One thing about my wife before you read the following, she's extremely moody and can change her views drastically at times. At times she can be very loving and then angry. For example, she has been very receptive to my overtures but today she did an about turn and is now wanting to split up. She has said stuff like "When we get divorced..." but has later said she didn't mean it. She wants me to be interested in her interests but only if I like them for myself and not because she mentioned it. So sometimes even if I do something she likes she'll accuse me of doing it because she told me even though I did it both because she likes it and because I want to do it.

Let me just start off by saying that I love my wife more than anything else in the world. We've had a rough start to our marriage and it's on the rocks now. We were introduced through family and fell in love. Initially unbeknownst to me she was already going out with a much older guy for 2 years but knew her family would never accept him and was resigned to that fact. I got to know about this bit by bit after I proposed to her and she said yes. I was so in love I said I will love her no matter what. After we got married she said she needed time to get over him and still went to see him from time to time (meetings in restaurants etc)...I tolerated this out of love for her but then got angry about it...I was very emotional about it all and was very very dowmcast (I moved countries for her on my own volition and didn't have much family or friends for support)...our honeymoon was a disaster...after we came back we discovered that she was pregnant...this to me was initially shocking...how can we be bringing in a child to this world when we're having such problems...at that point, with my joblessness wrecking my mood I angrily asked her to have an abortion...she was shocked, to her the pregnancy meant a new beginning for us, she would love me so so so much now...but I didn't see it that way at the time, I was still bitter about her still being in touch with her ex. I changed my mind about it later but she had heard my initial response and that was it in her mind. We ended up having the abortion (very early term) and then our relationship was on and off...she had to go overseas for a medical project (she's a final year med student) and that separation made me realize what a collosal mistake I had made (I also got a job just before she left). Now I am trying desperately to make amends...she's still angry at me because I did not respond the way her ideal husband would have when she was pregnant. If I could turn back time I would but I can't. She will probably change her mind again but I don't know. I don't want to give up, I know if I can help her get over this hurdle we can have a beautiful life together. I just want to know how to make her believe in me.

IB
Your W is full of frustration and anger. A lot of it is justified. She hasn't had a whole lot of say in some of the most important events in her life and this has wounded her deeply. Get counsoling from a very good MC. Steve Harley is one of the best in my opinion.,

Reading His Needs/Her Needs could be helpful to you. You want to make no wrong moves if you can help it.

you should try to disarm that anger by not trying to convince her of anthing but rather agree with her reasons for feeling hurt. She sought the OM for and escape from her frustration and pain. Of course this is devastating to you. You would have to be a zombie not to feel the heartache. So don't be too hard on yourself. But pray for forgiveness and pray for the kindness to forgive your W. What she did seems to be an attempt to lessen the pain and not to hurt you.

I talked my 1st W into an abortion because we were having M problems. It changed her. I didn't know that a woman bonds with the baby long before the actual birth. To me it was just so much tissue that would eventually become a baby if allowed to grow. But to her, it was part of her soul. What an [censored] I was. We could have fixed it over time but I was too hurt when she pulled away and I was controlled my emotions with little or no consideration for hers.

Let your W vent and then agree with her even if you think you had good reasons for what you did. Stop defending youself. She won't fight with you once you have thrown down your weapon.

"I'm sorry, you were right. I thought I was helping but now I see that I didn't. You were right"

"Yes, what I did was selfish, I let my emotions get the better of me and acted badly. Please forgive me, I was wrong."

"I realize now the how hard it was for you feeling so alone, that you turned to XX for comfort. I want to make that up to you, take care of your hurt be there for you."

Others may disagree or have other suggestions, but these are mine. I didn't do everything right in this marriage and drove my W away. Now I am hoping to get the chance to love her the way she needed to be.

IB;

P.S. Why don't you take you problems to General Questions or Emotional Needs boards. There is much more activity there from people who are much more experience than I. They will help you.

G.L.

Thanks Firebird, got a similar response on the infidelity list.