Hello I am new to this board. I need to talk to someone.

I have been married to my husband for almost 20 months and we have been experiencing a lot of problems but recently I have been so devastated with my husband's honesty that I feel I cannot cope anymore!

My husband said he did care for me when we met but he did not want to marry me. He says he loves me and wants our marriage to work but I feel I cannot cope as I don't know what to believe anymore.

Can you stay married if one of the spouses tells something so crucial to the very relationship that it destroys the other. This is what is happening to me.

He revealed this information a while ago while we were having a huge argument. We had been married 15 months when he told me this. Then a few days later he told me it was not the truth and then he has now said again it is the truth.

Last night, for the first time, we spoke and he honestly told me he did not mean to marry me but that he was scared and di not want to let everyone down and that he was also scared of losing me? I am so traumatised because I have believed the very best of him and never thought for one minute he had never wanted to marry. I had always been 100% sure of him.

After we had a good conversation last night he told me this:

1. He does love me and he can understand that I would not even believe this of him but he does love me.

2. He wants our marriage and does not want to lose me.

He is good a good man but he has destroyed something so precious that I just cannot cope with this. I am a reborn christian and this is our second marriage and I do love him very, very much and can't bear thinking of divorcing him.

All I know is that I feel as if I am drowning inside.

Thank you
Jem24

You are over-reacting to this.

Men are pretty much emotional dwarfs compared to women. Men have been taught by society not to share our feelings. We are extremely poor communicators about love and feelings. We cannot express our emotions and thoughts as fast or as completely as women.

When we try, it often comes out sounding pretty stupid. I think what he is trying to tell you is that his love for you is growing and maturing into something much more than what he had when he married you.

He did marry you. He loves you now more than before. He wants to stay married to you.

I don't think you are over-reacting, but I do think you need to determine what the issues are that you need to work on.

Have you read the basics on this forum? I expect that once you get familiar with the concepts of the Love Bank, Love Busters, basic needs, and so forth, you will be able to come up with a plan (with your husband!) on how you two can start meeting each other's important emotional needs.

It sounds to me as if you are so devastated by what your husband said that you don't know where to start. HIis Needs, Her Needs might be a good place to begin.

Regards,
rs0522

jimmy mac, I could not help but to laugh when I read your post. Were you trying to be funny or did it just come out that way? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 10:46 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Thanks for replies.

Yes I am sure my husband does love me but would you all not be confused if everything relating to the marriage and lately even to when we first met seems now to be a sore point. I mean if we did not have a past together we would not have met!

Lately he does not want to even talk about when we firt met and the jokes, etc. that happened to us along the way.

And if I try and approach a subject that is sensitive he says I am trying to cause a fight!!! I don't seem to be getting anywhere lately with my husband and am feeling more and more depressed every day.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
1. He does love me and he can understand that I would not even believe this of him but he does love me.

2. He wants our marriage and does not want to lose me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, then, take this and run with it. Do not spend so much time in the past that you lose the present and future.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And if I try and approach a subject that is sensitive he says I am trying to cause a fight!!! I don't seem to be getting anywhere lately with my husband and am feeling more and more depressed every day. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like you need to get your Love Busters under control. Have you read up on those? It's free....

<small>[ July 16, 2003, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>