I need some heart-to-heart brotherly<BR>or sisterly advice...both perspectives desired.<P>I'm in such a dilemma...I broke up with my<BR>fiance over a month ago (both in our 40s and<BR>have been married before; dated nearly 2.5 <BR>years; divorced for several years). It has been a <BR>month now and we still talk. He still wants to stay <BR>together and doesn't want to break up. He does want to<BR>get married... He loves me very much...<P>I love him, too. We can communicate so well<BR>sometimes, but I always fear the living daily<BR>routine with him would be difficult and hard<BR>to deal with some of his selfishness.<P>Can we really combat this and get through some<BR>of that selfishness? I'm not confused about how<BR>I feel about him. I love him. I just don't want to<BR>marry and then feel like I'm so miserable because<BR>he can tend to be so selfish and impatient sometimes.<BR>He seems to only talk of being together only when<BR>I break it off because he won't talk about the<BR>future together when we ARE together.<P>I'm so tired of being alone, and I freely admit it.<BR>I want stability. He wants stability. Can we get<BR>through the negative stuff and be happy? Of course,<BR>I know you are not experts or anything, but I need<BR>some input here...<P>I said I would never again marry unless I was in love<BR>with the man. Well, I am in love with him, but part of<BR>me is in love with his potential instead of who he is<BR>right now. Right now, he still admits that he needs<BR>to do some changing in some of his behaviors.<BR>Do I wait for it to solidify until making a decision to<BR>marry? That could be years!!!!!! I'm not perfect, either,<BR>but his issues (in my opinion) are more difficult and<BR>necessary to change (again, he admits this). <P>He feels that I need to uproot my two teenagers<BR>in order to attend church with him (we are both<BR>protestant). He says if he is to be the<BR>spiritual leader of the family that we need to<BR>attend his church and that I need to come along<BR>HIS side rather than him coming along my side.<BR>(Quoting the Scripture that the wife follows the<BR>husband...)<P>I think that works fine in a first-time marriage<BR>but differently when there are children involved<BR>who still need a firm spiritual journey. Do I<BR>uproot my teens when my daughter has one more year<BR>of high school left and my son has three years and<BR>uproot their spiritual journey and have to start<BR>all over with friendships, etc.? They have been<BR>firmly grounded with these other friendships for<BR>the past seven years!<P>Should I stand firm on the church issue to keep <BR>that spiritual journey intact when as adults our<BR>faith is already firmly grounded or uproot the<BR>teenagers? This would only be for three years and<BR>then his church would be totally fine after they<BR>have gone on to college.<P>This issue is so important for me to serve as a family<BR>at this time (for the next three years). Divorce has<BR>been hard enough. It is hard to think of trying to<BR>uproot them again when it really would be so helpful<BR>if he would attend with me for a short three years.<P>If he won't come around on this issue, do I take it as <BR>a signal that other selfish issues are to abound many <BR>times over in the marriage after that??? Should I <BR>just say forget it all and be totally done with it even <BR>though I love him? <P>The counseling has been so helpful, and he does<BR>admit his behavior needs changing (and he IS<BR>changing). Do I dare accept that he will continue<BR>to get better even if we marry before he makes<BR>these issues a part of his lifestyle before making<BR>a commitment together? Please advise...HELP!!!<P>Blessings 4/23 Sending at 9:33 p.m.

I would wait and see the changes become real & ingrained...so often problems that you hoped would change after marriage only become bigger afterwards.<P>As for the church issue, are you familiar with the POJA (policy of joint aggreement--see CONCEPTS link at top of page)? This is not a matter for one of you to "cave" on...it is a matter for the two of you to brainstorm all alternatives and come up with a solution that you can both fully support.<P>Good luck--<P>Kathi

Thanks for your reply. Waiting for<BR>behaviors to become "ingrained" could<BR>take quite a long time...how long is that?<BR>A few weeks, months, years???<P>Brainstorming and Policy of Joint Agreement<BR>have already been discussed in depth. We have<BR>attend the MB Marriage Seminar (as pre-engaged)<BR>and have read the books by Dr. Willard Harley.<BR>At this point, however, possible solutions<BR>of attending both churches or alternating<BR>services; alternating weeks; mid-week at<BR>one; Sunday at another--these have all been<BR>discussed at length. There seems to be<BR>no willingness on his part to attend my church.<BR>Seems to be all his church. Period. He "is the<BR>spiritual leader so I should follow him" is his<BR>thinking. I look at it to see who has the needs<BR>and then want to take it from there. So...back<BR>to square one--that being of not being able to<BR>negotiate. <P>It's difficult to know if God is giving me<BR>peace about NOT being together to preserve<BR>my teens' spiritual journey or wondering if<BR>I am being too stubborn to recognize that<BR>I'm wrong. I don't perceive myself at being<BR>stubborn on this issue, though he thinks that<BR>I am being stubborn. There just is no clear <BR>sign one way or the other. <P>Any suggestions would be helpful. Thanks.<P>blessings 4/24/01 7:50 p.m.

If he is not willing to negotiate at all, I'd say this is a major, major red flag.<P>Just my opinion, but that unwillingness to compromise at all for your/your family's sake would make me come to a full stop.<P>What is your plan to get thru the "negative stuff"?..it will not go away on its own, you know...

The plan to get through the "negative" stuff<BR>was to let our needs be known in a positive<BR>way and to learn to respond to each other<BR>in calm ways; identify issues ahead of time<BR>which seem to bring upon issues that cause<BR>anger to rise within; identify responses that<BR>are acceptable for airing our frustration.<BR>That plan is good and there is no problem<BR>with that as far as communication goes. We can<BR>communicate well.<P>The red flag, as you mentioned, is one of<BR>inflexibility with my children...yes, I believe<BR>you hit the nail on the head...as I have felt<BR>as well. This confirms something within me<BR>to feel that breaking this engagement off is<BR>the right thing to do for the long term despite<BR>the feeling and fact of love that we have for<BR>each other. This indeed has stopped me dead<BR>in my tracks. I pray, still, for God to show<BR>me by confirming, giving peace or something<BR>(I don't know exactly what yet) to say that<BR>breaking up is the right thing to do and that<BR>there is someone else He is preparing for me<BR>or that He is still going to be my husband<BR>for this point in my life. <P>I don't want to be a "stubborn Jonah" and miss <BR>something that God is trying to teach me through <BR>my relationship with my fiance/ex-fiance. I do<BR>know that God uses many different circumstances,<BR>people, events, etc. to guide us into His plan,<BR>whatever that is...it's just frustrating to try<BR>and figure out just what that plan is for me<BR>personally. <P>Thanks for your input. You did confirm a<BR>red flag I see as well. <P>If someone else reads this from a male <BR>perspective and has a different take,<BR>I'm hoping to hear from him (or 'her' with a<BR>different perspective). I am 'teachable' and<BR>still wanting to learn what I can in this<BR>relationship, even though at this point it is<BR>over. We are on 'talking' status and continuing<BR>to be friends but not on a dating basis or <BR>even feeling like we are 'getting back together'<BR>at this point--it's just re-evaluating and<BR>confirming a decision.<P>Thanks again.<P>blessings<BR>