Hello everyone! I realize I haven't posted in a LONG while, but I was getting addicted to this site, and it was interfering with my job. I had to get a hold of myself to learn to cope with my situation. So much has happened to me in such a short time that I was headed down a cliff fast, and without brakes.<p>A brief (well, maybe not brief) history. Married 12, almost 13, years; 3 children (now 11, 9, and 8 mos. - all boys); D-Day was before I had my baby in March (don't know exact date);H moved out 3/29;H said he wanted a divorce 2 wks later;5/13 H said he would reconsider;1 week later H said he wanted a D;5/29 H said he would reconsider - noticed changes, esp. my weight;H was showing genuine interest until the end of July. One weekend he disappeared for the whole weekend without so much as a phone call. Curious thing was that it was the very weekend my now ex-best friend went out of town. I guess you can all see where this is going.<p>You see, H and ex-best friend have been accused for the last, oh, 8 or 9 months of having something going on. My ex-best friend is my husband's brother's ex-live-in girlfriend. It gets really messy. She also has two sons by one of her two previous marriages.<p>Well, after H got back from his weekend, his attitude completely changed again. He was stand-offish with me. The REALLY funny thing is that he didn't show up until my friend showed up, and he went directly to her house, and didn't even check on the kids. Oh, but I'm not supposed to think there's something wrong with that. He began acting very weird about us, and even had me convinced to move out of my rental house. I had been praying to God for his guidance with my marriage and with finances. We were really in a hole. Well, my H had knee surgery on 9/5. I went with him to the hospital, but he wanted my friend to take him and not me. He said I wouldn't quit pushing. I insisted on being there. After the surgery, I assumed he would stay at my house so the kids and I could care for him. Well, on the way home he informed me that he would be staying at my friend's house. I pretty much pitched a fit, needless to say. My friend claimed she knew nothing of it, and that she would not let him stay there, but she never made him leave.<p>The very next day, I went to see him in the early AM. He was sleeping in her bed, not with her of course. Still, I tried to trust her, and believe that they would not do that to me. My H told me that day he wanted a divorce. It got very ugly. I even slapped him - with his permission of course. I guess he felt like he deserved it. I've never hit anyone in the face like that before, but at that moment I hated him. I still don't feel very good about him. He moved his things out that weekend. It hurt, I cried, my kids cried. I felt like I lost everything. I wanted to die. Just curl up in a hole and die.<p>My friend acted supportive. She said everything would work out. She said she was there for me. She didn't understand why I didn't want him around her. I told her that we could not be friends if he was going to be there all the time. I black-mailed him into staying away. That worked for a week. The weekend he had my son (oldest wouldn't go, and I wouldn't let the baby go), she went to the movies with him, my son, and her two sons. My son said she didn't sit by him. But it didn't matter. At that point, I realized she was not my friend if she couldn't even respect my feelings. I told my H that I didn't need a friend like that. He ran to tell her.<p>My H filed for divorce based on irreconciliable differences, and I was served the day before I was supposed to go to Georgia for a religious retreat with my kids. He had it stipulated that I could not take them out of town. I called him and asked him what else he wanted to do to hurt me. I asked to please just warn me now so I could be prepared. I contacted a lawyer the next morning. I counter-filed based on adultery. My lawyer contacted his lawyer, and they agreed to let me go. We went to our first court date 10/12. My H got standard visitation for the two older boys, and standard infant visitation for the baby. He sees the older boys on Th from 6-8, and every other weekend. He sees the baby on Th from 6-8 and on Sundays from 2-6. My oldest son went with him once, but hasn't gone with him since. He says he hates him. <p>You see, now my H is living with my ex-best friend. He says he had nowhere else to go. H has five brothers that live here. They said he didn't even ask them. H says there is nothing going on with him and ex-bf, but her son told my middle son (they are the same age) that he walked in on them and they were on top of each other with their clothes on, but it looked like they were getting "freaky". He also told him that he saw them hold hands once. My H denied this to his sons. Middle son wants to believe him, but oldest son does not believe him. Neither do I anymore. H said that it was a fib.<p>I had a long conversation with H the other night re: what it would take to move the D along. I told him all he had to do was pay me the money he owes me for leaving me without giving me a dime for a month, and not paying his 1/2 of the bills. He owes me $3000 for a CC bill, and needs to start paying 1/2 of our furniture payment, and 1/2 of the IRS bill. He is considering it. I told him if we went to court for this, the judge would probably make him pay more than 1/2, since I am caring for the baby.<p>My H continues to lie to his sons. I tried so hard to trust my friend, but I now feel betrayed. I feel like there is something going on, and there probably has been all along.<p>My divorce is in the process, and we still have to go to co-parenting classes together. <p>Strangely enough, I have many better days now, and I can actually sleep at night. I couldn't sleep when I was in limbo, but now I can. I've accepted that my marriage is over, and unless God intervenes, I am moving on. I have asked God not to bring anyone in my life if he intends for us to ever be together again. I've also prayed about the temptation that I've had to be with his brother as a means of revenge. His brother would like to get revenge as well, but they probably wouldn't care, and frankly, I don't want to end up hating myself. I've asked God to help me resist temptations with other men because right now I am weak and lonely, and if just to have someone hold me for one night - I might do anything.<p>I hope everything is going well for each of you. Please pray for me.<p>Love,
TIG

