I'm starting to feel like I mad a mistake by getting married. I'm in love but I know that love isn't always enough. I feel like we didn't know each other well enough and now that we are getting to know each other, it's not going so good. I feel terrible for saying it but if I would have knew then, what I know now as far as his personality and habits go, I wouldn't have married him. We were friends for almost 4 years before we started dating so we knew a lot about each other and our relationships. When I broke up with first and only long term relationship, I told him that I would never live with a man again without having a plan to get married. No more shacking up. It never occured to me when he asked me after a month of dating to elope, that he was only asking me to marry him so he wouldn't lose me. I was so excited and in love, and it was so perfect. We both come from abusive and alcoholic families and promised each other we'd be different but there's so much coldness on his part. It's so apparent that he's carrying the baggage from the past. Me on the other hand, I crave love and hugs which I never got as a child. He pulls away and is cold whenever I get close. We have a great sex life but I can tell that even then he's holding back to a degree. He seems so afraid of being hurt it seems that he pulls away. But deep down inside he loves all the affection, I can see it in his eyes. He tells me he longs for a healthier, more loving relationship with his family. More hugs and kisses but it just doesn't happen. He won't open up and now he seems to feel that I'm going to leave him and take him to the cleaners. He thinks I'm going to leave him at any moment. I'm not and I've told him that. But it hurts so much because he blames me for the fights and drama. Maybe I am the reason but I can't fix it alone. And he doesn't get that. He gets offended when I say that we have communication problems. He's a perfectionist and is vain which compounds the situation. I know that he would be open the counseling but I don't think he thinks we need it. He thinks I need it. Me alone. I told him that we are a team, we're married and that even if it's my fault, I can't do it alone. Needless to say, we never make any progress fighting. I usually just give in because I'm all out of tears of just plain fed up. I told him that I don't feel loved or anything that I thought I should feel and he said it was my own insecurities and I need to focus on more important things, like buying a home. I don't want to buy a home with this man. I feel terrible for saying that but I'm over it. I'm in tears and I feel like a failure. I feel like everyone is going to say I told you so. He asked me today if I was coming home after work. Today he sent me an email and said that I had better not ruin this week arguing with him, since I'm notorious for doing that. I replied telling him that we needed to talk because I don't think I can make him happy. I said that I would understand if he wanted out of the relationship. The only time I feel wanted is in the bedroom. The rest of the time I feel like his business partner. I really just needed to vent I think. If you have any advice, please help because I'm at a loss. He's a wonderful man, I just think he's taking me for granted now that we're married.

I would like to welcome you to the board, even though your I'm saddened by the situation that brought you here. As a side note, General Questions gets more traffic, so you might want to re-post there.

I'm still new at this, so I don't have a lot of advice to offer, but I would recommend that you read all of the information on the site. Get familiar with the Concepts, Love Busters, Emotional Needs... Everything. Perhaps, if your H will agree, you can do the Emotional Needs questionnaire together. Even if he won't do it with you, do it alone.

It sounds like you would both benefit from counselling. Coming out of alcoholic/abusive family relationships can be rough on a marriage.

I hope that some of the more experienced MBers can offer some more words.

C

Charla_A makes all good suggestions.

Get a cup of coffee, print *all* the stuff up at teh top on Concepts, and probably most of Q&A out, and read it. MEditate on it. Absorb it.

You don' tknow me at all, but I am a reformed abusive spouse. (Verbal).

Verbal abuse isn't about yelling and screaming, it's much more complicated than that. Some of your H's behaviors would be described as diverting or blocking behaviors. And "threatening" you isn't helping anything.

I would encourage you to get a book from Patricia Evans, called the "Verbally abusive relationship, how to recognize it and respond".

It will do two things. It will help you understand much better about how to communicate, and break down styles of communication that are causing problems. And 2, it will give you tools to respond with to "threats" and innuendo, and blocking and diverting.

YOu don't have to have him read it, in fact, it would be best if you didn't. Just get it, and read it, and then see how it applies and how you can make it work.

It is life-changing stuff. Once you can talk, start applying all the good stuff in the MB toolchest, and build yourself a marriage to be proud of.

i know how you feel. i think we were both immature when we got married, but over the pat 9 months i have done a lot of growing and am discovering who i am. everyday i think about our wedding day and should i have went through with it???? we have only been married since may of 2004, and we are lready both unhappy. his idea of happy is sex, i cannot be intimate with someone when i am not happy with them. he has a substance abuse issue, and i dont at all. his idea of a fun time is to get a buzz, and go to bed, i want a best friend and a partner he says we are young and still need to "play". we dont have the same values or goals in life, will this ever change? will we grow together? or should we call it quits and put it in our past??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> all i know is i am seriously unhappy, but i dont want to hurt him in anyway, please help!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to be happy!!!!!!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />