I am devoriced with childern and a ranch where my ex wife and childern live etc. My lady of six years now is demanding that my devorice not only is of my wife but my childern, ranch and other biz interests at the ranch and dose not want me to go to the ranch other than to pick up the childern one day a week to spend some time with them etc. She feels that anything I do their is for my ex, the ranch is trusted to the childern and ofcourse anything I do for the childern my ex will recive some benifit, to me it is the same as paying child support the recives a benifit from those moneys no matter what. I feel as though she is juelous of the childern and even the property or maybe just pure possiveness. this isuue has our relationship at very serious point to where she is seeking other men for friends and intrest and I think we all know where that could lead espicaly since she has done it on the sily. She says she is commited to me and only wants me and ofcourse says she can stay out of trouble with these other friendships etc. But she tending to leave our relationship unless she gettes her way. She is a very demanding person by trat which makes matters worse. I would like any commit any one may have, Thanks.<p>[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: bighearttou ]</p>

Regardless of how your current partner feels about it, you are your children's father and they need you in their lives. Please, please have the courage to stand up to your girlfriend, for your childrens' sake. It is selfish and immature for her to demand that your divorce from your wife be a divorce from your children as well. While it is unfortunate things didn't work out between you and your children's mother, you are able to find another lady. Your children cannot find a new father, and you cannot divorce them, they are yours forever. Your girlfriend sounds incredibly insecure. The only way to avoid being involved with a man who's had a life before he met you is to date a high schooler. It sounds like she is threatening you by going out with other men - issuing a "your children or me" ultimatum. Let her go - you deserve much better.

Thank you for your reply, I m pretty much in agrement with you for sure. I love this lady very much and have even put more into our six year relationship then that, but after reviewing things on this site I see she has a lot of problems that I have been over looking because of my love for her, and that is not to say I have none, I found one one right off the batt! That I just came onto on my own but this site confermed it. I love her and want her and from the start worked with her and her emotional down falls, that part isn't new, but now the trick is going to to get her to reconize these traits I have been over looking all of these years. I have already sent her some information and asked er to look at it and her reply was I don't need any of that junk! So you can see I have a big job ahead, the question is an I endure, can our relationship endure. She says I am the only one she wants and if she dosen't have me she wants no one else but we all know that can change with time and situations etc. So it is all very delicate to say the least. I didn't start this relationship to find a way out later it was for the long haul but latly I feel she is willing to throw it a way over this issue, but she is hanging in their but getting meaner over it by each day that passes. Today her comment was I was married to the ranch. It really all seems mixed up to me, I think she is insecure but not about my ex,kids,or ranch but possable her fear of her own actions that would drive to the ranch, kids etc. The reason I say this is because she said "if you don't commite not to go to the ranch and be with your kids their isn't going to be you and me, we can just be friends" I told her we could not be friends for friends don't this to each other. She said fine and that was the end of the conversation, that day. We have been together since then but it is very strained, seems like a game to me, she is afrid to get close to me for fear of loosing her stand, so when we pat I just give her a hug and a kiss and leave, then we talk on the phone for couple hours a day some good and some arguing over the issue.<p>Yesterday I ran a lot of questions to her to try to get her thinking, she took the questions just fine didn't anser them all hosntly, but later in the day she evaded me, I would call her cell and leave a message andwithin seconds she would be retriving the message. This went on for two and half hours, I think she wanted me to think she was out with some one else, ofcourse she didn't know I was catching her picking up the message right away, I don't think she would do that in the prsents of another man or female for that mater. She finly called me and I met her at her house and she was supper cold and stand offish, I let her be that way and went out and worked on our car for awhile. Then about 9 I came in and she ad laied down with her daughter in bed and had fallen asleep. I came in and just huged and held her for awhile and she came awke and I said nothing. I gave her a hour long maussage and then huged her and gave her a few kiss on the check and then got up said nothing and left, very hurt ofcourse. This morning she was a little hostile on the phone when we talked about the ranch and tonight she seemed sowhat comfortable after talking about a lot of other stuff, but nothing on the ranch and the kids. So give me your input Thanks.

Speaking as a child with father hunger, don't let anything stand in the way of having a relationship with your kids. Your choice will be the result of life long effects on your children's relationship issues. Maybe if you involve your new wife so she feels like a part of the work you are doing she will understand more. The children are a gift from God and should be treated as such. Good Luck!

Thank you for your rely, I agree with you 1000% My lady dose't not want to interface with me x and she dosen't want to deal with the kids either, she has a hard time dealing with her own 6 year old and wants to leave her with her father! I don't think she can do this at least for long because I know she loves her very much. And I love her so very much just telling her to jump off the curb is out of the question to me this is not a game but it is appearing that if she can't have her way she will turn our last 6+ years of dating and work together into a cheap game. I am in constant deprision over all this to the point of at times have a loss of all my strengh and this situation is getting more serious as each day goes by and it isnt good for any one involved. I am at a loss on how to get through to her so she can see her follie. Looking for any ideas.