TIG,<p>if just to have someone hold me for one night - I might do anything.<p>Lord, I pray that you alone will hold TIG tonight and the next night and forever, so that she may feel and see you and grow in you. She already said it, she would do anything for you in return for it. Please give her your love, your forgiveness, your strength, and your guidance.<p>"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into his grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perserverence; perserverence, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us..." (Romans 5, 1-5)

TIG, When we first go from denial to reality(finding out the truth ) we will hate them and want vengence. I have learned along the way that nothing can lead me into sin more than being betrayed and my heart broken and shattered. Its obvious that the enemy is trying to take our minds captive, instead of letting Christ.
I have acted at times out of hurt in my situation.
None of us is going to react perfectly in such unperfect situations as we have found ourselves in. I have had the greatest growth in the Lord in the last 3 years. I have also had the greatest pain and let the truth be known, commited some of the greatest sins i never thought i was capable of. especially in my heart as well as acting them out. I also accused God of being extreamly cruel, and cursed the day i was born.
All i can say is God got me thru it all and it was His strenth, for mine failed me miserably. In spite of myself God brought me thru it all, and there is pleanty more to be brought thru for me.<p>Dear Lord , i pray you take TIG's thoughts continually captive in Christ Jesus and show her that its all still in your hands and that our lives are for your glory and not our own. Help her to see, when the enemy blinds her thru extreamly painful circumstances that no matter what, you are still God and you never change as our lives and others around us do. Comfort my sister in her time of need and show yourself more real to her. Lord we cant make it thru this kind of pain without you. Its impossible. Help us all here Lord, cause we dont understand why you allow the enemy to destroy our lives so much. May you get the glory from it all. In Jesus name, Amen
Mark

