My husband still works at the same place as the OW.That is where they met and the whole thing started.<P>He quit when the affair was discovered.He tried working on his own but that did not work.We had no money and our family suffered greatly because of it.<P>He was offered an opportunity to go back to work at his previous job with very good benefits.Of course I was very very apprehensive about this.But with the financial situation we were going through I felt I couldn't state my true feelings.<P>They are nowand have been working at the same place again for the past 6 months.When they worked together before they were together every single day working side by side.He says he mad eit clear this time that he would not come back if he had to work with her.So supposedly now they wotk in 2 totally different departments.She comes in earlier and leaves after he does.This is int he roffing business so they are not actually in the office together.They are out in the field working different jobs.<P>So,since he has gone back to work there I have been in complete misery over it.I can't stand the thought of them running into each other.He say they never do but I don't think I believe him.he has promised if there was any contact he would come to me and tell me.I do not believe that either because I think he would be afraid of my reaction.<P>This has me completely torn apart.It is a good job and we do need the money and the health insurance for the kids.He is making $18 an hour and that is very good for a roofer where we live.He is also a supervisor and if he got a new job he would probably start at the bottom again.<P>I do not want to be the one to say please quit your job I can't handle it.I have the feleign if I did it would later be thrown in my face somehow.He does liek his job very much and I do not want to take that away from him.He knows how I feel about the whole thing.I wonder eveyr single day if they might be working together,having lunch together,talking again.There is no way I will ever know.Needless to say this is always on my mind and it hurts very much.<P>When we were in counseling he told him that he would quit his job tomorrow to save his marriage.But somehow I could not be the one to tell him to do it.I felt this was a decision he needed to maker on his own.<BR>Any one else have this problem?Any ideas on how to deal with it would be greatly appreciated.Thanks.<P>Tammy<P>

Hey Tammy! <P>My h still works with his ow. It is very hard some days. At one point I was sneaking in his office to read his email and ICQ history. Yes, that is out there, but I had to know. Yes, they talk, but so far I have found nothing innappropriate, although them talking at all is inappropriate to me. But they do work together and no one else in the office knew, so they can't just all of a sudden be enemies. He is one of those that says he can't hurt anyone's feelings. He did not and would not offer to quit his job. Be glad your h did this. <BR>So how do I handle it, I fix him lunch so he can come home or take it with him. I call him around lunch time to remind him. I usually send at least one email a day, telling how much I love him and how important he is in my life. If I am out, I make sure to "drop by", I take him to lunch somedays. I just lavish him in love, so he doesn't need to turn to her when he's stressed. He knows he can turn to me, now!<BR>I do worry if we have a bad morning, or an arguement that he will fall into her trap, but he's been good so far. It's only been over a little more than 2 months. One morning we had a big fight and that night I found and email from her that was asking what was wrong with him that day, she could tell he was down! UGH! As far as I could tell, he didn't answer that email! I was very proud of him! You have to some how find a balance between not being blind, but not accusing or distrusting without signs and loving him! It's not easy! If you are unable to find him during the day or call him or discover periods of unnaccounted for time, then maybe worry. As long as he has made it clear he's not working directly with her and he comes home to you, on time... Then just keep doing what you're doing. Love him and talk to him, ask him about his day, be interested in how he spends his time, find out when he stresses and what he does. Do it lovingly, because you want to get to know him, not to make him think you don't trust him. Do not ask people around the office ... but if you hear or they offer then listen.<BR>It will be okay, he seems to be making every effort to be your H and take care of his family, that really means something!<BR>Hang in there. Hint -- I know my h eyes and tone now when he is keeping something from me, I feel it when I talk to him, I am sure you have the same insight. <BR>M<P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

Hi Mater.Thank you for your reply.I have really tried not to talk too much about the whole thing to him.Like I said I pretty much keep my feelings to myself now.I told him how I felt when he returned to work there and he knows full well my feelings on the subject.I guess he also feels that he needs to support his family though.<P>My situation is a little different from yours though.He does not work in the office.He is a commercial roofer and he is out on different jobs every day.I never know where he is working from day to day so I can't just pop in to say hi or have lunch.He usually has lunch on the road soemwhere with the guys wherever he happens to be that day.She could be working on a job with him and I would never be the wiser.But I do not even ask him about it.I do not ask if he has talked to her.I feel this would only cause resentment towards me for me to keep bringing it up to him so I don't.I try to keep peace and just ask how his day was when he comes home.<P>He also gets home at a different time everyday.The time he gets home is determined by when he finishes the particular job he has been working on that day.So....it's hard to judge on the part about him being home on time being it varies day to day.<P>I did have one bad experience with this not long ago though.I was coming home fromt he store and I happened to see his truck down the road.As I got closer I noticed someone was with him.It was her!!!!He was dropping her off at the babysitters to pick up her kids.I was furious and pulled in right behind them.He saw me and waved me to him but I was so angry I just flipped him the bird and squealed wheels out of there.I know she loved that.He got home and I jsut told him to get out.He asked for the chance to expain so I let him.He said her work truck had broken down and he was asked by his boss to take her home.He said he told his boss he really did not want to and his boss replied with...."I asked you to do something for me and if this is a personal problem do not bring it to work".My husband said he felt he had no choice but to do what his boss asked of him.So I feel as long as they are at the same workplace there is always this chance of this type of contact.Seeing those two together in his truck that day just made me so sick I thought I would vomit.It took me back to all those old hurtful memories.He has apoligized continuously that the whole thing occured and he knows how much this hurt me.It actually took a good couple of weeks for me to get over that one.<P>I try so hard to not think about it but it is constantly in the back of my mind.I know that this is how the relationship got started in the first place was by those 2 working together.I am so fearful that spark will somehow be reignited if they are forced to be around each other all of the time.Of course he says I have nothing to worry about.But thats what I thought when they worked together before and obviously I was proven wrong.<P>Thanks for responding and I wish you luck and happiness!!<P>Tammy

