As we all know, most men tend to be very insecure in their relationships or marriages. Being a man myself, I fall into that dreaded category. <P>I am in a relationship with the most extraordinary woman I have ever met in my 29 years of living. She came into my life where I just gave up on having relationships...period! I am not going to get into them but I am sure we all have had our share of bad relationships. Anyway, since the first time we met, my life has made a complete turn around. Everything is brighter and better. I have never been so happy with my life. I feel that my life has a purpose now and this is what I have been prepared for.<P>So I guess you may ask, "So if everything is going great, why are you on this support group forum?"<P>Well the problem is not our relationship nor my new love. The problem is me. To put it mildly, I have a bit of insecurity within me. I am insecure about the fact that she would leave me or she would find someone else or she would find what she wants in someone else rather than in me. I know this sounds childish and immature, but it's how I feel right now. I want to change my way of being because if I do not curb myself about this problem, I will lose her. <P>I am a firm believer of the saying "If you are given a reason to think or be a certain way then do so, but if there is no reason to think or be a certain way, then don't". But I guess it's hard to practice what I preach. <BR>I want to find ways to deal with this the right way for myself and for the sake of our relationship with my new found love. I want to get this monkey off my shoulder and not let it effect our relaitonship. I know there are always problems in every relationship but I do not want this type of problem in our relationship. <P>I am willing to do all I can to change this part of me because I can't imagine my life without her in it. <P>Any suggestions would be very much appreciated.<P>Thanks, <P>

Indio,<P>All of us feel insecure in one way or another. Sometimes being too untrusting whether or not its toward your significant other can destroy any relationship. without trust or communication in a relationship what do you really have. <P>Do not let your previous relationships set the example of how this one could be like. If this new love is special then you should treat it that way. Do not let unnecessary anger destroy and break down your communication with your significant other.<P>I know you can change. I know you will be very happy. <P>Q<P>------------------<P><BR>[This message has been edited by Querida (edited 03-24-99).]<P>[This message has been edited by Querida (edited 03-24-99).]<P>[This message has been edited by Querida (edited 03-24-99).]<P>[This message has been edited by Querida (edited 03-24-99).]<p>[This message has been edited by Querida (edited 03-24-99).]

Your post sounds a lot like my situation. I've been married almost a year and dated my husband for two additional years. I love him very much and he says he truly loves me. He says being with me is the happiest he's ever been because he feels loved and cared for. But here's the but. At the same time, I feel he sabotages our relationship. A lot of times he criticizes me, puts me down, buys inappropriate presents, treats me poorly when we're with other people and etc. He doesn't seem able to explain why he does these things. He says he loves me very much and doesn't want to loose me, but these frequent mean acts drive down my self-esteem and make me feel insecure. <P>He also says that he feels that he doesn't deserve to be happy sometimes. I don't know what's going on with him, but even though I love him, I don't want to endure these esteem-busters. I'm not sure what he means, but if he's trying to pursuade me that he's unloveable, well he's doing a great job. <P>He's says his life is full and complete with me. He does more, goes out more, enjoys a culturally rich life in Chicago, eats better, dresses better. But still he hurts me endlessly. I want to stay with our relationship, because I used to feel happy, but now I feel so betrayed. I'm tired of him hurting me because I love him. <P>Do you do this to your spouse? Do you have any insight into this type of thing?<P>

