that were for 'guys' only. I stayed home for countless evenings while he went out for 'guys night.' I even made 2 trips to the hospital and he was too busy with his friends to come to my side. He was also to busy partying with his friends the night his dad died. So in a way I feel like he was having an affair with is friends because I was at the bottom of his list. So while I was home alone, and while I was mourning the loss of our third child someone (the wrong person) showed me some attention. I admit I was terribly wrong for what I've done. But I hope we can reconcile and he realizes that his wife and family must come before his friends. I only wish I had the strength to fight for my marriage, even if it meant his friends not liking me anymore because I demanded he pay attention to me. I'm not trying to down play your anger and frustration with OW....but just want to convey my point of view. Again, I'm sorry for what you are going through....loves and prayers.

i think it is just easier to be mad at OW than to admit the fact that i am married to an adulterer. if i can see it as her fault, then i can forgive him much more easily.<P>------------------<BR> <A HREF="http://www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#" TARGET=_blank>www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#</A> atp-113<P>

lWb,<P>That may be a good way to look at it right now to blame OW so yu can begin to forgive your H. But, I ask yu if you think it might be better for your relationship with your H if you caould assign him his appropriate blame and then find ways tp forgive and love him, DESPITE the adultery? I think this second way could bring a deeper dimension to your relationship. I told my H yesterday, that despite all that has occured and is still occuring, I forgive him. To me that is acknowledging him as an adulterer and saying I forgive this heinious thing that I see and have had to endure. It is loving our S's fullt - with "warts" and all. Don't we, in turn, want them to love us despite all our faults and imperfections? Just a different way to view this...<P>Roll Me Away<BR>

It's true that ow had no commitment and made no vows to you, but, from a strictly practical point of view, it takes two to carry on an affair!!!! While we'd all wish our spouse to finally make the right choice (mine never did - it was made for him), most betrayers don't act with any sense until the op is out of the picture. I say, go ahead and be angry at her.....and this is a great place to vent!

I totally agree with your anger toward the OW. I hear everyone when they say that it takes two to have an affair - this is absolutely true - however if the OW wasn't so eager to hear all about his marital troubles and wasn't so eager to "be there for him" then it would make having affairs alot harder wouldn't it?!<P>In my case, it urks me that this OP who has 2 small kids of her own would actively go after someone who also has 3 small kids. I also agree that people nowadays have no morals or values. They don't want to be "old fashioned". Everything is ME ME ME - with no regard for the consequences of their actions and who they may hurt in the process. Well here's a news flash guys - values and morals never go out of style!!<P>Alot of the betrayers have the same response when caught - I didn't go out looking for it;<BR>and for the most part I believe them. But I reiterate - if the OP wasn't so available and so despicable as to go after a married people, then maybe the spouse would be a little more "forced" to go home where they belong to "talk" and work things out. At the very least they could wait until the guy is separated or divorced!!!!!<P>And yes I agree that you have the right to be jealous of the time and effort he spent on her and with her. She got all the "good" from him and you got all the leftovers. How can you compete with that? <P>I too have no sympathy for betrayers. If the marriage is that bad, have the "balls" to separate or divorce first before you have your little flings. And enough with the excuses...they're really lame and tiring - oh, it must be mid life crisis. If I hear that one more time, I think I'll puke! It's about ego stroking - and it's despicable!<P>Well, I've had my vent - chow for now.

Testing

Thanks to all for the replies...I had to do a testing here today because yesterday I was unable to post....my name was not being recognized as a registered user.....????I guess its fine today....<P>AGAIN....THANKS FOR ALL THE INPUT AND OPINIONS....I APPRECIATE THEM ALL....LET ME<BR>CLEAR UP THAT MY HUSBAND WAS 50% AT FAULT FOR THE AFFAIR....EVEN IF HE TRIED TO MAKE HIMSELF LOOK GOOD TO ME BY SAYING THAT SHE INITIATED THE AFFAIR....BUT....I KNOW THAT IT WAS A MUTUAL THING....HE IS JUST TO BLAME....IF NOT MORE TO BLAME....also....when I went through my "CRAZY" phase....and threatned to go to her apartment....punch her in face....pull her hair....etc.....he told me to let it go because the issue is between the two of us and not her......but I agree with the rest of you also, where you say that if the OW was not so sympathetic and willing and had integrity and morals of her own she would have stopped it in their tracks.....at least....that's what I would have done....because I AM A PERSON with morality and integrity.....but will my husband and OW ever know what that means ??????? During one of our discussions I openly told my husband that both he and OW lack integrity.....I was trying to make him understand that a person who has a two year affair with a married man cannot be so wonderful.....and what killed me the most was just a few days ago.....as I was accusing him once more, I repeated back to him some of his own words where he stated to me how she is a good person.....he told me "you can be wonderful too".....I almost fell off my chair....YUKKKKKKKKKKKK????????!!!!!!!!!!

I know just how you are feeling. It has been 4 months since my husband left me for my "best ex-friend which only lives 5 houses away from me and my 2 children 20&18. I watch her car come and go to my husband's apt to be with him while she leaves her 2 children 15&13 for 8-10 each weekend day. She makes me so sick. All 4 of us used to do everything together,sometimes kids included.She told me her husband is a bum(he moved back to NJ)and my husband is just so nice and funny and a good man.After 25 yrs of marriage this took my family by total surprise. My H said to my daughter he will not live with OW because she has 2 children and they both know it will not work.She does not hold a job and my husband is on early retirement because of a liver transplant that his family nursed him back from. We had 2 1/2 months of him feeling really good and then he left us. I still cannot believe this has happened to us. We are not legally seperated yet but it will be soon I think. Somedays I do not know how I go on. I miss him so much. They are both self-absorbed and only think about themselves. Good Luck to all