When my own M was weak and H was emotionally & physically withdrawn from me and our son, I made the mistake of getting too close/friendly w/ a male neighbor of 9 yrs when his W was having blatant A with bus. partner and was lying about it to her H, neighbors, friends, kids, etc. for 3.5 yrs. Her OM DV'd his 3rd W for her, in fact. This was atleast her second infidelity her H knew about during their 12 yr. M and despite this huge affair right under his nose, he stayed in denial buying her "just friends" bit, and remained for the kids for 2.5 yrs, but has since moved out. He is an awesome father. I had too much compassion for him and got too close by continuing to email him, and we had an EA for 2.5 yrs; it ended 1/2002. My H knows all now and we're in recovery. There's been NC between myself and OM upon his legal sep. when he propositioned me and I turned him down...I had more needs than SF, but that was all he was "ready" for. Happy to report, EA was kinda a blessing, and H's wake-up call as--thanks to God's grace--he is now starting to actively meet all of my needs and I am forgiving him for past resentments.

Problem is this: Om's W and I were rather friendly before her A started 4 yrs. ago. We seemed to share similar high morals...until her free-loading OM invaded her life, brain-washed her and now lives with her and her kids in house her H still pays second on. Her actions since her A have been nothing but manipulative, selfish, dishonest, and attention-seeking. She neglects her kids for her OM and their "love-child" magazine venture that has them in debt. I literally cry for the kids when I think of their mother's actions. I was praying for her heart to change for a couple of years into her A, but now it is apparent to me that she was using me all along...I believe she felt or knew her H found me attractive and actually told me once after he moved out of bdrm, that he was good in bed and that she didn't care whom he dated, so that I would take the bait and have a physical affair with him (to make him look bad and to justify her own behavior/A).

Why can't it be enough for her that--thanks to her and her OM's scheming--she now has what she wanted: OM in her house and H out of it? Why does she now have to ruin my reputation? I learned this summer through different sources that she has gone to mutual friends of ours and told them that she suspects her H and I had a physical affair when we were all living at the other neighborhood (H and I have sinced moved a mile away). Of course, this is untrue, but I resent that she is planting seeds of suspicion in the minds of my friends who have no business in any of this. Granted, it is a consequence of my improper emotional involvement with her H at the time, but it still hurts terribly to have my friends suspect ill of me, particularly when, in the end, I know I did the right thing by NOT sleeping with him.

What took the cake, however, was I learned yesterday that when my FOM's W was calling our mutual friends on behalf of our friend, Lois, who's son died in a motorcycle accident 10 days ago, she neglected to call me and tell me! I did not learn of the accident or her calling everyone until 5 days after funeral, so was not even able to attend the service to comfort Lois who is a Christian like me...she is 53 and was Saved 3 years ago! I adopted her parakeets just 3 weeks ago and we chat on the phone every so often. She lost her youngest son and I couldn't be there to comfort her, whereas FOM's W WAS there!

I was very upset. My H is hurting for me and wanted to go to her house last night and ask her why she neglected to notify us about the death..although we both know why. For some odd reason, she is still playing her game, a game where, somehow, it is important to her that she is the only winner, and everyone else "loses" (although the only real losers are anyone attached to her now!). I know she is living in poop, not the greener grass lie she bought, and that I should pity her. I realize that I should hate the behavior and not the person, but I am having difficulty doing this. I've never truly "hated" another person for so long, and not be able to forgive. She accompanied me to my mother's memorial service 2 years ago "to support me", but it was just a front so that she could sit in my car as I drove us for 2 hours, and rag on her H/use me as a sounding board to justify her A (which I refused to do). She would call me a "friend", but she was never a friend of mine. She used me and continues to today.

Please pray for me that I won't be so obsessed with hate for this individual...that I will learn to forgive her. My H says I have to. I want to have apathy for her, really. A friend suggested I meet with her briefly and assure her that I never had a physical affair with her XH and that I'd only been guilty of a close friendship where I'd become emotionally involved. Somehow, I don't think that doing this would make any difference to her. The damage has been done, anyway. Advice anyone?

Thank you for wading through this and for keeping me in your prayers. I so value all of you at this website! God bless.

--Suzy

Suzy,
I thought I would give you my input about the OW thing. My Husbands FF is not beyond lying, streaching the truith to make her self look good and feel better about what she is doing. You read what I am going through. In some ways it is funny men always stick together, but for some reason women have to rip each other apart to make them selfs look good. I feel better when my friends tell me things then I do a man because I feel men are only looking for one thing sex. Some time soon you will not feel hurt by this woman. God is on your side. I know for my self it is going to take time to heal the pain this FF of my husbands has caused me. But with God all things are possiable.
Take care I will keep you in my prayers
Lori

Suzy,

I'm so sorry for all you are going through with this person.

Someone on this board (in GQII, I think) one time posted about Toxic People, and I dare say this woman is one!

She is what I would refer to as a "User and Abuser" - first she used you to poison her own M. When that didn't work, and she can no longer manipulate you, she will abuse you to all your other friends.

