I am single and have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months, who lives in a different state that I do. He has women friends ("platonic") that he enjoys going out to eat with and do recreational activities with. I am uncomfortable and not at peace with this esp. since we are dating exclusively. I fear him thinking that I am being jealous, controlling, or insecure. But I don't think it's right for him to do that. I would appreciate your comments, suggestions and thoughts. Thanks.

Shanti,<P>I understand how you feel because I was once in your shoes. You didn't make it clear, however, whether your boyfriend is going out with these women friends one-on-one, or are they hanging out as a group? If it's the former, I think you should let him know how you feel about the whole thing. Don't accuse him of doing anything. Simply tell him how you feel. Use statements such as, "I don't feel comfortable that you hang out with your female friends one-on-one...." Talk about it with him, but never use the accusatory tone or words. It's up to the both of you to come up with an agreement that's acceptable to the both of you. (It helps to remember to use "I" versus "You" statement when you speak to him.)<P>On the other hand, if you feel uncomfortable about him hanging out with his female friends in a group, then I think you need to work out the feelings within yourself. It's unhealthy to feel "jealous" about his friendship with other female friends as long as their friendship is conducted in an appropriate manner. In my opinion, it's perfectly normal for a group of males and females to hang out. If you need support, we are always here to lend an ear!<P>A side note: I notice you mentioned that you "fear" what he thinks of how you feel. Why is that? From my personal experience, the more independent I am, the more my boyfriend(s) respected me. I used to be afraid to share my inner most thoughts and feelings with them because I was afraid that once they know who I really am, they won't date me anymore. It's quite the contrary. The more I made myself known (in a loving way, of course), the more I was able to stand my ground and get what I want. I tried never to be demanding and always willing to compromise, but I let them know how I feel about things. Try it, and you may surprise the responses you get from your boyfriend. Best of luck!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by demeter:<BR><B>Shanti,<P>I understand how you feel because I was once in your shoes. You didn't make it clear, however, whether your boyfriend is going out with these women friends one-on-one, or are they hanging out as a group? If it's the former, I think you should let him know how you feel about the whole thing. Don't accuse him of doing anything. Simply tell him how you feel. Use statements such as, "I don't feel comfortable that you hang out with your female friends one-on-one...." Talk about it with him, but never use the accusatory tone or words. It's up to the both of you to come up with an agreement that's acceptable to the both of you. (It helps to remember to use "I" versus "You" statement when you speak to him.)<P>On the other hand, if you feel uncomfortable about him hanging out with his female friends in a group, then I think you need to work out the feelings within yourself. It's unhealthy to feel "jealous" about his friendship with other female friends as long as their friendship is conducted in an appropriate manner. In my opinion, it's perfectly normal for a group of males and females to hang out. If you need support, we are always here to lend an ear!<P>A side note: I notice you mentioned that you "fear" what he thinks of how you feel. Why is that? From my personal experience, the more independent I am, the more my boyfriend(s) respected me. I used to be afraid to share my inner most thoughts and feelings with them because I was afraid that once they know who I really am, they won't date me anymore. It's quite the contrary. The more I made myself known (in a loving way, of course), the more I was able to stand my ground and get what I want. I tried never to be demanding and always willing to compromise, but I let them know how I feel about things. Try it, and you may surprise the responses you get from your boyfriend. Best of luck!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Demetri,<BR>Thanks for your insights. It is really my boyfriend going out one-on-one with his platonic female friends that bothers me. I don't mind him going out with his female friends in a group situation. I agree with you in that it is normal for both genders to interact appropriately in a group situation. I did share my feelings with my boyfriend and said he won't be going out one-on-one to dinner with his female friends. At the point that we are at in our relationship, he sees how that would make me uncomfortable. Your suggestion about using "I" messages instead of "you" messages really was a helpful reminder again as I can easily slip into using "you" messages when I'm upset. So thanks again for your input. It was very helpful. I do need to work on being more bold and assertive in sharing my honest feelings tactfully with him instead of withholding due to fear. Relationships are so challenging- and growth producing!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Shanti:<BR><B>Demetri,<BR>Thanks for your insights. It is really my boyfriend going out one-on-one with his platonic female friends that bothers me. I don't mind him going out with his female friends in a group situation. I agree with you in that it is normal for both genders to interact appropriately in a group situation. I did share my feelings with my boyfriend and said he won't be going out one-on-one to dinner with his female friends. At the point that we are at in our relationship, he sees how that would make me uncomfortable. Your suggestion about using "I" messages instead of "you" messages really was a helpful reminder again as I can easily slip into using "you" messages when I'm upset. So thanks again for your input. It was very helpful. I do need to work on being more bold and assertive in sharing my honest feelings tactfully with him instead of withholding due to fear. Relationships are so challenging- and growth producing!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I have been dating my girlfriend for about two years. I told my girlfriend that "I don't feel comfortable that you hang out with your male friends one-on-one." My girlfriend responded that she has known some of her male friends longer than she has known me and doesn't think it would be fair to them to just stop being friends with them for my sake. I've explained that I'm comfortable with her still being friends with them, just not "one-on-one". She doesn't seem to understand why this would bother me, and doesn't think it would bother her if I spent time one-on-one with my female friends. I know she isn't cheating on me, but it still bothers me. What should I do?<BR>

