My husband and i are spending quite a bit of time together, we hartly ahve any hobbies apart from us except maybe inside of the house. i always enjoyed this, since my family worked this way too. Now my husband is asking me to go out more often in the evenings, so he can be alone in the house and do what he pleases, like loud music, or work quitely on the computer. he get's upset when he knows i'm in the house, and make some noise (i'm not a very loud person).<BR>i feel like a little panic attack becasue i feel that all the time we spend together isn't excalty quality time, and now he wan't to even shorten our time together...am i jsut overreacting..everyone needs some space right?<BR>our marriage has been a bit bumpy lately and i'm trying to figure out why, we've been only marreid for two years, and always enjoyed each others company. i don't really have any close freinds, i moved here jsut a few years ago, and left overone i was close back home. my husband always was my closed friend. was that wrong to do?<BR>i'd appriate any thoughts!

Hi Sammy,<P>In answer to the question in the subject line, I think the Marriage Builders philosophy would be no, there's no such thing as too much time together, although you can spend too much of the wrong kind of time together - that is, time spent Love Busting, and not meeting Emotional Needs. I know the current social/cultural way of marriage is to encourage each partner to be more independent, but look at the divorce rate that attitude has achieved! <P>I'm a little puzzled as to what, exactly, your husband wants to do that he feels he can't do with you in the house. He wants you to not be there so he can play loud music, but is upset when you're in the house making noise? <P>I think the most informative thing in your post is that you said "I feel that all the time we spend together isn't exactly quality time, and now he wants to even shorten our time together"... If the time he spends with you isn't pleasant for him, it's human nature to want to shorten the duration of it, the same as you'd want to spend less time with him if you didn't enjoy it. As counter to pride and equality as this sounds, it might be best for the marriage right now if you were able to find out what would make him want to enjoy his time with you more, and do it. <P>Are you familiar with Dr. Harley's concept of the Love Bank? If his has gotten low, making more "deposits" will sooner or later put him in a position to be more attentive to your needs as well, so it won't be so one-sided for long.<P>Have you read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts? They're pretty crucial to decoding the "Harleyspeak" so often encountered in the forum! <P>Best of luck, and do post to let us know how things are going.

Hello,<P>First of all, I think you need to get some outside interests of your own. Your isolation isn't good. You need to find some friends. What do you enjoy? Maybe you can take a class or something and meet people.<P>Secondly, I would try to make the time that you and your husband spend together more meaningful. Maybe he's just bored? I don't mean you have to be swinging from the chandeliers, but you can add meaning to simple things just by looking in his eyes when you're talking, really paying attention, or being physically close. So often we occupy the same space without ever really touching (I mean figuratively).<P>Finally, I wouldn't let this pass without some type of third party intervention- meaning a counselor. There could be more going on here than you realize. His new actions could be a reflection of some feeling he's not shared with you or something. It might be easier for him to talk about this to someone other than you.

Hi again, just had to pop in and drop off my two cents' worth.<P>Just wanted to clarify a few MB ideas...<P>the pop psychology way to fix a marriage is to learn to survive within it. That is, to get out, develop outside interests, build your own life separate from your spouse, and live and let live.<P>This is not the marriage builders way. Dr. Harley would suggest that you avoid building outside interests, because this only makes the slide into withdrawal from conflict inevitable. Spouses should follow the Policy of Joint Agreement and choose free time activities that they can enjoy together, because by being together when they're happiest, they will deposit the maximum number of "love units".<P>The advice to get outside assistance is excellent. But this underscores the point of making sure it's the right kind of assistance. The marriage builders principles may fly against what pop psychology says, but look at that success rate versus the success rate Dr. Harley had with couples who followed the MB principles.<P>Hope this helps.<P>

i would like to know what is so wrong with having outside interests when you are married<P>if a couple like the same things..how boring and i dont think its a good idea for a couple married or not to spend all their time together

Do make sure you are getting 15 hours a week of quality time together. Beyond that tho, IMHO, it is good to have your own interests...and some personality types need more space than others. Personally, I would feel smothered if I had no time to myself...You may find that you & he enjoy your time toegtehr more if it has some "spaces" also.<P>Good luck...<P>Kathi

bzijonder-<P>If there were more hours in the week, it wouldn't be a bad thing for couples to have more outside interests. But if those interests take away from spending at least 15 uninterrupted hours together, it weakens the marriage because it allows needs to go unmet.<P>Here's a link to a page that introduces this idea:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3904_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3904_rules.html</A> <P>you can find much more about it in the Q+A section.<P>As Kathi says, it's not so much about spending "all" your time together, but at preserving couple time first, then if there's time left over, pursuing other hobbies. Unfortunately so many of us are so busy these days that's it's hard enough to fulfill the time together first!

I just want to say that I agree with Kam. Yes you are married and want to spend quality time together, but you and him both need your space. When each of you both have the right amount of space, you then start to appreciate the time that you both have together. After my wife and I first got married, I wanted to spend most of my time with her, but I came to realize that when we give each other space, we appreciate more the time that we have together. What i'm saying is, with not the right amount of space, the two of you will grow on each other instead of with each other, and if it starts being like that, the two of you are going to grow apart. So do the things that you like to do by yourself as well as him, and do the things that you like to do with each other and watch things start to happen right. I followed this advice from a site that I discovered online... and it was right about that.