I WILL

It must be so exciting to be having an affair
To have a special reason for gelling back his hair;
And musn't it be wonderful to leave and close the door,
And feel as if he's seventeen instead of forty-four?

It must be so amazing to have found a hot 'rock chick'
Who'll pander to his ego and give him such a kick,
(He likes to feel her body - I read it on his phone,
Compared to one as old as mine, I'm sure it's nicely toned)

It must be so rewarding to believe that he's 'in love',
To fit into somebody's arms like a hand made for a glove;
To have someone to talk to as he never talks to me,
Who'll comfort and reward him for his infidelity.

It must be so delightful to be a Likely Lad,
And leave his boring wife at home - sick and scared and sad;
To justify such selfish and despicable behaviour
By saying, 'I can't help it, for I couldn't lose her favour.'

Except when I am crying and I cannot hide my pain
He acts as if it's quite okay to live for self and gain;
He seems to bear this shamefulness without a pang of guilt,
Seems quite content to give up all the world that we have built.

How can I understand this man I thought I knew so well
When he has turned me inside out and put me through such hell?
I thought we both agreed on things like trust, fidelity,
The sanctity of marriage, and devoted loyalty.

But now the man I knew is little better than a stranger,
Someone prepared to risk so much and put us through such danger -
For what? For some addiction, some insane preoccupation,
A crazy mid-life crisis; a self-absorbed infatuation.

But doesn't it upset him to be acting in this way?
To have broken solemn promises and thrown them all away?
To have chucked me on the scrapheap and put me through such strife
Just because he feels like leading a more exciting life?

The kind of man who has so little self-control and pride,
And decency and honour to keep a mistress on the side
Is not the man I knew in whom I put such faith and trust -
He wouldn't kill our marriage just to satisfy his lust.

It frightens me to see the change in one I've known so long
Someone who doesn't care if what he does is right or wrong,
And there's nothing left to talk about now everything is changed
And nothing feels secure to me, it's all remote and strange.

Oh yes, I know to him I wasn't nearly good enough,
I didn't inspire his feelings or stimulate his lust;
And so he 'falls for' someone - it was really such a doddle,
And traded his old woman in for a sleeker, younger model.

Of course his life is better with his floozy than with me -
He takes her out, he cossets her - I stay at home and cook the tea.
I'm like the single mother who just takes the kids to school,
But she is the 'McDonald's dad' - interesting and cool.

He justifies his actions and everything he's done
By claiming that he 'feels so much' - but that's not the way it's done!
You don't betray your faithful wife to chase some crazy dream -
As Bob Dylan says, 'You can't go changing horses in mid-stream'.

Well, of course you can, but you'll just leave destruction in your wake
And ounce for ounce give agony for everything you take;
And eventually you'll find yourself in a desperate, hopeless state
And want to re-write history - but it just might be too late.

My hurt is indescribable - I feel betrayed and used,
Deceived, let down and cheated on, lied to and abused;
Unwanted and unneeded now, my life is wrecked and battered,
My past lies torn in pieces, and my future hopes are shattered.

I only get to see him now at the end of a working day
And then he's so exhausted that he just can't stay awake;
So I cannot even cry with him, and show I can be tender;
And as for making love - well, that's not on his agenda.

What can I do to tolerate this turmoil that I'm in?
To live in such a world of lies, adultery and sin?
There's nothing I can do but face my agony alone,
For I have no one else's arms - I'm in this on my own.

He gives me less hope every day that this ghastly thing will cease;
He goes on feeding his desire and shattering my peace;
He tells me with his head in hands, 'I'll have to let her go',
Whilst resenting me so very much that I have to tell him, 'no'.

Yet when darkness seems as dark as it possibly can get,
When all doors seem closed shut on me, and my life a wasted wreck,
I see a chink of light that seems to promise there is hope,
And hear a voice that tells me that I do have strength to cope.

All I can do is carry on as bravely as I can,
Loving and forgiving my precious, fallen man.
For in the end, there's nothing that can take the truth away -
We were made 'one flesh', and joined by God, on our glorious Wedding Day.

(written in a turmoil of resentment, anger, fear, sorrow and bitterness two weeks after D-Day)

wow. that was quite a read. i'm very sorry you are going through this. sometimes i wonder whether it was a blessing or a curse that my ex divorced me to be with her "fling". so many nights i've wished to have her back...but then i know it wouldn't be the same...not like it was...it wouldn't even be her anymore.

i really enjoyed what you wrote. thanks for sharing =)

that was an awesome and very heartfelt poem. i am deeply sorry for what you are going through. i give you my blessings and hope for the best for you.