Dear Sneakers,<BR>I understand your feelings of being uncomfortable with your girlfriend hanging out "one-on-one" with her male friends. I had the same issue with my boyfriend, except that I was the one who was uncomfortable with him hanging out "one-on-one" with his female friends, who he also has known them longer than he has known me. It's walking a fine line because on one hand I'm not jealous or insecure about his women friendships, but on the other hand I don't like the idea of him doing things 1-1 with them. The way that I handled the situation was to talk with my boyfriend and clearly explain my feelings of not liking him spending time 1-1 with his female friends. My boyfriend didn't understand me at first, but was still willing to not go out 1-1 with his female friends if it made me uncomfortable. I gained alot more respect and admiration for my boyfriend after that. It showed me that he cared enough about me to not hurt me by his actions even if they seemed innocent to him. I appreciated that my BF was sensitive to my feelings. From your message it says that you've already shared with your girlfriend your feelings about her going out with her male friends 1-1 and she doesn't understand your perspective about that. I congragulate you for being courageous enough to admit your uncomfortable feelings to your girlfriend and I admire your honesty. It could be that your GF just needs time to start understanding where you're coming from. You are not saying that you want her to drop her male friends or not ever do anything with them. It's fine with you for her to hang out with her male friends in a group setting. You just don't want her to do things 1-1 with them. Perhaps you can try communicating this to her in a different way. Maybe she needs time to adjust to your different viewpoint. I hope that your GF would care enough about you to respect your feelings and differences in this matter and be willing adjust. That's my opinion.

Dear Shanti,<BR>Thanks for the reply. I'll try to think of ways I can communicate this to her in a different way, and will try to be patient.<P>One of the things that is bothering me about this issue is that we are not yet married. Not even engaged. So, if we haven't said wedding vows, should I have any say over who else she spends time with alone? Do my feelings have any right to be hurt by this if we are not legally and morally bound to each other? Or should I just be expecting this behavior to stop once we have exchanged wedding vows?

My girlfriend moved out to the Northwest two years ago from the Midwest with a male friend from her hometown. This male friend is the main guy she gets together with one-on-one. I think she likes to get together with him to talk about all-things-back-home, talk about their high school friends, etc. Obviously I wouldn't be able to participate in this type of conversation anyway, so "what's the harm in her getting together one-on-one?" When I let her know it hurts my feelings, I think she might feel like I am trying to deprive her of a chance to discuss hometown things with another person that moved out here when she did. Also, since she moved out here at the same time he did (just to friends deciding to move somewhere, in case there is any question), she feels like she can't just ignore him or say "no" when he wants to get together with someone from back home. They don't seem like the type of people who would be interested in each other, but there has been a history of liking each other in the past... though its been about 10 years. Even so, this doesn't make the situation any easier on me.<P>I'm also in school now and have to spend some time writing papers, studying for finals, etc. Getting together with her and the other hometown guy as often as she would probably like isn't possible. And because I live 35 minutes from her and he lives pretty close (they were next door neighbors in an apartment until recently), it's "more convenient" for them to get together without me sometimes.<P>So I'm feeling stuck in the middle. Oh, what to do?<p>[This message has been edited by sneakers (edited June 05, 2000).]

Dear Sneakers,<BR>It must be hard to know that your GF is spending recreational time and conversational time with a male friend she has known for a long time and is obviously very comfortable around. Thank you for honestly admitting your feelings on this forum and also for sharing them directly with your GF. As I've shared with you before, I've experienced similar issues with my BF (who lives in a different state) and he has responded very similarly as your GF in some ways. One of my issues with my BF was that if we were to get engaged and then married (we're not engaged yet) would he still be spending 1-1 time with female friends? I asked him this question. He's come to a place where he acknowledges that we're exclusive in our relationship. I think "exclusivity" puts certain boundaries around the time spent doing things (esp 1-1 which produces bonding) with the opposite sex. If my BF had not heard my feelings now when we are not engaged, it would have given me doubts of him hearing me if we were committed. I would not marry my BF if he didn't respond now (before engagement) because who is to say that he will change after marriage. That's just my 2 cents worth. Trust is very important in a relationship. Another thing I'm doing on my part is choosing to trust him (unless I have reason to doubt) no matter who he's with and letting him know that he is free. The last thing I want to do is make him feel suffocated by my distrust or not giving him space to be with whoever he chooses. When out of his FREE WILL, he chooses to NOT spend time 1-1 with female friends, then I know that he cares for me on some level to make that "sacrifice" for me. If he does it out of feeling "forced" then he'll only end up feeling bitter and resentful toward me and the relationship. So, my friend, your GF has got to hear your feelings and choose to respond out of freedom. I hope she will. Keep being honest about your feelings with your GF, but don't overwhelm her or else she may perceive you as insecure or controlling. Tell her by your words and actions that you trust her. I hope that she'll soon come to her senses and put forth the effort to understand you and try to see things from your moccasins. Hang in their my friend. You're doing great Shanti

