I've been married for less than 3 months now. We've been together, however, for almost 9 years. During those nine years we had our share of problems and broke up 3 times. We also had a weekend relationship, the last 5 years of our relationship (before we got married). The first four years we lived together and were very happy. Shortly before our wedding (like about 4-5 months before) we started having problems. Or better said, something he did made us realize we had problems we hadn't been dealing with for years.
Like I said, we lived in two different cities and he came 'home' on the weekends. He was studying, I've been working for the past 5 years. About 4-5 months before the wedding, he applied for jobs. He got two job offers, both similar, one in my town and the other somewhere else. Well, he took the job offer in the other town. It hurt me very deeply, and that set off a huge wave of problems, which we had to deal with before our wedding. I saw a therapist, and we worked through our problems. I learned to truly forgive him, to work through my hurt and anger, and to be able to love him again. And he really starting working on his issues and improved as well....So I thought.
Now, it's back to the same old thing. Basically, he is incapable of expressing himself. He's not able to open up to me emotionally, and he's not able to tell me when something is bothering him. It's so bad, that even when we're sitting there, and I'm trying to have a normal conversation with him (about whatever: weather, politics, friends, etc.) he doesn't even acknowledge that he hears me. He doesn't even say, "uh huh"... It's like talking to a wall. He has no interests, and spends all of his energy trying to do nice things for me (small things like going shopping when I have no time, getting me a drink when I'm thirsty, etc.). Even my friends notice this.

Of course I appreciate these things, but I'm getting the feeling that I'm living with a servant, and not with a strong independent man. He doesn't have an opinion on anything.
I learned through my therapy what I was 'doing wrong' in the relationship. I too wasn't able to work through conflict. It was hard for me to tell him when I was unhappy with something. Usually I would just withdraw. He does the same thing. Now, I've learned that it is necessary to speak up when something is bothering you. I do that, and I do it in a calm non-threatening way. At least I try. We've talked about this thoroughly.
I've given him parts of marriagebuilders to read together. Everything. But, he just reads it (or sometimes doesn't even read it) just to go along and won't really take the initiative himself. After he reads it, he basically forgets it. After we've discussed this, he doesn't even understand really what the whole thing has got to do with him. He even asks this: "how does all this have to do with me?" I feel extremely alone, and am starting to thing I made a mistake by marrying him, even though we discovered some major problems shortly before the wedding. I love him - he's a part of my for 9 years. But, we seem to be completely incompatible. Very little sex (like once or twice a month), no common interests.

We just filled out the 'recreational activities questionnaire' lastnight - I suggested this as a fun activity and he was receptive. And we found several things we both like or would like to do. And afterwards, when I suggested actually making a plan to do one of the things, he just answered with reasons why it wasn't possible. When I said then, "why don't we try to find ways to make it work instead of first thinking about why it won't work", he got mad and said he's just trying to be practical.
He seems to have no love for life. The only thing he does is try to do little things for me - like get me a drink if I mention I'm thirsty, go shopping for me if I have no time.... etc. I don't ask for these things, and it would quite frankly make me happier if he would try to work on himself, build interests, so that we would have something to talk about, and so that he wouldn't be so dependent upon me to give him inspiration. I'd like to be inspired too once in a while.
I didn't marry to have a servant. I can't live this way. I feel like I'm the only one working for this relationship. We're both 30 years old, but I feel like I'm married to a helpless child sometimes. I don't know what to do.
Can anyone help me??

Hello Cumlee,

Well first of all I am sorry you are unhappy. i cant tell you what to do about your realtionship because I think only you can figure that out.

Apparently you are not getting through to your husband that you truly have a serious problem. You need to set down and write him a letter of how you truly feel. This was you can take your time and express yourself the way you want but make sure your with him when he reads it.

You also need to understand that if hes been this way for 9 years then its not going to be easy for him to change his habits. Also some pople are just boring and get pleasure from serving others. Maybe you should make plans for the two of you to go do something when you know hes off from work. Ask him out for a date. Go somewhere you want to go and let him know what your interested in. Sometimes show and tell is the best method of sommunication.

