My BF and I have been together for 2 years. I broke up last July as I was just getting nowhere. My BF has told me alot of lies. It admits them now but says they were to intentionally hurt me, it was just easier for me not tell the whole truth. He has alot of anger from his marriage. He was married for 8 years and she had an affair and left. He never cared about what he did, how is day was or any emotional stuff. So now, I have had to train him to share. Letting him know that I care about him and what to know how his day was. That I am proud of him and all. He started sharing more with little things like that, but then the bigger things were still a problem. He was giving excuses after excuses on living together completely (was just living there, not paying rent), his divorce being final, money issues, etc. Another thing is talking. He never liked to talk with me. I am a talker. Even just my feelings, I felt were just slammed back down my throat. I started just keeping it all in. <p>Pretty much, we got back together after 2 wks as he was persistent in contacting me. I wouldn't do it unless he was to get his divorce filed and move in completely. He said all this first and even added other things that we could do as a couple. He said that he was sorry for not listening to me more and that he would be there for me more. I was stunned. <p>Well, after 1 month, his divorce was filed, he was paying rent and bills with no problem. However, he wasn't completely moving his stuff all in. He kept his mail and other belongings still at his mom's house. This bothered me. Like keeping an escape route. The communication was bad too. I found myself feeling really bad and just holding everything in. In September, I went into counseling. I was very depressed and didn't like myself very much. Everything I felt was wrong. I felt useless as a woman and as a human. My therapist reiterated that my feelings were justified. I asked him to do counseling with me and he didn't feel we were at that point yet.
Well, things continued to get worse in the relationship, however, I was feeling better about myself with counseling.
Well, he broke up on Thanksgiving day. I had to read between the lines, but I got the hint and he finally said it. The next day he called and wanted to talk. Not sure if right thing to do. Well, he ended up moving his stuff out anyway. Ever since that day, he has called and said he missed me and loved me and wanted to be together, so I would lean towards that, and then he would say, but we cant be BF and GF. So I said well I can't be just friends. This has continued to happened every other day. My emotional strain was incredible. I don't sleep and have headaches every day. I don't care about anything anymore which makes me mad cause I have too many responsibilities to let them all go to pot. One being my 7 yr old son. I too am divorced where my husband left me and admitted to an affair.
Well, over the holiday break, i spend two weeks doing nothing. I thought and thought. I finally was able to forgive him and come to terms with my loneliness. I was okay. With that, and talking with him, made me feel that he really did love me and wanted us to be together. He has been persistent for two months about us. <p>Now, we are BF and GF for 4 days now. He is in counseling (2 visits so far). We agreed to do couples counseling together but he needs to check with his insurance. He says he loves me so much and misses me and wants us to be together. I did alot of soul searching and was able to admit to me alot that he did which helped me alot.
I am not bummed again. I was so excited for us to be back together. I was send him pages, with I love you so much, etc. Couldnt' wait to see him, etc. I was on cloud nine. Well, I can tell we are both kinda touchy on things and it leaves us feeling weird. He has focused alot on that it might not work. We were paging back and forth and I said how much i loved him, he siad I love you more, I said, with our love, we will be together forever. He said, that is possible. "poppled by balloon". Ever since then I have been depressed about this. He got mad at me for not replying back to an I love you page, but yet, he hasn't sent me one for two days. I sent two pages to him yesterday as well as just hide my depressed feelings and just try to smile so that he will be nicer.
I just want someone to love me. I just bought the His Needs Her Needs book and it is so true how in order to make things work again, you must find that love. When the positive is there, the positive will follow. That is so true. I am grabbing at straws now for him to show me he loves me. For some reason, it stopped. Maybe, it is because we both were edgey at first. I don't know. I keep trying to just smile. I am thinking of sending an I love you page today, but part of me says no wait for him. But I don't like playing those games. Now I am afraid to even bring anything up as he thinks I am the one thinking negatively and I don't know if he will just end it.
I want to be with him but I also want him to do what he says. I told him that I forgave and do have faith in him to make this work. I was/am so excited to be with him again, and now it hurts again. Everyone says dump him. It is like we need couples counseling right now. <p>Any suggestions would be appreciated. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

A couple of questions as I try to understand the situation:<p>when you broke up with your BF last July, what does "because it was getting nowhere" mean? Were you looking for marriage, and he not thinking so seriously?<p>He called you back after the Thanksgiving breakup, saying "we can't be BF and GF". How did you get from there to "we have been BF and GF for four days now"?<p>This jumped out at me from your post: "I just want someone to love me." It is very difficult to be lonely, but to stay in a relationship that has run its course is much more difficult than adjusting to being alone for a while.<p>How are things now? Did you send the page? Is he living with you now? Did he finish moving in his stuff?<p>Keep posting, and take care.