Sneakers,<P>You didn't mention under what kind of circumstances (the attitude, choice of words used, etc.) you told your GF about your feelings. It's important to convey your feelings, especially ones as sensitive as this one, in a loving, non-threatening way. She will be more receptive to your request this way. <P>However, it's unfortunate that your GF does not feel the same way you do. But like Shanti says, you can't force issues like this one. The only thing you can do is to compromise. For example, if she is not willing to give up the one-on-one interaction with her male friend, then kindly suggests to her that it will make you feel better if she will only hang out with him in areas with a lot of people such as a restaurant. If she agrees, then clearly define which areas are appropriate (public areas), which aren't (his or her apartments). Discuss about it until both of you have agreed on what's acceptable and what's not.<P>As for your comment about you two not morally and legally bound to each other because you are not married, I don't feel that way. My opinion is that as long as you make the promise to each other to date each other exclusively only, then it is within the boundary of the relationship to feel the way you do. Once the promise is made, the two of you must keep the promise, and that includes working out the differences such as this one.

Shanti and demeter,<P>Thanks for your responses and your encouragement! My girlfriend and I discussed some of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts last night, and I think she has a slightly better idea where I am coming from now. She still doesn't agree, and certainly isn't ready to stop getting together 1-on-1 with other guys, but I think its a step in the right direction.<P>One question we discussed is how my need for her not to be spending time 1-on-1 with other male friends fits into Dr. Harley's concepts. Obviously it is a love buster for me... more specifically an annoying activity. But it seems like it is more than that. Could it also be part of my emotional needs (it kind of feels that way, but doesn't seem to fit specifically into one ot he ten basic needs Dr. Harley mentions)? Where else does it fit in Dr. Harley's model?<P>Also, Dr. Harley specifically points out the danger of someone of the opposite sex other than a spouse meeting a person's recreational companionship needs. Is the danger as large for someone of the opposite sex other than a spouse meeting a person's other emotional needs such as conversation, admiration, or affection?

<BR>Hi Sneaker,<BR>Well, I thought I should jump in and tell you what happened to my H and I.We weren't married at the time and we were apart because of school and he had always had this woman friend from childhood before he and I met.And for some reason their friendship did not include me, I don't know maybe because they went to the same church and I went to a different one, they had known each other all their lives and I just came around.<P>Anyway, I talked to him about how their friendship bothered me after we got engaged and he did not understand what I was talking about.The answer was always "well, I have known her longer than I have known you" AS if thats my fault!Anyway, after I moved away to school, they started getting together more because he claims he missed me so much and he could talk about me with her, and then she broke up with her boyfriend so he was there for her.The next thing I knew he wasn't sure if he wanted to marry anymore.<P>So after everything happened he came around and said he really wanted to be with me blah, blah, blah and I gave him another chance and we are married now.<BR>The point is at first he told me he could never go out with her, they are "just" friends.He thought he loved me too much to cheat.And I think they had always liked each other and felt comfortable and as soon as I wasn't there she was there to meet his needs.<BR>So the bottom line is as much as you wanna trust your girlfriend its a thin line and she would never know when she moved from just liking him as a friend to having stronger feelings for him.As her this, if she does not talk to him for a week does she miss him terribly?<P>Now my H knows it was inappropriate friendship, but then the damage is there and we can only learn from what happened and be careful in the future.<BR>So even though you can not make your GF see it, its very dangerous nomatter how much they claim not to have any feelings for each other.<BR>Continue to talk to her and just ask if this is how she wants things to be even after you get commited to each other.<BR>Be strong and let her know that you just want to be able to build a stronger relationship.<P>Maxini.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength

Maxini,<P>Thanks so much for your response and for sharing your experience with me.<p>[This message has been edited by sneakers (edited June 07, 2000).]

Hey all,<P>How can my girlfriend and I go about telling her male friend, who she has lived next door to until recently and has done things with alone for the past two years, that she (well, mostly me) are not comfortable with them getting alone together. Should she or should I talk to him? How? Thanks!<P>Note: she would prefer not to talk to him because he will get angry and mean and make her feel like a fool.<P>Sneakers

Dear Sneakers,<P>With your GF's permission, I would encourage you to take your GF's male friend out for lunch or to shoot some basketball. Share with him that there is something you want to talk to him about. <P>Tell him how much his friendship means to your GF and to you and how much you enjoy spending time as a threesome. Let him know that at the stage that you are in your relationship with your GF (exclusivity), you are not comfortable with your GF and him doing things together 1-1 but you have no problem with them doing things together in group settings. Hopefully he will try to understand and respect where you're coming from.<P>Ideally, I think it's your GF's place to talk with her male friend about this. It's normal to have the fear of not hurting another's feeling. I think it would sound better if the male friend heard it from your GF, rather than you (ideally).<P>Hope it goes well, whatever decision you and your GF make. I'm glad that your GF is WILLING to talk with her male friend about not spending time 1-1 with him and is being considerate to your feelings as well as investing in your relationship!