I would worry about the sex stuff until you are able to communicate more. After nine years 2 times a month I think is pretty good. Most people are too tired from work and kids.

Do you have children? If not then please dont plan to have any until you are happy ok.

God bless you. I'll keep in touch

To Rachel Leigh,

Thank you so much for your message. To answer your question, no, we don't have any children. And I have already thought to myself, I will not have any children until we've figured this thing out.
I think you're right that 'show and tell' sometimes is the best way to communicate.. I think right now I'm feeling so weak and tired to be able to 'show'. I feel like I'm the only one trying to make it work.
He told me today by email that he wants to go out to dinner with me tonight after work to talk about things. But we've done this before and I know how it will turn out: he will not really say anything, and like, wait and see what I will say. I'm quite tired of being the one who always takes the lead.. Plus, after I've said my bit, he then basically just agrees vaguely. But, doesn't really take the time to think about it all. At least that's what it seems like. I'm tired of it. And I'm very dissappointed that after only 2 months of marriage, we are having these problems.
But, I'm intent on sticking with it, and working things out - but it takes two to tango. And right now, I feel like I'm the only one in the relationship, and he's just along for the ride..

Anyway, thanks again for your advice. I really need it! And I appreciate it.

Sincerely,
cumlee

Cumlee,
I have been married only 2 years, and statistically speaking, the first year is the worst. I was fortunate enough to have a marvelous #1, but I worked VERY hard. The best lesson I learned was that the more I harped and talked, the more likely he was not to listen. Ignore the issue for a while and pray about creative ways to reach out to him.
Also, read 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman (I think). It talks about loving your spouse i <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> n their love language... it sounds like yours is "Quality Time" I would bet his was "Acts of service" The book says many people will do things to show you how they love you in the same way they would feel if you were to show them that you love them. (Make sense?) Anyway, in the way he does things for you he might be showing you that this is what he thinks makes you feel loved... it might mean that if you do things for him just the same, he will feel really loved, then when that happens, according to the book, he will begin to show love to you in many ways. Your communication can open up as well.
Also, the more you pray about it and let God deal with the both of you, the easier it goes... Do you two go to church together?
God Bless you both!

Dear Davesgirl,

Thank you so much for your reply. This forum is really great, because I don't know many people who are married (actually really few people who are newly married) and it's a great help.

Well, over the weekend, we decided to fill out the emotional needs questionnaire. We spend the entire Saturday evening discussing what we both filled out. We found that for him, Affection and Admiration is really important. And that's exactly what he gives me. And for me, honesty & opennes and conversation is really important. And those are two things that are not very important to him. So we discussed how we do not fulfill each other's needs and then brainstormed what each of us could do to fulfill them. It was really helpful! We'll see if we both fulfill our part of the deal, but it was really nice to finally talk about these things and sort of get on one wave length.
It's funny, because we've been together for 9 years before getting married, and now we're finding out that we don't really know each other as good as one might think. I think you're right about that book by Chapman. Although I don't know of this book, it sounds right: I try to fulfill his needs with the things that I would like to have and vice versa. I guess it's a little bit the golden rule: treat others as you would like to be treated. However sometimes this isn't quite true! Although we both certainly appreciated what each does, it still leaves you feeling unfulfilled if you're not getting those top needs fulfilled. So we're going to try hard to fulfill them. At least now, he understands what I need, and I understand what he needs. I already felt closer to him after that.

We do not go to church together, although we do pray together, and sometimes read the bible. We live in Germany, and the churches here are sort of 'dead churches'. It's not very spiritual. We both believe in God, and Christ, but there is no forum in Germany. No community. It's very hard. Unforuntately, most Germans are agnostic or atheist. Very sad.

Thank you for your help. It's intersting to hear that the first year is usually the worst. That's funny. I wonder why it is that way??? I guess it is the time of adaptation? It certainly takes some getting used to, having someone there all the time. I'm used to coming home and being alone, and just doing what I want to do. Now that's not possible. It's nice on the one hand, to have your husband to come home to after work, but sometimes it is difficult to get used to that I can't just come home and 'chill' and read a book,etc. We are trying hard to make sure our relationship improves in order to have a good marriage. That's my main goal.

Thanks!