Thanks for your reply.
We I broke up in July, it was going nowhere in the sense that our communication was not getting any better. Yes, we were talking about marriage. We were planning on buying a house and all. We actually bought a truck together, which he drives. Which I know now that was not the right thing to do unless you are engaged or married. I could never talk to him about my feelings. My feelings were always wrong. It is my understanding that everyones feelings are right. I just wanted him to acknowledge my feelings and respect. I wasn't saying he had to agree, just acknowledge mine. We as men and women thing differently, he always said it doesnt make sense, he can't understand. Well, of course, he couldn't, he isn't on the same wave length. Just support one another and maybe ask what can we do or how can i help. The "going nowhere" also implies that he was giving me the run around (or excuses) alot on things. That is why when we got back together, he needed to actually do the things ..... file for divorce, commit to living together financially, etc. He agreed and did them all with no problem.<p>Then things got bad after a month. On Turkey day, he ended it. He again didn't want to hear my feelings. Which was funny because they were questions on things he was doing, and when I tried to talk to him about them, he would get bad and turn the blame onto me. That was very frustrating to me. Then a couples days after we broke up, he admitted that he did all those things but couldn't take the blame, so he made me take it. It was easier for him. The frustration didn't help my depression as I felt useless as a women with my feelings. BUt once he admitted, I felt better, like I was normal, and right.
Since then, it has been an every other day thing. At first he wanted to do just friends, but yet hang out like BF & GF. I couldn't do it. So then we continued to go back and forth. We both new we wanted to be together, just didn't know how. So it wasn't until a week ago, that he decided he wanted to be commited again as BF & GF. So we did it. No, he didn't move back in, we both agree that is not the right thing right now. <p>So much has happened between us in a negative way after the past 4 months, that it is hard to figure out what is going on. He did so many things while we were broke up to show his love, but now that we are back together, it has slowed down.
I had a therapy yesterday and she said that I am really obsessed with needing his love. That is true. He hurt me really bad and use to do alot of things to show his love. Now after all that has happened, I am willing to give it a try, but I really need his reassurance still on his love for me. I use to get at least 3 pages a day, and at least 2 calls a day from him. Now it is just a reply page to one of mine and one call at night.
I am trying not to focus so much on needing that reply, just knowing that he loves me is what I have to focus on while getting thru this. When I talk to him, I am trying to be positive and upbeat. No one likes talking to someone who is down and negative. That is the case with me too. Last night was the first night that his tone was nice. Since Monday, it has been very dry and negative. It could be to me or the cause of something else. I don't know, but I just know that right now, we need positiveness and when there is negativity it makes us insecure. We are in a rough time right now, and it is up to us to pull thru this. I am trying not to focus on this on a daily basis anymore as I cause more anxiety. I can't help thinking at this moment, if he is having second thoughts about us now. Maybe, like my husband, he realized with a few counseling appts, that he doesn't love me anymore. I am scared of that. I don't want to get hurt again, and I tend to protect my self.
I can't go to my counselor anymore, but I can see her husband. She will go over my history with him. However, we can see my counselor for couples counseling thru his insurance. So, now he just needs to call his insurance company and get approval. Now, lets just see how important it is to him. He is a big procrastinator and it can be disappointing.
I just don't know how to stop these feelings and convince myself to stop focusing on this. It is hard, I love him so much and he hurt me really bad.

Honey, please wake up and smell the coffee!! Your BF is not ready for a serious relationship or commitment to anyone at this point. It appears that he has alot of growing up and maturing to do!! In the meantime you need to take all that energy that you are wasting on him and re-direct it to your child and yourself. Invest in yourself!! You have to live your life to the fullest with or without your BF. Stop focusing on him and his selfish decisions and start rebuilding your self esteem and moving forward with your desires, goals and dreams. Your BF is using your weakness for him to manipulate and control the relationship. I know his type. You have to stand up and be your own woman Girl!!! Snap out of it!!! You are a strong independent young woman and will make it through this. Please don't let him drain you this way....you deserve better!!! Put your foot down and start with little steps forward towards your future. I was once in your shoes, unfortunately, I was married to my loser, you still have hope!!! He is just your BF. Don't make the same mistakes that I and so many other women have made. Get yourself together and get out while you can. Stop wasting your time with someone who is not ready for reality!! God Bless and Good Luck!!! I will keep you in my prayers......

Hello dlp2002,<p>Everyone wants to be loved. I am a bit concerned about your obsession for this man's love. You worry that his attention and affection have cooled down.
Why do you need his constant reassurance that you are loved? Are you maybe feeling that you are unworthy of being loved?
From what you have written, it is clear that this man cares for you. But you should not use his validation to feel like a useful person. You must find this validation within yourself first.<p>You mentioned your ex-husband very briefly. Perhaps you should reflect on why that relationship broke apart. Which ENs was the OW fulfilling, that you were not? It is only when you admit to yourself what part you played in the breakup of that relationship, that you can learn from it and grow as a person.<p>Also, please be careful not to be a burden to this man, who may feel that whatever he does is never enough proof of his love for you.
The more you try to tie him to you (with love pages when things are going well and with headaches and depression when things are falling apart), the more he will struggle to find an escape route, like a fly trying to get away from a spider.<p>I guess this may not be what you want to hear, but I really hope you will continue talking to your counsellor. My prayers go out to you,<p>Take care.

dlp2002,<p>how are you? did things work out with seeing your counselor's husband? (he's also a therapist, right?) [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi DLP2002,<p>Just checking on you to see how you are coming along. I hadn't been on the web in a few days and thought about you once I logged in. Did not see any replies from you listed............but I do hope that things are okay with you. Keep us posted.....