This message is for Chicago. I just read your reply and thank you for responding to me.<P>First to answer your questions you mentioned last in your reply:<P>No, I do not think I act the same as your husband. In my relationship, I always encourage my spouse with praises and compliments. I tell her almost everyday, how beautiful she is and how she makes me very happy. If I do touch her self-esteem in a negative manner, unintentionally, then she would bring it to my attention. I feel confident in our relationship where we are able to talk about anything and everything. Moreso than other couples. In fact I tell her at times that I do not deserve a woman like her. SHE makes me very complete and happy. But I would not do anything, intentionally, to hurt her. <P>In your situation, I feel that your husband does love you dearly. This is coming from a man's perspective. I feel that he is unhappy with himself, and takes his frustrations out on you because he sees how happy your are with yourself, personally. I am not saying you are perfect in how you are, but in your husbands eyes, you are. He doesn't connect the love he has for you and the way he treats you. He probably feels that the two has nothing to do with one another. Or he feels or takes for granted the you know that he will always love so whatever he does is okay. Which is not the case, as you already know. I think you and your husband need to sit down and talk about this objectively as possible. He needs to be reassured more everyday that he is loved by you and will always be loved by you. Maybe when he begins to feel insecure about you, that is when he lashes out with his demeaning comments. This is not a normal situation so it should be treated differently. In all relationships, whatever seems to be lacking, should be filled, from both sides. For now, maybe try to fill that void for him in his heart and see if things get better. I am sure he might do things for you that may go unnoticed by you, that fills a void within you. I guess if there is no progress, then maybe counseling or therapy should be looked into.<P>Within my relationship, my spouse and I both are well aware of the fact that this is my "problem" and my problem alone. If you look at it, this has nothing to do with my spouse or anyone else. Just as this proble is your husband's problem and his alone. He needs to work on this himself and come to terms with the problem. He has to admit and wants to work on it. I spoke with my spouse about it and she is willing to help me get over this hump. God bless her!! Just as you should do what you can to help him.<P>If you have any otheer thoughts about this, please feel free to reply back.<P>Good Luck, <P><P>------------------<BR>

Chicago,<P>It has been my experience when I dated men who were insecure that they do seem to do alot more to push the relationship out the door unintentionally. It's hard trying to prove your love to someone who really does't feel they deserve you. <P>I've tried in my previous relationships to relay the message that the bad treatment isn't necessary if they feel so good about our relationship. My ex husband was like that to a certain extent. But it didn't stop him from being abusive. <P>Indio, You sound like you want to try to change for the better for your spouse. I hope that you can trust in yourself not to change back and do the things that can destroy your relationship. <P>Be more confidant about yourself and your relationships. We all are human and are not perfect. This includes you!<P>You'll be okay . <P>Q <P>------------------<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Querida (edited 03-30-99).]

Dear Indio,<P>I think you deserve to be congratulated for recognizing your feeling of insecurity and having the strength and skill to verbalize it. Considering all three are required, most men who had your problem could not write what you did.<P>When my husband and I first got our marriage right, I completely emotionally surrendered to him. And then I was terrified I would lose him. Because we were getting it right, there really was no chance of losing him--he was blissfully happy, too. But I was so aware of my feelings of want/need and interdependence on him, that I couldn't see how secure I was with him. In time, I saw how things went and saw that both of us were very secure and happy.<P>However, I have learned that the body knows more than the mind does because it assimilates the whole picture and does not kid itself. When I earlier had a negative bodily reaction to him, such as in sex, there was a problem on his and/or my part to be solved.<BR> <BR>My husband's being very affectionate and complimenting me also helps me feel secure.<P>Our relationship has grown and become deeper when we share our feelings of weakness. If my husband were perfect, then his response would always strengthen the relationship. However, sometimes it does not. I have learned when, on occasion, my husband's response is disappointing, to talk to him about what I need, and then he always gives it, and I feel at least as loved as if he had given it in the first place. When it does not come spontaneously to him, but he gives it when he understands, in the end it feels more loving. <P>Dr. Harley's techniques help discover problems, if they exist.<P>However, I would feel too great a burden if my husband found me his sole purpose in life. He and I have other purposes--jobs, other friends, learning and thinking, sports, hobbies, community service.