Thank you so much, roman and trying, for your kind words about my poem. I have written another one, which I will post in the next few hours when I have some spare time - so watch out for that! It is written in much the same style as the other one - I just can't seem to write in blank verse when I want to pour out my feelings, but doing it this way without any thought of trying to make the poem sound 'stylish' or 'modern', it just seems to write itself. Oh well, anything which helps get rid of some of my pent up emotions.

I'm so sorry your marriage ended, roman. I can definitely understand all you say about how things would never have been the same with your wife after her infidelity, and how it wouldn't even have been her. That is how I feel all the time - I long desperately to keep my marriage intact, and for my husband to give up his OW and 'return' to me (he still lives with me, but he is not 'with' me, if you know what I mean) but I am all too well aware that if he does, it will not be the man I have known and loved for twenty three years. As my doctor said, my husband has 'broken something unbreakable', which is very true. Once the sanctity of marriage is wrecked and destroyed, nothing can ever be the same again. The special, unique bond which just the two of you shared has been infiltrated by another entity - and that corrupts it, ruins it, degrades it - ADULTERATES it.

Yet I still love my husband, and for this reason, as well as for the sake of our precious daughter and because I believe passionately in marriage, I am holding on by my fingernails - some six months after D-Day. My husband shows no signs whatsoever of giving up his affair, and until he does, of course, no healing or reconciliation is possible between us. How can your wounds heal when you are still having bombs dropped on you? I cling to the belief though, that my husband and I have a basically sound, devoted and committed love for one another - a love which he has trashed, yes, but which is too deep and meaningful to be able to be completely wrecked just by some crazy, temporary, juvenile infatuation.

What makes things worse for me is that I have a serious and chronic illness - multiple sclerosis -which has been deteriorating quite rapidly since my discovery of my husband's adultery. MS is a nervous disease, so naturally any stress or trauma makes it worse, and I am now having to cope with numerous horrible physical and emotional symptoms such as terrible headaches, high fevers, agonising cramps in my joints, total loss of feeling all over my body, panic attacks, insomnia - not to mention the fact that I am now unable to walk more than about ten paces on my own. My husband is compassion itself as regards my disease - but as everyone here will know - compassion is not enough. Fidelity, remorse and a complete end to his affair is the only thing which will enable us to begin to restore what has been lost in this sick, sorry, tragic mess.

Anyway, I'm rambling as per usual - sorry! Will get my poem posted in due course. All the best to everyone who reads this.

StillTrusting -
Your Poem is beautiful. I am sure that it touches the heart of every BS -

I can only imagine how difficult the A has been for you especially with your MS. Stress is NOT good for MS! Are you seeing a neurologist? Are you taking any medication to combat the symptoms? When were you first diagnosed with your MS? You made it sound like you were only diagnosed a short time ago? Does your H not see how bad this is for your MS let alone the entire YOU!!

Sorry for hijacking your thread... I understand about MS - my mom has MS.
Take Care of Yourself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you IR2T for your kindness. You are NOT 'hijacking' my thread - I am only too happy to hear from anyone with some kind and friendly words to say.

I was diagnosed with the disease four years ago, but it hardly had any effect on me until about eighteen months ago. I had a bad attack just before Christmas 2001, but I was still able to walk and get about. The trauma I have been through this last six months has definitely had a terribly bad effect on me - my doctor has told me repeatedly that stress is the most harmful thing for my condition.

To answer your question about my husband - yes, he most certainly DOES know how bad this situation is for my disease - after all he lives with me, and sees me deteriorating almost every day. This is why it is all the more heartbreaking to me that he can carry on with his affair. He says he loves me - but what kind of love is it that could be so cruel? I don't have any answers. I stopped trying to find any a long time ago. Now I just wait on the sidelines, loving him, and trying to trust that God will see us through this ordeal.

I am sorry your mother has this disease - mine does too. But she has been a lot more fortunate than I have - she did not get it until she was 50, and then she had over 15 years of almost normal life. I was diagnosed when I was just 36, and now at 40 am more or less in a wheelchair. I don't see a neurologist anymore, because they have told me there is little they can do, but I see my own doctor regularly and am going to have to ask for something to help me as I am not coping well at all at present, either emotionally or physically.

Anyway, thank you so much for your kindness, IR2T - I don't know your story, but if you are a betrayed wife, my heart and prayers go out to you. It is the worst nightmare any human being can go through - and I say that as a sufferer from one of the vilest of all diseases. The disease is like a holiday compared to my husband's infidelity.