Oh Tammy,<P>I feel for you.<P>Just to give you a bit of backgroung so you can understand where I'm coming from - my H got a new job, OW works there also, and that was that !! H I think now is with OW as I moved 1000 kms away.<P>I'm doing Plan B, but H is coming for Christmas for 4 days and staying with me. My H has not decided who/what he wants, but is still working at the same place, and presumably seeing OW. To make matters worse, when I moved out of the marital home, OW's sister and her fiance moved in, ostensibly to help with the bills. Yeah right!!!<P>My thoughts on your situation are this.<P>It is so great that your H is back home with you, and wanting to work it out with you. He seems so commited to that, from what you've said. That is the most wonderful thing. But I do wonder how you can commit to rebuilding your marriage the way the Dr Harley says we should - when you have these doubts/fears/insecurities in the back of your mind. Please dont get me wrong - I understand why you have those feelings - but don't you think that maybe they will one day come to the fore in an argument or discussion and then the whole pot will boil over. You've been keeping these feelings inside for a while now obviously, and when they do come out, as they invariably will, I worry for your situation.<P>I hate to think that I will put conditions on my H, if he ever decides he wants to try and work it out. Believe me, if he had to quit his job we would be in financial hardship also, but what is the alternative. To me, its a case of marriage or work. I have faith in my H's ability to get a job - he would do anything even if it wasnt his chosen career in order to support us. Would your H have this attitude too.?<P>I'm not even in your shoes, so maybe I shouldnt comment, but I do have doubts as to my own ability to put up with the situation that you are in. I just don't think I could. <P>But, I wish you all the luck in the world. you and your H sound as tho you are both totally committed to making your marriage work, and that is worth hanging on to, no matter what the obstacles are.<P>I hope one day to read that all is perfect for you.<P>Jo

Swttmy,<P>Hello there. <P>I just got back from the "Yes" concert with my husband and it is getting to be the wee hours of the morning. (We had a wonderous time at the concert! I am so glad we went! ) <P>I have some a hopefully helpful response to your post but, I am not in that great shape to respond so...I will do it tomorrow when I finally get back on the puter.<P>All I can say right now is...don't give up hope or faith. So much good can come of your marriage. <P>It is a hard road. One worth traveling though because you can get through this. I promise! I am in such a better place then we were in February when this all came to light and the months that preceded it.<P>I promise I will post tomorrow. In the mean time...trust in the Lord and know that there are many of us here that are positive testimony as to how well things can work out.<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

My wife works at a hospitol that the other man also works at. As far as I know they don't see each other to often. My wife has been telling me that she never runs into the guy. Last night however she asked me how I would feel if she said hi to the other guy and wanted to know what I would do if she did. She also admitted to having seen him, but not talked to him at work. I told her I would be angry and hurt if she choose to contact the guy. I also told her that I would wonder why she wanted to contact him again and felt I deserved better then to have her going around being friendly to this guy again. I told her that if she doesn't respect me enought to understand why that would bother me, that I would not likely want to choose to stay married to her. I'm really not sure where her question is coming from at this time, but think that she probably still have feelings for the guy. <P>It's tough knowing whether to trust or not, but for know I choose to keep trusting. <P>Not sure I would buy your husband's excuse for having to give the other woman a ride home. I think I would have called the boss to confirm it.<P>Good luck with your husband and his job.

My h. also still works in the same office as the ow. and like MATER'S h., noone in the office knows so they just can't be all of a sudden enemies either. My h. assures me that he only deals with her for business and because he is sort of her boss he sometimes has to go to job sites with her. I have told him that they need to take separate cars for me to feel comfortable - his reply was that they sometimes go over details on the drive over. I replied that they had cell phones!!!<P>I feel confident that my h. is determined to make this work and I don't really think he would intentionally seek ow out - but I'm just fearful of the two of them being alone together EVER!! business or not. I told him that she will want to talk eventually and that he'll be trapped if they're alone in a car on the way to a job site. No, he says, she's too p*ssed off at me. I told him that the anger will fade and she may want to discuss this further (he broke up with her very abruptly and suddently - with no warning!). So I think he understands and so far there has always been a third coworker present if they have to go somewhere - also he told me that she has been going into his voice mail directly to leave messages about work - without having to actually call him and speak to him . I was very happy to hear this!!<P>But it is hard - like when I can't get a hold of him for a while or he's not home exactly when he says - of course my mind starts wandering and wondering - whether I want it to or not!! I guess it's all part of the package called AFFAIR!<P>Every one will have their own take on this touchy subject - obviously in a perfect world there would NO CONTACT ever again for any betrayers and their flings, but unfortunately we do not live in a perfect world! SIGH......