Hello Nats,<P>Thank you replying to my post. I have to admit, that a compliment for my post never entered my mind. Thank you for your compliment.<P>I agree with you in the sense that in a relationship, an insecurity is developed on both sides. Sometimes one side is more than the other, such as in my case. And yes in time, I will recognize the level of security within my current relationship and will be emotionally at peace with it.<P>I also agree with the fact that proper nurturing for this is needed for it to be successful. I applaud your husband for his constant reassurring that he gives you for you to feel better. This helps you deal with your insecurity a little better. I know that helps you a lot in more ways than one. <P>I also believe that no one is perfect in a relationship. No one. You cannot assume nor expect your husband to know everything about you and what you need. Sometimes you would have to express those areas to him. Yes it would mean more to you had he had known before but I think it matters more when he is notified of this need and takes the proper action to heed your words. It would be unfair for you and I to expect our significant other to know exactly everything we need to help the insecurity that we have. I think that you would feel more satisfied and content when you do speak with him and he obliges with your need coupled with unconditional love.<P>What is very important here for you two and in my relationship is that we both have a great open communication with our significant others. Communication is key here. My SO is bearing with me and still loves me while I go through this. She give me strength and the confidence to do away with this negative aspect that has no room in any relationship.<P>Good luck with everything and I wish you the best.<P>Regards,<BR>Indio<BR>

Indio,<P>Its good that you're looking to nip the insecurity thing in the butt early. I have currently been separated from my wife for six weeks. One of the things that forced my wife's call for space was my passivity. By giving her all that I thought she wanted I was actually pushing her away by not really nuturing what was important. She then retreated herself in order to avoid hurting me and the damn thing just got exponentially and perpetually worse. <P>Since the separation, I have been doing quite a bit of reading. I have realized that although on the surface, I seem happy and secure (friendly, educated, good job etc...), on the inside I'm so dependent on the opinions of others that it brought about quite a bit of mental passivity. Couple that with a fear of failure and I realize I would've had a problem with me to if I were my wife. And it turned out the thing I feared the worse - that my wife would find out that I wasn't all that I was cracked up to be and leave - happened.<P>So, what to do. I read N. Branden's Six Pillars of Self Esteem and it has helped me tremendously and profoundly. I now know that I have the choice to live more consciously and take responsibility for my own happiness (among other things). And working on my own problems really turned things around for me. Now I am making the moves to start a process with my wife where we can make the most intelligent decision about what to do next. <P>For Chicago and the rest of you, fear of failure can also lead to self sabotage in order to say - 'see, I knew it would fail.' - the good ol' Self Fulfilling Prophecy. I've been known to do this as well. NOT ANYMORE. So hang in there and convince the partner you're with to see someone about their self esteem. They will thank you for it later.<P>Good luck all.<P> <P>------------------<BR>Remember all that no one is going to rescue you...its up to YOU.<P>NHK

This message is to NHK<BR>-------------------------------------------<BR>I was interested in noting that you have been reading some books and have been separated for the last six weeks. What I would like to know is how did you and your spouse get back to "Happy". My relationship with my W is one of hostility as my W is not willing to talk. She just left with the only reason of "She doesn't love me anymore" I too have done a lot of reading and have not found the answer to get my W to respond in a less that hostile way. We were married for only 12 months before she decided that she did not want to be married anymore. Yet she says she want to be friends but need space. How do we as the partner left behind get our spouse to communicate ???

anthonyv,<P>"HAPPY" is not necessarily accurate. Civil is more like it. Finding out what to do from this point is going to take some time but I know that I will require closure if it doesn't work out.<P>Its tough for us guys, isn't it? You want to give her space to cool down yet we want to make sure our feelings and intentions are known. I'm still undergoing the process of honestly evaluating what I want out of the marriage. Until my wife and I start getting into the guts of it all, I won't really find out if I want to pursue an evolution in our relationship. After separating, we set some initial ground rules (no filing, phone calls agreed upon after exchanging emails, I gave up my key after I moved out...etc) Now I'm going to try a controlled separation as described by Lee Raffel in "Should I Stay or Should I Go". For me the book was so-so but the concept of a controlled separation and active vs. passive waiting made sense. You may want to take a look at it if you haven't already. <P>In the meantime, hang in there. I have given my wife some time to let the emotions cool down and done some heavy duty thinking about myself and what I want and need. In fact, after a week of severe confusion and sadness, I felt unbelieveably good when I set the relationship problems aside and just focused on making myself healthier and more self aware (reading/counseling). Now I'm coming to the table with greater clarity of who I am and what my expectations are for the relationship. I think that this has shown through as my wife commented that she underestimated my strength throughout the separation. So maybe the key is keeping them a little off guard...who knows.<P>Good luck and let me know how things go.<P>NHK<P><BR>