The hardest part of all this, bigheart, is there's absolutely nothing you can do. That took me a long time to learn. You can change yourself, but you can't change someone else, no matter how long you try to "get through" to her. The best you can do is decide what your own boundaries are, explain them as gently as you can, and stick to them. At that point the ball is in her court.<p>The problem is that she doesn't seem willing to budge at all or I would suggest getting together and negotiating a schedule for you visiting the ranch. (avoiding LB of course!) [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Do you think she'd be open to negotiating?

younglove you are right their is nothing to do unless one wants to play little games, which Iiiii am not into. We have talked about this sitution for months and when we come up with a plan it is fine for awhile then she wants ess time with kids or on the ranch which says will take time away from her and I, sh claims. Then she feels as they get in teens heir will more things to handle and she wants no part of that. She wants me to move away anywhere so as not to be near the kids or ranch! Otherwise she has left our relationship, but says she will always love me and wants only me, othe wise she just wants friends which is working on a very spical one as I write. I have caught her out with this person twice now and tonight after work she picked up a Pizza and went to hs house with her daugter for dinner and wont answer the phone, after last night having dinner out at kfc with him and daughter then taking daughter to grandma's for night then she and him driving into haus grage and closing the door and turning off the out side lights! Then she called me on the cell and asked where she was and she said on the back pourch and I asked three times till she said on the back pourch at Her house! Then I asked why she was lying to me when I just saw her drive in this mans grarge? She became very quite and then we talked for an hour. Said she was just their to talk with him etc. I told her she needed to come out and meet me talk and she refused saying your married to the ranch and you kids!!! I asked her several times and she didn't budge. So I told her or else get my belongs together and you can have this man care for you and she said you pick them any time. But she took off with my car today and none of my things were ready to be picked up. She stayed their till about 11:30 then went home and called me and wetalked another hour or so with no head way. We talked about 4 times to day and traded 5 or 6 messages but at this writing 9:20 pM she is still at this mans house. So whats up who knows for sure, is it a game to try and blackmail me into submissin? Or is it greener pasture etc? Or what? I feel I need to just take my things and leave the ball in her court and if she comes to me work from their and if not just figure I just got had and try to bring myself through in one picece. Your comments are very welcome for I really do love her and want to do the right thing for all of us concered.

Boy, you guys sure talk on the phone an awful lot. What do you say to each other for an hour with her hiding in another man's house? Bigheart, what are YOU getting out of this relationship?<p>I know, that's a selfish way to look at it, and ordinarily I would agree it's a very non-MB thing to do. But there are two important differences here which I think makes a deviation from MB principles okay - even smart: first, you're not married to this woman, so you're not trying to keep eternal vows; and second, you're beating your head against the wall trying to please a woman who seems awfully cruel to you and your children.<p>So, bigheart, what are you getting out of this relationship?

younglove, nothing but, hurt, heartacke, and oh yes exspence! Thanks for your replys they are helpfull to me any way, I know I am not total nuts!!!! You are right and that is why I feel it only right that I stick to the ultamatume and follow through no matter how much it hurts now and the rest of my life. I think on the other side the hurt will be less then the hurt during the banner back and forth. I can make all kind of excuses for her but the fact remains she could trust and lean on me to get through her problems as she has done all these years past if she loves me enough the way she says she does. I told her today she needs to choose which means more herlove and want of me or her desaire not to have me spend time with my kids and their ranch which produces a benifit to all of us. she said her love for me is more important! so whats the problem??? (I would think comprimise and move on, I guess I am to rational, till it come to let go of her), we'll see I guess but I am not going to let this issue go on and on without a decide commitment and having our relationship getting back on track. She says the man is just a friend providing her space to think things out (those are my words and conclution and I know thatis not his intentions though, so this situation is very dangours and must come to an end right away or it could become more to her because his situation is very simple and easy no strings in his life at least he says it is that way)<p>yes she is being more than crule to me and the hurt is almost unbearabl after enjoying so many years of good from her, it is almost like she is posesed, she has become a totaly deffernt person. Some say it is because she turned forty in june I dont have a clue on that. She claims she never made any commitments to me other then to love me forever???!!!! I can not figure that out for the life of me, how did I make all the commitments to her and she only make one to love me for ever?? she just flat refuses to ackownalge any of the commitments that she has made. Messed up gal huh? <p>I have told her if we break up we can not be friends, for friends don't do this to each other. Am I right to feel this way?? What do you or anyone think about me sending this dialog to her? I have sent her a few things of the we site, at frist she said I don't need that junk and claims she didn't read them but through conversation she mentioned things that were at the end of the articles! and the last one I sent her she just opened about an hour ago, nd I am sure she read it if she opened it and they are done so well that once you start reading you cann't stop till finnished. <p>I think some of what is going on is because of other peoples comments about my baggage and the responsiblity she would assume when we became married etc.