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by TrustinginGod:
<strong>Hello everyone! I realize I haven't posted in a LONG while, but I was getting addicted to this site, and it was interfering with my job. I had to get a hold of myself to learn to cope with my situation. So much has happened to me in such a short time that I was headed down a cliff fast, and without brakes.<p>A brief (well, maybe not brief) history. Married 12, almost 13, years; 3 children (now 11, 9, and 8 mos. - all boys); D-Day was before I had my baby in March (don't know exact date);H moved out 3/29;H said he wanted a divorce 2 wks later;5/13 H said he would reconsider;1 week later H said he wanted a D;5/29 H said he would reconsider - noticed changes, esp. my weight;H was showing genuine interest until the end of July. One weekend he disappeared for the whole weekend without so much as a phone call. Curious thing was that it was the very weekend my now ex-best friend went out of town. I guess you can all see where this is going.<p>You see, H and ex-best friend have been accused for the last, oh, 8 or 9 months of having something going on. My ex-best friend is my husband's brother's ex-live-in girlfriend. It gets really messy. She also has two sons by one of her two previous marriages.<p>Well, after H got back from his weekend, his attitude completely changed again. He was stand-offish with me. The REALLY funny thing is that he didn't show up until my friend showed up, and he went directly to her house, and didn't even check on the kids. Oh, but I'm not supposed to think there's something wrong with that. He began acting very weird about us, and even had me convinced to move out of my rental house. I had been praying to God for his guidance with my marriage and with finances. We were really in a hole. Well, my H had knee surgery on 9/5. I went with him to the hospital, but he wanted my friend to take him and not me. He said I wouldn't quit pushing. I insisted on being there. After the surgery, I assumed he would stay at my house so the kids and I could care for him. Well, on the way home he informed me that he would be staying at my friend's house. I pretty much pitched a fit, needless to say. My friend claimed she knew nothing of it, and that she would not let him stay there, but she never made him leave.<p>The very next day, I went to see him in the early AM. He was sleeping in her bed, not with her of course. Still, I tried to trust her, and believe that they would not do that to me. My H told me that day he wanted a divorce. It got very ugly. I even slapped him - with his permission of course. I guess he felt like he deserved it. I've never hit anyone in the face like that before, but at that moment I hated him. I still don't feel very good about him. He moved his things out that weekend. It hurt, I cried, my kids cried. I felt like I lost everything. I wanted to die. Just curl up in a hole and die.<p>My friend acted supportive. She said everything would work out. She said she was there for me. She didn't understand why I didn't want him around her. I told her that we could not be friends if he was going to be there all the time. I black-mailed him into staying away. That worked for a week. The weekend he had my son (oldest wouldn't go, and I wouldn't let the baby go), she went to the movies with him, my son, and her two sons. My son said she didn't sit by him. But it didn't matter. At that point, I realized she was not my friend if she couldn't even respect my feelings. I told my H that I didn't need a friend like that. He ran to tell her.<p>My H filed for divorce based on irreconciliable differences, and I was served the day before I was supposed to go to Georgia for a religious retreat with my kids. He had it stipulated that I could not take them out of town. I called him and asked him what else he wanted to do to hurt me. I asked to please just warn me now so I could be prepared. I contacted a lawyer the next morning. I counter-filed based on adultery. My lawyer contacted his lawyer, and they agreed to let me go. We went to our first court date 10/12. My H got standard visitation for the two older boys, and standard infant visitation for the baby. He sees the older boys on Th from 6-8, and every other weekend. He sees the baby on Th from 6-8 and on Sundays from 2-6. My oldest son went with him once, but hasn't gone with him since. He says he hates him. <p>You see, now my H is living with my ex-best friend. He says he had nowhere else to go. H has five brothers that live here. They said he didn't even ask them. H says there is nothing going on with him and ex-bf, but her son told my middle son (they are the same age) that he walked in on them and they were on top of each other with their clothes on, but it looked like they were getting "freaky". He also told him that he saw them hold hands once. My H denied this to his sons. Middle son wants to believe him, but oldest son does not believe him. Neither do I anymore. H said that it was a fib.<p>I had a long conversation with H the other night re: what it would take to move the D along. I told him all he had to do was pay me the money he owes me for leaving me without giving me a dime for a month, and not paying his 1/2 of the bills. He owes me $3000 for a CC bill, and needs to start paying 1/2 of our furniture payment, and 1/2 of the IRS bill. He is considering it. I told him if we went to court for this, the judge would probably make him pay more than 1/2, since I am caring for the baby.<p>My H continues to lie to his sons. I tried so hard to trust my friend, but I now feel betrayed. I feel like there is something going on, and there probably has been all along.<p>My divorce is in the process, and we still have to go to co-parenting classes together. <p>Strangely enough, I have many better days now, and I can actually sleep at night. I couldn't sleep when I was in limbo, but now I can. I've accepted that my marriage is over, and unless God intervenes, I am moving on. I have asked God not to bring anyone in my life if he intends for us to ever be together again. I've also prayed about the temptation that I've had to be with his brother as a means of revenge. His brother would like to get revenge as well, but they probably wouldn't care, and frankly, I don't want to end up hating myself. I've asked God to help me resist temptations with other men because right now I am weak and lonely, and if just to have someone hold me for one night - I might do anything.<p>I hope everything is going well for each of you. Please pray for me.<p>Love,
TIG</strong><hr></blockquote><p>[ November 14, 2001: Message edited by: Canderella ]</p>