I suspect your assessment of "free-loading om" brain-washing her is not accuracte. NO ONE can be led that far astray of their Core Moral Values. I suspect she had little to begin with! OM came along, and gave her the reason she needed to show who she really is!

You need to figure out a way to remain in your circle of friends and acquaintances without her being the "link" to it. In other words, there should have been someone else who could have let you know about the funeral, besides this person.

It cannot be enough that she got H out of the house and OM in, b/c all didn't work out according to her plan! She intended to destroy YOU in the process, destroy YOUR M - like her own - but it didn't happen. So now, SHE looks like the "bad" one, and you got off scott free. She can't have that!! She will (I suspect) continue her campaign of character assassination until you go down for the final count (in her plan, but God's plan is greater!!).

The best way that I know of dodging this type of assault is the advice someone once gave me:
"Live your life such that if anyone ever says anything derogatory about you, NO ONE WILL BELIEVE IT."

Stay above it. Pray for God's blessings on her. In doing this, "you heap coals of burning fire...." well - YOU KNOW how this works!!!

God Bless you.

Lupolady,

Thank you so much for your prayers, insight and encouragement.

"I suspect your assessment of "free-loading om" brain-washing her is not accurate. NO ONE can be led that far astray of their Core Moral Values. I suspect she had little to begin with! OM came along, and gave her the reason she needed to show who she really is!"

You are right about this. She probably didn't have the values to begin with. It seemed that way the first few years I knew her...Dr. Laura fan, leading CCD in her home, but all of that changed when her OM entered her life...and then she told me once proudly, w/o remorse that earlier in her M, she had phone s** w/a MM for 9 mo. You are right, her Core Moral Values (CMV, I guess--not another abbr.!)--not to mention M--weren't strong to begin with, so she fell for OM when he came along and started verbally meeting her EN's (admiration) and told her that she didn't have to "put up with" her spouse who wasn't meeting her EN's. I kind of see brain-washing as convincing the weak-minded/moraled when they are most vulnerable, which is what he was doing, but I also see your point.

"You need to figure out a way to remain in your circle of friends and acquaintances without her being the "link" to it."

Don't worry, she actually isn't the link...the problem was that the other 2 mutual friends she left phone messages w/ about the death were both on vacation and did not return until after the funeral (she knew this because they babysit for her several times a week). When one of them returned from their trip, she called me, asking if I'd gotten that message/call as she had, and I hadn't.

"It cannot be enough that she got H out of the house and OM in, b/c all didn't work out according to her plan! She intended to destroy YOU in the process, destroy YOUR M - like her own - but it didn't happen. So now, SHE looks like the "bad" one, and you got off scott free. She can't have that!! She will (I suspect) continue her campaign of character assassination until you go down for the final count (in her plan, but God's plan is greater!!)."

Yes, I see that now. I'm so grateful to the Lord for shielding me and my family from what was going on w/her at that old neighborhood...I inherited enough $ for us to purchase a new home away from there last year. God really protected us and I learned a great deal from my mistakes, too.

"Live your life such that if anyone ever says anything derogatory about you, NO ONE WILL BELIEVE IT."

So true. I always lived my life on the straight-and-narrow before this involvement with another man. Well, I blew it once, but learned my lesson and now know that everyone--self included--is vulnerable and I have to truly be wearing the armour of God at all times. I WILL stay above it and pray for her.

Thank you, again. --Suzy

Suzy,
so happy that you feel God's protection. In our messed up rollercoaster lives, sometimes we just don't feel it. His love is always there for us, and I pray that you will continue to feel it. Ladysing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Just in case anyone is reading this.....

Again, thank you to those of you who said a little prayer for me. God is listening! An update: last week I wanted to forgive and was determined to pray for this woman. It was difficult to do at first, mainly because I was struggling with what it meant to FORGIVE. Did to forgive mean to forget? Because I knew I would never forget what she had done (and shouldn't since she tends to manipulate and I cannot allow myself to be used like that again)...Did forgive mean to deny that she hurt me somehow? What?

Then I was reading a women's health book the other day and I came across a chapter on "forgiveness" and the definition suddenly became crystal clear: "Forgiveness doesn't mean that what happened to us was okay. It simply means that we are no longer willing to allow that experience to adversely affect our lives."

I am determined that I am not going to let anything this person said or do bother me any longer. Just as I forgave myself for getting emotionally involved with her H during her A, I am not going to let the fact that she baited me, hurt me or used me, kill my joy and peace; those circumstances surrounding her will not have any more negative or damaging power over me or my marriage. So, I forgave her then. And then I was able to pray for her...I've been praying for her kids for years, and for her M, too, but this was the first time I prayed for HER...I prayed that her eyes would be open to the errors of her ways and for peace and wisdom in her life.

Well, I learned today from a mutual friend that K's OM & his son are moving out of her house and getting their own place! Supposedly they're still dating, but this is a good thing for the kids, most of all, and an answer to prayer!

Anyway, wanted to share that. I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders and it feels great! --Suzy