God Bless
Stilltrusting

StillTrusting -

On the contrary - I am the FWW trying to make things right with my H. He used to post his poems here.

They all say that MS isn't genetic.. hmmmmmm.... I would argue with them on that one. I am only 25 years old, so far so good for me. My mom had her first symptom 18 years ago - then subsided until 1991. Things SLOWLY got worse (and I do mean slowly...) but now - they don't says it's MS, but instead it's a demylenating (sp?) disease. Basically same things as MS. She, like most others with MS, have good days and bad days. They are getting more frequent - she too, can't walk very far anymore. She is determined NOT to be in a wheelchair though - so when she gets bad - she does 5 days with IV Sterroids instead. It helps <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Have you looked into any medication that is available to you? There are many options from Copaxon to Beta-Seron (not sure if I spelled either correctly...) Your Dr. would know more.

Do you know anyone else with MS? Others that you can get in contact with? I can put you in touch with some others that have MS if you would like (for support) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Keep posting your poems here! And take care of yourself!!

Sorry for just disappearing yesterday IR2T - I sometimes get spells of terrible tiredness where I just can't keep my eyes open - and yesterday was one of them.

I very much appreciate your kindness and interest in my situation. I sound very like your mother - I too am desperate to keep out of a wheelchair as long as I possibly can. I would far rather stay at home, and just sit out in my garden than be pushed around places and be looked at by all and sundry. Pride I suppose.

I think like you - they say MS isn't genetic, but why then does the child of a sufferer have over 15 times more chance of getting the disease than someone else?

I haven't really thought that much about medication - I didn't need anything until very recently, but am certainly going to have to do something now I am deteriorating so rapidly. Over here in Britain we don't seem to have the range of medicines available in the US, but I heard the other day about a kind of cannabis substitute which is available on prescription and which is supposed to be quite effective, so maybe I could try that.

As regards support from other MS sufferers, thank you for that suggestion, but I think at present I would cope better by not thinking and talking too much about my disease, but just trying to live life as normally as possible. People are always suggesting that I join local MS groups and societies, but I don't want to always feel I am just an MS victim - in the end, I am a person, a woman, an individual, even though I have an awful illness, and it is terribly hard to keep that in one's mind in any case, without joining societies where everyone has the same thing. Instead I keep sane by reading, writing, thinking, getting as much fresh air as possible, praying, and being with my family. Until six months ago, I used to get great comfort from 'knowing' (!) that I had such a devoted and faithful husband - just shows how wrong you can be! However, I still believe our love for one another is deep and committed enough to see out this awful mess we are in at the moment, and that my husband's infatuation will come to an end in the not too distant future. Funnily enough, in some ways we are closer than we have been since the start of my disease. My local vicar, who is a friend of mine, said he has known quite a few men who have had affairs because their wives have serious conditions and they are frightened at what the future holds. He says that these affairs rarely last more than a year at the most, and that marriages are often strengthened and greatly improved as a result of them. I cling to the fact that my husband promises he will never leave me, that he says categorically he doesn't WANT to leave me, and that he is, at heart, a very decent, caring, kind and loving husband. Meanwhile, I live one day at a time, and gain comfort from such supportive messages as yours.

Good luck with your own marriage, IR2T - I hope things are ok with you both. I only wish my husband would say he wants to work on our marriage, but at present, his affair, our relationship, and everything to do with it are taboo subjects. I have a book by Ed Wheat called 'How to Save Your Marriage Alone' - but I can't say it's easy to try and do that! Still - thing could be worse. At least my husband comes home to ME at the end of the day, and it is me he gets into bed with at night (not that we do much except sleep unfortunately! - he says his guilt makes it extremely hard for him to initiate lovemaking, which is a source of great sadness to me. But hope springs eternal as they say - I occasionally manage to initiate things myself, and he has only refused me once!)

Say hello to your mother for me, and tell her I admire her for resisting a wheelchair. Hope both she and I make it without ever needing one. Also, are your husband's poems still on the website?, because if so, I would like to read them.

Many thanks again IR2T for all your good wishes. Take care,

Stilltrusting

StillTrusting -

My H is Still Trying To Save It (STTSI) I know he has some here - If you search, you will find them! Good luck to you too -

KEEP POSTING YOUR POEMS!!!

imready

I didn't know you were STTSI wife. Just wanted to give some encouragement and tell you that you are both in my prayers. I'm 25 as well. My wife moved out a year ago today and divorced me in September after finding she was pregnant from the man she was having an affair with.

