My fiance and I have had to most wonderful relationship until our engagement. He proposed last December 2001 and our wedding is this December 2002. The past 6 months have been completely different as far as our relationship. We both know that and agree that things have changed. I feel as though he is able to just live without me and that he wouldn't really mind living without me. He is divorced twice and I have never been married. I have a child from prior 7 year relationship and he has a child living out of state from 1st marriage. We met and dated for 2 years before moving in together. And even then the relationship was loving and just perfect. He proposed after 1 year of living together. Even the proposal and beginning of our engagement was the best. But now that our wedding is getting closer, I really believe things have changed. We just had a serious discussion about this which resulted in me giving back my engagement ring in tears. My fiancee told me that he loves me with all his heart and knows that he doesn't show that enough, and also says that he just doesn't feel as though he can give me all I deserve in a partner and stepfather. He told me that I am the most giving and caring person and he knows he should be doing more for me and for my son, BUT that he finds himself not doing that and doesn't know why. And he feels like doing more is a chore or that he is not really into doing it. He does not know why he has gotten "disconnected" and thinks that maybe he may be scared a bit due to being married prior and also that not being around his own son when his son was the same age as mine, may be a problem too. He also says that even though his family was there growing up, it was totally different than my family life and he feels that may be a contributor too. His own family growing up was always on the move, his mom had 4 husbands, and it just wasn't the "normal" loving family life like I had. He says he doesn't want me to think that any of that is an excuse, but he just wonders if a combination of being married prior and also his family background may be contributors. He just doesn't feel like he is "good enough" for me and thinks I deserve more. Yet, he told me that he loves me with all his heart and does want to get married still and he proposed again vowing to do whatever we can to make it work. So here I am. Should we start counseling? Is this relationship ever going to be able to be repaired? If we are both truly committed to each other, can we get through this? Are these feelings he is having a result of being scared that the big day is 4 months away? I just am posting this because I want to get some kind of idea where we should start....

Hi MMazz1,

It sounds like there are a lot of different things going on here.

On the one hand, it sounds like there is still a strong love between the two of you. The emotions and language being exchanged is what makes me believe that. But it also sounds like there are very deep issues on your fiance's part that may be surfacing on the eve of your future committment to each other. Have you always had a very open and honest communication like in your relationship?

How old are you both? Is there a large age gap?

It sounds like he never had a stable role model growing up that showed him what a committed marriage was all about. Perhaps he's beginning to face that after two previously failed marriages of his own. He says he knows what he should be providing and that he wants to provide it, but doesn't know how? Or doesn't have the motivation? that is question he needs to answer. Why doesn't he feel he can fulfill those needs for you?

I think counseling is a terrific idea - especially since you are about to be married! There is never a reason to rush into something that serious though. If you are not completely comfortable with the current situation, you might want to consider post-poning the date until you can learn more about what these changes all mean.

I suggest you seek counseling asap if you are going through with the wedding.

Keep us posted and good luck!

To answer your questions:

1. Yes, we have always had a very open and honest line of communication in our relationship. I tell him all and he tells me all, whether good or bad.

2. I am turning 32 and he is turning 41.

3. He said he doesn't have the motivation to do more and doesn't understand why. That is what scares him the most and upsets him the most by making him worry about not being all that both me and my son deserve. (and that is his words)

I am going to discuss counseling with him for sure and see what we can do. Writing all of this here and getting responses helps alot too.

It just seems to me that if you're planning a wedding and he says he still loves you, why would his motivation to treat you well be diminishing? That doesn't add up.

I'm going to see if we can't get more people over here to help you out...

Thank you for seeking help J-bird, as well as your help so far. It doesn't make sense to me either, that is what brought me to this site. I'm looking anywhere I can to understand what might be the answer to the change in his behavior. It really took a spiral about a month into the engagement and when we started planning the day. He said he's not sure if with the wedding getting close it has scared him? I believe that he is unsure when he says it too. I'm lost and wish I had more to tell you. We have had the most wonderful relationship until recently, nothing has changed except for our engagement and wedding date choice. It's like it has made him distant. I know that his divorces really did a number on him, both mentally and financially in the past. The first marriage was 7 years and ended because of infidelity on his ex-wife's part and she ended up remarrying to the man she had the affair on him with. The second marriage ended very quickly. He said that he jumped into marriage so quick and found out all about her after they arrived home from the honeymoon, literally. She changed as soon as they were married, according to him and his family/friends, etc. When we met, neither of us were looking for a serious relationship. He has been divorced (the second marriage) for about 2 years and me single for about 1 year after a 7 year relationship. So both of us were on the same page as far as expectations. It ended up being so perfect, I think it threw us both for a loop. A good loop. We moved in together about 2 years into the relationship and had a house built for our home - renting in NYC got to be quite expensive with no rent control. So we opted to build our home and do the wedding after. We moved into our home last March of 2001. He proposed December 2001. And here we are. The wedding is planned for the end of this year. Hope the background helps. Neither of us are addicts of anykind, we have respectable jobs too. My son is from my 7 year relationship and his son is from his first marriage. His son only visits the summer months and we take short trips in the winter to see him. I think that covers all - if you need to know more, just ask. And many thanks for your insight, as best as you can without knowing us.

