This is a long one, so LOOK out! Definately not my best work, but I had to get it all out<P>The Worst Idea<P>Bored with my job, my life and myself<BR>So I thought I'd try something else.<P>I answered the ad in the paper that claimed<BR>I'd make good money dancing and enjoy the fame.<BR>Outside, Utah was fresh and sunny<BR>But inside that club where the girls would dress<BR>Was a smokey, dreary, filthy mess.<P>My Husband's heart was heavy when I told him<BR>He said it was a bad idea, but I ignored him.<BR>He was right - it was a bad idea, but still not the WORST one.<P>Saturday came - my first day onstage, and somehow<BR>He accepted it all, and looking back now<BR>I see how he trusted me, thought I was strong.<BR>How sadly and quickly I proved him wrong.<P>All the mens' attention I let go to my head<BR>Thought I was really living, though my heart lay dead.<BR>The highs and lows of dancing these shows<BR>Took a toll on my soul - I became vulnerable and weak -<BR>Weaker than I'd ever been in spirit.<P>Slithering like the snake he is, he slid into my life,<BR>Not caring that I was someone's beloved wife.<BR>Said I could trust him and that he was a'friend'<BR>But got just what he came for in the end.<BR>But I know I left that door open for him<BR>Like an invitations and he strode right in.<P>Never will I forget the look on my Husband's face<BR>When he walked in and found us in the place<BR>We'd worked to call our home.<BR>Sweaty, dirty, tired and hot from a hard day's work,<BR>He stood in our doorway, looking at the jerk Who was trying to steal his wife away.<BR>How close to death we came that day.<P>I should have stopped then, I could have stopped there,<BR>Instead I marched on with not a care.<BR>I wouldn't let my mind think,and my heart<BR>Had become hard as granite.<P>All along, I knew my Husband knew<BR>But in denial, he never confronted, so I let it continue.<BR>Going a little further each day with The Creep<BR>At night, so late, in the door I'd crep,<BR>Covered smelling like sweat, smoke, and lust for another man<BR>Then lay down in bed, right next to my husband<BR>Who for years, I swore would be the only soul<BR>To hold my heart, who I loved so.<BR>He must have felt me slipping away. <BR>I'll never know how he could live this way.<P>Soon I confessed what he'd suspected.<BR>I feared immediately I would be rejected.<BR>But part of me just did not care<BR>Part of me was no longer there.<BR>I asked for separation, not divorce<BR>So my games could continue of course.<BR>Jason wasn't happy but begrudgingly consented.<BR>I packed my things, took off for my grilfriend's and vented.<P>Oh how Jason tried, the nights I sat and watched him cry.<P>One night to my fear and suprise<BR>He showed up at the club before my very eyes.<BR>For yers he'd been sober, not a single drop.<BR>Tonight he held a beer mug like he'd never stop.<BR>I knew I'd done this to him, to his heart.<BR>I looked and saw a man who had fallen apart.<P>He wathced as I danced, willing to give me another chance.<BR>That night he asked me to come home with him<BR>EVen if only for a night; I did on a whim.<BR>He held me so tight, like we were dying<BR>Still even then, he couldn't stop crying.<BR>That night we made love, but it still didn't melt<BR>The iceberg that had become all that I felt.<P>I went back and forth, saying I'd try<BR>But I just didn't care enough yet, did I?<BR>I remember being scared thinking that <BR>He could never forgive me and I couldn't live with the fact<BR>Of all the terrible things I'd done so far.<BR>Too much pain, too many scars.<BR>A coward, so weak, so low, so scared<BR>Oh, Jason, someone should have told you beware<BR>Of me.<P>Thinking we'd never heal, I finally told him one day<BR>That our divorce would be underway.<BR>HE went and got the papers neither of us<BR>Could find the strength to actually sign.<BR>They sat on our bed, they swam in my head.<BR>God, I think of how close I was to signing away all the happiness and love I'd found with him.<P>Soon, it became clear<BR>Jason just could not stay here<BR>With all the pain so fresh and near<BR>So everyday, he packed a little more<BR>As I moved from one *sshole to become another's wh*re.<BR>That's all I ever meant to them -<BR>I destroyed our lives to be with them!<P>Jason bought me roses, I let them die<BR>He gave me his heart, I kept making him cry.<P>Suddenly, one day something snapped in my mind<BR>I felt the urge to leave that life I was leading behind.<BR>I knew if I didn't, I'd lose Jason and all that we had together<BR>If I let him leave the state without me - FOREVER.<P>I'd look back, a bitter, ruined woman one day<BR>WIth only myself to blame for pushing the goodness away.<BR>Jason would have found someone else to love besides me<BR>I can only slightly realize how disrtaught and lonely I'd be.<P>Hoping and praying that it wasn't too late<BR>I promised him I was at last ready to abate.<BR>He, steadfast and strong, helped me gather my things.<BR>We both put back on our cherished wedding rings.<BR>We left that city - all the good and the bad<BR>Needing to save what deeply buried love we still had.<P>A full year later, and in my sorrow, I weep,<BR>Aware now that my love for my Jason runs deep - deeper than I ever imagined.<P>I wrote this long poem to help come to terms with all I've done<BR>To help remember that in the end, we won.<BR>We both struggled and survived.<P>Now we sleep trustingly in each other's arms<BR>Never again will I do him such harm.<BR>I am eternally grateful for his love and forgivenss<BR>Now, if I could only find some to give myself...<BR>I might find peace.<P>His child now kicks and grows in my womb<BR>What happened last year is buried in a tomb<BR>But will never be forgotten.<P><BR>I Love you, Jason, with all my heart. I wish you could know how very very sorry I still am. Just as I feared, things between us are still not the same, they may never be again. I miss the way we used to be. Things are still good, but each day we continue to live under the shadow of what I did. I know the pain still lurks in your heart. It keeps you from touching me like you used to, from kissing me like you used to. It's lost and it's my fault. Please don't turn to you know who to ease your pain - she will steal you away from me forever. She will try to ruin what we have left.<P>I love you and I won't give up, ever.<BR> <P> <P><p>[This message has been edited by Khyra (edited July 27, 2000).]