I still wish I had a second chance with my ex. I did so many things wrong. It's funny, marriage is nothing like you think it will be when you are single. It takes more work and compromise than I ever dreamed. And it seems you often don't realize what you have till it's gone. Anyways, I don't know you, but I'm proud of you. I know it will be difficult, but I also know that 10 years from now you will look back and know that you made the best decision of your life. Best wishes...

jay

Jay -

You speak kind words! Thanks! H and I need ALL the blessings and prayers that we can get. Each day is a new struggle for us. It is hard b/c he is OOT right now! I am sorry that things didn't work out for you and your ex. I hope I am not too late to try and salvage things with my H. He was just starting to rebuild his life when I came back into the picture... so...

Thanks again for the kind words! Take care and many blessings and prayers to you too!

-Angie-

What an incredible poem! I would have never been able to write such a poem so soon after D-Day. Just continue to have hope.

Thank you fc for your kind and encouraging words. I don't know anything about your story, but you are obviously a BS who experienced deep pain after discovery of your husband's infidelity.

How I could write a poem (in fact, I wrote two - see my other if you are interested, called 'Just Another Lost and Lonely Wife) during this agonising time is something I am often surprised at myself. But the poems just seemed to write themselves. Such agony, trauma, disbelief, rage, terror, rejection, isolation, heartache - etc etc - as I was feeling just had to have an outlet. I had no one to talk to as I made the decision right from the start not to tell my daughter, not to tell my family - so I was completely alone in my agony. In the end, I had to get my doctor to come round, as well as the vicar from my old church, because if I didn't talk to someone I would have committed suicide. But in the very early days, writing my poems seemed to help in the way that lancing a boil helps. The pain HAD to come out in some way, and this was the only way I knew how (apart from crying of course - I don't think I have cried as much in forty years as I did in the first forty hours after D-day, and not a day has gone by since then - nearly seven months ago - that I have not shed bucketfuls of tears.)

I wanted to send you a private email, fc, but couldn't get your email address. If you would like to write to me and tell me your story, my address is: bronwen@wrigley65.freeserve.co.uk. I would like to help in any way I can, if only by listening to your agony - I feel after this past seven months, that I have become the world's expert in EMAs and the pain they bring, and I feel too that I have learned an incredible amount about how to survive pain and how to cope with grief. Just talking and sharing our suffering can be a way of getting through this most traumatic event in our lives.

To fill you in briefly on my story - I have been married for nearly twenty years; this is my husband's first affair (as far as I know - but it is almost impossible to believe or trust anything they say now isn't it?); he is still living with me; he swears he will never leave me, and doesn't even want to; he is kindness itself at the moment and can't do enough for me - BUT he absolutely refuses to give up his OW and end his affair. As time goes by, my hope comes and goes in peaks and troughs - sometimes I am certain he will end it, sometimes I feel terrified he won't. But one thing is for sure, I can't go on like this indefinitely - it is draining all the life out of me. I can't even write poems anymore - a very bad sign!!

Get in touch whenever you wish - I am always here, and always ready to try and help. Take care of yourself,

Bronwen (stilltrusting)

What a beautiful poem. Truly powerful. I'm praying for you. It's hard enough going through this without having and diseases so I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

My h still isn't home. He is now with another OW. Personally I've come to believe that we sometimes enable the WH to continue in their adulterous ways by not taking a stand sooner. I planned A for so long and after reading Love Must Be Tough by Dobson I wish I had done things a little differently. Anyway, the bottom line is that God is the one who will have to work this out because this truly requires a miracle. God bless you.

Stilltrusting - just found your incredible poem. Thank you for writing it and sharing it with us. My prayers go out to you. I asked WS to leave because he could not stop contact with OW - and because she called here and I didn't want to be a part of all this mess. But of course they don't care about the mess. My H actually said his counselor told him he should be a Mormon! (presumably because he wanted to keep us both!)
My heart is broken but my eyes are dry. I still think there's hope for us, and I certainly hope your H will wake up soon! The A is exactly like an addiction - I know because we went thru this with alcohol 6 years ago.
I must say, it is a tad easier to cope when H is not around all the time pretending everything is fine. You can busy yourself with other things. If he calls OW I don't know about it and I don't care (okay that's not exactly true). I can relate to how he's killing you with kindness. My H is doing all these great things around the house and for me that he never did before. But it's almost worse because you're always wondering when it will end.