hello canderella [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
one thing i still cant grasp ...not just YOUR post but in many, see if you can fill me in on this OK?<p>why O why do you want him back?
he lies, he misleads, he has denegrated your life together, he has broken the vows you took, ...<p>is this all you deserve you think? <p>do you have no choices ?<p>once trust has been broken you can forgive but never forget...in my humble opine you are asking for a life of heartbreak if you settle for this relationship!<p>but you might have very good reasons...<p>id LOVE to understand better [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

To soulmate11:<p>It wasn't Canderella who posted this, it was me. She must have accidentally copied my post.<p>Why do I want my H back? I don't want him back unless he changes his life and gives it to God. Why would I want him back then? Because I believe I was married for better or worse. I knew when I got married that chances were that he would commit adultery. I accepted that - he didn't know this, but I did. I have children. I love my H, and I can and will forgive AND forget. It is my nature to do so. It's what God tells us to do, as he will forget our sins if we ask for forgiveness. Yes, I am human, but I try to do God's will.<p>As far as "do I deserve better"? We all do. None of us here deserve what we are going through. But that's the problem with America today. Divorce is the easy way out. People don't put forth the effort to save their marriage. Children don't want their parents to divorce, no matter what. Unless there is physical abuse, I believe marriages should stay together regardless of the hardships. I know my H loved me. I know deep down, the love is there, somewhere. I also know the type of man he CAN be when he wants to. What he is doing now - it's not him. It's a stranger. I'm looking for the man I married. The man that put family before anything.<p>I don't know, though. God may not want him in my life. God may see something in his future that he wants me away from. God may have someone more wonderful for me - someone who will love my children and treat them well. If so, it will happen naturally. I'm not waiting for my H anymore, but I am trying to wait for what God has in store for me. I know that if he intends my H and I to be together, he will move for my H and my H will give his life to God, and then we will be together. Otherwise, God will bring someone that is much better to me in my life, someone that is working for God.<p>I can't explain this faith to you - it just is. Some here believe you should have faith in your marriage, and never be with anyone else, regardless of anything. I don't necessarily believe that. I believe that I have a right to Divorce because my H committed adultery, and my faith shows that once adultery is committed, I am freed from my vows if I choose to be. However, I would suffer that my kids would not have to have step-parents in their life. I would deal with the heartache and forgive my H and forget. But God may not want that for me, so I am just a lady in waiting. Waiting for what God has in store.<p>Does that clear things up?<p>TIG [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

Good answer, TIG.<p>Thanks for putting that into focus for us.<p>Lupo

TIG and all, <p>And we can all add that Jesus didn't deserve to be born in a stable or cave, that He didn't deserve to be betrayed, to be left alone to pray while His best friends slept, to be tempted by the master of Evil, to carry His cross and obviously not to be crucified. <p>Not one of us here "deserves" any of it. If we are trying not to hate and trying to understand if the Lord wants our families back together, it's because we love Jesus and don't want to cause Him any more pain than He has already felt and we don't want to give one minute of satisfaction to the enemy of the Creator.<p>We know that we are saved by the grace of the Cross and by the Blood of the Lord our Savior, who was innocent as a lamb. Our sacrifice and our prayers might save others and if the Lord wishes for us to be tested and made into gold by this fire, we are just trying to go along with His will.<p>The easier thing is to hate, to give up, to destroy our spouses... but what would we be teaching our children? What would our actions tell Jesus?<p>Jesus, I just ask you for strength and an increase in my joy. Allow me to understand YOUR will, that I can make it my own and follow it. I pray for TIG, Lupo, and all those on this forum that we can glorify Your Holy Name, Jesus Christ of Nazareth. Please bring our families together in You, if this is Your will for us. Show us Your will and your way, Lord.