This is the 1st time I post here. I have been reading messages posted in MB for the past 2 months and is fascinated by the support & advices MB users giving to each other. Though I was just a reader, most of you were in my prayers.<P>Finally, today I can't take a passive role but to post my problem here so that I can get some advices.<P>My boyfriend and I have been dating for more than a year now. He is in his mid 30's and I am in early 30's. We have been getting along pretty well and we respect each other a lot. Since the people surrounded us are mostly married, they keep asking us when we will get marry. I guess they treat us as a couple already. But everytime when my boyfriend being asked of this question, he runs away or just ignores it. He never answers it. Not a word. I feel so bad with his responses/reactions to the question. I have no clue what is in his mind. I have a feeling that he is not taking seriously in our relationship and he has no intention of getting marry with me in the near future. <BR>I asked him few months ago if he is that type of person that wants to remain single and doesn't want to have any commitment. He said no but when I told him that I want to get marry, he said it is too early plus it is so expensive to get marry.<BR>Now, half a year later, how can I find out what is in his mind? I don't want to ask him the same question again as I don't want to make it like I am pushing him. But is there other ways I can find out? I want to find out if he is seriously with me. I don't want to waste my time with him if he is not serious. I don't want to get to a point that I am 35 years old then find out he doesn't want to spend his life with me. I will miss a lot of opportunities.<P>Any good advise will be appreciate.<P>

Hippo, what does he mean that it's too expensive? I could be wrong, but that just sounds like an excuse. I think if he truly loves/respects you, he should be willing to share his feelings on this with you. In a relationship I had before meeting my wonderful husband, I was with a guy who wanted to talk about getting married a lot. I always told him I wasn't ready to talk about it or even think about it. The truth is he was pretty bad for me - a lot of lying, cheating, yelling, etc. I knew that I had no intentions of marrying him unless he changed. Of course, typically people do not change, and it is unfair to start a relationship/marriage with the belief that this person will eventually change and meet your needs. Let him know that you need him to be honest with you about his feelings. It would not be fair for him to keep you there if he knows he has no intentions of getting married.

Well, this might actually be a good test for you to see if your relationship has marriage potential. One of the most important aspects of marriage is being able to communicate openly and honestly with one another.<BR>I think you need to lay your cards on the table. I know guys freak out when they are pressured about marriage, which could explain his reaction to peoples' questions (I have a girl friend who reacts the exact same way oddly enough). You need to present yourself in a non-threatening sort of way. Make it clear that you are not asking for an immediate proposal and that you are not already shopping for your wedding dress but that you think its important for you to know where he sees your relationship going. I think it's completely reasonable for you to want to know if he might be interested in marrying you someday or not. The most important thing is to not seem whiney, needy or *****y. Just be calm, reasonable and upfront with him.<BR>Good Luck and keep us posted!<BR>

4given,<BR>Thanks for your reply.<P>He said that getting married is very costly, has to spend a lot of money. He is very cautious on how he spends his money. I also think that it is just an excuse. If a man truly loves a woman, I guess he is willing to spend the money. That's why I wonder if he is serious with me.<P>Should I just ask him how he feels about our relationship?

A wedding doesn't cost a lot if you don't want it to be. You can get married for under $2,000. I think it is possible to not spend a lot of money and yet still have a wedding. I'm getting married this May of 2002 and we first started off with a big wedding, but now with finances and all we went down to a cheaper reception. You can do it, I know you can, we are. It's only going to cost us a total of $7,000 and we are having 180 people coming and 4 people standing up in it. It is possible to make it even cheaper than that, but I went with an more expensive Photographer, wedding decorator (I could have done without but I'm having one), and our honeymoon is under $2,000 and we are going on a 4 day cruise... we could have got married on the cruise if we wanted too.<BR>To get married on a cruise is only like $2900.00 so under $3000.00. <P>When he finally does propose to you, make sure you lay out a bunch of ideas and get some estimates on them and see which way is the cheapest way along with what you want in a wedding to be. I know I wish I would have done that at first and I didn't, I went on planning a big expensive wedding not really knowing how we would come up with the money to have it. Sorry to going on and on...<P>As for your main question:<BR>I agree with the last person who posted that you should be honest with your feelings and come right out and ask him. Tell him that it means a lot to you to know where the relationship is heading and that you just want to make sure you aren't wasting your time on a relationship that isn't going anywhere. If you can re-word that another way, I think that is something good you can tell him.<BR>I know I had this same talk with my fiancee and told him the same thing I just told you and he told me it was he was waiting for his house to sell and then he was planning on proposing to me. I was like you a year ago, kept being asked the same question all the of the time.<BR>Hang in there, your not alone. Please let me know what happens. Whatever you do or say, don't give him a ultimadems (spelling is bad, I hope you know what I meant to say) they don't work at all it only makes men lean towards another way which isn't the way towards marriage.<BR>I hope things get better.. I will keep checking to see how it goes.

You ladies give great advice! I agree with both of you completely. Also, depending on how important a ceremony is to you... it doesn't really have to cost more than a couple hundred dollars. If "being married" is all you want, and you don't have to have the big wedding... you could just have something very very simple. The two of you and two witnesses. You can get married at a courthouse for a minimal fee. Personally, being married by our pastor, and incorporating our spirituality into the wedding was important to us, but that's not for everyone. I don't know how it is where you live, but in Florida... you don't have to get a blood test anymore ($0). The marriage liscence is about $90. If you go to a couple sessions of pre-marital counseling you get a 30% discount. The ceremony at a courthouse is only $20. So, you *could* actually get married for about $100. If money is the only issue - this is an option. Honeymooning doesn't have to be expensive either. We stayed at a beautiful state park in North GA. It was only $60/night to rent a perfect, cozy little cabin with all the ammenities. I wish you much luck!!!

Million thanks for all the advices and your support.<P>I will try to find an opportunity to express my feeling to him and will not pressure him into marriage.<P>Will keep you all posted and hope that good news will be follow. Thx. again <P>

Hi,
Finally, last month, my boyfriend proposed and we are getting married in 2002 summer. All the frustrations and suspicions are gone now.
Thank you for all your advises. All the patience are now paid off.
I am looking forward to my big day and all the challenges that I will have to face as somebody's wife.
Kindly continue to pray for me.<p>Thx.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hippo, congratulations!<p>I submit that your work has just started! What are you doing to prepare for marriage? Not the 'wedding' ... Marriage!<p>I found some really helpful resources on this site:
http://www.growthtrac.com<p>Look at the 'pre-marriage' articles. Lots of good stuff here.