Being that your other shoe is on my foot. I hope I can shed some light onto what is going through his mind. I myself have a similar family dynamic, father has been married 5 times & unfaithful each time. A few months prior to my wedding I was scared that I was going to be the same type of spouse as my father, since I have had "broken" relationships in the past. My own fear caused me to be insensitive to Brook's own fears & nervousness. Marriage is a big committment and both individuals have to be truly ready. Mine was rather quickly, and although I wouldn't have changed it for the world, it takes some people longer to be "ready" for all that a true, lasting marriage requires. No one ever told me how much "work" it would be, but I feel as long we love each other & trust in each other & God that we can overcome anything. Counseling is a good source of "renewal". Most ministers/pastors require premarital counseling prior to the wedding. Look into if yours does. They have wonderful questionaires that help you learn more about each other. Sounds like you're having a hard time but that you both love each other very much. Just keep the future in mind & try not to take advantage of the present. Also, planning a wedding is stressful for the bride & makes you more sensitive than normal. So make sure to take time for each other within the next few months and keep "that loving feeling." Even when all you can imagine is biting off his head. LOL

Thanks Sam! Helps to hear all of that! We are doing better a little at a time. I think for me the shock of it all is that my fiance is such a thinker about everything. Meaning, before he does anything he checks out all avenues, researches, gets opinions from others, and makes absolutely sure before doing anything. I know that material purchases and business decisions aren't the same as our relationship, but I guess I just assumed that he was truly ready for marriage to me when he proposed. That he thought through all of the issues in his past, etc. I knew his family situation, knew his divorce history, etc and never ever pressured for the marriage part. Gosh, even bought a house together and never flinched about his committment to me. Therefore, I assumed that all of his past issues were resolved in his mind when he proposed. It just might be that assumption that made this worse for me.

This situation is almost exactly my situation but I was already married when these uncertainties became known to my wife and caused her great distress. The irony of it is that I thought things were going pretty well. My personality type is "INTP" (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) but I am able to play several roles. Anyway, the "NTP" combination is never completely certain of itself; there is no black-and-white, just an infinite pallette of greys and sometimes colors. As singles living together, you have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain each time you share anything at all. So the INTP computes, and recomputes, every day of his life. An "FJ" person has deep needs that generally cannot be met by a TP; men are often STJ (judgemental and commanding) or NTP (thoughtful, artistic, cautious about judgement).

Okay, 'nuff academics, but it is really useful stuff. If you require absolute committment from an NTP personality, you'll die of old age before you get it -- but it does not mean he won't give you the shirt off his back, everything he owns, love of his mind and body... he still won't be CERTAIN he did the right thing.

How to make it safe. Hmm, I must admit I do not know the answer to this one. We did it by not worrying about it too much. I did it by considering in balance life alone, versus the unknowable quantity of life with a woman. How can I weigh such a thing? I cannot; so it took quite a bit of courage to proceed; especially considering the failed marriages of my parents.

If your fiance is indeed the NTP personality type, he has the capacity and interest to think about things, and there's no such thing as too much data -- "need input!" Don't put books on the coffee table titled "1,001 ways to have a happy marriage" since the implication is that marriage is extremely complicated. I received several such books on my wedding day and they made me almost sick to my stomach with fear that I would only be able to do 627 of those "things" required of men in order to have a happy marriage; and yet, I have perfectly happy, low-maintenance friendships.

Both of you have lived alone, both of you should prefer NOT living alone, so if you make it clear to each other that you will proceed cautiously with your expectations of each other and that you don't have 1,001 expectations; but rather will "count your blessings" as he counts his, then I am fairly sure you will weather the uncertainty.

Oh. I almost forgot the anxiety attacks. It was very strange; every evening at 9 p.m. I would experience intense anxiety, sometimes making my heart skip a few beats and seem difficult to breathe. I have no idea why or what it was about; and it preceeded by several months meeting my wife (although a fizzled ladyfriendship was probably contributing). It was impossible for me to discover whether I was afraid to marry, or afraid NOT to marry. In the end, I decided to marry and see what happens, and the anxiety stopped the same night as my marriage so I think it worked out fine.

As our wedding approached, we did some fun things, and we drove across country together. I still wasn't sure, but I have a strong sense of committment and duty and decided to proceed with it. I don't know if I'll ever be "sure" without God Himself coming down and telling me I did good, but I am certainly better off and happier married than not.

"Not good enough for you" can also be a code word for not wanting to try. If a man has put you on a pedestal, so to speak; the more he admires and wants you the higher your "price" and consequently the more risky will be marriage. Words like this sometimes suggest that the speaker of these words has already computed in his mind his ability to keep up with you, and has decided that the price is too high, and suggesting that you look for a man closer to what he imagines is your equal.

The irony of this is, a man that is thinking that much of you, is probably a good thing to have, but he is going to feel indebted to you, or excessively lucky to have you (and how long does luck last?).

Religion helps quite a lot; if you orient your sense of debt to God then you do not have to feel bondage to each other. Marriage is a contract, a covenant, a duty; it is also a privilege and license to do things that otherwise are discouraged, frowned upon, or even illegal. A covenant between you regarding what levels of duty and obligation you expect will help, also, assertions of what good things you hope -- but not require -- (or, if you do have requirements, they should be asserted) -- in advance. For my wife and I, before we married we were very forthright with each other regarding children, sex, discipline, what to do on Saturday mornings, stuff like that. In those areas we have mostly agreement and high compatibility.